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Ambrose Bierce: Difference between revisions
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{{quote|'''COMFORT, n. A state of mind produced by contemplation of a neighbor's uneasiness.'''|'''Ambrose Bierce - The Devil's Dictionary, on the state of mind felt by trolls reveling in the butthurt tears of lolcows.'''}} | {{quote|'''COMFORT, n. A state of mind produced by contemplation of a neighbor's uneasiness.''' | ||
|'''Ambrose Bierce - ''The Devil's Dictionary'', on the state of mind felt by trolls reveling in the butthurt tears of lolcows.'''}} | |||
[[File:Abierce.jpg | [[File:Abierce.jpg|thumb|350px|[[Fact|One of the forefathers of modern lulz]].]] | ||
'''Ambrose Bierce''' (born Ambrose Gwinnet Bierce) was born June 24, 1842 and while he became known for a lot of things during his life, his most notable achievements included writing ''The Devil's Dictionary'', a lulzy predecessor to modern day ED (and from which ED draws inspiration), and being such a pissy bastard, many people referred to him as "[[Asshole|Bitter Bierce]]". | |||
==Early life== | == Early life == | ||
He was born the son of Marcus and Laura Bierce, and because his daddy was a terminal [[Autism|autist]], he and rest of his twelve siblings were all given names | |||
He was born the son of Marcus and Laura Bierce, and because his daddy was a terminal [[Autism|autist]], he and rest of his twelve siblings were all given names whose first letter started with A. | |||
His family was [[poor]], but they encouraged their son Ambrose to read and write, so from a young age, Ambrose Bierce was trained in the art of writing something more entertaining than the graffiti and piss streaks on a [[Walmart]] bathroom stall, which would further Bierce's career in producing [[lulz]] later in life. | His family was [[poor]], but they encouraged their son Ambrose to read and write, so from a young age, Ambrose Bierce was trained in the art of writing something more entertaining than the graffiti and piss streaks on a [[Walmart]] bathroom stall, which would further Bierce's career in producing [[lulz]] later in life. | ||
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When he was fifteen, his first job was being a printer's devil for a newspaper in [[Ohio]], which was a fancy way of saying he handled [[Shit|big rolls of printing machine diarrhea]]. | When he was fifteen, his first job was being a printer's devil for a newspaper in [[Ohio]], which was a fancy way of saying he handled [[Shit|big rolls of printing machine diarrhea]]. | ||
==Military Career== | == Military Career == | ||
{{quote|BATTLE, n. A method of untying with the teeth of a political knot that would not yield to the tongue.|''Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, noting that battle essentially means "If you can't win an argument with someone, just kill the motherfucker and thus win by default.}} | |||
{{quote|BATTLE, n. A method of untying with the teeth of a political knot that would not yield to the tongue. | |||
|''Ambrose Bierce, ''The Devil's Dictionary'', noting that battle essentially means "If you can't win an argument with someone, just kill the motherfucker and thus win by default.}} | |||
When [[The War of Northern Aggression]] began, he joined the Union side and first got noticed by his superiors in the Battle of Philippi when he stupidly dragged some fucking idiot who got shot out of harm's way instead of leaving the dumbass to die of his own fail. Some newspapers thought this was [[Retarded|valorous]], [[No|but since his superiors were smarter than a bunch of fucktarded newspaper editors]], he was eventually made a First Lieutenant in 1862 and was assigned as a "topographical engineer", which basically meant he drew pretty pictures of places where it most likely the Confederates would shoot Union soldiers in the ass since most of his commanders were too fucking dumb to figure that shit out for themselves. | When [[The War of Northern Aggression]] began, he joined the Union side and first got noticed by his superiors in the Battle of Philippi when he stupidly dragged some fucking idiot who got shot out of harm's way instead of leaving the dumbass to die of his own fail. Some newspapers thought this was [[Retarded|valorous]], [[No|but since his superiors were smarter than a bunch of fucktarded newspaper editors]], he was eventually made a First Lieutenant in 1862 and was assigned as a "topographical engineer", which basically meant he drew pretty pictures of places where it most likely the Confederates would shoot Union soldiers in the ass since most of his commanders were too fucking dumb to figure that shit out for themselves. | ||
Regardless of having a job that should have kept his ass out of trouble, he nearly got his head blown off in 1864, spent most of the summer sleeping off the bullet in his brain, and was eventually told to GTFO the Union Army in January 1865, but not before becoming a brevet major. | Regardless of having a job that should have kept his ass out of trouble, he nearly got his head blown off in 1864, spent most of the summer sleeping off the bullet in his brain, and was eventually told to GTFO the Union Army in January 1865, but not before becoming a brevet major. | ||
==Personal Life== | == Personal Life == | ||
{{quote|LIFE, n. A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay. We live in daily apprehension of its loss; yet when lost it is not missed. The question, "Is life worth living?" has been much discussed; particularly by those who think it is not, many of whom have written | |||
at great length in support of their view and by careful observance of the laws of health enjoyed for long terms of years the honors of successful controversy.|''Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, on the topic of whether living is important, [[Irony|noting that suicide advocates tend to enjoy lulz and live longer than the rest of us]].}} | {{quote|LIFE, n. A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay. We live in daily apprehension of its loss; yet when lost it is not missed. The question, "Is life worth living?" has been much discussed; particularly by those who think it is not, many of whom have written at great length in support of their view and by careful observance of the laws of health enjoyed for long terms of years the honors of successful controversy. | ||
|''Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, on the topic of whether living is important, [[Irony|noting that suicide advocates tend to enjoy lulz and live longer than the rest of us]].}} | |||
Bierce got married in 1871, had a daughter and two sons, one of which decided to [[an hero]] because some bitch wouldn't fuck him, and the other died of [[alcoholism]], and both died before their daddy did. Bierce eventually left his wife after he read some letters of hers and discovered a secret code in them about how she was slinging her cunt for another guy behind his back. | Bierce got married in 1871, had a daughter and two sons, one of which decided to [[an hero]] because some bitch wouldn't fuck him, and the other died of [[alcoholism]], and both died before their daddy did. Bierce eventually left his wife after he read some letters of hers and discovered a secret code in them about how she was slinging her cunt for another guy behind his back. | ||
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Famous [[homosex|fudgepacker]], [[Oscar Wilde]] once [[trolled]] Bierce by telling him that he'd like to kiss him, leading Bierce to declare, "[[Do not want]]! [[GTFO]], [[fag]]." Bierce later [[Troll's remorse|felt bad about this]] and the two [[buttsex|made friends]] shortly afterwards. | Famous [[homosex|fudgepacker]], [[Oscar Wilde]] once [[trolled]] Bierce by telling him that he'd like to kiss him, leading Bierce to declare, "[[Do not want]]! [[GTFO]], [[fag]]." Bierce later [[Troll's remorse|felt bad about this]] and the two [[buttsex|made friends]] shortly afterwards. | ||
==Journalism== | == Journalism == | ||
After the Civil War, Bierce spent most of his time writing for various news rags eventually coming to be employed by [[William Randolph Hearst]]; who could be considered a forefather to ED itself as he enjoyed lulz and courted a wide readership looking for their latest lulz fix. It was | After the Civil War, Bierce spent most of his time writing for various news rags eventually coming to be employed by [[William Randolph Hearst]]; who could be considered a forefather to ED itself as he enjoyed lulz and courted a wide readership looking for their latest lulz fix. It was while working for Hearst that Bierce would come to master his trade in the art of lulz dispersal. | ||
===Railroad Refinancing Bill=== | === Railroad Refinancing Bill === | ||
When building the First Transcontinental Railroad, the Union and Central Pacific Railroads amassed [[over 9000|130 million dollars in debt]], and even though the US government was really fucking lazy in expecting the money back, Collis Potter Huntington (one the guys responsible for the huge debt) tried to convince Congress [[Jew|to quietly write off the debt because he was a cheapass.]] | When building the First Transcontinental Railroad, the Union and Central Pacific Railroads amassed [[over 9000|130 million dollars in debt]], and even though the US government was really fucking lazy in expecting the money back, Collis Potter Huntington (one the guys responsible for the huge debt) tried to convince Congress [[Jew|to quietly write off the debt because he was a cheapass.]] | ||
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Not long after, the U.S public [[Rage|flipped the fuck out]] over Huntington's corruption, Congress was fucking embarrassed over being the ass end of the drama, and the railroads were forced to pay the money they owed in the first place. | Not long after, the U.S public [[Rage|flipped the fuck out]] over Huntington's corruption, Congress was fucking embarrassed over being the ass end of the drama, and the railroads were forced to pay the money they owed in the first place. | ||
===McKinley Assassination Lulz=== | === McKinley Assassination Lulz === | ||
[[File:Ambrose Bierce Portrait.png|thumb|[[Doing it right]].]] | [[File:Ambrose Bierce Portrait.png|thumb|[[Doing it right]].]] | ||
Bierce gained quite a reputation for taking the piss out of politicians and taking potshots at the fail of society, and when someone killed President McKinley in 1900, opponents of William Randolph Hearst made up [[Bullshit|totally believable claims]] that a short poem written about the assassination of [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/William_Goebel William Goebel] was really Bierce and Hearsts' way of [[And nothing of value was lost|being responsible for McKinley's death.]] | Bierce gained quite a reputation for taking the piss out of politicians and taking potshots at the fail of society, and when someone killed President McKinley in 1900, opponents of William Randolph Hearst made up [[Bullshit|totally believable claims]] that a short poem written about the assassination of [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/William_Goebel William Goebel] was really Bierce and Hearsts' way of [[And nothing of value was lost|being responsible for McKinley's death.]] | ||
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The incident caused an epic shitstorm of controversy, to the point most rival newspapers and even the Secretary of State accused Hearst and Bierce of calling for McKinley's assassination, and even though Hearst was kicked out of a club for rich fucks and had his presidential campaign [[Abortion|killed in the womb]], he was so amused at the seething butthurt Bierce's unintentional troll had started that he never fired Bierce nor confirmed or denied his enemies suspicions about his intentions. | The incident caused an epic shitstorm of controversy, to the point most rival newspapers and even the Secretary of State accused Hearst and Bierce of calling for McKinley's assassination, and even though Hearst was kicked out of a club for rich fucks and had his presidential campaign [[Abortion|killed in the womb]], he was so amused at the seething butthurt Bierce's unintentional troll had started that he never fired Bierce nor confirmed or denied his enemies suspicions about his intentions. | ||
==Literary works== | == Literary works == | ||
Bierce wrote about a variety of topics, not just those oriented towards the lulz, but even his most failtastic writing was praised as being well written. | Bierce wrote about a variety of topics, not just those oriented towards the lulz, but even his most failtastic writing was praised as being well written. | ||
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Some speculate he decided to [[An hero|end his life in a lulzy way]], others argue he was shot by angry spics, and some people <s>just admit they don't have a fucking clue what happened to the guy</s> argue [[Aliens]] took him away. | Some speculate he decided to [[An hero|end his life in a lulzy way]], others argue he was shot by angry spics, and some people <s>just admit they don't have a fucking clue what happened to the guy</s> argue [[Aliens]] took him away. | ||
==Lulzy Quotes From Bierce's Work== | == Lulzy Quotes From Bierce's Work == | ||
{{quote|Idiot, n. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. The Idiot's activity is not confined to any special field of thought or action, but "pervades and regulates the whole." He has the last word in everything; his decision is unappealable. He sets the fashions and opinion of taste, dictates the limitations of speech and circumscribes conduct with a dead-line.|A description of just how bad a [[retard]]'s fail is.}} | |||
{{quote|Idiot, n. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. The Idiot's activity is not confined to any special field of thought or action, but "pervades and regulates the whole." He has the last word in everything; his decision is unappealable. He sets the fashions and opinion of taste, dictates the limitations of speech and circumscribes conduct with a dead-line. | |||
|A description of just how bad a [[retard]]'s fail is.}} | |||
{{quote|Happiness, n. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another. | |||
|this is that sensation you feel when you successfully troll someone.}} | |||
{{quote| | {{quote|Cat, n. A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle. | ||
|[[Hate|You just know Anonymous loves this guy.]]}} | |||
{{quote| | {{quote|Slang is the speech of him who robs the literary garbage carts on their way to the dumps. | ||
|Ambrose Bierce, ''Epigrams'', describing why memefags are the [[Cancer|parties responsible for the death of lulz]].}} | |||
{{quote| | {{quote|Dictionary, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is a most useful work. | ||
|Truer words were never spoken about ''The Devil's Dictionary'' and [[Encyclopedia Dramatica]].}} | |||
== See Also == | |||
* [[Cthulhu]] - Bierce contributed a little to H.P. Lovecraft's work, when he wasn't busy scaring the shit out of him. | * [[Cthulhu]] - Bierce contributed a little to H.P. Lovecraft's work, when he wasn't busy scaring the shit out of him. | ||
* [[Drama]] | * [[Drama]] | ||
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* [[William Randolph Hearst]] | * [[William Randolph Hearst]] | ||
==External Links== | == External Links == | ||
* [ | * [[Wikipedia:Ambrose Bierce|Ambrose Bierce]] on [[Wikipedia]] | ||
* [http://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/search/?query=Ambrose+Bierce Bierce's works, publicly available for reading & download from ''Project Gutenberg''] | * [http://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/search/?query=Ambrose+Bierce Bierce's works, publicly available for reading & download from ''Project Gutenberg''] | ||
* [http://www.thedevilsdictionary.com/ Online edition of ''The Devil's Dictionary''] | * [http://www.thedevilsdictionary.com/ Online edition of ''The Devil's Dictionary''] | ||
* [http://www.ambrosebierce.org/main.html The Ambrose Bierce Project - a digital resource for historyfags.] | * [http://www.ambrosebierce.org/main.html The Ambrose Bierce Project - a digital resource for historyfags.] | ||
{{trolls}} | {{trolls}} | ||
{{Timeline|Featured article March 2 & 3, [[2013]]|[[Vocaloid]]|[[Ambrose Bierce]] and [[William Randolph Hearst]]|[[Mary Sue]]}} | {{Timeline|Featured article March 2 & 3, [[2013]]|[[Vocaloid]]|[[Ambrose Bierce]] and [[William Randolph Hearst]]|[[Mary Sue]]}} | ||
[[Category:People]] | [[Category:People|Bierce, Ambrose]] | ||
[[Category:Lulz History]] | [[Category:Lulz History]] | ||
[[Category:Trolls]] | |||