Polish Lollercaust
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The date is April 10th 2010, the air is crisp and the hum of the propellers droning dimly in the background is complimented by the soft snores of your second in command. You are the president of Poland and life is good, you are finally getting over the whole Polandball incident and may even one day into space. You have been out celebrating the 70th anniversary of a huge massacre in which thousands of Polish intellectuals and prisoners of war were owned hard by the Ruskies, and you are currently flying over the dastardly commie bastards with some sweet Elton John blasting out of the radio, not to mention your country has recently stumbled upon a huge reserve of valuable natural gas. All is going well, you are making good time when OMG, the attack happens!
Suddenly, dirty Jews strike and you, our dear Polack friend, are at one with a tree and Russian news cameras are on the scene, zooming in on the still burning face of your beloved wife and belittling your death before the internet has even arrived on the scene.
—Time Magazine, [1] LOL WAY TO MISS OUT ON THE LOWEST POSSIBLE STANDARDS | ||
No one could have seen this coming that a plane crash could wipe out the entire government, oh wait!
—George Kastanza, Seinfeld, "The Boyfriend Part 1", 1992 |
BREAKING NEWS
Early in the morning of April 10th, 2010, the entire Polish government showed its moxie by being wiped off the face of the planet by a light fog. A small airplane containing every important member of the Polish politicos and some of their wives (reports are as yet unconfirmed as to whether there was a functioning kitchen onboard) crash-landed in a wooded area of Russia. Luckily, the most important people in Poland are lower on the world foodchain than the lady with a bag made of human hair who hangs around your local booze store, but the moral of the story here, as with all things, is that the jews did it.
—Jan Wojtynski, On begging to differ | ||
So, Russia has had ironclad control over natural gas in Europe for a while. They've been particularly brutal about it, too; you may remember this winter when Russia shut off the heat supply to nearly half of Europe over gas debt disputes with the Ukraine.
About 80 percent of Russian gas to Europe is shipped through pipelines crossing Ukraine. ... As of Wednesday, nations including Bulgaria, Croatia, the Czech Republic, Greece, Italy, Macedonia, Romanians, Serbia, Slovakia, Slovenia and Turkey all reported a halt in Russian gas shipments. Others — including Austria, France, Germany, Hungary and Poland — reported substantial drops in supplies. However, this was also met with a much larger supply of new Polish Salami, that is barbecued in jet fuel.
Naturally, behavior like this had Europeans searching for latent natural gas reserves. Well, they found them in Poland.
- Firstpost: Poland gas find threatens Russia’s hold over EU.
- WSJ: US giants bet on shale gas in Poland.
- BBC: Should Gazprom fear shale gas revolution.
This shit is huge: the breaking of a gigantic, megatrillion energy monopoly. This is a dramatic shift in global economics. Think Beverly Hillbillies on the global stage. One day they were sick of Russia's lack of diplomatic art, and up through the shale came a-bubblin' farts. Transparent gold. Polish toots.
So what happens next? Well, the whole Polish cabinet makes a visit to Russia, and all happen to simultaneously die in a fiery plane crash under mysterious circumstances. I have heard two explanations presented.
- Trees: "Probably hit some trees at the end of the runway, Paszkowski said"
- Pilot error: "Pilot error is suspected as a cause in the crash Saturday in western Russia of the plane carrying President Lech Kaczynski and other top Polish officials, Russian news agencies reported."
These explanations are not explanations. At least when the United States decides to engineer a disaster, we came up with some absurdly entertaining story about some Saudi royal living in a cave leading a bunch of Saudis to defeating multiple layers of US airway security on the one day (EVER) we happened to send all our scramble-ready jets to Canada. "Trees did it" is clearly a gigantic load of bullshit, and I can safely call this one now:
Russian Jews did 4/10. Never forget.
Sources close to ED inform us that a second tree has flown into Polish Air Force One.
Animation with simulation of the newestrussian tree-missle
—Official Polish Government Statement | ||
OSHIT ALL OF POLAND DIED!!!
Poland is a small country, and as such no one cares about it. Like many small countries, after a few internets covered the disasters, they developed Small Country on the Internet Syndrome and started seeking the attention, however this time it has backfired. We regret to inform our readers that on April 10th, approximately 100% of the population of Poland was killed in the tragic treecrash. Extra irony points upon the realization that they were traveling to Russia to mark the anniversary of a massacre they committed against the Russians ninety years previously. Further irony points upon the realization that the plane crashed IN THE SAME FUCKING FOREST AS THE MASSACRE! Oh how the tables have turned. Of course, this is what the Polish get for transporting their entire fucking Presidential cabinet in a Russian spy plane.
KILL FUCKING EVERYONE
Polish Inadequacy
Now although sources are fairly sure that it was indeed the Russian Jews were involved in the plane crash, and indeed Jews are involved in all air travel related mishaps, in our rush to tie nooses for a good old fashion pogrom, we have also forgotten another ample source of techno-lulz; polish idiocy. Since the dawn of time, the polish have been unable to build even the simplest of mechanisms. When the ancient Germanic tribes invaded them in 3000BC, they found the Polacks using triangular wheels, and cooking their food with ice. Since that time, little has changed. Now it is more than likely a sinister Russian Jew did this, the fact that there was a polish pilot aboard, or even a single pollack on the plane, let alone the whole cabinet, eliminated any chance they had for surviving the Russian plot. An American pilot would have pulled of a bad-ass barrel roll and nuked the shit out of Russia for trying to fuck with Obitler (and then Jewnited States of Americunts received some fat Soviet nukes in return - Earth's happy end), but the polish pilot was some combination of drunk, lazy, and stupid that completely prohibited him from taking decisive action. In fact, recovered black box records suggest that the pilot's last action was to push mightily UP on the control stick, thereby pointing the plane's nose directly into the ground; forgetting in a blind panic that he had inverted the plane's look axis in the start menu.
Statisticians noted that directly after the crash, the average IQ of the world went up 8 points.
Don Thine Tinfoil Hats
This one has CONSPIRACY written all over it.
Of course, this early in the game no one actually knows what the fuck happened around this totally awesome incident, but the internet does not wait for careful investigation and rational conclusions, for the internet knows. The internet always knows, which is why you get on it in order to share your delusional paranoid fantasies as fast as you can type. So far, the following have all been independently found to be fully responsible for killing Poland:
- Bad Vlad - Bad Vlad definitely did it, just look at him.
- Russian Jew Conglomerate - Jews have been confirmed as the perpetrators due to involvement of aviation, politics and dirty Jew money. Poland's decision, as mentioned in detail above, to withold gas from various Jew ridden countries makes this the EDiots best bet.
- Other Jews - Jews don't need much of a reason to fuck people's shit up, as stated, there is cash and power involved.
- Pilot Error- The Indian Times decided to weigh in with an article stating that pilot error had been found to be responsible for the crash. How the news got to a Bangalorian shanty town before it reached the west is anyones guess, however this has also been confirmed as accurate by the internet.
- Rainbow Stalin - There was a massacre 70 years ago at the site where many Pollacks were killed by the Ruskies. After the massacre, Stalin commanded the planting of a forest at the site. Obviously Stalin could see into the future and decided to pwn some Pollacks from beyond the grave.
- Trees - Trees did it. This isn't the first politician they've taken out.
- Ents - It's become quite clear over the ages that the trees can't manage fuck all when it comes to getting shit done. Who can manage to get shit done and yet have the perfect disguise? The trees' evil overlords, the fucking Ents, that's who.
- The God of Irony - The grim irony of their deaths became clear to the stunned Polish nation: Their president had been on his way to Russia to commemorate the massacre of tens of thousands of Poles, who had been executed on the order of Soviet dictator Josef Stalin in 1940 in those same forests in the region of Smolensk.
- Faggot and Feminism (in cahoots with Bronislaw Komorowski) - President Lech Kaczynski was a notoriously hardcore Catholic and cracked down on everything from abortion to buttsecks during his time in office. Since the only politician left in Poland is leftard Komorowski, he gets to run unopposed in the upcoming elections.
- Gravity - The plane fell because it was heavier than air.
Gallery
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It was bound to happen
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It was a tree!
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Creepy
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Artist's rendering of how it all happened
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Even trees can pwn Poland. How sad.
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Putin Wins: Flawless Victory - FUCK YEA and all that jazz.
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FUCK the trees
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How the US sees it
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How Russia sees it
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What really happened
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Typical Polish person's response
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He has only started...
Polish responses to this article
Despite this article only seeking justice against the Russians who have caused this murder, several Poles have shown themselves to be quite butthurt over a politician they didn't even like until he died.
—El Polacko | ||
—El Polacko | ||
—DobryPolak | ||
—Cunt Destroyer | ||
The inevitable charity music single
Washed up in rehab coke addict musicians 'The Eagles' so moved by footage of the horrifying tragedy have decided to reform and release a new version of their hit 'Hotel California' to raise money to replant the trees so tragically destroyed in this terrible accident.
In a time back in history, in Europe somewhere.
Hussars in their finery, Polenmadchen so fair.
But ahead in the distance was a very black night.
So full of jews and their monies,
Poland was doing alright.
There were forces coming their way,
come to take, not to sell,
to take this poor country
from a proud Polish heaven into living hell.
Communists with their rifles, panzers coming their way .
Foreign voices in the moonlight,
you could hear them say...
Welcome to the Hotel Katyn Forest.
Such a lovely place, (such a lovely place)
but not a landing place.
Plenty of fog at the Hotel Katyn Forest.
Any time of year,
you'll rest in peace right here.
Nazis traveled to Russia, in their Mercedes Benz.
Before they were enemies but now they are friends.
They make secret agreement for Poland to get.
Their plans for invasion, will be Poland's regret.
Polish cavalry captain,
his men all in line,
prepares to charge at the panzers in nineteen thirty nine.
And the Russians take their prisoners,
outside in the middle of the night,
Just to hear them say...
Welcome to the Hotel Katyn Forest.
Such a lovely place, (such a lovely place)
but not a landing place.
Plenty of fog at the Hotel Katyn Forest.
Any time of year,
You'll rest in peace right here.
Now the war it is over.
But Poland is still not nice,
The people are just prisoners, and they are queuing for rice.
Jews gone in the chambers,
Iron curtain in the east.
we can make it out the forest,
but we can't escape the trees.
Last thing I remember, I had
Putin on the phone,
he called up to apologize,
for former Soviet lies.
Relax, said the pilot,
as he prepared to land.
You can land at any time you like,
But you can never leave!
See Also
External Links
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Polish Lollercaust is part of a series on Visit the Truth Portal for complete coverage. |
| Featured article April 10, 2010 | ||
| Preceded by Dayen |
Polish Lollercaust | Succeeded by Danny Williams |