imported>Mantequilla |
imported>Gothkitsu |
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| {{an hero}}<br>
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| [[Image:Crimescene.png|thumb|right|350px|KILLZONE: KLEVELAND]]
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| '''Asa H. Coon''' was a 14-year-old [[goth]] and [[high school|hi-skool]] loser from [[Cleveland]], [[Ohio]]. A student at the ironically-named '''SuccessTech Academy''', the ironically-named Coon became [[an hero]] for the ages on October 10, 2007 by going on one of the most [[Londonistan|miserablely]] [[epic]] [[fail]] [[school shooting]]s in academic history.
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| == "How i do shot scoolz?" ==
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| [[Image:The Sandwich Chef asa.jpg|right|thumb|It is.]]
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| [[Image:Asa-coon-trophy.jpg|right|thumb|I have known winrars and you, sir, are no winrar.]]
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| [[Image:Asa.jpg|right|thumb| Only good coon is a dead coon.]]
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| Using his all-black [[wigger|ninja]] wardrobe and [[Nintendo]]-honed [[1337|splinter cell skillz]], Coon successfully evaded the metal detectors and school security guards and infiltrated the campus while armed with a pair of straps. The Marilyn Manson-worshiping teen avenger then walked up to the classroom floor, charged his [[Lazer|mighty layzars of pure hate]], and began his final one-Coon crusade against the bullies, jocks, affiliates, teachers, bitches, niggers, spics, kikes and other retards that you would expect at a high school named SuccessTech Academy.
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| His first target of opportunity came up quickly. On his way to the kill box, Coon happened to bump into fellow student and American Bully Association member Michael Peek, who proceeded to punch him right in his faggot face. Not hard enough, alas; after shedding a few manly tears, Coon drew on his tormentor and [[Fail|shot Peek in the side]]. "What kind of homo shoots someone in the ''side''?" gasped an annoyed Peek, as Coon proceeded to the next level.
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| Screams of terror greeted the goffik gunman as he appeared amid the students and teachers. With guns blazing, Coon then attempted to settle the tab with [[gay|every em-effer in the school who had ever laughed at his eyeliner, scoffed at his trenchcoat, or disparaged his state of self-imposed loserdom]]. Fortunately for his fellow students, the hapless shock-rock fan was every bit as much of a failure at shooting people as he was at everything else in his mistake of a life — ''[[EPIC FAIL|he didn't manage to kill a single person'']].
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| After [[Fail|hitting, but not killing four people]] with his badly-aimed gunfire, the batshit-crazy gothfag finally decided to put himself out of our misery. With a mighty sigh, Coon then [[Suicide|killed himself]], thereby saving the [[Cleveland]] school district the cost of three years of free welfare lunch. "[[Sparta|''Thpartaaaa'']]!" he whispered, as the fatal blow hit home.
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| And so ends the legend of Asa Coon — teen, goth, and would-be mass murderer. We all wish him well in the afterlife — but let's face it, he'll probably fuck that up too.
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| [[Truth|What a fucking waste of human life]].
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| == Victims ==
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| There were four shooting victims who were barely even injured:
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| *'''Michael Peek''', 15, shot in the left side. ''"Ow!"''
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| *'''Darnell Rodgers''', 17, wounded in the elbow. ''"Cut it '''out''', Asa!"''
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| *'''Michael Grassie''', 42, shot in the chest. ''"That's going on your permanent record, Mr. Coon!"''
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| *'''David Kachadourian''', 57, shot in the back. ''[[Law 4 Kids|"You are both suspended!"]]''
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| Teachers Kachadourian and Grassie, as well as 15-year-old Peek, remained hospitalized in stable condition as of Thursday morning. Additionally, a [[16 year old girl|15-year-old girl]] sustained a knee injury while fleeing (LOL).
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| '''''[[PROTIP]]:''''' Respawning with something other than dual .22 [[revolver]]s will likely lead to more kills in the next round.
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| == Root Causes ==
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| [[Image:Coon.jpg|thumb|Asa Coon, in happier times]][[Image:CoonFuck.jpg|thumb|right|A dedicated animal lover]]
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| Most school psychologists agree on the root causes of this young man's recent bad choices:
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| # He was a [[white]] kid in a nearly all-black person school.
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| # He was a [[fag|Goth and a Furry]] in a [[school]] where those choices, like everywhere else, are severely frowned upon.
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| # His last name was Coon. (Really!)
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| # His mother's last name is Loony. (Really!)
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| # His school has the most fucked up name of any school in the civilized world. (Thank you, [[Microsoft|Bill and Melinda Gates]]!)
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| # He liked to [[bestiality|fuck other people's pets]].
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| You have to wonder if, occasionally, some of the other students gave him a tough time about his name and all that other shit. (Just think if he ever used his mother's name in the currently fashionable <s>Jar Jar Binks</s> hyphenated style: Asa Looney-Coon.) Given the totality of all those fucked up names, you have to wonder if this whole thing isn't some cleverly promoted urban legend.
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| Actually, [[Scientologists]] agree that Mr. Coon was to some extent "bullied" by his [[Nigra|non-Caucasian]] classmates. What they call "bullying" is called by the children "Daily kickin' the shit outta that little chubby-assed white faggot who tried to stick his dick in Rodrigo's pit bull."
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| {{quote|He was chubby and short, and he was the only kid in school who dressed like a Goth. When he’d get teased, he’d say, ‘I’m gonna come get you.’ We thought he was playing.|LaToya Sparks, 15, Nigger, Sophomore, SuccessTech Academy}}
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| [http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/10/10/cleveland.shooting/index.html#cnnSTCVideo CNN has video] of 2 black person and a few black person getting interviewed. They also claim to have video of Asa trying to mate with Anderson Cooper's dog Molly, but everybody over there denies it. Also denied are rumours that Molly's newborn puppies have masked faces and striped tails.
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| [[Image:Asacoonkilla.jpg|thumb|right|A black persones photograph of the school shooting]]
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| [[Image:Coondaddy.jpg|thumb|right|After the [[lie|school tragedy]], home movies surfaced of Asa Coon's troubled family relationships]]
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| [[Image:Third leg.jpg|thumb|right|The Coon family]]
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| == Reaction ==
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| [[Bill Gates]], founder of FailTech, was too busy shooting heroin in his dick and banging [[loli|underage]] Malaysian hookers to comment publicly, but did issue this statement:
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| {{quote|[[Lies|We are all very saddened]] to hear the news today of the shooting at [[LOL WUT|SuccessTech Academy]]. This is a tragedy that underscores for all of us how precious each young person's life is. We have reached out to education leaders in Cleveland to express our condolences and support during this difficult time. This tragedy causes us to look inward which reminds us all of the complexity of our work and only deepens our commitment to the goals we set out for [[Microsoft|Windows Vista]].|Judas W. Antichrist, spokesman for the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation}}
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| Gates promised to sponsor inner city education programs to improve marksmanship awareness when he returns from his charity tour of Asia.
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| == How Asa Failed ==
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| [[Image:Coon and Manson BFF.png|thumb|240px|right|Proclaiming that he worshiped Marilyn Manson, he asked his classmates [[God|"Where is your god now?"]]]]
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| [[Image:ASACoon.jpg|thumb|[http://members.aol.com/picknell/coonpix.html DIED ALONE]]]
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| * [[Epic Fail|He didn't kill a single person!]]
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| * Didn't aim for the [[Headshot|head]]
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| * Only shot victims once
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| * [[Dynamic Entry|Set off the alarms]]
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| * [[Fag|Painted his nails black]]
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| * Didn't send video to [[Faux News]]
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| * Failed to bring honor back to disturbed white boys who shoot up schools; as of this moment, an [[Cho|AZN]] is still the number one school shooter
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| * [[Dying alone|Died a virgin]]
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| * Was a [[Goth]]
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| * Didn't [[do it for the lulz]]
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| * Didn't have a MySpace page; what self-respecting goth doesn't have a MySpace page?
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| * Didn't [[Mitch Henderson|lose his iPod]]
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| * Didn't [[Budd Dwyer|arrange a press conference]]
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| * Didn't [[rape]] corpses
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| * Didn't single out black person or other minorities as targets
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| * Wore a pistol belt
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| * Used .22 pistols (what, no dualies available?), everything not starting with a [[.45]] is fail, amirite?
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| * Did not have ops on [[#ed]] IRC
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| * Wore a [[The Matrix|trenchcoat]]
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| * Will never see [[Shit|that upcoming sitcom based on Geico's lovable "caveman" characters]]
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| * Didn't do shootings on [[An hero day|4/20]]
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| * SuccessTech is ''across the street'' from the Cleveland [[FBI]] office as well as Channel 3 News, [[Wrong Location Nigger|yet he did his shooting in the school]].
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| * Despite having plenty of ammo and despite waiting for the cops to get there, he did not engage in a fire fight with the cops; instead he [[an hero|shot himself in the head]] like the cowardly cunt he was
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| == BLAMBLAM AND I'M LIKE OHSNAP! ==
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| [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IXG0amUJIFg Black Kid on CNN Talking About School Shooting]<br>
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| <youtube>N-4LtvuzyW0</youtube>
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| {{quote|Wanna know why the kid lost his girlfriend? Look at his picture. Who would want to date that creepy fuck? Kid was a loser and should've just hung himself rather than taking out others.|[http://www.youtube.com/user/ahanix1988 ahanix1988], commenting on the second video}}
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| {{quote|Rest In Peace Hawkins, you are a true hero and inspiration how to end life with a blast! Im looking forward to the next shooting!|[http://www.youtube.com/user/BangBangReload BangBangReload], presenting a dissenting opinion}}
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| == Fake MySpace ==
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| Some [[virgin]] decided to make a <s>[http://www.myspace.com/asacoon1 fake MySpace]</s> (BALEETED) and message everyone from his school, including his sister, with hateful messages. [[butthurt|What a jerk!]]
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| == Life Lessons ==
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| * Nigras are bullet resistant.
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| * Furries can't aim.
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| * 1 [[Cho Seung-Hui|AZN]] > 3 Manson fans' murder/lulz potential.
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| * I guess he showed us. [[Truth|He really showed us all.]]
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| * Women need to swallow.
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| == Gallery of Fail ==
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| <gallery>
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| Image:Asa-coon-trophy2.jpg|Asa Coon, [[You Win the Prize|winning a prize]]
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| Image:Asa coon lol.jpg|From the original fake MySpace
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| Image:Coon.JPG|Dude hes liek totally the Matrix
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| Image:CoonHide.jpg|Asa Coon at the little-used Cleveland White People's Funeral Home, October 2007
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| Image:Howdoishotpplasacoon.jpg|Little late to ask
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| Image:Asa-Coon-School-Shootings-F.jpg|[[Disorder|Fat kid complex]]
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| Image:deadcoonwalking.png|Dead Coon Walking
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| </gallery>
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| == See Also ==
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| * [[School Shooting]]
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| * [[Failure]]
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| * [[Gothic]]
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| * [[Bill Gates]]
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| * [[Fucktard]]
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| == External Links==
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| * [http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/10/10/cleveland.shooting/index.html#cnnSTCVideo| Nigger explains how shit went down]
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| {{Education}}
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| {{Dying Alone}}
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| {{anheroes}}
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| {{Timeline|Featured article October 12, [[2007]]|[[ZEN]]|[[{{PAGENAME}}]]|[[Onideus Mad Hatter]]}}
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| [[Category:People|Coon, Asa]]
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| [[Category:Abnormal Psych]]
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| [[Category:2007]]
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