Final Fantasy VI
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Final Fantasy VI is a video game released for the Super Nintendo Entertainment System around 100 years ago. The game was released as Final Fantasy III in North America because Square was having issues with Nintendo at the time. These issues would eventually reach critical mass and result in Square being told to GB2KITCHEN, making FF3/6 the last Final Fantasy game to appear on a Nintendo console. The game is often heralded as being the one of best of the series, along with Final Fantasy VII, but that really just makes it the log that tops the pile. As this is the case, fans of FF3/6 and FF7 have engaged in a pissing contest between each other in a mad dash to eat the shit sandwich.
Fans of FF3/6 are generally old school Nintendo fanboys and non-conformist conformist fanatics who claim it's the best in the series. They're unable to get over the fact FFVII was a way more popular game and threw their little J-RPG game series into mainstream culture, making it cool to like Final Fantasy instead of being an obscure favorite of self-important video game fans. As their insults and flames usually boil down to "Cloud is a pussy", "Sephiroth is a momma's boy", and "At least VI has a complete story!", they usually fail to realize that every Final Fantasy is a ripoff of every other Final Fantasy before it as per Square's staple production code of rehashing everything in the series.
FF7 fans, in response to this trolling, intelligently and politely articulate their objections to FF3/6 with the following:
TEH GRAFIX SUX CUZ TEHY AREN'T 3D U STOOPID CUNT!
Story
World of Balance
In the world of balance, the grass is green except for the desert area and the water is blue, however, anywhere you walk, you get attacked by scary monsters, Just like IRL. A rather uninspirational flutist follows you around playing his music all the while. There are a bunch of really small towns with like five people that only sell useless shit like shields and tonic. When was the last time you bought a tonic? Every now and again the Imperial Army occupies the town and their band plays some really crappy sad music.
The story follows a group of rebels as they take on an evil empire, who plan on taking over the world. The main protagonist of the story is Terra, who can't decide which side to fight for. Unlike everyone else, she can use magic. However, the only spells she can cast are Fire and Cure, which makes her completely fucking useless. Also, when you find Espers, you can give other characters magic, too.
There's also the infamous Opera scene which makes fanboys gush out cum. This however, is clearly overshadowed by the fact that a pun spewing octopus is planning to drop a 5 ton anvil onto the stage for "revenge".
The main villain is Kefka, a retarded clown faggot who acts as an Imperial general. Halfway into the game he goes batshit crazy, becomes a god and ends the world.
World of Ruin
The main character after the Apocalypse is Celes. She spends most of her time trying to be an hero and getting the group back together by going on pointless side-quests like helping Strago hunt and kill some monster, Setzer work through his gambling issues, and Locke to get over his dead girlfriend. You also need to confront Cyan on his stalking and battle The Three Stooges. This half of the game is noticeably shittier than the first half, though for some reason everyone pretends not to notice. Also apparently Sabin spent most of his time after the apocalypse working as a column for housing.
After all the personal drama, the team goes and fights Kefka, who's still busy abusing his god powers.
Playable Characters
Final Fantasy VI has a cast of at least 100 playable characters, making it the largest RPG in recorded history. The characters are mostly human, but there's also a Moogle, an ambiguous clown, and a Wookiee.
Vicks & Wedge
Two faggots who parade around with Terra in the beginning of the game. They get chased around by robots and dogs until they get warped out of existence by some fuckin miracle. These guys are in every Final Fantasy game as some useless minor character. They also reappear in Chrono Trigger in Norstein Bekklers tent.
Terra
The aforementioned green-haired chick who starts out as the game's main character. About a quarter of the way through the game you learn that her dad is a furry and her mom has a dog fetish. They even show Terra being conceived in stunning 2D sprite detail. After this revelation, she can turn into Marilyn Manson by shouting, "It's showtime synergy!" This ability, however, is rarely used due to the fact that it can only be activated less than 100 times. Players hoard the uses of the transform ability until the end of the game, when it is no longer useful because everyone does over 9,000 damage with every spell or attack anyway. She goes through the story unsure if she can ever love because she had her brains raped out by Kefka's slave crown. Later she finds out she loves some dead guy named General Leo.
Locke
Shady fucker who deals in stolen goods. With the shit he sells, you be hard pressed to find a DVD player that would work. And just to show you how great of a chap he is, he will follow you quietly home, and take anything not bolted to the ground...and that's if you don't wake up. He'd beat you over the head with the broken DVD player he sold you. He has a dead girlfriend in the tiny town of Kohlingen (in perfect mint-condition, if I may add) which someday he will go to and COMPLETELY FUCK HER BRAINS OUT!!!1!3-2111!!1!ein1!one1!! (Hey, she was asking for it.) He "helps" Terra in the beginning of the game but tries to rape Celes later on when he sees DAT ASS.
Celes
Was a General in the Imperial Army until she was dishonorably discharged because of the Don't Ask/Don't Tell policy and erotically chained up and raped by several grunts. Locke found her chained up in a dungeon and cheated on his dead girlfriend by pounding her mercilessly. Later on she decides that the rape was quite enjoyable and gives up her militant lesbianism to be with Locke, who is still all emo about his dead girlfriend.
Shadow
A badass motherfucker with a really cool dog. In the game, it is stated that he black person, showing how badass and unemotional he is. When Kefka ends the world, you have the choice to either wait for him and save him when escaping, or simply to leave him to die. (However, you're not notified whatsoever.) Over 9,000 fanboys restarted their files to save him after they found out you can in fact keep him in the game. His role in combat is to use very weak physical attacks and chuck shit at the enemy that comes OUT OF YOUR INVENTORY. Spoiler, he's Relm's father.
Edgar
A huge faggot that uses the same weapons and armor as every female character in the game, making him a metrosexual. In order to hide his blatant sexual issues Edgar decides to hump everything that moves, thus affirming the fact that gay men get more pussy. Since the game developers had ran out of original shit for people to do, they decided to give him a variety of tools and call it a day.
Sabin
PROTIP: "Sabin" is pronounced "Say-Bihn" (sry Mash-bashers).
Edgar's infinitely moar badass brother and all-around pretty cool guy and the producer of Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, for he uses fists to lay down butthurt onto foes AND DOESN'T AFRAID OF ANYTHINGHe has a really kickass move called Blitz. And if you press down, down, left in that order after choosing Blitz, he can shoop da woop enemies, adding man points and win to his stats. And to even add moar to his badassness, he can equip shields and NOT have his attack decrease, making him the first monk in Final Fantasy evar to pull such a feat. Sabin makes everyone else in the Final Fantasy series look like a bunch of cocksuckers, thanks to his manly jaw, Mohawk, and the fact that he uses Street Fighter attacks instead of Dungeons & Dragons bullshit. His name was Mash in Moonspeak, mostly because the Japanese are MASH fans.
Main combat role: He has an attack called Bum Rush, that's all you need to know.
Cyan
A Duncan McLeod wanna-be who looks a lot like Borat. He loses his family and friends over the course of the game, which makes him wig out, desperately trying to be an hero.
He can use samurai swords and a special attack called "SwordTech", but you must use a meter to make it work, but that takes a long time to load, which sucks.
His role in combat is to die, because his attacks take too long and like every other character except Sabin and Terra, his melee attack sucks horribly.
His name in the Japanese game was Cayenne which suggests a certain level of spiciness however, the English version of Cyan, is much more accurate as it reflects that his character is actually quite blue about his misfortune.
Setzer
A batshit insane meth-addict with a gambling addiction; he rides around in a HUEG airship crying about his transvestite lover pulling a Mitch Henderson. His weapons are retarded shit like playing cards and darts, and he does fuck all damage with them.
His special ability is "sluts" "slots", where either you summon two chickens to do about 13 damage to the enemy, or you fail at getting three in a row because it's stupidly fucking hard and summon an AZN rabbit who promptly shits itself and disappears.
Gau
A 14-year old furry who, raised by monsters, can only speak in stunted English - yelps and grunts. To this day, no one has used Gau for any length of time, so his abilities are still a mystery. But he seems to rape animals then show up as a furry with some new moves. He is useless as fuck in all combat situations as you have no control over his abilities; meaning he will spam fire spells on enemies that are healed by fire and stupid crap to that effect.
UPDATE: Our spies have determined what Gau's abilities are. Most of them suck, but if he thusly rapes some stray cats, he'll declaw them (presumably the hard way) and then kill people by scratching them with the claws. This move is, creatively, named Catscratch.
Strago
An aging punk rocker. If you went on a side quest, you'd get his ultimate attack, Mantrain. Unfortunately, nobody fucking uses him because he is a Blue Mage. Basically, you have to learn his Blue Magic skillz by finding a random monster to attack you. During the battle, you need to wait for the monster to use a Blue Magic spell, but that may take fucking forever due to...
A) The monster might be VERRRRY FUCKING RARE.
B) It might take at least 100 years for it to use its Blue Magic attack.
Square Enix later admitted that the only reason why Strago, like all other Blue Mages, exists is because they needed lulz knowing that gamers will become batshit insane from all the frustration. It is rumored that this is what caused Cho Seung Hui to go on his rampage at Virginia Tech.
Relm
Shadow's child (obviously a typical thing a black man would have, amirite?), she can photoshop compromising images of her enemies and use them for blackmail. Noted for being the only young girl depicted in Japanese media not subjected to fans' rampant lolita complexes). This is quite possibly due to the fact that she wears a turban and her main attack is to draw things and then write about it in her LiveJournal, boring her opponent until they decide to slit their wrists.
(http://moe.imouto.org/post/show/68278/hentai-final_fantasy-final_fantasy_vi-naked-nipple rule 34 no exceptions).
Her role in combat is to be a less powerful caster than Terra and Celes, making her totally useless.
Mog
Small white mammal. Knows English. (Sort of.) His main role in the party is to use awesome dance attacks on trash, then spend entire boss fights stumbling.
Umaro
Huge black person that is fucking useless because you can't even control him in battle. His special move: Throw shit. But even that crap won't do massive damage, only at least 100 (Which is fucking retarded, for, at that time . . . even Terra - a freaking mage - can do over 9000 damage.)
He also has a move where he leaps towards the opponent dealing over 9,100 damage. He never uses this, and instead throws moar shit.
He is also Mog's sex slave.
Gogo
Judging by the fact that this character's introductory text is expressly devoted to pointing out that "his" gender is unknown, Gogo is likely to be either a eunuch or a hermaphrodite. Gogo has the remarkable, completely unheard of, and challenging-to-master ability to copy the actions of others, such as cheating on a test. Some argue that this is Setzer's dead girlfriend due to Gogo being found at the same place she was buried, but pulling a "he's/she's not really dead trick" would be pulling off the same trick Sega used in Sonic-Next Gen, which was gay and fail, amirite?
Other Important Characters
Kefka
Kills as many people as possible. Has a lollergasm after he poisons an entire town, and is responsible for the lollercaust that ends the world. Kefka's fans hold a rabid hatred for Sephiroth and his fans, just because they think a batshit insane clown is better than a long-haired fag in black with a 20-foot sword. He is most known for being the worst idea for an enemy and yet the first enemy to be good at his job. On top of all that, he has a massive laser at his command, where he torches entire towns for the lulz. He wins points simply for the fact that he's one of the few villains to actually commit a war crime in any game. Not just RPGs, ANY game.
Kefka appears again in the 2008 film The Dark Knight, inexplicably lacking any connection to The Empire, and motivated by an almost supernatural insanity rather than the fact that the game needed a protagonist.
Cid
Wears a yellow labcoat, making him resemble a banana. Has a weird daddy thing going on with Celes. He dies when she feeds him tainted fish. In fact, just kill the mutherfucker. You'll get off the damn island faster, plus Celes gets emo and almost kills herself in the process. Letting the spermcoat live only proves you have wasted an hour for NOTHING!
Banon
The apparent leader of the Returners. Banon is fat and old and doesn't do much in the way of usefulness. He does, however, have a fantastic beard. It is big and bushy and grows towards the sun. He used to have a thing for Edgar's dad before he kicked the bucket. He masturbates a lot but if he does it too much and dies, your entire party dies.... How fucking gay is that?
Arvis
Old man in Narshe. He thinks Locke is an asshole, but supports the Returners anyway. A closeted homosexual, he secretly lusts after Banon, who is too busy cutting back his beard to notice.
Gestahl
The Emperor of the Empire. Kefka kills him later, but it's okay because he was backtalking like a little bitch. Also resembles a dog.
Leo
Leo's just a nice guy. He gets along well with others, is diplomatic, loyal, and brave. Terra has a crush on him. He gets owned by Kefka and has the tiniest funeral ever. After that, no one gives the tiniest piece of shit about him, except the people who trick n00bs into believing that he can be revived.
Rachel
Locke's dead girlfriend. He fucked up and left Kohlingen after she lost all of her memories, and she died when the Empire attacked the town. Later she is brought back to life by an Esper, but it was fucking useless because she only stayed alive long enough to tell Locke to stop being emo. Then she died again.
Owzer
A fat bastard who owns the art gallery in Jidoor. He kidnapped Relm in the WoR after Kefka went insane, but Celes and the rest of the party saved her by having an orgy with him.
Maduin and Madeline
Terra's parents. Madeline (called Madonna in the original SNES version) is a closet furry. After she did Maduin, she got knocked up. She's fucking stupid because really the whole fucking game is Terra's fault, which makes it HER fault for getting preggers to begin with.
Ultros
Octopus royalty, and one of the most bad-ass characters in all of existence, almost to the point of RPG Captain Falcon. A fan of the opera. He prides himself on retarded puns like "Ouch, Seafood soup!". Began stand-up on /v/ after he received his final paycheck from Square.
The Impressario
Important (just not enough to be given an actual name) in that he shacks up with the morbidly obese Owzer and runs the opera house south of Jidoor. This results in a fucktarded plot line where he takes Celes into his ho-stable, is fine with her being crushed to death by Ultros as long as it doesn't interrupt his show, and plans to have her abducted and raped by Setzer instead of his main bitch, Maria (the beautiful, pampered opera diva who the rough edged, hard-bitten General Celes is conveniently identical to). It's all good, though, as this allows you to scam Setzer out of both his airship and bodily safety.
See also
- Final Fantasy VII
- Final Fantasy VIII
- Final Fantasy CLXIX
- Final Fantasy IXI
- Badass of the week: Kefka? Good God...
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