Alexreynard

Alexreynard H8S WIMMINZ! THAT MEANS HE IS A FAG!!!

Not to be confused with InSaNe-REYNARD, who falsely claims he lieks women.

Alexreynard (Real name: Morgan Eli Kohl of Royal Oak, Michigan) is a whiny little furfag and resident drama whore on InkBunny (since being ~~banned~~ suspended for ten years from FurAffinity). Like most furries, he is obsessed with certain cartoon characters like Gadget Hackwrench from shows like Chip N Dale's Rescue Rangers and Fifi LaFume from Tiny Toons, both of whom he dedicates large amounts of Rule 34 to, raping childhood memories in the process. Because of his sexual obsession with Gadget, he is also the only friend and fan of Ray "Mousefucker" Jones. A sexual deviant, he stands out even among most furries because of the large amount of fetishes he has, some of which are unique to his faggotry. He also hates anonymous and whenever trolled, he'll whine and state that he is never coming back to the site. Epic failure ensues when he shows up the next day claiming that he had outsmarted anon by pretending to leave so they would go away. The real reason why he always comes back is because he realizes he has no friends IRL (as if he has friends on the internet to begin with) and hyoomans can not meet his sick fuck demands of underage skunk fucking so he'll usually be back within a couple minutes.

In a delightful display or irony, considering how much he claims to hate trolls, Alex has recently taken to trolling on Portal of Evil under the uninspired handle of "Redraccoonfox".

How to Troll Him

AlexReynard is extremely trollable - even more than the average furry, in the same way that gasoline is more flammable than soiled hamster bedding. Indeed, he is essentially a smarter version of legendary perverted manchild Chris-chan. (Which means you don't have to feel bad for tormenting a retard!) Even a mediocre troll can provoke him into making a lengthy journal posting about being trolled. To optimize your success, keep a few simple tips in mind:

Don't be an obvious troll. For maximal response, open with something that sounds like real "constructive" negative feedback about his stuff.
Pretend to be a woman. He does not like them. (If you already are a woman, pretend to be a rich spoiled bitch for maximum effect.)
He has about a million retarded opinions, many of which he lists here. Pretend to agree with him while vigourously misunderstanding both his original idea and his (inevitably lengthy) subsequent explainations.
Use the name of some random user in the Chip and Dale Rescue Rangers or Tiny Toons fandom to troll him. Stand back and enjoy the fun. (Example).

He is best trolled on his FurAffinity page. He also responds to email trolling, at [email protected]. His telephone number is (248) 545-4219; if an old man answers the phone, that's probably his grandpa, William Jackson, in whose attic Alex lives. Old Mr. Jackson would probably appreciate knowing his grandson is, by his own admission, a gay pedophile.

After growing frustrated, he will typically attempt to retaliate by subscribing your email address to mailing lists and blocking your FA account. So don't use your real one, obviously. (Yes, we know you have one, you secret Furfag you!)

Furaffinity

Alex gets his comeuppance for rejoicing over the time ED changed its URL by two letters.

Prior to his 2011 suspension, Alexreynard was often seen on FurAffinity, posting his shitty art or BAWWWWWWING in his journal. A full blown attention whore, he'll post farewell entries in his journal whenever he realizes that nobody gives a shit about him. Other furfags who like his shit will immediately post comments begging him not to leave. This, of course, makes him feel special and he'll proceed to claim that he was just joking and was, in fact, planning to stay the entire time. Unfortunately, none of these furries realize that if they just simply ignore him, he would go batshit insane and become an hero. A potential Lulzcow, trolling his account will usually garner a reaction like this:

	“	Please go shove razor-sharp pieces of rusted metal into your crotch until you no longer have a penis. You're a stupid motherfucker who deserves to be retroactively aborted. You smell like two camels taking a shit in a garbage bag made out of fatty chicken skin.	„
	—Alexreynard

Nowadays, Alexreynard can be found grazing at InkBunny.

Quotes of Faggotry

Alex apparently poops his pants and knows nothing about skunks.

	“	Massive amounts of money will also be used for the development of ... worthy scientific endeavors. This will naturally include research into turning humans into real-life furries.	„
	— -Alexreynard, Emperor

	“	I pronounce it 'ray-NARD'. Dunno if that's the correct way, but hopefully people will stop saying 'RAY-nird', 'RUH-nard' or 'al-yoo-MIN-ee-um'.	„
	—Alexreynard

	“	Here's a promise: Tonight when I masturbate, I will imagine you growing a huge set of tits and a giant, dripping cock, and then two other giant herms will come up and start fucking you in your sloppy cunt and anus, and then you will hard-vore a small child, digest that small child, shit the small child out, and then eat your own shit while cumming like a firehose all over the place. Plus you'll all be wearing Nazi uniforms. And you know what? There's Nothing You Can Do To Stop Me.	„
	—Alexreynard's response to a troll.

	“	You can draw porn of the Hindenburg disaster, of anorexic girls, of people vomiting on babies, of Hitler raping a Jew up the nose, of sucking a car's tailpipe, of Papa Smurf ripping out Smurfette's uterus with his teeth, AND IT DOESN'T MAKE YOU A BAD PERSON. Having a thought, no matter what it is, does not make a person good or bad; it's what they choose to do with that thought.	„
	—Alexreynard, the greatest moral philosopher of the Furry Fandom

	“	I wanted everyone here to know that I just went downstairs and took a Crocodile Shit. It was long, bumpy and pointed on both ends.	„
	—Alexreynard

	“	Not unlike an anthropologist living among lower primates to learn their secrets, I occasionally venture to places like 4chan and 7chan. Unholy lands where ignorance runs high and decency is but a figment.	„
	—Alexreynard

	“	I'm furry Rick James, bitch! YIFF YOUR COUCH!!!	„
	—Alexreynard

	“	I came up with a BRAND NEW ANAL SEX EUPHEMISM: 'Bludgeon some fudge'. Use it. NOW!!!	„
	—Alexreynard in sarcasm mode.

	“	If the Care Bears' mission is to help out those in trouble and make sure everyone cares enough to share their feelings, then why didn't they prevent the holocaust?	„
	—Alexreynard

	“	By the way, to any anonymous *chan-tards; I hope you all get treated in real life the same way you treat people online	„
	—SOMEBODY CALL THE WAAAAMBULANCE.

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Alexreynard hates women

Despite the ridiculous number of fetishes he has, there is one thing that has never made Alex's dick hard: pussy. Alexreynard has a deep and abiding loathing for the fairer sex, expressed so elegantly right here. This basically means he is a fag.

But Alex hates no woman more than Soundhound. After Ray Jones got featured here on ED, Alex was very very upset, so much so that he compared getting mocked on the internet to getting raped. Soundhound disagreed with that analogy, and Alex called her an "obstinate cow" and stated that he liked Gadget from "Rescue Rangers" and other cartoon women better than real women because cartoon women "act rationally." In other words, he means that he likes to fantasize about fucking cartoon woman because he can't fuck real woman. Thus began what many consider to be the most epic slapfight in all of Furaffinity's exceptionally gay history.

	“	Wrong, you thick-skulled obstinate cow. You're the only person who's said I equated rape with net harassment. You know why? Because I didn't. I never did that, and the proof is not only on the other journal, I posted it here as well. Listen, if you can't reply to a post by anything other than bringing up the same points I already refuted into the ground, then don't bother writing, okay? If you can insult me with something real, then reply. Otherwise, you sound like a three-year-old. I would love to see you up on a podium in public, arguing the way you do. You would be laughed off the stage and sent home crying with wet pants just like a babyfur. Buy some diapers now and save yourself the trouble.	„
	—He hates babyfurs?! Blasphemy!

But it's not Alex's fault that he hates women! Whenever he's called on out on it, he'll tell you a heart-wrenching story all about how his mom was mean to him as a kid, an experience that has forever soured him on pussy.

Alexreynard totally hates trolls

Alexreynard also hates trolls and especially Anonymous, after they made fun of his butt buddy Ray Jones. He'll fly into a rage whenever he sees anything that smacks of lulz, but his attempts at counter-trolling are generally restricted to weak OMG RANDOM humor so painfully forced that you'll want to kill yourself just to forget them. Of particular note is his Secret Troll Manifesto, an epic monument to unfunny.

Once it's become clear that Alex has been completely owned, often by his own stupidity, he'll switch tactics from his normal tl;dr posts to "JAMES VAN DER BEEK" stonewalling and just declare victory. (Meaning that he'll just start responding with the phrase "JAMES VAN DER BEEK" to anything his opponent says, except to occasionally break character to remind them of how much he's totally pwning them by doing so) If that fails, he'll send in his number one ass-kisser ZephonTsol, who's in the army, so he can totally beat you up if you disagree with Alex's opinions. Better watch out there, boys; this cat has claws! ROWR >:3

Both Alex and Zephon flip out to hilarious effect in this thread, after dramamongers Yiffityspiff and Acorndeer make oh-so-mean comments about how sick fetishes are sick. Alex, blind to even the most obvious trolling, can't stop himself from shitting all over the place, like the whiny faggot he is.

Alexreynard hates criticism

Alexreynard is more than just a shitty artist. He's also a shitty writer! In fact, he is a shitty artist/writer who can't take criticism! Check out Alex's opus How it All Began, a stirring drama about how EVIL MUSTACHE-TWIRLING BUSHITLER AMERIKKKAN HYOOMANS genetically engineer and then oppress furries in comically overblown ways until the furries revolt, destroy hyoomanity, and create idyllic utopia because they are stronger, smarter, and just generally better than hyoomans in every way. Within minutes of posting, Alex was inundated with the usual deluge of knob-slobbing sycophants, but – uh oh! – it looks like one poster didn't like it. Fellow furfag Anticarrot posted an oh-so-scathing response to that story, saying:

	“	I think I've read this story before. In fact, on reflection, I know I have; several times, by several different authors. I never liked it. Never liked the dumbing down of humanity. Or the godlike supremacy of the furries. Or how the world marches exactly in political lockstep with American domestic policy. It's the latter, not the making furries thing, that completely destroys my suspension of disbelief. I've enjoyed a lot of your stories. They made me think. I' was up until 5AM a few days ago reading Summer Vacation of the Living Dead. This one though just made me reach for the back button."	„
	—Cool story bro.

What?! How dare you malign this epic masterpiece of literary genius?! Anti-carrot's comment causes Alex to go insane with rage, posting his usual TL;DR response bawwing about HOW DARE YOU ATTACK MY SENSITIVE GENIUS? Not content with merely crying about it on his own page, Alex had to pursue Anticarrot back to his Furaffinity page to cry some more. When even that failed to salve his wounded ego, Alexreynard resorted to making journal posts comparing the number of times his shit story had been fave'd to the number of times that Anticarrot's shit story had been fave'd, thus essentially bragging about being more popular on the Internet. Good job, Alex. We all know that being popular on a website where underage diaper-wearing furry shitting dick nipples is openly fapped to is sometime to be proud about! A winnar is you!

Alexreynard hates Honesty

Alexreynard becomes enraged whenever a dissenting opinion shows how fucked up he is. In typical furfag manner, he will attempt to sound intelligent in his lengthy and logical arguments against anyone that disagrees with things he likes. He is often trolled mercilessly by other furfags and will claim the honor of being the winner when he begins to ignore any and all logic and reason as to why he's a fucked up piece of shit. He will often pass this off as an attempt to have "trolled the trolls" and will whine to anyone in power when he doesn't get his way like a typical babyfur. He also dislikes people pointing out that his fetishes are clearly disgusting and will immediately jump to the conclusion that if you do not agree with him, you are a simple troll. If you are a simple troll, he will then claim an automatic win because he tries to pass himself off as being smart, logical and sane

Alexreynard tries to be funny in his attempts to defend himself when he is faced with "lies" pointing out just how much of a danger to animals and children he really is. This can be seen here when the other furries try and clean up their websites and give the babyfurs the boot. When he is faced with a logical point that proves he is a sick fuck, he will turn around and say that art with adult gay furries in it is even more disgusting which is proof that if it is not 5 years or younger, it is a boner killer for him and should be removed. Further lulz can be found here when he will try and justify how images of children being fucked are fantastic. Sadly, this often draws his legions of fanatics to laud how intelligent he is which proves that the average furfag is just as sick as he is.

Alexreynard gets butthurt over ED

Alexreynard became butthurt over ED, most definitely because of this article. As usual, he started bawwing about it in his journal to get some attention. His small group of retarded furry fans immediately rushed in and jerked him off. Not satisfied, he made an account on ED under the subtle name of Alex Reynard, which isn't surprising. He proceeded to try and edit this article, making it unfunny and failing miserably.

	“	I don't usually believe in destiny, but has anyone else noticed that Encyclopedia Dramatica shares the same initials as 'erectile dysfunction'?	„
	—Anyone else noticed that AlexReynard shares the same initials as 'Ass Ramming'?

	“	Your lulz are gone now, former ED users. You cannot possibly know the pleasure I derive from imagining what you are going through. It is a satisfaction that goes beyond infinite. ^__^	„
	—Oh wait nevermind.

	“	The reason ED is such a bunch of assholes is because they can't get it up for anything but autopsy photos or 2Girls1Finger.com	„
	—I think ED is a pretty cool guy. eh maeks fun of furfags and doesn't afraid of anything...

	“	Those bastards called Tay Zonday the N word about a dozen times on his page. That's unforgivable. How can anyone possibly hate Tay Zonday!?	„
	—Nerd?

	“	I know. Mine's got dyslexia.	„
	—Alexreynard, talking about his microdick in the same topic.

	“	The fact that all their humor derives from a bunch of memes and catchphrases that are literally years old. And they're supposed to be the freakin' lords of comedy on the internet! Jesus! Borscht belt comics change their act more than Anonymous does!!	„
	—Alexreynard

	“	ED tries its ass off to be offensive and unfunny in that hip, ironic way they all seem to like so much. Calling them that just makes them happy. Calling them lame and stale and boring and toothless and powerless and FUCKING _OLD_ is much more likely to annoy them. :)	„
	—Alexreynard

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Alexreynard Confronts his NEMESIS!

A troll calling herself Widget doc-dropped Alex, causing him to become upset and throw a fit. His attempts to defeat Widget by finding a user on another forum with the same name and denouncing them backfired spectacularly when others rushed to their own Widget's defense and pointed out the logical flaws in his tirade. Routed, he ran back to his hugbox to whine some more and describe his vivid fantasies of Widget being raped by bums. Amazingly his brutality and screaming madly in impotent rage seem to have even surprised some of his "fans".

	“	Have you ever been raped? I ask because I honestly think it'd be the best thing for you. The experience of being forced to surrender completely to someone else's will would provide great humiliation, which is exactly what you need. Name one fucking thing you've done to me. And putting my private info online doesn't count because you've done nothing with it yourself. If you hoped someone else would, then sorry, they haven't. It's been there for months and I haven't seen one single repercussion.	„
	—Alex tempts fate.

The irony of this all is that Alex's special friend Alfador had already effectively doc-dropped him here. When Widget saw this LiveJournal post, she kicked herself for having wasted Intellius search credits on him. With friends like these, who needs enemies!

Fetishes

Alexreynard fails at humor and is revealed to be a fat fuck in the process.

The lair of the beast. Keep your children, pets and plush toys away.

Like any typical furfag, Alexreynard has a bunch of sick fetishes that he feels he needs to share with everybody to draw more attention to himself. These fetishes are both lulzy and disturbing, with some that are even unheard of, proving without a doubt that he is one sick fuck who must have been dropped over 9000 times on the head as a baby. This also proves that furries in general will fuck anything living, dead, or inanimate without prejudice. Rule 36 of the Internets: "No matter what it is, it is somebody's fetish. No exceptions." In this case, there is a lot of them.

Some include the following: Breast Expansion, Herm, Babyfur, Transformation, Macro, Micro, Wheelchairs, Impregnation, Pregnancy, Lactation, Melissophilia, Vorarephilia, Paw, Incest, BDSM, Cheesecake/pinup, Solo Masturbation, Watersports, Tentacles, Oviposition, Cub, Shrinking, Clingwrap, Multiple body parts, Expansion/Inflation, Gore/guro, Snuff, Bestiality, Cross-dressing, Skunk spray, Cybernetics/biomech, Asphyxiation, Knives, Snuffie, Sneezing, Surgery, Spiders/Webbing, Scat, Toilets, Packaged/Shipped, Quicksand, Mudlarking, Scent, Smoking, Age regression, Age progression, Snot, Feminization, Clowns, Cosplay/fursuiting, Diapers, Cock & ball torture, Castration/nullification, Plushies, Rubber, Crush, Feathers, Fisting, WAM, Immobilization/statue, Eproctopilia, Unbirthing, Cock vore, Anal vore, Plants, Mysophilia, Vomit, Toon, Flattening, Sticky stuff, Amputee, Handicap/devotee, Zombies, Masking/unmasking, Balloons, Food play, Laundry, Garbage, Necrophilia, Crush, Piercing, Tickling, Robots, Shoes/Boots, Cast/med fetish, Drowning, Vaginal stuffing, Voyeur, Spanking, Inanimate transformation, Heart porn, Hyperfur, Biting, Conjoined, Vacuumed up, Dildos, Soul vore, Beheading and Melting.