Encyclopedia Dramatica:Article of the Now/October 8, 2022
Halloween or CHILD PURGE DAY is that special time of year we run over children at twice the rate of any other day of the year. This is largely done as a means of population control dressed up as a fun filled, candy scarfing, spooky festival of giggles and laughter... at least up until the point at which your child winds up permanently plastered across the pavement like a bright red jelly stain. Every day for the rest of your life, whenever you get behind the wheel of a car and look at the road... you'll see their squashed little faces, heads popped open like a grape, their brains smeared all over the roadway. You can take comfort, though, in your ritual sacrifice to Satan himself, knowing your dead children will help bring forth a bountiful harvest and keep demons from Dahmering your goats or... some crazy assed Pagan shit.
Don't worry about taking any responsibility for your dead children either, because the media, the police, hell even the government has got you covered! Throughout the whole month of October they'll constantly cram into your vacuous little head every irrational, nonsensical, completely improbable, statistically irrelevant danger and urban legend they can think of to completely distract you from the fact that having your spergbrood ground into the asphalt is the leading cause of death amongst the ankle biter population.
From razors and glass embedded into candy, to poisoned treats, to horrifically dangerous marijuana edibles that will do... absolutely nothing actually; but apparently law enforcement agencies across the country feel inclined to waste millions of dollars in tax payer money trying to warn you of the completely nonexistent danger of getting high on a totally non-addictive substance that's utterly impossible to overdose on.
For anyone not under the age of 16, Halloween is a time to revel in extensive debauchery. It is highly encouraged you get absolutely shitfaced, wear next to nothing, and vomit on hot sluts before attempting to drive home drunk, alone and empty inside. With any luck you'll inadvertently go crotch biscuit bowling with your car and purge at least six or eight of the snot faced little hellspawns.
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