L. Ron Hubbard
ATTENTION POTENTIAL SCIENTOLOGISTS  This article is part of a series of articles on $cientology and as such, may expose you to confidential materials on subjects such as R-6, Incident 1, Xenu and Body Thetans. If you do not feel like losing your position on the bridge to total freedom, we advise you turn back now. Additionally did you know that all Scientology courses are freely available on the internet WITHOUT being regged?? |
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| I AM THE PROPHET OF GOD! | |
| L. Ron "Xenu" Hubbard | |
| Born | 1911 (age 113) |
| Nationality | Americunt 
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| Occupation | Civil Engineer, Author, Srs Businessman. |
| Religion name | Scientology |
| Preceded by | Joseph Smith |
| Followed by | ??? |
| Current location | Trementina Base, New Mexico, USA |
| Nicknames |
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L. Ron Hubbard (AKA, Lumpy Ron Humpard) a complete cock smoakin' faggot that was a criminally-minded, wife-beating, drug-using, paranoid-schizophrenic, alcoholic, abortionist and satanist with an unhealthy obsession with sailors, who publicly admittedly that he created Scientology just as a means of making money. Which he did. Hubbard performed several abortions on his wife with a coat hanger. This is because he was trying to conceive the "moonchild" or a human infant possessed by the anti-Christ. He performed many satanic rituals on his wife. Hubbard didn't worship Satan, he thought he WAS Satan!
However if you are a brainwashed $cientology then you actually believe he was the savior of mankind, bringing enlightenment to the masses for a nominal fee. If you think that, then you believe that he was a War Hero, a fantastic writer, and the founder of a major religion with thousands of loyal adherents. You also think that the current wave of protests are the work of evil space aliens looking to destroy the world. If you believe all that bullshit then you are a Niacin-eating, dictionary-crying, fake-smile giving complete Douchebag that has severe emotional problems and are totally gullible giving all your money to a cult.
Hubbard hated income taxes with a fury and all his sci-fi stories (e.g. Marcab Confederacy) treated it like the worst thing ever. But which would you rather have: income tax or all the yellow traffic lights reduced to lasting a fifth-second and machines giving everyone automated red-light-running tickets? Hubbard's confirmed violent mental illnesses spawned much of Scientology's criminality. Sometime in the 1940's, Ronnie was diagnosed by at least 2 professionals, as being paranoid, and schizophrenic.
The Early Years
Lafayette Ronald Hubbard (Known as Ronnie-winkle to Mrs. Hubbard who looked in her cupboard and saw her son fucking a child.), was born at least 100 years ago in beautiful Kansas City into an ultra - orthodox Hasidic Jewish family. His parents later moved with young LRH to even more beautiful Wyoming. LRH proved to have a very active imagination - fostered by the fact that there's nothing to do in all of Wyoming except horse-on-man lovin'. According to LRH's various original biographies, by the time LRH began school, he had become a successful cowboy, a world class fighter, a literary scholar, a nun, and a member of the local Indian tribe. Beat that Jesus, you fucking twink.
Lolfail's family moved to Washington when L. Ron was 10. Soon after, a young L. Ron joined the ranks of proud Eagle Scouts like Fred Phelps, Charles Whitman, and Sam Walton. Or maybe he didn't. The Boy Scouts have no record of him doing this, but this is probably just a part of a huge conspiracy to hide the truth.
College and Becoming A War Hero
L. Ron enrolled in an engineering program at George Washington University. In a little over two years he managed to earn Ds and Fs in about half of his classes. However, this didn't stop L. Ron.
Oh, wait, yeah it did. LRH, looking to do something patriotic for his country, joined the Naval Reserves in 1941. According to L. Ron, when Pearl Harbor happened he was fighting off Japanese invaders in Java - where he was wounded and earned a Purple Heart, the first one earned in the whole of WWII. According to Navy records, L. Ron Was in Jew York City on December 7th, demonstrating that L. Ron's biographers should really learn to use Google. Or maybe Hubbard was fighting for the Japanese, making him in fact the ultimate weeaboo!
You're a sap, Mr. Jap!
L. Ron's military achievements look a lot like every known EDiot's genitalia: long and distinguished. LRH's first command assignment lasted a grand total of one exercise before the Naval evaluator assigned to LRH declared "FGSFDS!!" and stripped it away from him. L. Ron's second naval assignment didn't last much longer. On the very first day he got command of the boat, L. Ron swore he found a Japanese submarine off the coast of Oregon. LRH, sensing an opportunity for eternal glory launched every single piece of munitions he had into the prowling enemy. Then, wanting to share the glory, LRH called for /b/lackup in the form of four more boats and two blimps. The reinforcements confirmed that:
- There wasn't any wreckage anywhere.
- LRH had "found" the subs over a magnetic anomaly that might be confused for submarines.
- LRH was a fucking noob.
- LRH was missing half his brain.
LRH later talked about the incident to Scifags:
Coronado Incident
A month later, with one flawless victory under his belt, LRH decided to take his scurvy dogs out for some target shooting. Unfortunately for LRH, he chose to anchor in Mexican territorial waters and use land owned by Mexico and inhabited by Mexico as his intended target. This caused an international situation akin to The Great Em/b/assy Security Leak of 2007. Had LRH simply consulted a fucking map he might have avoided shelling an allied nation. The Navy, now notably pissed, invoked the banhammer upon L. Ron and took away his boat. Habeeb it. LRH didn't quit, despite a wealth of evidence that he should. On his next assignment, he uncovered a terrorist plot to destroy the boat, finding a Molotov cocktail in the hold. The captain politely listened to Hubbard and told him to get the fuck back into the kitchen where he belonged.
LRH's other career highlights included:
- Collecting government money for injuries even after he claimed to become a disease-free thetan-clear $cientology.
- Seeking psychiatric help for depression.
- Claiming to have earned 21 separate medals, when he had earned only 6.
- Also claimed to have earned medals the navy doesn't even award. Whoops.
- Being arrested for check fraud.
- Writing the Party Van for help fighting Communism spies who were framing him. This earned him a special "Fucking crazy" gold star in his FBI file.
- Graduating solidly in the bottom half of all his training classes.
- Single-handedly inventing, building and launching The Hubbard Telescope.
Fighting Witches
Somewhere in between defeating the Japanese and saving America, LRH must have obtained his degree in the Defense against the Dark Arts. The government - noting his amazing performance in WWII - hired him to infiltrate the cult known as the Agape Lodge. L. Ron was to square off against some uber-leet witches associated with crackpot jerkoff Aleister Crowley. In reality, Hubbard probably met Parsons because Parsons was active in the local Science Fiction scene. Hubbard would later plagiarize the shit out of the group when forming the mystical part of his own cult...er...religion. Hubbard sank the Lodge by convincing the lodge's master, the completely burnt out Jack Parsons to give him his money and his boat. Parsons was like L. Ron minus the bullshit. He actually was a genius of sorts, helping to create the Jet Propulsion Lab in Pasadena and developing several types of fuel later used in the space race. Parsons really liked acid, though, so the genius was dampened a little bit. LRH and Parsons hit it off rather well at first, working together on concepts of space and time later perfected by the minds behind the Time Cube. Parsons and LRH went out into the desert to invoke the spirit of Babalon into manifestation, and LRH served as the seer, receiving the vision and communicating it to Parsons. This eventually lead to Parsons declaring himself to be the Antichrist and suffering a general nervous breakdown. LRH ended up taking most of Parson's money and Parson's one time girlfriend. Crowley laughed off the loss, as he was already rich as hell anyway. However, Crowley had called L. Ron Hubbard out in correspondence with the lodge, labeling LRH a con artist. L. Ron, however, was set on course to found his own religion. Agape lodge had lots of drugs floating around it and interesting sexual arrangements, reportedly including an act of bestiality that was filmed by the members and possible incest between Parsons and his mother.
Dianetics and $cientology
By the early 1950s, LRH had developed a new system of religion. Cribbed mostly from the work of Crowley, Parsons, and other science fiction writers, he developed a new theory on human behavior known as Dianetics. This astounding new theory was first published in the most respected journal of religion available at this time: Astounding Science Fiction.
Despite harsh criticism from both religious leaders and science fiction writers, L. Ron developed his theory into a religion. At the core was a bunch of TL;DR theories regarding flying saucers, little green men, tax collectors, and evil psychologists. Truthfully, who the fuck cares? LRH was the real draw. Charming, enigmatic, and a habitual liar, LRH made his religion look like the most cutting-edge philosophy in Beat Era America. LRH started earning money hand over fist, earning hundreds of million dollars in the span of a few short years.
LRH didn't have one thing he really needed at this point: tax exemption. The IRS came a knocking one day, looking for their cut of LRH's mounting wealth. LRH responded by taking the core of his church and moving them onto a cruise ship, thus founding the Sea Org. He patrolled the open seas, expanding his horizons and fucking the children of his brainwashed minions. Also, since LRH was now an enlightened being, he didn't need to see doctors anymore. His health spiraled out of control. He smoked opium and abused the same psychoactive drugs he prohibited his own adherents from using. His absolutely fucked up condition eventually drove him back to land. But the damage was done. Towards the end years of L. Ron Hubbard's life, he was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia, and psychotic delusions. When Hubbard was made aware of his mental state, he begged the Veterans Administration for help. When this request was denied, he developed a violent hatred for psychiatry. When Hubbard's insanity worsened, because of his insanity, he wrote the violent criminal and murderous scriptures and guidelines for Scientology bosses and executives, such as the fair game policy, and auditing process R2-45 (SP is to be shot with two rounds from a 45 caliber revolver). Which spawned most, if not all of the churches criminality and often violent criminal and fraudulent nature. According to Hubbard's secret scriptures, Scientology was created #1 to make money from it's victims, and #2 to "obliterate" psychiatry.
Death
L. Ron lived on in a drug-addled haze for about another decade. Probably the best example of how people felt about him was in the way they treated his death. His second in command by this point, David Miscarriage, delivered a tearful eulogy two days after his death:
—David Miscarriage, sucking some dead man cock. | ||
According to Scientologists, Hubbard is living his life on another planet.
—Wikipedia, a place where you can make up anything and get it accepted as a fact. | ||
The coroner, on the other hand, noted that Hubbard was "unkempt" in appearance with long, overgrown toenails and fingernails. They also found multiple needle marks on his ass, covered by a band-aid, not to mention the dose of anti-anxiety drug in his system. The Co$, eager for the truth, promptly blocked any autopsy and cremated the body before any further investigation could be performed. After briefly coming back as Stan Marsh it is now widely believed that L. Ron's soul is trapped in Xenu's closet.
Fun quotes
Uh oh, Ron
Ron's son, Ron DeWolf, talks about some serious business.
Part 1:
Part 2:
Part 3:
MySpace Resurrection
The scam goes on...in MySpace:
Gallery
See Also
- Jameth
- Bullshit
- Deus Ex Machina His books rely heavily on this.
- Leah Remini
- Psychiatrists
- Placentafag
- PROJECT CHANOLOGY
- Liar
- Harlan_Ellison
 L. Ron Hubbard is part of a series on $cientology
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