BioShock Infinite
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BREAKING NEWS!! The creator Ken Levine hates when people create porn images of Elizabeth and he has decided to fire his entire staff and take all the money for himself as he's shutting down Irrational Games |
Bioshock Infinite is the third, as well as the most overrated, installment of the BioShock series. As its predecessors it's an on-rails shooter that tries to be System Shock 2 as it incorporates cities located in inconvenient locations (i.e. space, underwater, and the sky), everyone in said city trying to kill you over some rebellion, and superpowers. But where the first two Bioshock games only featured little-to-no escort and a quick plot twist, BioShock Infinite is needlessly just one big escort mission and contains the most pretentious plot in any video game ever. This video game has been praised left and right from critics when in reality, it's one of the most uninspired shooters ever made. Call of Duty, despite the pile of shit it is, actually had a much better paced story than Bioshock Infinite ever had.
Plot
The game takes place in 1912 as you play as a broke alcoholic named Booker hired to get a girl (Elizabeth) from an old guy (Comstock) in a floating city, and sell her to buy more cheap whiskey. Booker soon finds Elizabeth only to realize that she has time-control powers that both sides of a civil war want. A ten-hour long escort mission later, Booker kills Comstock and some other shit happens but it is all literally pointless because the game does a complete retcon killing you before the game starts. It turns out Comstock is just Booker from another timeline, and Elizabeth says that killing him was pointless as there's a million other Comstocks in other timelines. And even though she just stated that killing one person wouldn't change anything, she kills Booker, which for some reason also kills her in all timelines. And then the game does a complete retcon of that by showing Booker alive in a post-credit scene.
Many gamers have tried to make sense the game's ending and other shit. While most people see the game for what it is, riddled with plot holes, it has not stopped some people from wasting their time by releasing videos, articles and even diagrams trying to explain this mess. Though, to be honest, when it comes to the videos it's mostly pretentious assholes trying to rake-in on dem YouTube moniez.
Characters
- Booker DeWitt: The protagonist. Arguably the angstyest little bitch in video game history as he can't go one hour without having a flashback. These flashbacks mostly caused by his enormous drinking and gambling, to which he inexplicably resorted after his admirable and proud career of killing Indians and cracking communist skulls.
- Elizabeth: The girl Booker's hired to get. The developers try way too hard to make the player care about her as they make her a time lord, Booker's daughter, and Columbia's heir; but in the end, she's just walking cleavage designed to get virgin gamers to buy the game. This was a huge success despite her actually looking like a bridge dwelling troll from folk novels, but no one looks at her face.
- Zachary Hale Comstock: An old guy that built Columbia to escape the nigger and spic hordes below. Respectable effort in itself, but since time-travel gave him erectile dysfunction, he decided to kill his wife and buy Elizabeth from Booker. One of the fifty million plot twists of this game is that Comstock is Booker.
- Robert and Rosalind Lutece: Without a doubt, the least memorable characters in the game despite them never shutting the fuck up. Two Autistic autophiliacs who are supposedly just alternate versions of each other. They took masturbation one step further and found out what it would be like to plow yourself. Contributing not only to alternate reality science, but to the science of guzzling your own alternative version's cum.
- Songbird: Elizabeth's guardian. A robot pigeon with a creepy pseudo-romance with Elizabeth. Elizabeth drowns him.
Gameplay
Nothing like a good old sip of piss mixed with vodka to give you special powers to summon some whore ghost to cause people to shoot themselves, or to have the ability to burn the flesh right off your masturbation hand. BioShock Infinite has re-defined the meta in gameplay with these game-breaking new abilities that look exactly like that of any other shit game that came out a few years before. More about the gameplay includes shooting the founding fathers right in the face, and an awful half-assed plotline that makes references to Christianity and patriotism. They tried pulling a Sonic 06, which was arguably one of the worst video games of all time, but failed even against that dingle berry of a game. If you want textures that look like its a photo of the inside of a public toilet, and the subtlety of leading some bitch hoe around for the entire game, then this kind of gameplay is straight up your alley. It should also be noted that the cunt is unkillable, and therefore serves as nothing more than an immortal dispenser with a vagina.
The game itself is a very stripped back version of its predecessors, less plasmids/vigors, less guns, shitty meaningless upgrades and boring-as-fuck combat. It can only be enjoyed being played on easy - otherwise killing the big guys becomes tedious, not because of improved AI, but because of increased HP; unsurprisingly though, when put on easy, the rest of the enemies become insultingly simple, just like Elizabeth. Also, that fight with Lady Comstock's ghost (Probably also Elizabeth) three times was easily the best part that shits all over Casual Souls.
They removed the manual save option from the previous games due to players abusing its use before a boss fight when in reality they were just assholish fucks that jack off to people not being able to close the game at their own convenience. To further prove what evil bastards they are, they made it confusing as fuck and practically impossible to tweak the game's Configuration files or install a mod that at the very least lets you get your own fucking saves back.
Graphics
The game uses cartoony graphics, and shitloads of bloom and HDR, to mask that it actually looks like shit. With those shitty graphics it actually looks like Tales of Monkey Island. Elizabeth also has a head the size of her upper body, while looking like an 8 year old girl. She is supposed to look 17. And to appeal to the ronery anime Basement-dweller crowd, her eyes are twice bigger than any other character's.
Burial At Sea
This is the title of the next major DLC and unfortunately not what happens to this shit franchise. It will feature one new plasmid and some new weapons. And the first hour will be spend without any actual gameplay. Yes, you will play the exciting game of walking around and looking at shit. In a game that only actually lasts one and a half hour.
—Eurogamer - while still slobbing over this pukefest, http://www.eurogamer.net/articles/2013-10-04-assessing-raptures-return-in-burial-at-sea | ||
But doubtlessly all Bioshit fantards will defend this.
OH SO EDGY
Episode 1
Thanks to the multiverse bullshit introduced in Infinite, we are now in an alternate reality where we gets to play as the two poorly developed characters from that pile and raping the fluff to oblivion. Booker and Elizabeth go to find their lost pedobait, but it leads them to the insane faggot from the first game and they got electrocuted, and die (I wish). After that, they get to fight down syndrome versions of the Splicers from the first game with even fewer vigors plasmids to chose from, and for some reason they have the same names that they have in Columbia even though they're in fucking Rapture. In the end, Booker find out he is Cumstuck, and Elizabeth has him drill raped by a Big Daddy.
Just like the first bioshock! oh wait...
Episode 2
Upon realize the rising popularity of the upcoming thief game, Ken being a complete hack decided to completely change the original gameplay and turned it into a generic, boring stealth shooter. The new and astonishing gameplay includes countless train wreck hours of a stealth section that requires the player to shoot everyone in the knee while being invisible. Sounds familiar?. Ken Levine likes the gameplay so much that he made a 1999 edition, which no one cares about.
This time you gets to play as Elizabeth. After all the shit she went through, she is suddenly powerless and becomes Atlas' bitch for the entire game, but somehow the only wrench rape she gets is in the face. After shooting every poorly designed AI in the knee, Elizabeth translates a single piece of paper and ss knocked the fuck out by Atlas. Turns out that piece of paper is encrypted with the activation code in order to awaken the main guy from the first game. This forced plot twist is only an attempt made by Ken to earn one last bit of Jew gold before he shut down his shitty company.
AWSUME STEALTH GAMEPLAY ACTION 10/10. Thank You Ken Levin.
Truly, a smart game for smart gamers, finally!
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Reception
The game has been hailed as a 10/10 GOTYAY even though it was released only a few months into the year. If you even try to say the game isn't deserving of a 10/10, you'll be viewed as a contrarian.
— Yahtzee explaining why his intellectual opinion is far superior to yours | ||
Idiot-retards praising the game
At least three people see BioShit as it truly is
NOTE: This entire article becomes a lot better if you read it in this guy's voice.
Galleries
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A typical Elizabeth fanboy drunk his own piss when he found out Elizabeth drowns Booker at the end.
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Asperger's Syndrome ahoy!
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Infinite's story is very original and deep.
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A poorly-made Photoshop to indicate the difference in eye size on the characters.
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Booker eating from dumpster while Elizabeth is watching in horror.
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This is where Elizabeth got her training in riding cock.
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What the fanboys wanted to see.
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An accurate assessment of Bioshock Infinite
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Videos
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External links
A .swf rule34 version of the game. More entertaining and better written
See Also
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BioShock Infinite is part of a series on Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage. |
| Article of the Now April 29 and 30, 2013 | ||
| Preceded by Offended |
BioShock Infinite | Succeeded by Frat boy |