Upper Brookfield
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Upper-Brookfield is a rural suburb which has been publically known for having the largest population of mentally and physically handicapped residents in Australia. Upper-Brookfield is also notorious for having more faggots, child molesters, rapists and reported cases of incest and bestiality than any other suburb in Australia. (Not including anywhere in the entire state of Tasmania, as they’re not really part of Australia, but more in comparison to the likes of a parasitic growth protruding from the anus of an Indian slum lord) In the entirety of the developed western world, Upper-Brookfield is also the only known area to still be affected by leprosy, due to the copious amounts of faeces which are left fermenting in the streets and exposed to anyone ignorant enough to roam the depths of this literal “shit-hole”.
Founding of Upper Brookfield:
Upper-Brookfield (not to be confused with Auschwitz concentration camp or the nine circles of Hell) was settled in 1894 after Brookfield founder Gerald Brooks decided to designate a patch of swamp land and landfill to his younger brother Asswi’pe, because he felt that his younger brother wasn’t getting the recognition he deserved in the founding of Normal Brookfield. Although this theory was somewhat true, most historians recognize that the real reason why Gerald designated that land to his younger brother is because it was a colossal, useless, wasted space littered with cane toads and stoned Aboriginals. Another well-known reason is also because Gerald grew tired of supporting Asswi’pe while he had numerous sexual encounters with their cousin Albert, and because he used all of Normal Brookfield’s only natural resource, a lot of horses, for undisclosed reasons, currently not permitted to be discussed outside of the District Court of Queensland on grounds of witness safety and relocation legislation. Since Asswi’pe’s founding of Upper-Brookfield, he had since built the suburb’s original town hall, and many of the houses found in the area. All of which are overturned cardboard boxes reinforced with animal faeces and semen.
Upper-Brookfield in the 20th Century:
For many years Upper-Brookfield remained unchanged for the worst, due to Aswi’pe abusing his authority as founder and Mayor of Upper-Brookfield for personal gain and “[not giving] a fuck anymore. Them cunts can steal their own fuckin’ ciggies. I’m not paying for dem sluts to fuckin’ smoke dope- I’m paying for them to suck cock!” (Excerpt regarding his last term in office and his former cabinet members - from his unpublished autobiography) In later years, this led to Asswi’pe succumbing to a spray paint addiction. In an interview with some of Upper-Brookfield’s senior residents inquiring into Aswi’pe’s abuse of power, many residents stated that he became “too lazy to do fuckin’ shit.” When interviewed about the subject, Upper-Brookfield’s longest living resident, Reagan Wheelson, the rapist stated, “Fuck off! Quit making fuckin’ so much noise. White cunts.” As he was positioned in a large Eucalyptus tree in the midst of finding disoriented, drunken aboriginal women to wander into his carefully placed bear traps - while masturbating. After many pleas from public figures in the community, Aswi’pe relinquished himself from the jaws of death after he sniffed his last can of DULUX AcraTex 952 Spray On before deciding to help improve the suburb and increase infrastructure. In 1924, Asswi’pe managed to quit abusing spray paint altogether. Not only did he quit because of the damage it was causing to himself and the people involved in his life, but mainly because he ran out of plastic bags. After his successful rehabilitation in Mid-August 1925, Asswi’pe started a family with his secretary Christie Phan. Christie gave birth to their bastard, physically handicapped, conjoined twins, Colin and Charlie. They were joined at the scrotum.
After a sudden outbreak of the black plague in 1928, Asswi’pe, along with his life partner Christie and their slightly less physically retarded son Colin died. The outcome of this outbreak was devastating as millions died. The population of Upper-Brookfield dropped to just 3, Aswi’pe’s surviving son Charlie, his cat Captain Majestic, and an expired bag of nacho cheese flavoured Doritos. During the summer of 1939, then 14 year old Charlie Brooks decided to repopulate what was left of Upper-Brookfield. Out of desperation to save the dying breed of Upper-Brookfieldites, he opened the bag of Doritos; huffed the fumes from the long expired fake cheese; acquired a considerable erection; and repeatedly ‘boned’ Captain Majestic for 8 hours perpetually. As a result, Charlie and Captain Majestic’s only child was born.
On January 7th 1940, Captain Majestic gave birth to their daughter Ally Jigaboo Brooks. She went on to become the Mayor of Upper-Brookfield at the age of 16 when both her parents were killed in a freak bondage accident. After a police investigation on July 14th 1956, Junior Detective J. Lawrence reported that the cause of death was the use of a noose instead of standard rope, (due to Captain Majestic’s poor eye sight and inability to not be a fucking cat) which lead to the wrong type of rope being purchased from Bunning’s bondage division. It is also known that Captain Majestic’s eye sight problem was caused from having been ejaculated on his face, which then seeped into his eyes one hour prior to his untimely death.
Ally went on to reform the education system in Upper-Brookfield by building their first elementary school in 1961. This elementary school consisted of one classroom/library, one portable toilet, and the principal’s office. Although the inclusion of the elementary school did increase the average of their suburbs resident’s IQ from 17 to 24, the campus was heavily criticised because the amount of students who were sexually abused by the headmaster was significantly greater than every primary school in south-east Brisbane’s statistic of zero. After this blunder, the school was shut down and was replaced by a proper school by means of funding from the Queensland and Federal Government, who ironically managed to metaphorically “molest” children with their lack of competency in every regard to provide them with a satisfactory education. (See: Australian Education Revolution)
Upper Brookfield in the 21st Century:
Upper-Brookfield has been largely unchanged since the suburb’s inception, as the suburb still adopts many out-dated methods for medical treatment, supplying power and waste management which are, in modern times, only used in severely poor, third world countries like New Zealand. The current waste disposal facility used by Upper-Brookfield is literally a giant hole dug in the ground where everyone disposes of human waste. E.g. shit, piss, semen, menstrual fluids, vomit, aborted babies and Wayne Swan etc.
Upper-Brookfield currently doesn’t have an adequate health system, partly due to the majority of its government funding being laundered for anal lubricants and gonorrhoea medication. Hypothetically, if you were to get diagnosed with an illness in Upper-Brookfield e.g. AIDS or cancer (a 99.999% contraction rate in Upper-Brookfield), it’s basically a death sentence. However, if you were to get diagnosed with any of these diseases in “normal” establishments such as Dinmore or Logan, chances of survival are 100% greater, as you’re likely to be blasted with large amounts of radiation, which after the events of Chernobyl, proved to have absolutely no side effects what so ever.
After the economic boom which occurred when someone with more than $16.80 in their bank account decided to move to Upper-Brookfield, this god forsaken suburb has been well known for its rapid infrastructural advances throughout the past two decades. After 14 years of construction riddled with delays due to tedious workers strikes in favour of repealing industry regulations relating the use of paint-thinner solely for the purpose of thinning oil-based paints, Upper-Brookfield finally managed to upgrade their town hall from a sodden cardboard box to a storage container with a milk crate positioned in the back, adjacent to two dead possums and several old XXXX Bitter cans.
Upper-Brookfield is currently secluded to the rest of Brisbane due to its dense bush land riddled with various foreign weeds, its foul stench and ugly residents, but mostly because the outskirts of Upper-Brookfield contains numerous sex offenders, child molesters, Satanists, hipsters, AFL fans, retards and gays. If you attempt to enter Upper-Brookfield it is essential that you dispose of all shiny objects, illicit narcotics, child pornography, or pancake batter immediately, as said objects will attract unwanted attention/sexual advances from most residents. If your “shiny objects” happen to be hunting knives, or hand guns, use them immediately and without hesitation.
Fauna and Flora:
Upper-Brookfield has a rich and diverse selection of native shrubbery, including, grass, weeds, and sticks; all of which are used commonly used as aphrodisiacs or poor substitutions for marijuana.
Native Animals:
Squilly D. (scientific name: foramen asinus)
This creature is often described as a curly haired, acne ridden teenager with poor coordination and inadequate social skills. Squilly D is also commonly seen rummaging through bins for scraps of bread, butter and tasty cheese, as well as spending much of his day running around the school yard trying to throw water at people in an effort to look masculine. It is recommended that if one is to spot this severely deformed creature, they should try to avoid close contact, especially if you are in possession of any form of animal excrement or severed human penises. The gender of this unusual creature is currently unknown, as it has a clear attraction to both male and female humans. It is also rumoured that in the presence of certain individuals it may begin to salivate and froth at the mouth while making atypical gurgling/barking noises. This is usually seen as a common mating ritual, often followed by awkward silences and looking over at lanky, repulsive people named Jason for approval. On rare occasions, Squilly D has been seen to present his desired mate with several cans of expired Spaghetti-O’s in tomato sauce if there is currently not enough saliva to produce mouth frothing and gurgling/barking noises.
Other attempts of asserting itself as the alpha male/female or find a mate, is by trying to come up with the best kind of insult it can think of about Ipswich and getting bowling shoes from Goodna. Squilly D will then direct these lacklustre insults at the already established alpha male while attempting to grab his nipples to try and over turn him in a bid gain power of his clan and appear as if he is rougher than your mum’s vagina. Squilly D’s daily routine consists of; waking up, watching TV, eating breakfast (pancakes), watching TV, eating dinner, fap, watching TV, fap and going to bed.
On most weekends, Squilly D can also be found in the tennis court of a large waste facility trying to imitate what can be interpreted as a quadriplegic having an epileptic fit. This is known to the natives of Upper-Brookfield as “Spin bowling.” If unsuccessful, Squilly D will usually get fed up with bowling and switch to batting instead. However, this farce typically concludes with Squilly D getting bowled out by a homosexual, chronic masturbator. This act of femininity concludes usually with a hormonal fit, urinating its pants, and breaking a 10 year old super soaker.
Squilly D is also famously known to defecate from its mouth by means of constant recycling of unintelligible phrases. However, in a self-defence situation, insulting its attackers bowling ability usually does not minister to its circumstances positively; along with the common fact that Squilly D throws weak punches in karate-style self-defence tactics, along with possessing poor offensive and defensive form in general.
On occasion, it has been noted that Squilly D has been known to offer passionate rim-jobs as a peace offering, due to the exceptional amount of saliva produced while eating half a party-bucket of m n m’s. Once the recipient’s anus is aflame with vibrant blue and brown splotches produced by the colour additives in the m and m’s, the Squilly D usually performs a sensual “bass solo” in order to ensure the sacred bond between Squilly D and the recipient isn’t broken.
