Apophis
Apophis is a giant lulz-killing asteroid which will pass close to Earth on April 13th, 2029. NASA have estimated its chances of a pan-lethal collision with the planet at about 70%. That means that you are set to die.
Ever heard the phrase "Schoolboy Mistake?". Yep that's right. That fucking schoolboy in the picture on the right caused this, asshole. Fuck you. You killed us all, you little motherfucker. God damn you.
We have some really lousy news for you.
Oh Shit
Cut to Germany, holy land of excellent beer, even more excellent sausages and the pwning of Jews, $cientology and Lowtax. 13-year-old boy Nico Marquardt (no really, he actually is 13 years old) examined telescopic findings at the University of Potsdam and discovered a worrying discrepancy.
Earth satellites - of which there are about forty thousand - whiz around the planet at a height up to thirty six thousand kilometers. Apophis will pass by the Earth at a height of thirty two and a half thousand kilometers. This gives it about a 70% chance of smacking into one of them.
In the event this happens, it will circle back and propel a two hundred billion tonne ball of steel into the Atlantic, instantly blotting out the sun with dust clouds before propelling killer tsunamis in every direction.
NASA examined his figures, and issued the following statement:
In Jewnited States of Americunts, we set fire to peanuts for a science fair project. In Germany, they prove Armageddon. We at NASA have advice for all you concerned citizens. Now is the perfect time to panic: This is the end, dumbass.
LOL, DISREGARD THAT
Two days later, N.A.S.A. issued a press conference saying that they never said any of that stuff, that there was no asteroid, just a goa'uld mothership that Stargate SG-1 managed to defeat and GO BACK TO SLEEP AMERICA, EVERYTHING IS FINE.
On April 16, 2008, NASA News Release 08-103 reaffirmed that its estimation of a 70% chance of impact in 2036 remains VALID. Final conclusion: HOLY FUCK WE ARE ALL GOING TO FUCKING DIE. And nothing of value was lost.
On June 19, 2014, NASA announced that the asteroid qualified for American citizen ship by becoming eating 40 big macs every single day. This sudden weight gain for Apophis increased the chances of it hitting the Earth.
Legacy
Apophis is known for being the cause of your death. You will not survive this because you are not a rich kike. The Jews will be sitting on the ISS and eating popcorn while watching Earth die for the lulz. Sorry bitch.
See also
