Deepwater Horizon
For those of you who like to say "Drill Baby Drill" or “To ease America’s dependency on foreign oil, we should just drill more” the April 20th 2010 explosion of the Deepwater Horizon oil drilling rig is a glaring incident that points out just what kind of moron you are. Dumping over 9000 barrels of oil per day into the once scenic Gulf of Mexico for eight tens of days (and that's terrible), the explosion caused a massive oil slick that has already reached the Louisiana coast. The ensuing catastrophe created by the explosion is causing untold billions in damage to industry, tourism, and cute dolphins, while simultaneously proving that not only does George Bush not care about black people, but neither does Obama. Even the little that Obama has done has been too much for Republicans who apologized to BP for Obama's mean behavior.
As of last Thursday, the Deepwater Horizon oils spill is the biggest in US history, eclipsing the previous winner, the 1989 Exxon Valdez oil spill off Alaska by miles; miles of oily water/watery oil. The drunken tanker captain who was blamed for that catastrophe is probably the only person outside of Osama bin Laden who is shit-eating grin happy about the BP spill.
It was reported that Burger the Angry Cat was at the oil rig during the explosion.
There is currently an initiative in the works to use various species of birds from North America to soak up the oil spill. The birds and their feathers act as a natural sponge and will help with the cleanup effort. Although, no one really cares if its cleaned up because its funny.
As of July 15, after 85 days spewing oil, BP finally capped the leak. Now they're waiting to see if it gets blueballs.
Early July 19, it turns out that there was a seep two miles from where the busted oil well was.
As of August 6, BP seems pretty confident they have it plugged up. I guess we can all take our lulz and go home.
On September 19, the gubbmint stepped in and declared it sealed.
Event
On April 20th, the Deepwater Horizon exploded. The ensuing fire pretty much destroyed the rig before it sank and presumably killed 11 of the 28 workers that were housed on the artificial island. Nothing of value was lost. This all didn’t seem to make it to the news when the event actually happened, but when the green hippies and eco-terrorists got wind of the disaster, shit hit the fan. Suddenly everybody seemed to care about the rig and its occupants, because a massive oil slick was spotted, moving directly towards the American coastline, eating all life within its devastating path. Say goodbye to cheap fish sticks for a long time.
Background
Methane clathrate, also known as methane hydrate, is a solid in which lots of of methane is trapped within a crystal structure of water, forming a solid similar to ice. Outside of scientific circles, and the hydrocarbon industry, this substance is simply called crystal meth.
Drilling for Crystal Meth is Dangerous too
Every idiot knows trying to make or extract crystal meth is likely to end up blowing your ass up one way or another, but that didn't stop BP from attempting to set up the largest offshore crystal meth extraction facility known to man. Naturally, it blew up, with a big fire ball. What else could anyone expect, really? Its fucking crystal meth, explosions are bound to happen any time you let engineers near that stuff.
What caused the explosion
Basically, BP got too greedy. Everyone knows that crystal meth expands once its not a crystal anymore - that's why anorexics use it to feel full. They tried to take too much, too fast, and as it expanded, it put out a lot of pressure. Too much, eventually. On April 20th, the Deepwater Horizon suffered what can be best explained as a massive steel pipe aneurysm caused by a crystal meth overdose. Meth kills. Even if you are a bad-ass roughneck on the high seas.
Blame
The rig was leased by British Petroleum, a multi-national oil company somehow more evil IRL than OCP or Weyland-Yutani, who might just nuke the gulf from orbit (it's the only way to be sure). While they are called the responsible party, and will probably have to pay heavy fines for this massive fuck up, they won’t sweat it much as they will just raise gasoline prices and shift all that cost on to their stupid consumers (in big boy words, an externality). Seriously, this event will only do one thing as far as Americans are concerned: double the price of a gallon of gasoline, putting it somewhere in the neighborhood of what the rest of the developed world pays (suck it up, you oil industry subsidizing titty babies).
Oh yeah, and remember that evil corporate conglomerate from a few years ago called Halliburton? They’re responsible too, since they were on the rig, helping cement drilled caps. Even after being out of office for two years, Darth Cheney is still ruining your life.
Meanwhile, while trying to sound remorseful and concerned, BP continues to try and pass the blame buck on the rig owners, Transocean Ltd who -in turn- keep passing it back to BP. Meanwhile, the American public have started to blame Barack Obama for not doing anything, even though he keeps screaming that he's pressin charges. Most of these asshats are the same people who bitch about too much government regulation of big business and would have you believe that a government's job is to do nothing other than build roads, keep the peace and maintain an army.
These same morons are currently mounting a campaign for the US government to take over BP and seize their assets to make sure they don't fuck off without paying for the cleanup and reimbursing any claims for damages due to the dead rig workers' families and compensate the fishermen and other people whose livelihoods and businesses have been ruined by the spill. Yes, these are the very same retarded idiots who screamed bloody murder when the government had to take over General Motors and AIG to save their arses from financial ruin during the 2009/2010 stock market crash, arguing that government has no business messing with the free market. And never mind that taking over oil companies is a very socialist thing to do.
Their hypocrisy is only matched by their stupidity because they fail to understand that if a company is called United Kingdom Petroleum and their executives and spokesmen (who have been all over cable news for the last two months) speak with funny accents, they're probably not an American company.
Also...(obligatory) Jews did Deepwater Horizon.
If that wasn't enough blame to go round, an ongoing internal investigation discovered that employees of the U.S. Minerals Management Service -the agency supposedly monitoring shit like this- were hopped up on meth and using their work computers to view porn. They also took gifts from BP and other oil companies and went on skeet-shooting contests, hunting and fishing trips, golf tournaments, crawfish boils and attended Christmas parties with oil execs. In other words, our nation's oil safety was in the hands of a bunch of white-trash tweakers. Wonderful.
Apology
In early June, BP's CEO Tony Hayward finally stepped up to the plate to apologise to the American public and brag about all the resources and Jew Gold they're expending trying to fix the leak and all the fallout. This after a massive footbullet where he told news reporters that he wanted his life back and after suggesting that cleanup crews complaining of health effects from the noxious fumes really had food poisoning . The mea culpa came in the form of a very sober -although not entirely convincing- TV ad.
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Clean Up Efforts
After the explosion, nobody was around to figure out that oil was leaking from an exposed well, so nothing was done for a full two days before somebody figured out that there was a problem. After some rocket scientist pointed out that a destroyed well cap no longer does its job, but rather allows oil to flow freely into the ocean, alarms were raised and people started giving a shit. Some of the efforts to stem the onrushing oil slick have been:
- Using booms to block the oil and then lift it off of the water. An interesting fact concerning these booms is that they are made out of human hair. This irony is lost on the unshaven and unkempt hippy environmentalist crowd.
- Using skimmers to scoop the oil off of the water
- Using large absorbent sponge-like items and specialized vacuums to suck the oil out of the water
- Grab a shovel because none of the above mentioned things are gonna work. In fact, once the oil hits the shore it is going to persist there within the sand and rocky strata for decades.
- Using hippies.
- Buying words on the internet to hide their failures.
—BP CEO Tony Hayward | ||
Stopping the Leak
BP is currently trying to use underwater robots to cap the leaking well, but since none of these efforts has done a single thing, they are now entertaining alternative methods for stopping the massive oil leak.
- Building a cement dome over the leak to capture the oil and contain it.
- Drill another well nearby to relieve the current leak of much of its oil.
- HEY why don’t you just build another rig on top of the spill?
- Nuke it!. This was a solution the Russia suggested. They've already used this final solution and it works. Fuck the radiation.
- Have Daniel Plainview drink it up.
—Vladimir Chuprov of Greenpeace, being uncharacteristically right | ||
Since all of these alternative methods could take weeks or even months to actually fix the problem, America’s Gulf States are once again going to have to close down their beaches and get out the whale scrubbing gear. The spill is moving towards the Florida Keys. Will it hit the Gulf Stream? Let's watch and find out!
Alternately, BP could just let it flow. Irony, if the slick enters something called the loop current, it will carry all that delicious crude right across the Atlantic Ocean all the way back to Britain. Who needs tankers when you have nature...and irony?
How you can help
If you live near somewhere the spill is washing up, here's how you can help.
- 1. Obtain some sand that has not yet been fouled with oil.
- 2. Obtain the pigment "titanium white" or any other titanium powder paint.
- 3. Urinate on the sand.
- 4. Stir sand and urine until evenly mixed.
- 5. Microwave until steamy.
- 6. Stir, air out to encourage drying.
- 7. Microwave again until steaming as needed (steps 5-6). Repeat until it starts to smell badly burnt, and no longer like piss.
- 8. Let cool
- 9. Mix in titanium pigment paint - just enough to make it whitish looking - stir evenly.
- 10. Microwave the mixture until its giving off really smelly vapors. Stir it.
- 11. Microwave the mixture until its glowing hot.
- 12. Let cool, rinse. Save the rinsings to mix with more sand and repeat.
- 13. Let dry
- 14. Spread powder in areas where oil accumulates. Kills most oily slicks dead within weeks.
Litany of Fail
BP and a room full of the world's brightest minds have worked around the clock in a lab like they were in some kind of Jerry Bruckheimer disaster movie to come up with a way of capping the spewing gusher and have cooked up several batshit insane fixes for the problem.
Thus far they are 0 for 4, failing with underwater robots, siphoning off the main riser, a giant 125-ton "Top Hat" container dome the size of a large house and Operation Top Kill which was basically just stuffing as much random crap into the hole in an attempt to bung it up. BP is now drilling two additional wells to try and reduce the pressure of the main well enough to cap it. This could take up to two months and nothing could possibly wrong with two additional holes out in the middle of nowhere. These new rigs will not be ready for two months.
Attempt #5 aka Bottom Kill is currently underway. It involves using robots armed with giant scissors (I fuck you not) to cut the broken riser off and letting the gusher spill 20% more oil until they can try and cap it with "son of Top Hat": a smaller version of the previous failure.
Tangentially, scientists are looking into using ROBOT FISH to help lead marine life away from the pollution. Robot fish. Let it sink in.
Reaction
—NO SHIT! Karl Grossman. | ||
In a classic case of shutting the barn doors after the horses have gotten loose; Obama announced a ban on all offshore drilling until the extent of the damages can be ascertained. While this ban may not sound like it is permanent, it can be used for an indeterminate amount of time to wrangle all those pesky “Big Oil” companies into impotence (poor little guys). Of course this will have a drastic effect on the American consumer, but nobody really cares about that…until gas is 12 dollars a gallon. Regardless, Obama is still planning to ruin the oil industry because when gasoline becomes so expensive the average American cannot purchase it, they will expect yet another entitlement program from the federal government, thus enslaving themselves further to the nanny state, no they'll be forced to find alternative fuels. lrn2economics.
Environmental Effects
- Shrimp cocktails are going to triple in price over the next few weeks.
- Dolphins not smart enough to swim away are going to learn what it feels like to be black.
- Asshole seagulls that shit on your car…GONE!
- A whopping 20 Turtles washed up onshore.
- Since it is now hurricane season, there's a good chance that it will soon be raining oil in Nawlins.
- Fragile ecosystems are destroyed.
Other Effects
—Georgianne Nienaber, political writer. | ||
- Fishing companies in the gulf area are already stating loses of up to 2.5 billion dollars.
- A bunch of companies who base their industry in and around the Gulf are tripping over each other trying to declare bankruptcy first.
- Ray Nagin, the mayor of Nawlins who was made famous for calling his town a “Chocolate City,” has retracted that statement and is now calling NOLA a “Licorice City” because the place is about to become blacker than he is.
- Whistleblowers began to lick their lips.
- The Coast Guard is hiring like a motherfucker, despite past Obama cuts to their budget because OBAMACORN needed more money. Smart move, dumbshit.
- President Barack Obama took a week off to think about things. Proving that even he doesn’t care about black people.
- Tourism experts in Florida and Texas are both calling for the Armageddon, as their industries are now defunct.
- Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal declared a state of emergency a full week before he knew if the oil was going to hit his state’s coast. Hey, it pays to cash in on the federal emergency money.
- Lawyers are flocking to the area, looking for somebody…anybody to sue.
- Soccer moms and busybodies all over the United States are already petitioning their congressmen for new, sweepingly vast drill regulation reforms that will cripple America’s ability to produce energy for the next century (BECAUSE OIL IS THE ONLY SOURCE OF ENERGY).
- Red Lobster and a few thousand fishermen are going to go out of business.
- GOP cunt Sarah Palin calls for prayer to help with environmental cleanup, because who needs "Big Government" when you've got Jesus and the free market. [1]
- This may lead to stricter environmental and safety regulations, which some assholes will decry as "socialism."
- Offshore wind farms are looking better everyday, just not off Martha's Vineyard.
- President Obama has ended shark attacks in the Gulf of Mexico; no more sharks.
- Democrats typically blaming Bush and screaming NOT OBAMA'S FAULT endlessly. Hey, why not? It's the only card they have left.
Video
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If only we had just stuck to using Offshore Vegetable Oil Rigs.
Potential for Firestorm
This very likely, almost definite scenario has been verified by many credible and scientific sources to have an 87.4% chance of occurring. The scientific basis for such an event would be Katrina-size hurricane + God Hates Fags. Most researchers agree that such an event would produce lulz of the most epic proportion since Hiroshima/Nagasaki.
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High Fashion Lulz
Not usually a source of lulz unless at their expense, the world of high fashion has weighed in on the BP oil spill with the most incisive and revolutionary social commentary this side of Interior Semiotics. Not since Derelicte has a clothing line been so in tune with the suffering of the masses and done so much for promoting empathy and goodwill around the world. In this spirit, we present Italian Vogue's Water and Oil.
These pretty much speak for themselves.
See Also
- I Drink Your Milkshake
- Oil
- Oil Industry
- Caps
- Environmentalism
- Fish
- Shit nobody cares about
- Crybaby
- hippy
External Links
- Follow the spill live on BP's spillcam
- Drill Baby Drill
- Spill is five times larger than initial estimates.
- We have to figure out a way to blame Haliburton for this.
- BP loses 25 billion in market value.
- Miniature Offshore Oil Rig
- BP Buys search engine words to hide their massive incompetency
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