Hutaree
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Hutaree is a group of whack-nut wing-job "Christian" that got their asses busted by the Party Van in a giant raid in Michigan on terrorism and gun charges after they formed a militia and started threatening Islam and planning to kill police officers. At one point, after the raids had begun the leader nut called a legitimate militia nearby and asked for help. Their leader, who is of Muslim descent, told him to go fuck himself.
All the shit hit the fan when the feds showed up and started raiding 'tards in three different states. Seven people have been arrested but nobody knows why for being complete fucking douchebags and failures at life. Local people have been quoted as describing the situation as if an army had descended on their towns.
Captain Hutaree Thinks Up a Plan
David Brian Stone, also known to his followers as "Captain Hutaree," has some kind of big bug up his ass with the government. And not just the feds! He hates all government. Deciding that his hometown would be much improved by turning it into Afghanistan, Dave gets his wife and kids together and hatches a plan to kill some fucking cops. The Stone family and their closest friends from church decided that the best way to do this would be to kill one cop, and then take out a whole bunch more by ambushing the subsequent funeral. With everything decided, the group went about the business downloading plans for IED's off the Internet, gathering the parts, and finding some schmuck to set up cops the bombs. All for Jesus. Just to make sure they did it in style, they all went out and bought matching outfits and sewed on their own flag and nut-job merit badges. After this, Dave's plan kind of goes nowhere, so it was off to the woods for an adventure filled camping trip featuring fun activities like setting up booby-traps and waiting, armed to the teeth, for the attacking SWAT teams and rampaging hoards of sinners in the final battle between good and evil. Just like the Boy Scouts (but without all the sodomy)! Somewhere along the way the authorities, no doubt spying on the God-loving Hutaree (by answering the phone calls from the locals who told them about their forum posts)(and because EVERYBODY in town FUCKING KNEW), got wind of Dave's clever plan and decided to shut the whole thing down.
—Yahoo! News | ||
And Some Ranks
The Hutaree insignia includes a sword, crossed spears, and the letters "CCR" which stand for "Colonial Christian Republic." Hutaree members use a unique system of paramilitary ranks with titles from highest to lowest: Radok, Boramander, Zulif, Arkon, Rifleman (three grades), Lukore, and Gunner (three grades).
—University of Pennsylvania linguistics professor Mark Lieberman via Wikipedia | ||
FBI Raid a Wake
Just to be extra lulzy, the FBI decided that they'd beat them at their own game by raiding one of their funerals instead. This is just more evidence of how twisted and evil all forms of government are! What kind of sick bastards would attack people attending a funeral?!
And A Pizza Store
Captain Hutaree Calls For Reinforcements
Once it was pretty clear that the man was going to kick his ass, Dave called a neighboring militia to send in more red-necks and was promptly told to go fuck himself by a traitor commie Jew in league with the Illuminati.
The sand-nigger was promptly kicked out of the militia.
It's NOT Us!
At one point, after the media picked up the story, a law abiding yet unrelated militia group was mistaken for the crazies. Shortly thereafter, they put a big disclaimer on their website:
Joshua Stone On The Run
After all of the gunfire died down somebody decided to do a head body count and found they where one short. Joshua Stone, taking the teachings of der fuhrer to heart, took to the hills! (We assume, because nobody knows where the fuck he is) The cops have set up a tip-line for you to phone your tips into.
This has the potential for much lulz in the near future.
Place your bets on which lunatic outcome we'll see from this:
- Josh Surrenders (pussy)
—CNN | ||
- Josh gets dragged out of bed
- Josh gets dragged off the toilet
- Lunatic hostage situation
- Lunatic hostage situation ending in shootout
- An hero
- Dramatic shootout with the authorities
Some crazy heroic adventure where the Hutaree philosophy comes dominate mankind thanks to Josh's amazing efforts and the world becomes a conservative utopia free of Muslims, terrorists, liberals, homosexuals, and Jews ruled by Zombie Jesus.
Meanwhile, On YouTube
At one point, before any of the above hilarity, an unrelated nut job wannabe calling himself Pale Horse (b&'ed) for no apparent reason, posted a video featuring his mad skills with a voice scrambler and Windows Movie Maker. Then a conservative talk-show host wannabe with an Internet radio show, named Alex Jones, interviewed Pale Horse after rumors were spread that he was somehow associated with the Hutaree. This was quickly cleared up when Pale Horse explained that he was not involved with Hutaree, but instead was a member of a legitimate, unrelated, militia group and proved once and for all that they're all fucking crazy. Alex was quick to backpedal his ass off and eventually come out saying that any real conservative wouldn't be associated with a militia because we all know they've been secretly infiltrated by the feds, and they're just wanting to set you up. He went on to mention that the federal agent infiltrated militias were always eager for new patsys for their domestic terrorism/false flag programs. We know it's all true because it's in the bible. Read the parts about the Illuminati and Jews!
Meanwhile, on the real Hutaree YouTube Channel all of the comments and ratings have been disabled. By the fed. Because they want to take away our freedoms. And they don't love America.
It's A Conspiracy!
Turns out all of those stories about secret government agents from the FBI sent to spy on the freedom loving, patriotic, Americans were true. This is proof that the government is planing on taking away our guns and forcing us to buy health care insurance! If the liberal agenda is allowed to happen then the country will be ruined and society will fall into barbarism! We need to start a civil war to keep that from happening!
—The Wall Street Journal | ||
On top of that, it turns out that the feds may have fucked it up. When our merry bunch of lunatics got to their arraignment, it turned out that they didn't really do a whole bunch of anything. Dave mainly ran his mouth off and called for open war against fucking everybody, and they talked about how they where going to do it, but never got around to really doing anything. We also found out that the patsy that was recruited to make the IED's was the undercover FBI agent, and Dave's directions for making a super-awesome-mega-killing-bomb that he got from the internet was nothing more than wrapping a fire-cracker in a cut up street sign. They used most of the ones they made in their super-awesome-mega-videos on YouTube. They did find a few stolen street signs in the back of someones car though.
—CNN | ||
Somehow, all of the Huteree figure it's better to look like incompetent red-neck's on a misadventure, as opposed to uber-scary militant red-neck's preparing to wage war against everybody, and shut their mouth's. Now their lawyer's are saying that it was nothing but jibba-jabba and their clients God given right to freedom of speech as outlined by The First Amendment is being violated and everyone will be vindicated by the criminal justice system. Unless it's been corrupted by the New World Order and everyone in the jury is a Nazi or a Jew. This is socialism! What kind of a country are we living in?!
—Freedom loving patriotic American defending civil liberties | ||
Then, we find out the real reason they where all so pissed off!
Turns out, Tina forgot to check Snopes.
But the judge won't let them out of jail because he's a Jewish Nazi Illuminati in league with the evil liberals and Obama. Never mind all of the planning and training for "protracted resistance to federal authority" and "hidden caches of supplies intended for their use in evading capture."
—Reuters | ||
later a bunch of Libretarian intelectuels like Alex Jones who exposed the ILLUMNATI JEWISH COMPUTER GOD ZIONIST LIZARD MAN nwo CONSPIRACY TO ARREST THESE BRAVE PATRIOTS
Wait, umm...?
As of May 3rd, it looks like all of their talk about free speech and jibba-jabba is being taken seriously. A judge has just said that even after the FBI have gotten the Hutaree charged with "seditious conspiracy, attempted use of weapons of mass destruction, teaching the use of explosive materials and possessing a firearm during a crime of violence" they can still get bail! FUCK YEAH! AMERICAN!
—CNN | ||
This means that in about a week, each of the Hutaree members will be paying a $30,000,000 full-cash bond. Then they'll be free to go about living their normal lives while their cases are quickly and justly dismissed by the legal system. God fearing, Jesus loving Christian Americans from all over The United States of America and Texas are eagerly awaiting Congressman Stone's release, exoneration, and election to public office. We have yet to hear from Senator Stones campaign office, but we're sure that they'll have all the information we need as soon as President Stone is back in Washington.
Oh shit...
—Freep | ||
They Got Trolled
Turns out that the FBI wasn't even interested in the Hutaree until another group of nut-jobs decided they where going to do some IRL trolling.
—NPR | ||
Major success!
Again
Just before The Man was about to let everyone out of jail... they changed their mind.
—detnews.com | ||
And it turns out that David's dad, Ray Stone, is a long haired hippy nature worshiper.
On The Phorum O' Nut-Jobs
On the Phorum o' nut-jobs you'll find exciting topics of conversation such as:
- Public Forum - Anyone may post here without registering. Mods reserve the right to delete, ban or whatever they feel like doing to anyone for any reason. Since the media hit, this has pretty much turned into /b/. Surprisingly it seems the Hutaree retards did invest in a robust web host or just bought a shitload of extra bandwidth. The forum has withstood the /b/ onslaught for over
244872over 9000 hours now without breaking. This defied expectations that the lulz would run out prematurely. To compound the awesome, it seems the only existing mods are currently being sodomized by veiny drifter cock in the Southern Michigan Federal Lockup. However, it is inevitable that the site will crash, implode under the weight of trolls or be taken down by the FBI. See the lulz while you can- and screenshot that shit! - Evil Jew Forum - Talk about being an evil Jew and how we are taking over the world in our own private forum where no one else can see. Shalomi or something. (srsly!) Nobody knows what goes on behind these sealed passages. Presumably, they're counting their Jew gold and plotting their eventual domination of the world.
- Chaplain's Corner - "Resistance to tyranny is obediance to God" Repent! Repent! God's gonna get ya! Blow up the damn hippies if you want to get into heaven! Obama's the Anti-Christ and must be destroyed!
- And other gems...
In Their Own Words
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External Links
- Official Nut-job Website o' lulz.
- Official Nut-job Forum o' lulz.
- Nut-job YouTube.
- Supposed Hutaree member's YouTube channel, according to Alex Jones
- YouTube search for "hutaree"
- YouTube search for "hutaree militia"
- Seven arrested in FBI raids linked to Christian militia group.
- Official: Gun charges after FBI raids in Midwest.
- Massive Federal Raid in Lenawee County. *UPDATED WITH PICTURES!*
- Alleged militia members indicted for plotting attack on police.
- Christian Militia Raid: Family of Four Allegedly Behind Plot to Ambush Police
- 9 Militia Members Charged In Police-Killing Plot
- Indictment: Militia members sought to 'levy war' against U.S.
- Feds confirm 'activities' in southeastern Michigan.
- Indiana man charged in plot contests indictment
- Christian militia accused of plotting to kill cops
- At least 7 arrested after raids in 3 states.
- 'Christian warrior' militia accused in plot to kill police
- Indictment: Militia planned to murder officer, attack funeral
- Official: Gun Charges After FBI Raids in Midwest.
- FBI Arrests Three in Raids on Militias.
- Official: Gun charges after FBI raids in Midwest.
- 'Christian warrior' militia accused in plot to kill police
- Christian militia accused of plotting to kill cops Shows picture of the outside of Thomas W. Piatek's house
- Militia Probe Included Undercover FBI Agent
- Feds: Christian militia needed to be 'taken down'
- Militia arrests timed to prevent violence, official says
- Not-guilty pleas entered for 8 Michigan militia members
- Not the Nut-Jobs.
- For Hutaree, Web rumor stoked anger at Obama
- Feds argue against releasing 8 members of Michigan militia
- Lawyers for U.S. militia members seek their release
- U.S. judge denies bail for militia group members
- Alleged militia leader rants on secretly recorded tape
- Judge: Accused milita members can get bond
- Judge: Prove Hutaree planned attack on law enforcement
- Judge orders release of 9 Hutaree militia members
- How The FBI Got Inside The Hutaree Militia
- Appeals court halts Hutaree release
