Steven Universe
In 2013 Rebecca Sugar abandoned Adventure Time to try and make an exception to the rule that kid's shows are shittier than adult shows with the feminist metaphor that is Steven Universe.
Steven Universe is a very anime inspired cartoon which shouldn't be acceptable for a western kids show since all anime is invariably pornographic. The plot is Madoka Magica's mutant cousin. Cartoon Network realised that since they were airing Johnny Test two thirds of the day, they REALLY needed something new, ANYTHING new.
Rebecca Sugar caught onto the fact that CN now had two brain cells to rub together and suggested a fantasy cry moar show that attempted to trick otakus into thinking that Western cartoons are any match for anime. This show lost to Regular Show in the weaboo-contest after
Ｂｒｉｌｌｉａｎｔ Ｃｅｎｔｕｒｙ Ｄｕｃｋ Ｃｒｉｓｉｓ Ｓｐｅｃｉａｌ aired.
Gems
"Gems" are an alien race of sentient gemstones. Their civilization is as technologically advanced as the average sci-fi federation but as morally advanced as the Nazis.
- Gems generate an external body to interact with the world with.
- When this body is damaged enough it "poofs" out of existence and has to regenerate from within the gem.
- This body can physically change at will (with limits of course).
- Gems can fuse their bodies.
- You can fuse the literal gems together against their will to create a sin against life itself and become the literal worst person ever.
- Gems seemingly cannot die, but if a gem smashed into shards those shards can only form body parts and lose sapience.
Story
Long ago the gems tried to destroy humanity by harvesting the Earth's core or something. A group of Gems called the "Crystal Gems" objected, however. The way we make dip-shits of ourselves is entertainment you couldn't pay for on the Gem Homeworld. They saved the planet, yadda fucking yadda.
Rose Quartz died giving birth to him, and she knew ahead of time that this would happen but continued the pregnancy anyway - either because Steven's half-human properties were part of her master-plan to keep earth safe or because she finally decided she had seen enough.
TL;DR
A little boy goes on adventures with a bunch of hot girls.
Characters
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Steven Universe
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Actually Rose Quartz
Steven Universe - The main character. An genetically engineered little boy who lives in a beach house with Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl. His gem adventures usually involve him doing it wrong out of incompetence or bad luck and his human adventures eventually end up gem-related. He also has 6 moms and is his own mom.
Even though he is Greg Universe's son, Rose Quartz had to re-write Steven's genome from scratch because Greg had too many fail-genes.
Rose Quartz - Steven's mom who had to become an hero to give birth to him. Apparently she can find beauty in anything(even this show's Tumblr fandom), has magical healing tears, the power to create minions from plant matter, and she used to plant magic moss bent on devouring everything because she doesn't give a fuck. She's a girl imbued with white attire, pink hair extensions and magical powers linked to a gem who had tried to 'heal' the spirits of the corrupted gems and forsaken her physical form because reasons. She shape-shifted fully functioning female sex organs to birth Steven with.
Pearl - She is an smart-ass who think she's superior to anything surrounding her. Has an unquenchable thirst for Rose Quartz. She watches Steven in his sleep. Since she can't sex it up with Rose anymore, she'll settle for the next best thing: Garnet.
Her weapon is a Spiral-tipped spear.
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Amethyst
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Pearl
Amethyst - A Gem that was grown on Earth by evil gems. FAs on Tumblr can NEVER get enough of her because, like a disturbingly high number of characters in this show, she's FA-worthy. Constantly stuffing her fat face (even though apparently Gems don't need food, or drink, or sleep, or air). Used her shapeshifting power to turn into her fursona, "The Purple Puma" and wreck people behind Pearl and Garnet's backs.
Her weapon is a spiked whip.
Garnet - The Leader of the Crystal Gems since Rose died. She is secretly a fusion of two lesbians (lesbians exist in kids' shows now). Her powers include seeing into the future, swimming in lava, and a diva voice.
Her weapon is a pair of gauntlets.
Ruby and Sapphire - Dwarf lesbians that make up Garnet. Proving that Rebecca Sugar is a weeaboo hipster who loves referencing tons and tons of animes and games that came up at least 100 years ago.
Opal - Whenever Pearl and Amethyst aren't arguing for no reason, they can perform fusion to "form Opal": a four-armed Giant Woman; the gems claim that they only fuse when they have no choice but hardly ever do it when they need to and when they do it it's hardly ever when they need to.
Fun Fact: Originally they were going to pose her arms to form a swastika as a Hindu reference but were forced to scrap it because culturally ignorant Jews and Social Justice Warriors would have been offended and that can't ever happen.
Her weapon is a bow.
Sugilite - Whenever a mission can only be completed with brute force and lots of it, Garnet and Amethyst will fuse to form Sugilite. In exchange for that power the three succumb to Roid Rage. Obviously the SJ-Wankers were appalled by how obviously racist her character is, which surprised us all since SJWs typically jerk off to and worship the Steven Universe characters.
Sugilite's weapon is a flail.
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Alexandrite
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Garnet
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Opal
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Sugilite
Alexandrite - The over-hyped tri-fusion of all 3 Crystal Gems. Her main personality traits are the ignorance to human sociology already present in the Gems and her Multiple Personality Disorder. Her main physical traits are her Sonic the hedgehog eyes and her second mouth that looks like something from Parasyte.
Onion - There are only 2 things we know for sure about Onion: His dad is always out at sea but visits for brief (emphasis on 'brief') periods of time to talk Moonspeak to him; and he's the Devil. Everything else is just speculation, shit like him being an aspie or a typical sociopath or even Yellow Diamond but the truth is he's the fucking Devil.
If he isn't crow-baring arcade machines or stealing Steven's favourite homoerotic sex toys, he'll practice Black Magic for the lulz.
Greg Universe - Steven's dad. He's an ex-solo-musician with cat hair and the poster child for how to fail at life but still get the best girl. Seriously though he met Rose because she's the only person who liked his music. Now Greg runs a Car Wash and lives in a van, so Steven lives with the gems.
Lars - Lars is a bi-curious doughnut shopkeeper whose life Steven repeatedly ruins. He's secretly jealous of Steven because he's magical and hangs out with "hot girls", he is also secretly gay for Steven.
Also he's transgender. Tumblr said so.
Sadie - Lars' work partner and is only ever seen around Lars, Steven or both indicating that she has no other friends. While she is technically in a relationship with Lars. She'd certainly dump him for Stevonnie.
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Sadie
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Petey
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Onion
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Lars
Connie - Steven's obligatory love interest. Connie's mom is a doctor and her dad is a cop who works for multiple beaches in multiple cities so she isn't in the same place for a long time which means she can't make friends. Because she has no friends she spend most of her time reading books and looking at boats. This probably means she knows about Onion's "situation". Steven's first impression on Connie was aspie level awkward. [Insert Un-funny Lolicon joke here.]
Mr. Fryman - The owner of a family business called 'Beach City-walk Fries' which sells Fries and seemingly nothing else. His kids are a teenage tumbling schizophrenic and an Emo.
Petey - His actual name is Peedee but if his own dad didn't call him his real name why should you? 'Petey' is the only emo known in fiction or reality smart enough to realise that drenching yourself in black makes you look like a retard.
Ronaldo - Petey's elder brother. The fedora-donning Tumblr addict we mentioned earlier. He runs a blog called "Keep beach City weird" which oddly enough exists. In real life. Yes Really. This blog describes Ronaldo's obsession with anime, his need to feel important and his delusions about a Snake-illuminati from 12-dimensional space.
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Ronaldo
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Mr.Smiley
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Connie
Kofi and Kiki Pizza - Kofi's family own a pizza place called 'Fish Stew Pizza'. His known family are his daughters Kiki and Jenny and his mom, Nanefua. Kiki has incredibly little character so you can just ignore her. Kofi can only be described in 2-words: "Black Wrath".
Jenny, Sour Cream and Buck Dewey - Sour Cream is presumably Satan's stepbro and unsuspecting victim, Buck Dewey is Beach City's Mayor's son and Jenny's family generate lulz at 3 times normal. Lars thinks they're so cash and tried to make friends with them but needed Steven's help to do it, and they're better friends with Steven than with Lars.
Nanefua - Kofi's mom.
Mr. Smiley - The nigger that runs Beach City Funland and hosts an illegal wrestling business. his addiction to crack is the reason Beach City Funland is so accident prone.
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Peridot
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Malachite
Lapis Lazuli - A gem with hydrokenesis. The Crystal Gems trapped her in a mirror for 6000 years until Steven broke her free. She flew to her homeworld in space to find that if you give a civilization 6000 years they tend to advance. She fused with Jasper so she could use her water-powers to become trap herself and Jasper at the bottom of the ocean forever.
Peridot - A gem with cyber-fingers. She kept trying to re-activate the kindergarten with "robonoids" but those pesky Crystal Gems always stopped her. This pissed her off so she pulled a Mengele and turned dead gems into monstrous crimes against nature to express her anger.
Jasper - A roid-rager who Peridot had escort her to Earth, is Lapis' abusive boyfriend and thinks Steven is Rose Quartz. He fused with Lapis after being jelly that Garnet is infinitely better than him in every way(even though he thinks fusion is for pussies) but Lapis dragged their fused body into the ocean.
Malachite - The Lapis-Jasper fusion that dragged it's horrid form to the bottom of the sea to save Earth, getting kinky with each other with whatever shit they find down there to pass the time.
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Stevonnie
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"Cluster"
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Rainbow Quartz
Stevonnie - The accidental fusion of Steven and Connie. Yes, apparently Steven can fuse with humans. She exudes so much sexiness that even Garnet wants to bang her, despite the fact she's 2 kids.
"Cluster" - A franken-fusion of dead crystal gems created by Peridot-of-Auschwitz as punishment for rebelling against the homeworld.
Rainbow Quartz - A fusion of Rose and Pearl. Pearl's thirst isn't satisfied even in this form.
Sardonyx - ??????
Yellow Diamond - The gem matriarch or something.
Episode Summaries
- 0. Pilot
Amethyst gives Steven a magical hour-glass marble that she and the gems were SUPPOSED to protect from those who don't know how it works (e.g. Steven Universe). He accidentally the marble to travel back in time to Pwn-fu Lars with comebacks only to learn that now ONLY he can use it, and ONLY for comebacks. A show was destined to be made from this pilot since Cartoon Network's standards were low enough to allow Clarence and Uncle Grandpa to be made into TV shows.
;1-26 Season 1A
- 1. FLCL II
Oreos get discontinued making Steven butthurt but the Gems bought a bunch. Now for some reason eating them makes Steven's gem activate except for when he needs it to.
- 2. Laser Light Boner
The space gems send O2 towards Beach City and the only thing that can work against it is Rose Quartz's "Laser Light Cannon" which was entrusted to Steven's dad.
Steven goes on his first mission with the gems only to fuck it up.
- 4. Orgy Breakfast
Steven makes a stack of pancakes for him and the other Crystal Gems to eat together but everyone's busy. The monster of the week is the breakfast Steven made possessed by Garnet's incriminating evidence and the ending is borderline Gainax: the gems make a new breakfast but now have a phobia of pancakes and instead order pizza.
Ragyou-sama becomes a bunch a crystals and possesses Petey's fry suit so she can molest more people.
Steven tries to shapeshift but it results in that moment from AKIRA + lots and lots of cats.
- 7. Steven's Shipping Bubble.
Steven's gem ships Steven with Connie by trapping them in a bubble.
Steven gets B& from Beach City Funland for destroying it in the name of lulz.
- 9. Fat Cat
Amethyst and Steven form a tag team furry wrestling duo to troll everyone because they couldn't handle Garnet and Pearl's constant bitching, except that Steven's too big of a pussy to handle the expected butthurt he created. Eventually the Garnet and Pearl Party Van put a stop to it.
- 10. The Bad Lion Entity
Steven finds a magical pink lion in the desert and brings it home with him when it doesn't maul him. Amethyst brings back a crystal tied to a pillow that becomes a random terrain generator should it make contact with sand. You'll never guess what happens next.
- 11. Gurren Lagann Invasion
Kamina reincarnates as a gem-monster and raeps the gems with tentacle drills, except Garnet who kills him leaving behind a crystal and mini-Kaminas. Steven rewards the gems with a trip to the Arcade. Garnet gets addicted to DDR.
Garnet and Amethyst fuse to form the hindu goddess Opal with shitty dance moves.
- 13. At least 100 birthdays.
Steven has a mid-life crisis at 12 16 22 43 72 83 years old.
- 14. The Unholy Quintet.
Rose Quartz's death moss runs rampant in a lake called 'Dead Man's Mouth' now that she isn't here to establish dominance and 5 people almost die from it.
- 15. Devil's Trade
Onion steals Steven's favourite improvised dildo, throws a burger into the ocean, Hit and Runs, and almost destroys the city with magic for the lulz. YA RLY. Oh and Steven tries to trade with Onion.
- 16. Pearl dies! - Pearl's first regeneration
After Pearl gets peeved by Anime Physics she does what any responsible guardian would do: teach Steven how to sword fight, with actual swords. She gets impaled and what follows is a prediction of the long-ass hiatus that followed after the episode aired.
- 17. The second coming of Jesus.
Connie and Steven try to get Lion to take them to the cinema but they detour through Rose's training cave and accidentally summon a Turret.
Garnet and Kofi get caught in a Nigga Moment which gets the Crystal Gems B& from Fish Stew Pizza(The Crystal Gems don't give a shit) so Steven invites the Gems and the Pizza family to a Volleyball BBQ to end it. Because Steven doesn't watch the Boondocks he is unaware that Nigger Moments don't end; ever. But this is not the Boondocks, the Nigga Moment ends when the Gems and the Pizzas kill a giant gale blowfish and the Gems get unbanned for Fish Stew Pizza.
- 19. The Rebellion Story Abridged.
Steven gets pissy because the gems don't have time to hang out with him. The build-up of butthurt opens up his mom's room so Steven decides to escape to it. He learns that Rose's room materializes whatever you wish for, but if you accidentally have it make a town you risk realizing you've become a witch.
- 20. Holy shit, a celebrity cameo.
Garnet and Amethyst fuse to rescue television but become insane while Steven and his friends start working out because of Steven's recent head-trauma. SJWs accuse this episode of being racist for some reason.
- 21. Regular Show.
Lars pulls a Rigby on Sadie so Steven volunteers to replace him.
- 22. Steven Paradox.
Steven gets a new time-marble which brings disaster with each and every use; this includes witnessing 100 of your future selves die before your eyes.
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- 23. Madoka Magica Episode 9 Abridged.
Kyouko Sakura and Madoka Kaname go to Oktavia von Seckendorff's barrier to get Sayaka Miki back but don't.
Okay that's not exactly what happened - only Madoka went.
- 24. Weeping Angel Rose.
Amethyst falls off a cliff cracking her gem so the Crystal Gems go to Rose's healing spring. In this episode we learn about Steven's healing spit.
- 25 & 26. [Insert noun here] Gem.
Steven releases Lapis Lazuli from a mirror. Lapis proceeds to take the ocean to get home because her gem is cracked so she can't fly, Steven heals the gem so she uses her wings to fly, like a bird, in space, with no air.
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;27-49 Season 1B + 1 Season 2
- 27. The Crewniverse on crack.
An off-model, cliché and rushed travesty of an episode. Some argue that it only sucks because the past 2 episodes are much better but obviously didn't see the episode(thank god). It's awful, so so awful.
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- 28. Space Race.
Pearl, Steven and Greg build a spaceship because Pearl misses space.
- 29. Secret Gang.
Amethyst and Pearl accidentally release a bunch of giant limbs and have to defeat them. In other words they finally fight a giant foot.
Sadie traps Steven and Lars on an island with an invisible monster because Lars is a dick and because OOOH!!! Look how pretty it is here.
- 31. Jews did 9/11.
Ronaldo's paranoid schizophrenia interrupts Steven's life.
- 32. Fusion Crime.
This episode was renamed 'Fusion Cuisine' but to ED it's still Fusion Crime, because Alexandrite is a crime against nature.
- 33. 6 Gaming/Anime/Self-references per minute.
What Steven thinks Garnet did today.
- 34. Watermelon Steven.
Steven accidentally grows watermelon slaves.
- 35. The Rose
Rose talks.
- 36. The Mean Green Space Machines.
Peridot. That is all.
- 37. The end of gender as we know it.
- Steven and Connie actually fuse - and into the manifestation of charm and chaos called "Stevonnie".
- Sadie is confirmed to go both ways.
- Garnet wants Stevonnie.
- Some nigger named Kevin is introduced, exists for a few minutes, then leaves.
- Stevonnie is a chick. Deal with it.
- 38. Somebody left the Game Genie on.
Steven becomes self-conscious about his powers so the Gems prepare a hacked Super Mario 64 stage to test him.
- 39. Garnet's ood powers.
Garnet's ood powers drive Steven paranoid.
- 40. Kindergartens are evil now.
It's revealed that Amethyst came out of a hole in the ground.
- 41. Halloween in February.
Steven exercises his lighthouse.
- 42. Christmas in February.
Filler that reveals Connie as a weeb.
- 43. New Year in February.
Amethyst is revealed as the spawn of Onion.
- 44. "I'm Telling" - Peridot
Peridot keeps trying to reactivate "Kindergarten" but the Crystal Gems keep trolling her by stopping her.
;45-1. Steven Bomb I
- 45. Another Rose Quartz episode.
Lapis warns the Crystal Gems that Walpurgisnacht is coming.
- 47. #Blackout
Pearl experiments on one of Peridot's robots but causes Beach City to black out.
- 48-49 The Walpurgis Night - Garnet's first regeneration
Peridot and Jasper go to Earth in the Crazy Hand with Lapis captive to kidnap the Crystal Gems but Steven and Garnet fuck them up.
Lapis proceeds to fuck Jasper up further by trapping him in the sea.
- Season 2 Episode 1 Shellshock
Steven gets PTSD.
;2-Present Season 2
- 2. Aesop's Last Fable
Moral: Don't get pissy over people who have different opinions then yours and if you do then kill yourself.
- 3. Selfies. Lots and lots of selfies.
Steven, Sour Cream, Buck Dewey ans Jenny fuck with Peridot's escape pod.
- 5. How I met your Mother.
Self-explanatory.
- 6. How not to PR (Personal Responsibility).
Steven assassinates Mayor Dewey to get back at Buck.
- 7. The end of all Garnet ships.
Jamie reveals himself as a Shakespeare weeaboo and tries to woo Garnet but fails.
- 8. Ame-rekt. - Amethyst's first regeneration. Guess who'll regenerate next.
Amethyst gets rekt and has to regenerate again and again.
;9-13. Steven Bomb II
- 9. The White Knight.
Pearl projects her self-esteem issues on Connie
- 10. Ronaldo ruins everything.
Ronaldo gets off reddit for a moment to denounce the people that keep saving everyone's lives as dangers to everyone's lives.
- 11. Falling Apart.
The Crystal Gems catch Peridot performing Unit 731/Nazi experiments on dead gems. Totally not a viscous crime against nature.
- 12 Pearl wants that rock.
Greg successfully takes that rock away from Pearl.
- 13 Chille Tid
Jasper continues to be the sub to Lapis' dom.
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;14-???. Steven Bomb III
- Season 2 Episode 4
- Say Uncle. (The Uncle Grandpa crossover.)
- Uncle Pedo sinks the Lars/Sadie ship.
- The Crystal Gems try to kill Retard-God for the sake of humanity but he uses his god powers to escape.
- Gus, who's apparently omniscient now, tells Steven how his shield works.
- Amethyst eats Pizza Steve. Predictable as fuck.
- Steven wastes his mother's godly power to protect the incestuous-crime-against-ethics' life from the Crystal Gems who were only trying to do what's right.
- The crossover tries to justify its existence - but fails.
- Uncle Grandpa leaves for the next world - for Aberdale. May this mighty god ravage Clarence's precious virgin anus and slay all his loved ones for the glory of Satan.
- Sadly none of this is canon, thanks a lot Satan...
Miscellaneous Information
Facts
- Being the offspring of two different species means Steven Universe is infertile.
- It's been confirmed that Crystal Gems have no sex, and as such the fused midgets that make up Garnet aren't technically lesbians or fall under any pre-existing human notions of sex and romance. Think about that for a moment.
- Tumblr snowflakes say this is false and if you disagree you're a dirty white cis male Nazi hetero homophobe that needs to be lynched for having a valid opinion that differs from theirs.
- God doesn't exist here, only multi-armed goddesses that can be used for r34 material.
- Healing a corrupted gem is impossible.
Headcanons and Predictions
- Steven will try to learn to control his age to get some sex.
- Rose Quartz fought against some really evil bitch 1500 years ago. Confirmed, but it was 6000 years ago.
- We as a species will never be worth the war Rose waged on gemkind for us.
- Rose Quartz did it for the lulz.
- Satan will no longer see any use for Onion's body and take Steven's to create phenomenal lulz and butthurt.
- Steven is a gigantic furfag, and according to shippers he will have sex with his lion at some point.
- A villain will exploit human psychology to mind rape Steven.
- Connie dies.
- Fire Salts will eventually become a Black Market cooking ingredient.
Trolling the Fandom
- Draw Pearl with tits; the bigger the better.
- Draw Garnet not as the ghettoest nigger.
- Draw Amethyst, Sadie, or Rose as skinny bitches.
- Draw Steven (or his dad) skinny, for even more lulz.
- Suggest that Lars is not a trans boy.
- Claim that the gems only care about Steven because Rose is dead.
- Declare that Pearl didn't have a crush on Rose.
- Point out that the gems have no actual genitals and that the Garnet fusion midgets don't count as lesbians by human standards.
- Point out that Steven Universe is just a rip-off of Adventure Time.
- Say that the show is for SJWs and tumblrtards.
Gallery
—Steven Universe | ||
Previous Quote | Next Quote
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Confirmed homosexuals
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FEMINIST POWER RIGHT GUYS
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Steven's true form
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Prepare your anus
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Sugilite is so GAR!
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Totally original design guys
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The centi-peedle in a humanoid form. HALF LIFE 3 CONFIRMED!!!
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HOW DOES I ANATOMY
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Let's face the facts: This is how the show is going to end.
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YELLOW DIAMOND!
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WHITE DIAMOND!
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BLUE DIAMOND!
See Also
- Gay
- Tumblr
- Adventure Time
- Clarence - The retarded sister show to Steven Universe (and that's saying something).
- Regular Show - Is more anime-ey than Steven Universe (and that's saying something).
- Cartoon Network
- My Little Pony
- Puella Magi Madoka Magica - Steven Universe's inspiration
- Love Hina - Sequel to Steven Universe
- Feminist - The only clowns who watch this garbage
External Links
- TV Tropes Article
- Typical Steven Universe FanFaction
Offical Tumblr Blog- The World of Steven Universe
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| Featured article August 14th & 15th, 2014 | ||
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