The War of 1812
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The War of 1812 was a war at least 100 years ago, fought in the Americas between the douche-bags of America and the Euro-trash of Britain. In the beginning, America was butthurt by three things that the British trolls were doing: restricting American citizens from buying queer shit from France, Shanghai-ing of U.S. citizens into the British Navy, and giving Injuns firewater and guns. After a few years, everybody forgot about the real reasons why the war was still going on, so they gave each other a few cheap shots and then went home.
Causes of the War
There were several causes for this war. Each will be briefly described below.
- America thought they could get a cheap shot in while Britain was busy with Napoleon.
- Restriction of free trade between France and the United States. Britain was currently at war with the limp-wristed faggots of France, so they felt rage at the fact that somebody would give them money for their feather boas, trashy lingerie, and anal butter. Some homos in America could not understand why the British would see this as a threat, but the Brits were just trying to keep AIDS out of the new world so that they could rape whomever they pleased.
- Impressment of American Citizens into the British Royal Navy. What does a good Bostonian do on a Friday night after they are paid? They go on down to the wharf and drink themselves stupid on the anti-freeze and rum cocktails that were served during those days. Seriously Britain, couldn’t you find some better class of retard to press into your service? Impressment also occurred on the high seas. This involved a British ship, loaded down with marines and guns, who would spy out an American merchant boat. The Brits would sneak up and mug the boat, sink it, and press the whole crew into the service of the British crown. It is postulated that the Americans were getting a better deal out of the forced service, as their wages went up and they were getting more ass than they were used to. Nevertheless, some Americans were pissed off by the deal.
- Arming the Native Americans (Indians). After the War of Independence, the Americans were feeling a bit randy, so they decided to press further west into the continent. They encountered several interesting, artistic, cultured, and civilized people…and killed them. These people were the Injuns. One of the leaders of the Native Americans, an alcoholic named Tecumseh, was a true troll in the finest sense of the word. He would spend his days traveling the countryside, telling his people about the evils of the crackers in the east. For the most part, he was ignored because his brother was bat-shit insane, and because Tecumseh himself spent too much time on the peace pipe. One group of people did pay attention to him: The British. Since the British did not like the Americans, they gave Tecumseh and all of his friends guns, gunpowder, and bottles of cheap hooch (stolen from Boston merchant ships). The Native Americans thought it was a good idea to fight the Americans and grabbed up whatever they could. Boy were they wrong.
History of the War
The War was fought on many fronts. Listed below are the major areas of contention between the two battling countries.
The Invasion of Canada
Initially, the war started badly for the Americans. Their first plan was to invade and conquer as much of Canada as they could while the British had their backs turned. This plan backfired when it was discovered that the normally peace-loving faggot hippies of Canada actually had guns. Couple that revelation with the fact that the Americans had retards for leaders and you have a recipe for disaster. For many months, America and the territories of Canada battled back and forth while the Brits were busy with Napoleon in Europe. Meanwhile, bunches of British ships on the lakes were busy butt-raping the cities and forts that were owned by the United States. Since most of these cities and forts were in the territory of Michigan, nobody really cared.
All along the American east coast, British ships were 
making sure that nothing came into or went out of the eastern seaboard ports. Effectively cock blocking the entire east coast; this had many effects upon the Americans. First off, they could get no aid from foreign powers like France or Prussia. What this meant to Americans was that they had to use their own money and resources to fight. Secondly, some crafty Americans decided to invent piracy and became very adept at sneaking past the British ships. They were so crafty; many of them are still around, pirating stuff today. Finally, Americans, who could no longer import tea sets and porcelain sex-dolls from Europe, had to resort to making their own toys. Thus, the cheap plastic blow-up doll was invented.
Invasion of the Chesapeake Bay
At some point during all of this, the British got the idea of taking a fleet of ships and sailing it up the Chesapeake Bay into Maryland. This invasion force was so successful, the marines and naval troops were able to burn the White House, the Capitol building, and then demand protection payments from many of the bay area towns. While the Brits were fooling around with Maryland, several privateers made it passed their blockade and burst into the Atlantic Ocean. These pirates were able to kick several British asses and secure aid for the rest of the United States in the form of gunpowder, cannon, and beer; which the Brits loved so much, they drank it until they actually liked watching soccer.
Some curious ideas sprang from the Invasion of the Chesapeake Bay:
- Canadians seem to think that they were the people responsible for burning down the White House. This makes no sense because the nearest Canadian was at least a thousand miles away. Nevertheless, you will find Canadians to this day who are stupid enough to think they actually did something cool.
- The Battle and victory of Baltimore led to the writing of “The Star-Spangled Banner.” While it is true that Francis Scot Key did write the poem, most of the story inside that poem is wrong. The British did shoot a bunch at the Americans, but the Americans could not return fire because their cannons were made in Taiwan. The victory was not really won by the Americans, but rather lost by the British. The British could not text their BFFs on the mainland and thus the invasion of Baltimore ended. Francis Scot Key, ever the wiseass, was trolling the Brits with his little poem.
- While the British forces on the mainland did in fact burn the White House, they were ultimately punked by a cheap whore of a woman. Dolley Madison, wife of James Madison, secretly hid all the important American dox and then snuck out of Washington D.C. She was then able to link up with her husband who was hiding out in Virginia, and it was from there that they coordinated the remainder of the war.
Final Battles
Almost all victories by both sides were eventually overturned or reversed, thus making this war an epic fail and also an epic lulz at the same time.
Northwest Territories
After the initial invasion of Canada did not work and the naval buttfucking the Americans were getting by the British Navy, things finally began to turn around and the United States began to finally taste victory. After a bunch of skirmishes and battles, most of the Michigan peninsula was taken and the British forces there were smashed. Along with this major success, the Americans were able to kill off a bunch of Native Americans, including Tecumseh. They were also able to capture Detroit…insuring that automobiles could be made once again.
Because of the sweeping collapse of the British and Native American forces, a few very famous war heroes emerged from the Great Lakes battles:
- General William Henry Harrison, who after kicking some Indians in the nuts, went on to become the President of the United States.
- Captain Oliver Hazard Perry, who because he was smarter than the British captains were, was able to win the battle of Lake Erie and pretty much dash the hopes of a lot of hippy Canadians. Because of his victories, he was able to claim all of the Great Lakes as American territories, and he made it certain that he would never have to buy his own drinks in Ohio ever again.
Niagara and Upstate Jew York City
Americans, sick of having their asses handed to them along the Canadian border, began building ships at an alarming rate. Because of this obvious advantage, they were able to bully the British along most of the St. Lawrence, Lake Ontario, and Lake Champlain. During this industrialization and mobilization, the Americans were able to travel to York, the capital of Canada at the time, and capture it. They then renamed the city Toronto, burned down all the parliament buildings, and established a shitty baseball team there. The Americans were able to gain key victories in the following areas:
- Plattsburgh – a suburb of Pittsburgh. “America’s most decisive naval victory” as quoted by Teddy Roosevelt, several days after the event. During this battle, British forces showed what kind of pussies they are by losing to the Americans even though they outnumbered them three to one. After this battle, the Americans claimed control of Lake Champlain. They also began to Complain about Champagne…in the rain…in Spain.
- Fort Erie – American forces take several frontier forts, then realize how shitty they are and burn them down.
- Chippewa – Besides sounding cool, Chippewa was a major victory for General Winfield Scott (Old Fuss and Feathers) who is coincidentally the brother of television weatherman Willard Scott.
Battles in the West and the Creek War
Besides not knowing what was really going on in the civilized world, the American settlers in Missouri, Tennessee, and Illinois conducted business as usual by killing every Indian they saw. Most of this was done by trading blankets laden with Small Pox germs, but sometime in the Spring of 1814, Andrew Jackson himself showed up and effectively killed every single Indian or British soldier with his own bare hands. Because of this feat, he is now on the Twenty-dollar bill. GRRRRRR
Another notable engagement occurred in the Battle of Dien Bien Phu, where the Viet-Cong tribe scalped several French soldiers. During this distant battle, another American states-man would become a hero. Zachary Taylor, alone and unarmed, snuck into the fort of Prairie du Chien and gave an Indian chieftain a bloody nose. Despite this minor victory, this part of the war would not end until 1817, several years after a general cease of hostility was gained in the east.
Treaty of Ghey
After trading blows for a few years and realizing that neither side was going to win, both the United States and Britain figured out that they should just quit while they were ahead. In late 1814, both countries met in the city of Ghey, Belgium. While there, both diplomatic groups visited many of the tourist traps that are scattered around the countryside. After huge expenditures at their respective countries expense, they settled down to discuss the several reasons why they should quit fighting:
- War is expensive when you are not grabbing up somebody’s gold and/or resources.
- Nobody was getting flour.
- The taxes that America would have to levy against its citizens were going to cost more than the loss in shipping due to British molestation.
- Now that Napoleon was gone, everybody wanted to make friends.
- The price of rum went up 900%
On the day before Christmas in 1814, the two countries signed a peace treaty and began negotiating what would become of the lands, resources, and booty gained during the fighting, they also chatted about several other important topics:
- Now that pirates were all over the place, what were they supposed to do about them?
- What to do with this huge invasion force that the British had sailing towards New Orleans (hint hint).
- What was going to happen to the huge chunks of Maine that Britain now controlled?
- Since war was brewing in both Russia and India, could the Americans please, Please, PLEASE leave Britain alone for a while? Oh, and fuck you Spain, if America leaves us alone, we’ll give them Florida…
Finally, after much debate and much sweating, both sides negotiated the return of all land taken from each other back to each other. The Treaty of Ghey was ratified by the Senate and was to take effect on February 18, 1815.
New Orleans
Unaware (ha ha ha ha) that a treaty had been signed; Andrew Jackson took care of the problem of the huge invasion fleet that was headed for New Orleans by kicking over ten thousand British troops right in the ass. He, armed only with his 22-inch pythons, and some rag-tag pirates who lived in the nearby swamps, completely obliterated a vastly superior force that did not have any idea of what they were doing.
During the battle, the British General, Edward Parkenham, split his forces into two prongs and made advances on Jackson’s position. What Parkenham failed to realize was that he was separated from Jackson by a huge swamp and by a huge straw and earth wall that was quickly constructed by the American forces the night before. Parkenham found the advance was slow and was stopped dead in the swamp as the American cannons fired grapeshot into his ranks. Before he could announce a retreat, Parkenham was killed by cannon fire himself. Seeing what happens to stupid fucks who try to fight rednecks in the swamp, Parkenham’s second in command called for an immediate retreat. He then took his remaining forces, now short a vast sum, and attacked Mobile, Alabama. Why? Nobody knows because Mobile is a total shithole.
Aftermath
In the wake of the Treaty of Ghent and the huge battle victory in Louisiana, the United States went through a period that was called “the Era of Good Feelings” by many scholars. With this new attitude, America turned it’s greedy eyes to the west and remembered that people like Tecumseh were still running around.
Rope smokers like Zachary Taylor and Andrew Jackson were catapulted into the national spotlight and subsequently they both became presidents of the United States; proving, for the first time, that anybody who can scrape enough cash together or dupe enough people can be President.
On the other side of the Atlantic, the whole war was barely noticed to begin with, but the crown was forced to recognize that it had been fucked over by the same ex-colony twice within the last 30 years. Furthermore, the British began to realize that their naval power was not what they thought it was. This caused them to re-think their naval strategies over the course of the next two decades:
New Strategies Adopted by the British Navy
- More firearms and canon practice
Finally, by the end of the War of 1812, most of the rest of the world recognized the United States as a world power. Europe and the Ottoman Empire began to realize what kind of place America was and what kind of spastic retards were in charge of the place. It is too bad they didn’t take notes.
Quotes
—Tchaikovsky | ||
—Representative John C. Calhoun who was considered by his peers to be a VERY SMART man. | ||
—Oliver Hazard Perry after pwning the Great Lakes and your mom. | ||
Quick Stats
- Number of British war deaths suffered in the Battle of New Orleans: 2036
- Number of American war deaths suffered in Iraq as of this writing: 3,681
- Number of American war deaths suffered in the Battle of New Orleans: 21
- Total Rum kegs stolen buy Shawnee Indian nation: 34,760
- Approximate number of seaworthy battleships in the American navy in 1812: 12
- Increase in homosexuality within the United States Navy: 300%
- Approximate number of seaworthy battleships in the British navy in 1812: 500
- Total number of national capitals burned to the ground: 2
- Total American military expenditures during the War of 1812: $93 million
Video Links Concerning the War of 1812
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