Oniontown
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Oniontown is a charming and rustic hamlet in up-state Jew York City which has become famous on the internets because it's, like, poor. Concurrently, it has become a common pastime for giggling suburban students to drive in from white suburbs loaded with camcorders and booze to guffaw at the residents and marvel at the fact that there are chickens walking around outside (srsly).
The difference (as many of these failed abortions are finding to their cost) is that unlike the Blair Witch, Appalachians are very real. They all own guns. And they WILL kill your ass if you decide to go fuck with them. Since the death of a white suburban teenager would likely result in a suburban soccer-mom catastrophe, it is the duty of every servant of the lulz to encourage fucktards to visit and poke the locals for great justice.
It Will All End In Lulz
In 2007, the Oniontown Chamber of Commerce in conjunction with the Greater Oniontown Tourism Board started a viral video campaign on YouTube. Newly aware of what a vivacious hub of commerce and culture the community was, tourists soon began flocking there from as far away as the bustling metropolis of Mahopac, thirty whole miles away!
The local residents were overjoyed and, much in the same way that the residents of Hawa'ii welcome newcomers by throwing petals and garlands, showered their new friends with traditional mineral sculptures and novelty paperweights (each weighing several pounds).
The two teens were reported by the press to have sustained overwhelming sensations of welcome and goodwill to the face and neck. State Police Tourist Officer Eric Schaefer characterized this as typical of the town's cosmopolitan ethos, and sent the following message to would-be visitors:
The Video: "Adventures In Oniontown" (aka The BAWWW Bitch Project)
0:11 Filming begins with a shot of a dream catcher hanging from the kids' rear view mirror, presumably to catch any bad dreams incurred while passing out at the wheel. You never know, though; when Daddy told them he was buying them a vehicle with "In-Car Navigation," they probably thought they were getting KITT from Knight Rider.
1:12 The whiteneck in the front passenger seat begins waving a tool intended for ripping up roofing around saying "I'm going to take those fuckers with me."
2:10 The cameraman begins hooting and giggling hysterically. This is never explained but the filming cuts off at this point, leading the viewer to conclude that he swallowed his tongue and had to be assisted.
2:22 "I call this The Last Supper," says the cameraman, filming his drive-through McDonald's. He turns out to be wrong, due to a tragic lack of food poisoning.
2:42 The kids' "Mood Music" for the Appalachian mountains has changed from bluegrass (wat) to an Irish jig (wat).
3:20 The sun begins to set. Windows are hurriedly rolled up, to the sound of increasingly nervous macho laughter.
4:14 "I think you should turn the lights out on the truck. Why don't you turn the lights out on your truck? TURN THE FUCKING LIGHTS OFF THEY'LL SEE US!"
4:30 "Is, that, like, a CHICKEN? Just, like HANGING, or, STANDING THERE?"
4:45 "No more flash photography. No more. Stop it." "Stop what?" "Flash photography."
5:00 "Woooow. I just saw a window. An OPEN WINDOW. This place is FUCKING CRAZY. This is creepy shit. We should back up. Bitch. Bitch. Put the camera down."
5:20 JESUS CHRIST IT'S A NORMAL-LOOKING WOMAN WEARING A COAT! GET IN THE- oh, wait.
5:55 "THERE'S A FUCKING CHICKEN WALKING AROUND!"
7:46 "We should come back when it's dark," opines the cameraman, echoing the unspoken thoughts of a million YouTube viewers.
TL;DR: Nothing happens. There is apparently some sort of creepy chicken, like, STANDING THERE. They then shit themselves and run home to mommy because, being from the internet, they have never encountered a woman before. Also, they appear to be some sort of pussy volunteer firefighters.
Aerial View
Intelligent Quotes
—Alnora | ||
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Future Projects
Tyler, Alex and Tom are currently all grounded, but ED is currently accepting donations from the public in the hope that when these three brave lulzmonauts are released, we will have raised enough money to buy them gas money to NYC and a map of The Bronx.
Buy A Chicken
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Looking for work in Oniontown?
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It's a CHICKEN! A FUCKING CHICKEN! LIKE, WALKING AROUND!
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NOBODY is to stone ANYBODY until I BLOW THIS WHISTLE!
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"I know these boys, they wouldn't hurt a fly!" -Youtube comments
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Girls and chickens - secret weakness of college white boys everywhere, apparently.
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Even Google Maps knows to stay out of Oniontown.
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There are attention whores in Oniontown too.HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS.
It's Dangerous To Go Alone, Take These
- Stoning in the Mid-Hudson News
- The same in Newsday
- ...and again in the Canadian Press
- Small thread about Oniontown wincest and Indians (complete with STFU from real Indian)
- How to get there. Go on, go get killed for the lulz. It'll be the coolest drinking story ever. All the frat guys will be SO JEALOUS. DO IT FAGGOT.
Out Of Fairness, Last Word To The Residents Themselves
See Also
| Featured article July 22, 2008 | ||
| Preceded by Paul Franke |
Oniontown | Succeeded by Japanese Bug Fights |