Ashlee Simpson
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Hemafrodite alert: Ashlee Simpson has a penis, vagina and a man's voice. |
Ashlee Simpson is the younger, less talented sister of Jessica Simpson (wrap your brain around that one). She's usually distinguished as Jessica Simpson's little sister or "that one bitch that nobody could give two shits less about because she doesn't have tits as big as her sister's." She is also uglier than her sister, and required a nose job because she didn't want people to mistake her for a Jew. Her one album, entitled "Autobiography," consists entirely of angsty whining, and seems to focus entirely on how she was always ignored by her parents in favor of their prettier, big-breasted daughter. Notable examples of her bitching and moaning include such songs as "Shadow", "Love Me For Me", "Nothing New" and "Undiscovered". When once asked to describe her new album, she said it was a mixture of punk and pop. Oh, punk my ass!
Note: Ashlee has huge fucking tits, not as big as her sister's, but they'll do in a pinch. Or a squeeze. Or a grope.
Though her real voice cannot be tolerated by human ears, Ashlee (whose name is, incidentally, spelt wrong; don't tell her that, though, as it would break her acid-refluxed little heart) is still adored by sixteen year-old girls, who don't seem to realize that most of her music is digitalized and remixed to prevent peoples' ears from bleeding, yet it fails to do so. These same fans will often attempt to justify their love for Ashlee by claiming she wrote all the lyrics to her songs, unlike most pop singers who hire song writers. Such pathetic attempts at validating the younger Simpson's musical talent do little to bolster her reputation, however, as most intelligent people recognize a no-talent hack when they see one.
Well, we can only hope.
Perhaps the only person more pathetic than Ashlee Simpson is Kate Hudson, who changed her name to Kate Perry for some reason. Perry became famous after trying to hax into Ashlee's Failbook and steal pics of Pete Wentz's fauxhawk. It turned out Ashlee's Facebook was actually run by Franz Woyzeck from web-marketing and Simpson does not even know what Facebook is, preferring MySpace. Mr. Woyzeck had used a more sophisticated password than "ilykmakeup" so Perry was denied. Ms. Perry was butthurt so she wrote a song about Wentz called Ur Such A Faggot. This immediately made her popular with my bff jill, Simpson's core audience.
The Saturday Night Live Fiasco
On October 23, 2004, Ashlee Simpson was scheduled to perform two songs on Saturday Night Live. The first, "Pieces Of Me", went off without a hitch. It was only at the beginning of the second set, when she was supposed to sing the album's namesake song, "Autobiography", that things when horribly awry. Apparently, she had lip-synced the first song, but the person who was responsible for switching out the CDs between sets apparently failed to do so, most likely on purpose. Thus, Ashlee's opening lines failed to coincide with the opening lines of the piped-in music, and everything went to Hell.
Panicked and embarrassed, Ashlee went into a "hoe-down" — a stunt typically pulled by vaudeville actors when their skits failed to generate laughter or applause. After a minute of that, Ashlee rushed off stage and to her dressing room, clenching her throat and fighting back tears.
The next day, she attempted to blame the whole thing on Gastro-Esophageal Reflux Disease. No, really. Then she said it was her drummer's fault. It was much simpler than that: lack of talent.
Still, it was funnier than anything Horatio Sanz had ever done in the entire span of his career.
Although she has since attempted on a few occasions to re-establish herself as a pop singer, only the most gullible and stupid of her fans — i.e., almost every teenage emo-wannabe on Earth — remain true. Her career is, for all intents and purposes, dead. It is doubtful she will ever live down the incident, and we hope to one day see an end to this yuppie cuntery in the event of her becoming an hero.
The Charlotte Church Show incident
Ashlee Simpson was invited onto a chat show in the United Kingdom hosted by Charlotte Church. The pair chatted about the tension between them. They then began to discourse sexual innuendo. The producer decided to break for adverts.
Church whipped out her 10-inch dick, provoking Simpson to wrap her lips around Church's penis. The incident was later mentioned on the show and then recreated for the whole of the UK to witness.
The Orange Bowl
Ashlee Simpson performed at the Orange Bowl at least 100 years ago last Thursday. After performing her song she was booed off stage by thousands of football fans. It's almost as if Ashlee thought a football stadium would be filled with 16-year-old girl, the only people in existence who enjoy her music.
Songs and Albums
This is really very interesting stuff considering she sounds completely different on stage than she does in her album. There have been claims against Ashlee that in the making of the albums, they make her voice sound better since she apparently had Gastro-Esophageal Reflux Disease that couldn't let her sing, but she denies that. This leaves many of her fans wondering why she sounds decent on her albums, but then sounds like a batshit insane whore on stage.
Her next single "Little Miss Obsessive" is supposedly about Pete Wentz's ex-girlfriend Jeanae White because Ashlee thinks she is clever for doing such a thing even though Pete has already covered it on his third album. She must also feel the need to mess around with things that have already been taken care of in the past and should just be left alone now.
Love life and other Sexual Habits
In early July, 2007, Ashlee admitted to 'fucking Pete Wentz'. She claimed that she loved it up the ass and also showed how she wrapped her long tongue around his dick by using a pencil to maximize the lulz even though as those pictures of his cock show, its more like a tree trunk then a pencil.
Those were found to be rumors as it turns out Pete Wentz is actually with and getting fucked by Patrick Stump (but they think that term is harsh, so from here on out call it "love-making"). Ashlee, being the special girl she is, was completely upset and saddened and then paid Pete to lie about being her boyfriend just to make herself look good.
Recently, she has been making claims that her and Pete Wentz are getting married. Again, these have turned out to be rumors as Pete Wentz, Patrick Stump, and her family have had to sit down and have a lengthy discussion about how Patrick is fucking making love to Pete, and how Ashlee occasionally gets touched by Jessica. It took them five hours to get this into her special mind. However, the claims have circulated even more and now everyone thinks that there is going to be a wedding. Ashlee's family had to tie her up and lock her in the basement until these claims have died down. She's still waiting to get out.
Pregnant?
This just in that Ashlee Simpson is pregnant. Many have speculated that she is pregnant because she is with Pete (clearly he is not the father). Others say that she is a dirty whore that needs to learn what birth control is and how to use condoms. Even though these people are smarter and do have a couple facts right, this is not the case either. As it turns out, the father is the only person who would ever actually touch her.
Apparently Jessica has much more interesting appendages aside from her very large breasts.
Because of this, many people have considered and attempted cornering her in a parking lot and kicking her in the stomach to prevent such an unholy and dirty child from being brought onto the world. Unfortunately for all of us, she and her reluctant parents are on patrol around the clock to make sure this doesn't happen.
Luckily for us, a solution for the child will present itself shortly after the birth.
ZOMG, SHE HAD THE BABY?!!!!!1one
On November 20th, Ashlee had the baby! Unshockingly enough, no one really cared. The internet came up with reports about it just so it would make the special girl happy that maybe someone cared... well, Jessica did, since she is the father of the poor little kid.
Ashlee attempted to sell the exclusive rights to the baby photos, but this ended in failure because none of the tabloids wanted anything to do with it, citing that "When she's on the cover, our sales go down. Way down."
To further enhance the attention whorishness of the baby, she named it Bronx Mowgli Wentz. Yes, BMW, as in the fucking car.
Stalker
Ashlee Simpson currently has a restraining order against a stalker fan Everyking.
External links
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Ashlee Simpson is part of a series on Visit the Music Portal for complete coverage. |
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Ashlee Simpson is part of a series on Visit the Whores Portal for complete coverage. |