HealthCare.gov

It's a joke, get it?

HealthCare.gov is the clusterfuck website set up by Black Jesus to graciously allow his subjects to obtain medical services, or else. It was enormously successful, serving almost 1% of the people who attempted to use it. This is a record most government services could only ever aspire to, but for some reason, detractors seem to feel it's utter unusability detracts from it's overall utility.

Genesis

HealthCare.gov, in convenient floppy disk form.

In 2011, a half-breed had a dream. He had a dream that he could buy his minority buddies all the purple drank and bullet wound treatment they wanted. To make his dream come true, he needed to create an online marketplace so that people too stupid to go shopping on their own could get ripped off from the comfort of their own crack den. The first site, which distributed information about the impending apocalypse, was made to mimic internet startups, fluid, scalable, and open source. In fact, several major problems with this early site were found and corrected by open source contributors. This was no way to run a government website, so Obama handed over control to a bunch of Canadians, along with half a billion dollars for their troubles. The maple niggers scrapped the open source version, and proceeded to blow through about half a billion dollars of hookers and blow, before turning in a collage of stolen code and buggy shit.
To make matters even worse, ten days before the site was supposed to launch, Obama decided that registration would be mandatory before users could even look at available policies. This move was designed to hide just how much the supposedly affordable plans cost on the site, thus hide Obama's abject failure. The only problem being that ten days isn't much time to shoop Katy Perry's face onto porn, much less to redesign a national marketplace from the ground up. By the Canadian's own admission, when they tried to test the site, not a single one of them could get the site to work. The Canadians turned in their cobbled together piece of shit on the day it was due, shuffling their collective shoes and refusing to make eye contact.

Revelation

The marketplace opened its doors on October 1st, 2013. It was perhaps the single worst website ever created. The contractors also failed to realize that forcing people to do something makes them do that something, so they made the website which was intended to serve the entire nation able to serve only 50,000 people at a time. On the 1st, the traffic load was five times the expected amount, temporarily rendering the site a smoldering crater full of AIDS. But even the lucky few who could actually access the site were caught in a labyrinthine system of forms that could not be edited once information was added, endless loops, and dead ends. Several people died of cancer while attempting to find their way through an avalanche of buggy bullshit. The problems were so severe, even unplugging the marketplace and then plugging it back in couldn't fix it.
When people complained about what a waste of time the website was, Obama's minions directed Americans to call a 1-800 number, where a call center would register and shop for you. If by some miracle a caller got through, these call centers were Stalinist work camps, staffed by functional retards making minimum wage to read a script. Even the script was fucked beyond repair, because when people called in with problems, they were prompted to reset their password. Expert opinion is mixed as to how effective password reset is in fixing terrible design, development, and implementation. When one of these call center drones simply answered a call from a regime critic, she was fired, in true totalitarian fashion.

Exodus

Where there are pyramids, there are Jews.

After the site was launched, only to crash and burn on the launching pad, Obama surveyed the wreckage. He had wasted 500 million dollars doing what ED does with porn ad revenue and listless rimjobs. He claimed all the problems could be fixed with a surge, despite two failed surges in the very recent past suggesting otherwise. The staffer hired to hatch this rotten egg is optimistic that this half billion dollar abortion can be operational by the end of November, merely two months after it was supposed to be functional, and just fifteen days before the original deadline to comply. Obama's rape train was forced to grind to a halt while the carcass of HealthCare.gov is being cleared from the tracks, so the original deadline was chucked right out the window along with all hopes of real healthcare reform.
The administration also responded to criticism by adding a feature that would tell you exactly what the new insurance would cost you, without completing any of the uncompletable forms previously required. The only problem with this feature is it deliberately understates the cost by nearly half in an attempt to get you to register. Obama seems to have forgotten that there are already sites to spread his lies without the trouble of creating an entirely new one. As an added bonus, millions of employees have already been dumped from their current insurance policies in anticipation of the Great Leap Forward HealthCare.gov represents. Those people may never receive treatment for the hypertension and screen punching related injuries caused by navigating HealthCare.gov.

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The Daily Show 10/21/13

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I hate mindless black people that vote for Obama because he's black!

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Gallery

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  Front page fix'd.

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  Typical HealthCare.gov user

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  The last thing you will ever see on Healthcare.gov

See Also

• OhInternet
• Cryptokids
• DO NOT PUBLISH... THIS IS A TEST
• Health Care Rage
• How To Wash Your Hands

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