Drunk
—an average drunken person | ||
Getting Drunk, is the greatest achievement and aspiration of mankind, and one of the only states that make both IRL and the internets better. If you have nothing to do, even if you have something to do, just get drunk and everything will be better. Chicks will think you are hotter, cooler, more sophisticated, because you look better wearing drunk goggles.
Side effects of being a drunken loser are: excessive urination, involuntary protein spills, transcending awesomeness, becoming a fat fuck, and a talkative personality. Blurred vision, inability to keep one's self upright and moodswings are often reported, though these are stupid fucking rumors from MADD.
How to Get Drunk
As a resident of the United States, if one seeks to become significantly intoxicated one has a variety of methods at their disposal:
- Drink light beer of less than 5% alcohol volume. If at any time you drink light beer when anything else is available, you are a goddamn American.
- Drink cheap Californian white wine, since you are too cheap and tasteless to want European. Besides, as you can't drink, you will puke after 4 pints (2272 ml).
- Drink liqueurs, recommended for the fucking elitist bitches. Tastes a bit shittier than wine and comes in every magic flavor you can even imagine. They will get you legally hammered at 30% to 60% ABV, but they come back up smooth, quick, and easy. Liquors may taste like ethanol, food colouring, and perfume. Liqueur is not Liquor, dumbass. Lrn2English.
- Spirits are preferred for the ability to be make you go blind. All of these taste like paint stripper and are often mixed with soft-drinks. It is not recommended to mix spirits with each other or with anything else, unless it's you in which case please do. Will fuck you up and fast.
- Drink jenkem straight from the bottle. This makes you automatically drunk with unimaginable intoxication, unless you're Rick Santorum in which case you're simply fucking gay AND you drink shit.
- Drink Whisky, or "Whiskey" if you're a Eurofag. Whiskey is basically beer with all possible Fail and AIDS removed via distillation. Unlike the VGRT options mentioned above it's not necessary to mix whiskey with anything if you have a scrotum. Results guaranteed. Buffalo Trace Bourbon, straight, on the rocks. DO IT FAGGOT.
Drink over-proof shitThere is no real reason to drink this crap, ever. But frat boys do to show how badass they are, right before they drink themselves into a coma. "Over-proof" means it is of sufficient ABV to catch fire when you light it. That's how you test the crew of a sailing ship on which it was transported were not stealing it and watering it down (fact).
- In most southern states, moonshine is readily available at around $56 a gallon ($14/qt). Moonshine is alcohol distilled from troll blood down to purity, and comprises only water and
ethyl alcoholethanol, because Chemistry is fun!!! Soak said moonshine overnight in a mixture of fruit for best results. Usually not all the alcohol is ethyl, and when badly distilled has enough methyl alcohol and heavier fractions to give you super powers.
Things that may happen while you're drunk
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convicted felons- Claiming to be of Asian, German or Jews descent, while actually becoming either an Ireland or a black person
- Attending a fraternity party as a sorority girl (Sidenote: One does not actually need to be a girl, as frat boys will date rape anything in a wig and high heels).
- Referring to the kind gifts of the visiting Spaniards as fire water.
- Fucking an ugly girl or, preferably, a jar of mayonnaise. Almost always though, it turns into more than one.
- Hanging out with Sheneequa, but consider this positive.
- Enjoying the blessings of homelessness.
- Forgetting the to leave the city.
- Becoming friends with a fellow drunk.
- Have sex with the same gender, and although you claiming to have regretted it you crave it further.
- Go on Maury and tell everyone you're gonna have a baby.
- Give out your credit card details to Anonymous, after reading "HOLY SHIT IT FILTERS TO x".
- Rape a baby. Then eat it. Then throw it up, refry it and eat it again.
- Getting an Legal Drinking Age if you are a 20-year-old little child.
- Death. You will have a multitude of methods to pick:
- If you were drinking because you were depressed you can always commit suicide
- You can get alcohol poisoning, pass out on your back, and try to breathe your own vomit
- You can take a drive. Being drunk does wonders for lulz on the road. As a matter of fact if you flag down a policeman while driving drunk, they will give you a free escort home.
Keep in mind that every-fucking-thing you do while drunk will be filmed by the single sober asshole in the crowd & eventually end up on YouTube. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AgCMeoduG4c (a cautionary tale)
Sex and Drunkenness
If you are drunk there is a 100% chance of getting raped whether you are male or female.
If you are male and drunk, one of five things may happen:
- You will receive a blowjob.
- You will give a blowjob, and secretly love it, you closeted fuck.
- You will be arrested the next day, unaware that your friend's decapitated body is still in your truck.
- You will be arrested on the night, for not being able to keep your stupid fucking trap shut in front of the cops.
- You will fall asleep and lose an eyebrow to your hilarious mates.
If you are female and drunk, two things may happen:
- Roman Shower
- Ræp (but you chose to get drunk in the first place, you skanky ho - and that's consent.)
Racism and Drunkenness
While drunk, one may say whatever one likes without consequences. Obviously, this includes racist, homophobic and misogynistic comments one would never get away with under most other circumstances. Even if one is called out on such comments, it is frequently possible to excuse it all by statements such as "Sorry officer, I'm drunk!"
Driving
While under alcohol's unending dominance, it is not uncommon for one's keys to find their way into the ignition of one's vehicle as the "designated driver" pukes vigorously into the glove compartment. It is also not uncommon to run stop signs, mow down aging yet insomniac grandmothers, children and family pets down in a forgotten 80mph daze, noticed only later by the blood-spattered windshield and police sirens the next morning.
If you get pulled over by the police for DWI, explain to the officer that you were too drunk to walk. Also be sure to piss on the officer's shoes (explain it's just to shower off the vomit you just upchucked). The officer will then follow you to your destination to ensure your safety.
Encyclopedia Dramatica:IRC
It is widely believed that not only are at least half the channel's OPs drunk at any given time, but the server itself runs off of a mixture of Everclear, Goldschläger, and motor oil. This potent combination often results in the "Never drinking again" effect the following morning.
See Also
| Featured article March 16 & 17, 2023 | ||
| Preceded by Fuck The Police |
Drunk | Succeeded by Will Smith slaps Chris Rock |