Comfort wipe
The comfort wipe is a very simple mechanical device, invented to solve one of the most pressing issues of our time: How to clean your ass if you have eaten yourself into a corner, and are now unable to use any of your extremities, to reach this very specific region of your body. In short, it is an ass wiping stick for fatties.
Great God in heaven
Yes, this thing exists, and it is the solution for a typical first world (or american!?) problem: Guts and Asses so incredibly enormous that their owners asshole has moved out of range, and the only viable solution has come in the shape of a very expensive piece of plastic ($20 and more) instead of working out, eating less, or jumping from the roof of mc Donalds. In the good old days, fat and british Monarchs like Henry VIII. would employ the sons of higher nobility to serve them as their groom of the stool, and wipe their butts. Despite of the shitty work conditions it was a sought after position, since it allowed for more time to chat with the King. Since getting your ass wiped by some dude was seen as gay, and lazy as fuck, Edward VII. got rid of that office, which means that today every fat bastard, King or Peasant has to hide their inability of anal cleansing, which is the comfort wipe's selling point. There is even a portable, foldable model available, so that you can take it with you if you join a stampede.
Euphemythical
Since people get uncomfortable if you call them out for their fat ass and their inability to reach their own asshole, the comfort wipe is not really openly marketed toward the lard-ridden and the ham-dicapped, but instead to the bedridden, and the handicapped, to pregnant women, to old people, but also to all of us who think that toiletpapper may harm their health. Just take a look at this commercial:
