Yngwie Malmsteen
Yngwie is a type of Swedish custard made from equal parts technical skill and utter lack of imagination. He once tried to become well known in pop music, but no one could say his name, so everyone pretended he didn't exist. However, the interbutts has made it easy to spell his name - relegating him to a certain obscurity. It is rumored that Yngwie's parents were a result of the Lebensborn project during WW2.
As a result of Malmsteen's journey into the obscure, he has revolted against earthlings by hoarding their cocaine, hookers and occasionally taking hostages with a sawed-off double barrel shotgun[1].
In the late 80s, on a flight to Japan, Yngwie got drunk and started ranting about how much he hated donuts and fags, when a woman suffered a hissy fit and decided to pour ice water on Yngwie (who had fallen asleep). Yngwie awoke and flew into a rage where he roared at the bitch "You unleashed the fucking fury! YOU UNLEASHED THE FUCKING FURY!!!"[2], at which point he removed a guitar from the luggage rack, played an arpeggio from hell and a giant flame engulfed the woman.
Swedish news report with the audio recording of Yngwie unleashing the fucking fury:
In 2006, Malmsteen died of a tragic cum overdose. His body was found violated, inside a dumpster in Stockholm. Recently his bastard son, Yngwie K. Malmsteen, has filled his father shoes, recording and producing albums under his father's name, and living up to the same win that his father had. What the fuck? Malmsteen isn't dead you stupid sack of shit. He just released an album last year. DO YOUR RESEARCH GODDAMMIT!! You mad? HAHAHA DISREGARD EVERYTHING SAID HERE, WE SUCK COCKS
Youtube Drama
Yngwie is known to throw hissy fits over the smallest things, and his recent drama with YouTube parodies of him shows it. He had one YouTuber by the name of St. Sanders banned for posting a video making fun of his shitty playing. Soon, the entire internets was outraged and the videos popped up everywhere. ED expects Yngwie to receive a large amount of butthurt for his recent faggotry.
Did you know?
Yngwie was arrested for holding his girlfriend hostage with a shotgun.
Yngwie also doesn't like donuts. Given how fat he is, this is surprising.
Due to the high level of fail in his albums during the 1990s, Yngwie has resorted to selling his Ferraris on Ebay. Most people suspect the greatest factor in his downfall is the rising price of Swedish meatballs combined with their addictive nature.
Due to insufficient funding, his most recent album was forced to use a cover made in MS Paint.
Yngwie can play over 16 notes a second, meaning he can suck hard AND fast.
Video
Yngwie takes the piss out of his home country of Sweden (but who the fuck wouldn't amirite?):
Then he shits on Jimi Hendrix, likely causing his interviewer to do a mental facepalm:
External Links
|
Yngwie Malmsteen is part of a series on Visit the Music Portal for complete coverage. |