Jay Mariotti
Jay Mariotti is a former a sportswriter for the Chicago Sun-Times and a national columnist for Fanhouse.com. Known paisano, mother of four, mediacrat, judo instructor, collegiate mascot, and Woody h8r, Mariotti was a regular on ESPN's Around the Horn. It is presumed that he may be a wizard, capable of turning himself invisible and appearing at places such as the White Sox Clubhouse in 2004 where he claimed to be present but no one could see him. This might also be evidence that Jay Mariotti does not exist. He has been accused of faggotry by White Sox manager Ozzie Guillén.
ON TEH INTERNETZ
In July 2010, Deadspin.com contributor A.J. Daulerio apparently cockblocked a guy to deceive some nice young lady into divulging private details of her converstaion with ESPN An hero Jay Mariotti. (NOTE: The following has been edited for greater lulz although the context remains unchanged.)
AJD: Spill, please
KUMDUMPSTA2: I knew about around the horn, whatever, but I certainly didn't know or care who was on it
KUMDUMPSTA2: I pretty much told all of this to mariotti who goes off on how he has a huge cock
and how he relates to players because of it and he fears cameras and photos taken of him in clubs just like black people in the NFL
KUMDUMPSTA2: and how he can't be spotted with alcoholic beverages (like the one he was holding. lol) because ESPN would ream him out
KUMDUMPSTA2: and how it's really tough to be so well known and famous
AJD: Surriously!?
KUMDUMPSTA2: and have everyone up in your grill
KUMDUMPSTA2: he's divorced and got my number
AJD: LULZ!
KUMDUMPSTA2: You cannot post this conversation anywhere!
KUMDUMPSTA2: CANNOT!!! ....
KUMDUMPSTA2: I would NEVAR EVAR EVAR EVAR EVARRRRRRRRR hook up with him but I was high as fuck
KUMDUMPSTA2: besides I think he had a girlfriend there
KUMDUMPSTA2: some blonde [furry]
KUMDUMPSTA2: anyway... so we talked for quite some time and he's going on about his schedule, how he films 250,000 days a year
KUMDUMPSTA2: and how [the itching] gets so intense.
KUMDUMPSTA2: and he makes me WATCH A [GOATSE] CLIP OF HIM ON HIS PHONE
AJD: MOAR!
KUMDUMPSTA2: I am not making this up.
KUMDUMPSTA2: okay, now I feel like a gossiping bitch. Am I being a gossiping bitch?
KUMDUMPSTA2: I sort of am. LOLZ!
AJD: Not at all! but...
AJD: Guess what? I lied. I'm going to post this on the web, you gossiping bitch!
LOLWUT?
In November of 2009, Mariotti was lurking in a poor effort to seduce wimmins at an underground nightclub in Chicago when he was sodomized and thrown out of the club by an NFL linebacker with an even bigger lap rocket for assaulting a kid for taking his picture without his permission.
Spotted with two wh0res, Jay saw the kid taking his picture with a cell phone and decided it was time to B.E. Agressive. Chasing the kid down he tried to steal the phone in question as the kid screamed "get the fuck away from me....i didn't take your picture loser. lol" A swarm of securiteh manhandled Mariotti to the ground missionary style before making him bite the curb. He began proclaiming himself an innocent victim of media rape and then used his powers to curse the owner of the club who no longer remembers the incident.
Surprise Sex
It has been reported that Jay Mariotti was arrested on August 21, 2010 on charges of domestic violence. His attourney claims that the accusations made by the accuser, Mariotti's girlfriend, are completely false and that she did it for the lulz. However, it is likely that Jay Mariotti will soon end up in prison where he will be almost raped, then later raped by Plaxico Burress who by this time might literally be butthurt.
