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Mike Huckabee: Difference between revisions
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[[Image:Huckabee yoyo.jpg|thumb|right|Semen-only diet [[FTW]]!]] | [[Image:Huckabee yoyo.jpg|250px|thumb|right|Semen-only diet [[FTW]]!]] | ||
[[Image:Republichristian_Huckabee.PNG|thumb|right|Batshit | [[Image:Republichristian_Huckabee.PNG|250px|thumb|right|Batshit insane!]] | ||
Former [[fatty]] '''Mike Huckabee''' is a [[batshit insane]] [[Baptist]] | Former [[fatty]] '''Mike Huckabee''' is a [[batshit insane]] [[Baptist]] preacher, and former Governor of [[Arkansas]], who ran for the [[Republican]] nomination for President in 2008 and 2016. He is also working closely in cahoots with [[Chuck Norris]]. | ||
In a moment of pure genius, [[Fox News|FOX]] green-lit giving Mike his own ''[[Oprah]]''-like [[television]] show. The show features a town-hall segment where Mike gets the opinions of average [[Americans]] about how they want to play out the American fantasy and is comprised of [[niggers]] begging for [[slavery]] and [[fat]] people complaining about [[shit nobody cares about|food]]. | |||
== I’m a hunter. Not a fighter. == | == I’m a hunter. Not a fighter. == | ||
Huckabee has been seen in the media as a complete and total [[dumbass]]. Like most [[Attention whore|politicians]], he feels this is a good sign for him because it means that he is a [[pretty cool guy|viable candidate]]. Unlike most [[Attention whore|politicians]], he is seen as being [[Idiot|dumb as a bag of bricks]] causing [[fail]] and epic [[lulz]]. A late entrant to the [[Republican]] race, Huckabee only came in as a double [[fucktard]], having been pulled out of the hat to get votes by stealing selected policies from [[Ron Paul]] without stating his own real point: he [[hate]]s [[Catholics]] almost as much as [[Mormon]]s and the [[ZOG]] needed him for that reason. | Huckabee has been seen in the media as a complete and total [[dumbass]]. Like most [[Attention whore|politicians]], he feels this is a good sign for him because it means that he is a [[pretty cool guy|viable candidate]]. Unlike most [[Attention whore|politicians]], he is seen as being [[Idiot|dumb as a bag of bricks]] causing [[fail]] and epic [[lulz]]. A late entrant to the [[Republican]] race, Huckabee only came in as a double [[fucktard]], having been pulled out of the hat to get votes by stealing selected policies from [[Ron Paul]] without stating his own real point: he [[hate]]s [[Catholics]] almost as much as [[Mormon]]s and the [[ZOG]] needed him for that reason. | ||
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== Areas of expertise == | == Areas of expertise == | ||
=== The AIDS === | === The AIDS === | ||
[[Image:Huckabee-questionaire-3.jpg|thumb ]] | [[Image:Huckabee-questionaire-3.jpg|200px|thumb]] | ||
Huckabee has earned the support of many [[Nigra| | Huckabee has earned the support of many [[Nigra|African Americans]] by suggesting in the early 1990s that AIDS patients should be quarantined to keep it from spreading. This position got many public pools in Arkansas closed, angering the [[butthurt]]s at [[Habbo]]. | ||
In 1992 Huckabee filled out a [[TL;DR|229 questionnaire]] where he promptly made it into his own old media blog/manifesto by [[Pwnt|bitch slapping the shit]] out of Elizabeth Taylor and [[Madonna]] by saying they should [[GTFO|come up with the money themselves]] for The Gay Plague. He also recommended that anyone who even remotely looked like they might have a lesion be quarantined, causing Brooke Shields to hide her mole in terror. | In 1992 Huckabee filled out a [[TL;DR|229 questionnaire]] where he promptly made it into his own old media blog/manifesto by [[Pwnt|bitch slapping the shit]] out of Elizabeth Taylor and [[Madonna]] by saying they should [[GTFO|come up with the money themselves]] for The Gay Plague. He also recommended that anyone who even remotely looked like they might have a lesion be quarantined, causing Brooke Shields to hide her mole in terror. | ||
Unfortunately for him this was 1992, where everyone with a working brain stem and a copy of [[Old media|Time | Unfortunately for him this was 1992, where everyone with a working brain stem and a copy of ''[[Old media|Time]]'' knew that [[AIDS|The Gay Plague]] was not an airborne disease. [[Bullshit|This fine manuscript]] laid dormant for [[At least 100 years ago|at least hundred years]] until [[Basement-dweller|someone with unlimited time]] "[[Google|found]]" it in December of 2007 (i.e, right before the Iowa Caucus and primary voting began, what a coincidence): | ||
{{quote|Medical protocol typically says that if you have a disease for which there is no cure, and you are uncertain about the transmission of it, then the first thing you do is that you quarantine or isolate carriers.|Mike Huckabee – Stupid is as stupid does since 1985.}} | {{quote|Medical protocol typically says that if you have a disease for which there is no cure, and you are uncertain about the transmission of it, then the first thing you do is that you quarantine or isolate carriers.|Mike Huckabee – Stupid is as stupid does since 1985.}} | ||
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{{quote|If I were making those same comments today, I might make them a little differently.|Mike Huckabee. Forgetting to say that Madonna's music stunk in 1992.}} | {{quote|If I were making those same comments today, I might make them a little differently.|Mike Huckabee. Forgetting to say that Madonna's music stunk in 1992.}} | ||
While this strategy is surely great for fighting the ever inevitable [[zombie]] outbreak, the only way to fight | While this strategy is surely great for fighting the ever inevitable [[zombie]] outbreak, the only way to fight AIDS is to use a condom, or close your damn legs. | ||
===[[Necrophilia]]=== | ===[[Necrophilia]]=== | ||
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{{quote|It is now difficult to keep track of the vast array of '''publicly endorsed''' and '''institutionally supported''' aberrations—from homosexuality and pedophilia to sadomasochism and '''necrophilia'''.|[http://www.motherjones.com/washington_dispatch/2007/12/huckabee-homosexuality-environmentalism-book.html The Huckster]}} | {{quote|It is now difficult to keep track of the vast array of '''publicly endorsed''' and '''institutionally supported''' aberrations—from homosexuality and pedophilia to sadomasochism and '''necrophilia'''.|[http://www.motherjones.com/washington_dispatch/2007/12/huckabee-homosexuality-environmentalism-book.html The Huckster]}} | ||
=== [[Terrorist|Foreigners]] === | === [[Terrorist|Foreigners]] === | ||
'''December:''' When questioned about an [[Oxymoron|intelligence report]] in [[Iran]] that was all over the news, blogs, and tattooed on the ass of [[Condoleezza Rice|Condi Rice]] for the world to see, Mike Huckabee seems to have missed it. | '''December:''' When questioned about an [[Oxymoron|intelligence report]] in [[Iran]] that was all over the news, blogs, and tattooed on the ass of [[Condoleezza Rice|Condi Rice]] for the world to see, Mike Huckabee seems to have missed it. | ||
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=== More like Latter-Day ain't really Christians, amirite? === | === More like Latter-Day ain't really Christians, amirite? === | ||
[[Image:Gay Jesus and Satan.jpg|thumb|Huckabee on Mormons | [[Image:Gay Jesus and Satan.jpg|200px|thumb|Huckabee on Mormons]] | ||
'''I know nothing about no other [http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2007/12/12/politics/main3612914.shtml religion]''' | '''I know nothing about no other [http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2007/12/12/politics/main3612914.shtml religion]''' | ||
'''December 12 2007''' Huckabee, a Baptist Minister, who has close and personal relationship with [[Allah|god]], asked [[CNN]] if Mormons believe [[Al Gore|Jesus]] and the [[George Bush|devil]] are brothers [[Stupid|because he had no idea]] and was afraid to ask his staff, as they were still busy researching exactly where Iran fell on the Map. He thought it would never be quoted, but CNN has finally figured out a good lulz when they see one. (NOTE: YES MORMONS BELIEVE THIS) | '''December 12 2007''' Huckabee, a Baptist Minister, who has close and personal relationship with [[Allah|god]], asked [[CNN]] if Mormons believe [[Al Gore|Jesus]] and the [[George Bush|devil]] are brothers [[Stupid|because he had no idea]] and was afraid to ask his staff, as they were still busy researching exactly where Iran fell on the Map. He thought it would never be quoted, but CNN has finally figured out a good lulz when they see one. (NOTE: YES MORMONS BELIEVE THIS<sup>[http://www.utlm.org/onlineresources/ldsteachingonlucifer.htm]</sup>) | ||
{{quote|attacking someone's religion is really going too far.|Huckabee. Pwn’d going too far.}} | {{quote|attacking someone's religion is really going too far.|Huckabee. Pwn’d going too far.}} | ||
=== The Constitution === | === The Constitution === | ||
[http:// | [http://archive.fo/tCrh '''January 15, 2008''' ] [[God]] is talking to Huck again on the campaign trail. This time as a co-editor for the Constitution: | ||
{{quote|(Some of my opponents) do not want to change the Constitution, but I believe it's a lot easier to change the constitution than it would be to change the word of the living God, and that's what we need to do is to amend the Constitution so it's in God's standards rather than try to change God's standards,.|Huckabee. Fuck, he's nuts!}} | {{quote|(Some of my opponents) do not want to change the Constitution, but I believe it's a lot easier to change the constitution than it would be to change the word of the living God, and that's what we need to do is to amend the Constitution so it's in God's standards rather than try to change God's standards,.|Huckabee. Fuck, he's nuts!}} | ||
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== The Huckster == | == The Huckster == | ||
=== Huckabee as [[Anonymous|Lulz Killer]] === | === Huckabee as [[Anonymous|Lulz Killer]] === | ||
As if anyone would even know who the fuck Bob Newhart is, Huckabee has taken to doing wacky [[unfunny|comedy bits]] on his [[cell phone]], causing unlulzy fail. | |||
As clearly evidenced by the fact that there is no ED article for fucking [http://www.bobnewhart.com/ Bob Newhart]. | As clearly evidenced by the fact that there is no ED article for fucking [http://www.bobnewhart.com/ Bob Newhart]. | ||
<center>[ | <center> | ||
{{Frame| | |||
{{fv|KasichVids|background-color: #FFFFFF;|font-weight: bold; | |||
|<youtube>EgQkzTcQ448</youtube><center>'''Wrong number? Or sticking it to [[Rudy Ghouliani|Rudy's]] wife?'''</center> | |||
|<youtube>j9bnS-HjUU4</youtube><center>'''Clearly, he is a user of <s>non-traditional</s> fucking fail food processing.'''</center> | |||
|<youtube>2yj_okz7ZwI</youtube><center>'''A phone call from [[God]]!'''</center> | |||
|border=#FFFFFF|background=#FFFFFF}} | |||
}} | |||
</center> | |||
== Mike Huckabee presidential campaign, 2008 == | == Mike Huckabee presidential campaign, 2008 == | ||
=== Endorsements === | === Endorsements === | ||
He got the call from [[Chuck Norris]], thereby classifying his entire candidacy as [[old meme]]. Fortunately, Huckabee's [[The Colbert Report|fart jokes]] appeal to a segment of the population broadly overlapping with Chuck Norris Fact enthusiasts. This is ironic, considering that while Huckabee has the guy who stared in "Missing in Action," [[John McCain]] actually WAS fucking missing in action. | He got the call from [[Chuck Norris]], thereby classifying his entire candidacy as [[old meme]]. Fortunately, Huckabee's [[The Colbert Report|fart jokes]] appeal to a segment of the population broadly overlapping with Chuck Norris Fact enthusiasts. This is ironic, considering that while Huckabee has the guy who stared in "Missing in Action," [[John McCain]] actually WAS fucking missing in action. | ||
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===The New Hampshire primary=== | ===The New Hampshire primary=== | ||
Mike asked Rudy Giuliani if he voted for him. | Mike asked Rudy Giuliani if he voted for him. | ||
He was stunned to find out that the former New York mayor was not a registered voter in New Hampshire. | He was stunned to find out that the former New York mayor was not a registered voter in New Hampshire. | ||
===The rest=== | |||
Mike Huckabee was the last major GOP primary candidate to drop out. Huckabee won a small handful of states, but nothing too important. After Mitt Romney exited, Huckabee insisted he could win in a head-to-head against John McCain, but got slaughtered by double digits (51.22% to 38.02%) in his last stand state of Texas (which also gave McCain enough delegates to guarantee his nomination), and promptly dropped out after that. | |||
== Mike Huckabee presidential campaign, [[2016]]== | |||
He lost. ''Badly''. | |||
== Mike Huckabee trivia == | == Mike Huckabee trivia == | ||
[[Image:Huckabee nine.jpg|200px|thumb|Has nine fingers - ''told to him by his staff''.]] | |||
=== Things that make Huckabee Cry === | === Things that make Huckabee Cry === | ||
* [[AIDS]] | * [[AIDS]] | ||
* [[ | * [[Nigger|Black people]] (YES THAT MEANS YOU MJ!) | ||
* [[Fred Thompson]] | * [[Fred Thompson]] | ||
* [[Fags|Gays]] | * [[Fags|Gays]] | ||
* [[Cycle of Blame|His | * [[Marriage is love|Gay marriage]] | ||
* [[ | * [[Cycle of Blame|His staff]] | ||
* [[Spics|Illegals]] | |||
* [[Mexico|Moar illegals]] | |||
* [[Mormons]] (the underwear they wear is [[Stupid|gay]].) | |||
* A nekkid [[Hillary Clinton]] | * A nekkid [[Hillary Clinton]] | ||
* A nekkid [[Ron Paul]] | * A nekkid [[Ron Paul]] | ||
* | * [[You]] | ||
=== What to do if you meet Mike === | === What to do if you meet Mike === | ||
*Ask him if he has ever spoken in tongues | *Ask him if he has ever spoken in tongues. | ||
*Tell him he's a commie. | *Tell him he's a commie. | ||
*Ask him if he lost weight on Ayds. | *Ask him if he lost weight on Ayds. | ||
*Break out in an impromptu [[Homosexuality|YMCA]] | *Break out in an impromptu [[Homosexuality|YMCA]]. | ||
*Tell him you loved him in [http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0109190/ Baby's Day' | *Tell him you loved him in [http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0109190/ ''Baby's Day Out'']. | ||
*Steal | *Steal his [[iPhone]]. | ||
*Tell him you "made him" and battle [[Stephen Colbert]] | *Tell him you "made him" and battle [[Stephen Colbert]]. | ||
== Mike Huckabee | ==Gallery== | ||
{{Collapsegallery|Gallery|cg1|center|<gallery> | |||
Image:Chucknorris.jpg|Mike Huckabee or a round house kick in your nuts! | |||
Image:Huckfamily_ew.jpg|Fucking hilarious. | |||
Image:Huckabee08 Batshit Insane.gif|Rejected campaign bumper sticker. | |||
Image:Huckabee Rambo.jpg|Kicking ass in Iraq. Once he finds it on the map. | |||
</gallery>|<gallery> | |||
Image:Wha mah-Fingas Huckabee.jpg|Fingering Christian soldiers. | |||
</gallery>|border=black|color=white}} | |||
==See also== | ==See also== | ||
*[[2016 Presidential Election|2016 presidential election]] | *[[2016 Presidential Election|2016 presidential election]] | ||
*[[Chuck Norris]] | *[[Chuck Norris]] | ||
*[[The Donald|Donald Trump]] | *[[The Donald|Donald Trump]] | ||
*[[Herman Cain]] | |||
*[[Jeb Bush]] | |||
*[[John Kasich]] | *[[John Kasich]] | ||
*[[John McCain]] | |||
*[[Marco Rubio]] | *[[Marco Rubio]] | ||
*[[Mitt Romney]] | |||
*[[Ron_Paul#Rand_Paul|Rand Paul]] | *[[Ron_Paul#Rand_Paul|Rand Paul]] | ||
*[[Rick Santorum]] – Another Iowa Caucus winner who sputtered out and went nowhere. | *[[Rick Santorum]] – Another Iowa Caucus winner who sputtered out and went nowhere. | ||
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{{Trump}} | {{Trump}} | ||
{{timeline|Featured article February 26 & 27, [[2017]]|[[Jovana Rikalo]]|{{PAGENAME}}| | {{timeline|Featured article February 26 & 27, [[2017]]|[[Jovana Rikalo]]|{{PAGENAME}}|[[Kesha]]}} | ||
[[Category:People|Huckabee, Mike]] | [[Category:People|Huckabee, Mike]] | ||
