Cracked: Difference between revisions

'''Cracked.com''' is an unfunny MAD Magazine ripoff that, after years of declining readership, made a few attempts at changing from ripping off more successful humor magazines to ripping off more successful men's magazines before giving up, shutting down and "moving to an online format" (Read: Giving up but still not being able to just let it go) which it is now repeating the same pattern.

==Content==

Much of [[unfunny|Cracked's content]] was generated by its members straight on their flies and out their asses out of the use of smug and complacent "manly White Man/First World self aware superiority and exception". The title of editor also is just a front for the guy who helps supply beer and cocaine to help fuel their loose cannon writing and is simply a yes man. Ironically, you could give a roomful of monkeys the same logistics and you would get a better result over 9000 fold. These contributors would not know comedy if it was sodomizing their virgin ass. But that's alright, because periodically there was some shit that happened to be hilarious, albeit unintentionally. It's sort of like jacking off, you don't know when you'll cum (28 seconds) but it'll feel good until you get there.  

===Numbered Lists===

Numbered lists are one of the two main sources "entertainment" that Cracked provides us. Said numbered lists are given in no real order, instead serving as break-points for the [[ADHD]] addled readers of the e-publication. The comments sections of said lists are equally ADHD addled, but more on that later. Despite the fact that some readers tend to follow the website daily for updates, [[fail|they somehow missed the memo that lists are not given in any particular order.]]

*4 '''Hysterical''' Incidents Of People Forgetting To Set Their Alarm

*12 '''Humongous''' objects that you won't believe we can shove into our editors' assholes!

*6 '''Insane Places''' You Should Go To On Vacation

*5 '''Disturbing''' ways Donald Trump is worse than Hitler, the Antichrist and Satan. (most recent)   

* Why this 90's movie is secretly about child molestation, slavery or the holocaust.

===Comics===

==14 ''Terrible'' Bloggers You Wouldn't Want Your Children to Meet==

The [[bloggers]] of Cracked are where one typically will look for funny. Most of the bloggers offer up a warped persona so that the basement-dwelling denizens of the comments section can have someone to relate to. Unless you're Cody, who everyone seems to simply want to crucify. Thus making him an [[epic]] troll; since he is getting paid to produce work that does little other than piss people the fuck off. Visit any one of his articles (and most videos) and you can be privy to the death threats and hatred for his humor and writing style.

<ol>

<li value="14">'''Felix Clay''': Crazy-ass motherfucker. It is a known fact that he eats [[Your_mom|anything]] and everything, from cum-stained sweets to flavored condoms. No, [http://www.cracked.com/blog/9-things-you-can-eat-when-youre-hungry-at-porn-store/ seriously.] He has also [[buttsex|took it up the ass]] by [[Daddy|fat men]] at orgies. [http://www.cracked.com/blog/4-hilarious-things-i-learned-about-orgies-by-going-to-one/ Again, this is not a joke.] His final article may be entitled "1 Reason Why I Learnt [[do it faggot|You Shouldn't]] Make a Cocktail From [[Bleach]] and [[Autistic|Caustic]] Lye."</li>

<li value="10">'''Dan O'Brien''': ''[[EDiot]]'s Note: This is NOT the British pedophile Dan O'Brien.'' DOB has been with Cracked for quite some time and serves as one of the members of the editorial team in addition to being a regular contributor. He blogs once a week and his range usually scopes from amusing misadventures to utterly mocking the more moronic facets of society at large. DOB is also the first and last winner of the weblog awards webLAME award webSTUPID award for jerks; presented to him after trolling weblog for not including him on the ballot for best blogger.</li>

<li value="9">'''Michael Swaim''' is a blogger cum vlogger (lol; 'cum') with a [[Hipster|twisted sense of humor and a propensity for mocking the more stupid aspects of pop culture]]. His videos typically follow the same grain and make for some amusing material. His delivery always seems to be in the punch you in the face direct variety, but that's okay because S.ex W.ith A.ntelopes I.s M.erry.</li>

<li value="8">'''Robert Brockway''' fits the mold of most of the rest of the bloggers at Cracked as much as any of them. His writings tend to focus on peeling back the stupidity of different facets of society. His version of Choose Your Own Drug-Fueled Misadventures have endeared him to the community, probably because most of the community are too busy to bother hot-railing back some fat rails of [[crystal meth]] and going on a multi-day adventure that usually ends in being locked up.<br />

Besides this he receives bribes to write about games that are actually shit ([http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-things-all-games-could-learn-from-saints-row-iv/ evidence 1] [http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-awesome-flaws-in-new-bioshock-game/ evidence 2]). Notice the fellatio he gives.</li>

<li value="7">'''[[douchebag|Soren Bowie]]''' surprised many of the readers of Cracked by [[bullshit|actually being pretty amusing]] in his writing even though he was playing the quietly psychotic retard angle of a personality, which is basically what [[retard|everyone that contributes]] plays. Sort of like how the entirety of ED is convinced that [[Jews did 9/11]]. As of 2014, he has degenerated into a [[meme]] of himself, with even the male commenters admitting that they'd [[buttsex|bend over]] for him.</li>

<li value="6">'''Chris Bucholz''': The utter chaos that exists in Bucholz creative brain is something to behold. His articles are usually a combination of extremely conflicting topics that he somehow manages to bring together in an amusing fashion. Some of his writings are what the fuck'ish in nature, but that seems to be fairly in line with Cracked's policy of fucking with it's readers.</li>

<li value="5">'''[[Seanbaby]]''': You can find more information on [[Seanbaby]] at the link. To be noted is the popularity amongst the users of his 50's style comic book pages featuring such memorable characters as Dick Whiskey and Punch Master. Doesn't write jackshit anymore, although when he does it's usually quite [[Shit|humorous.]]</li>

<li value="4">'''[[Unwarranted Self-Importance|Gladstone]]''': He hasn't contributed much to the site as of late, though did for a long time. Believed to be one of "those" [[Jews did WTC|that did 9/11]]. You know who I'm talking about. [http://www.cracked.com/blog/3-reasons-there-are-so-many-jews-in-comedy Yup, he is "one of them".]</li>

In the wake of their plummeting pageview count, the owners of Cracked had to find a new way to get their hand on that sweet, sweet Jewgold. A solution was soon found and the site dropped all pretenses of not being a [[Libtard]] echo chamber and cranked it up all the way to 11 and into [[SJW]] territory.  

Cracked, like many websites, at first refused to report upon the [[Zoe Quinn]] scandal and outright deleted anyone's attempts to create a discussion. This is because in the wacky world of Cracked, it is impossible for a woman to do anything wrong and objectionable. Considering the main topics on Cracked are video games and SJWs, there was absolutely no way they had not heard of this and were simply pretending it didn't exist, a tactic employed by babies during a game of peekaboo.

Needless to say, they soon realized that they could not longer ignore the issue and found it better to go from avoiding the issue of Zoe to full-on doing PR for her and thereby profiting by pandering to their newly found readerbase. They soon wrote not one, not [http://www.cracked.com/quick-fixes/a-90-second-guide-to-determine-if-your-internet-cause-bs/ two], not [http://www.cracked.com/blog/4-ways-gamers-still-suck-at-dealing-with-women/ three], not  [http://www.cracked.com/video_19092_4-types-bullying-we-are-shockingly-ok-with.html four], not [http://www.cracked.com/blog/7-ways-gamergate-debate-has-made-world-worse/ Five (This one out right saying anyone against a social justice warrior is a bad guy)], But [http://www.cracked.com/article_22230_5-ugly-realities-being-woman-in-gaming-industry.html six fucking articles] about how GamerGate is shit and gamers are nerds (6.5 if you count [http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-things-everyone-gets-wrong-about-free-speech/ this one] which was so shit that [http://www.huffingtonpost.com/greg-lukianoff/7-things-cracked-got-wron_b_5888258.html?utm_hp_ref=tw The Huffington Post wrote a response to debunk it]), one of which [http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-things-i-learned-as-internets-most-hated-person/ was written by Zoe herself] and at its end [[Unrealistic Expectations|she declares GamerGate to be over]] as if that will magically make it true and get people to leave her alone.

David Wong was quick to brag about how the Zoe article gained them tons of traffic (further illustrating how far they have fallen), and on the next day say that it seems that he has "lost the GamerGate's attention", not realizing that this loss of attention is a big chunk of what is left of his readership leaving him like rats escaping a sinking ship.

|{{center|<big>'''{{colortext|red|All The Others}}'''</big>}}The rest of Cracked is made up of large congregations of the following:

<ol>

*[[Gamers]]

*[[SJW|SJWs]]

*[[Aspies]]

*[[Keyboard Warriors]]

*Rejects from every other section of the Internet

*Combinations of all of the above

<li value="13"> [[Batman|Miller > Moore]]

<li value="14"> Spanking is [[child abuse]]. Anyone who practices it is too much of a [[pussy]] to hit an animal that can defend itself.

<li value="16"> No matter how much time passes and how good they try to cover it, the fact that [[Transgender|Transgendered]] people have the wrong set of chromosomes, and a plastic-moulded [[vagina]]/[[penis]] will never beat the real deal. Also, anyone who fucks them is technically a [[faggot]].

<li value="17"> Say anything to the effect of, Edison was better than Tesla.

</ol>

==External links==

*{{archive|jRtDV|5 Things I Learned From Being Addicted to Child Porn}} No, this is a legit article on there. We are not making this up. It is not a [[photoshop|sh00p]]. Parody is dead.

*[http://www.cracked.com/pictofacts-696-18-people-who-elevated-sarcasm-to-art-form/ 18 Acts Of Sarcasm That Make Us Proud To Be Smartasses] - [http://www.cracked.com/members/gicusudoru/ Cracked user gicusudoru] ranked [[Brianna Wu]] #4 in the list.

*[http://www.returnofkings.com/51878/5-uncomfortable-truths-about-cracked-magazine 5 Uncomfortable Truths About Cracked Magazine]

==See Also==

*[[Clickbait]]

*[[Buzzfeed]]

{{Sites}}