Morrowind
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STOP. You cannot escape the righteous! |
Morrowind is a truly ancient RPG developed by Bethesda Softworks, a truly shitty company. It contains the standard sword and sorcery fare, with elves, orcs, and a protagonist who alone possesses the power to save the world from certain doom. With Roll the Dice Gameplay, broken enemy spawns, shitty level up systems, and more, It's totally not a cliché game, we swear!
Creative Writing 99
The player arrives in Vvardenfel as an amnesiac prisoner, only to be immediately released so that he might perform a vital and far reaching task for his one time captors. Gameplay wise, no one seems to be aware of any potential conflict of interest. "Get out of your filthy cell and save our asses," would seem to be the standard modus operandi for the Empire, which happens to rule the known world. This main quest is stunningly short, essentially requiring the player to nose around a bit, befriend some ignorant savages, and kill a purple, pro-ana, half naked demigod bearing a faggy mask and red loincloth. I can only assume that Bethesda's writers have been showered with awards and all the buttsex they could ever desire thanks to their truly remarkable literary triumphs.
Character Creation
Just like all Elder Scrolls game's, the player starts off the boat with the ability to create a unique and original character. The player is given ten races to choose from, Four humans, Three elves, orcs, Khajiit, and Argonians.
- Altmer: Altmer (or High Elves, if you are a filthy Casual) are smug faggots who love to sit around and smell their golden farts. Their major Skills deal with shooting pixie dust out of their ass cheeks. They have a boost in magicka, but every fucking attack kills you instantly.
- Argonians: Bethesda loves to harbor the attention of any fandom they can get, so why not get scalies excited to buy the games as well? Argonians are a bunch of tribal Lizards who serve as slaves for the glorious Dunmer master race. Because they live in Blackmarsh, Morrowind's septic tank, Argonians have a resistance to diseases and poisons. Their overpowered daily power is the ability to breath underwater (so fucking useful, amarite guise?). Like said before, only useful as slaves.
- Bosmer: Tree hugging, Legolas wannabe faggots. Bosmer are characters that, like most of the races, are forced to stick to one class type. They excel in archery, sneaking, light armor, acrobatics, and being prancing faggots. But anything else beyond hopping around like a homosexual toad taking it in the ass will result in getting yourself killed. The First Bosmer you see, named Fargoth, creeps on you and begs you to give him a fucking ring. Bosmer are only fun until you realize that they are the shittiest race in the game, only to be outed by the Imperials.
- Bretons: in a shitty attempt to make a mage based human, Bretons are the first candidates out of the Chocolate factory to fill the role. Bretons are nothing more than useful human wizards. Like Bosmers, Bretons are another middle tier race that never gets played because of their uselessness. Dunmer and Altmer prove to be far better mages than Bretons, and Bretons have nothing to prove their worth. The only thing that makes a Breton useful is the fact that unlike Altmer, Bretons can actually take more than one hit from an attack. Their special daily power is Dragonskin, which means that magic does jack shit to them.
- Dunmer: The homeland team itself, the most Overpowered race in the entire game. These Muthsera's can wipe the floor with your ass. They specialize in Destruction, mysticism, long blade, short blade, athletics, and marksman. They get bonuses in everything and trump every other class. You can be whatever class type you want and be another at the same time. In general, these fuckers are the shit. Their daily power is the ability to not get hit by anything for a short period of time. Fuck all other classes, just pick this one and win the game.
- Imperials: The shittiest of the shit races, Imperials are probably the biggest failures in existence and the biggest disappointments to Todd Howard. Their stats consist of good speech and mercantile. Their daily power is using the emperor's voice to calm their enemies. These fuckers are so weak, their daily power makes their enemies realize that they are not worth trying to kill. They offer no good gameplay and are never used.
- Khajiit: In order to make sure that their game would sell, Bethesda Softworks sold out like a blight infested whore to the furry fandom in the most disgusting way possible. Khajiit are nothing more than Thieving jews out to get your jew-septims. Khajiit have acrobatic skills equal to a nigger's, lockpicking skills equal to a nigger's, and are also the second most common slave in Morrowind just like niggers. If anything, Khajiit are just niggers for furries. But wait, THERE'S Moar!!1one!! Khajiit come from the deserts of Elswyer, making Khajiit filthy sand niggers. Once again, a semi-terrible class being added up into a shit class.
- Nords: The second best class in the entire game. Unlike all other classes, nords are the only human class that can blow through the game's MQ like a land whale blows through a mcdonalds restaurant. They are skilled in all weapon types, both heavy and medium armor, are 100% resistant to frost attacks, 50% resistant to shock attacks, and will sparta kick any faggot who messes with them. With a little easy leveling up, the right gear, and some farming, your nord can walk through damage like he was walking through a land of boobs slapping him in the face in sync to the beat of Moonlight Sonata 3. They pretty much are no different than Dunmer except that nords take a little bit longer to level into god Tier. The only downside to this class is if you played Skyrim before Morrowind and chose this class, you're a filthy casual. If you chose this class and played Morrowind before ever hearing about The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, you are a pretty cool guy.
- Orcs: as if orcs weren't nasty enough, the Lore of the Elder Scrolls says that the Orcs were literally made of shit. not an ED joke, literally made of shit!!! They specialize in blocking, basic weapons, and being ruff and tuff. Their daily power is the ability to do over 9000 damage, but can get knocked down by a single blow. They are just another shit tier class you don't play because no one likes being an orc.
- Redguard: From the mountains of Hammerfell come the REAL niggers of Morrowind. Not to be confused with the Brazil Bretons, Redguards are another human warrior class that is easily beaten by the Nords. Ironically, there are no Redguard slaves in Morrowind, but that doesn't mean you don't kill them on site. They specialize in long blade, Blunts, and of course Athletics. Their daily power allows them to run even faster. This class is even weaker than the Orcs so it's a race no one plays as. Completely forgettable and easily mistaken for the Bretons.
Power Level
Morrowind, like all good RPGs, have a set of skills and attributes that define your character's abilities. Thankfully, Bethesda decided it was time to make a Stat System that wasn't just copypasta of every other character stat system. Unlike every other game in existence, Morrowind has 8 Attributes and 27 FUCKING SKILLS!!! Along with that, each attribute effects the over all effectiveness of the skills. The skills include:
| Acrobatics: Acrobatics is the skill of being able to jump high. Completely fucking useless as you don't jump a whole lot. Its real purpose was to help keep the leveling system from being boring as fuck by rewarding players for hopping around like dumbasses trying to get up a hill. |
Athletics: Athletics is another useless skill that governs how fast your character runs and swims. The innate skill of Mexico and niggers. |
| *Alchemy: The most game breaking skill of all, Alchemy is the ability to make potions out of random shit. The process includes grabbing pure ebony, glass, ash piles, and Corpus skin to heal your magicka. This is the only skill someone needs if they want to win the game. Potion effects can stack, allowing players to reach butt-rapingly high levels. This leads to massive abuse of the skill, allowing players to gain stats like 500 strength, 200 intelligence, and so much more. |
Armorer: Armorer is the ability to repair things with repair hammers. Not choosing this skill to be a major skill results in the player wasting lots of septims on other people to repair your shit. Not making this skill a major skill results in the perfect display of you being a massive, over-blown, cock-headed retard. |
| Axe: Axe is another Specific as fuck Skill that no one gives a fuck about. Axes are usually two handed which means you can't carry a shield to protect your sorry ass cheeks. The reason behind making a single weapon an entire skill on its own is beyond anyone's cognitive reasoning. It would've saved time and leveling if they just put it into blunts or blades. The range of an axe is short as Your Dick, and the weight of an axe is equivalent to a social justice warritard crying "Fat shaming!!!" whilst eating a pound cake. In other words, you either carry an axe, or you don't act like a fucktard and you grab something else. |
Blunt Weapons: Blunt weapons are an array of big, bulky weapons designed to smash in someone's skull. These weapons do a lot more damage than Axes or swords, at the trade off of being heavy as fuck. Another thing Bethesda fucked up with was that they put staffs in the category of blunt weapons, rather than putting them with spears and fucking calling the skill "Staves". Remember how The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion made a staff shoot magic? Not here, staffs are blunt weapons that shoot no pixie dust Unlike the axes, this shit can actually be useful against enemies. Their conditioning is better, the damage is better, and you can hold a fucking shield if you want. |
| Block: Blocking is a skill and gameplay mechanic that is supposed to stop enemies from forcefully penetrating your rectum, urethra, ovaries, or any other genitals you have. But because of Bethesda's genius dice-rolling system, the chances of a successful block are 1:shit. It isn't until you miraculously farm your way to 100 Block where your chances of a successful block are at least 100%, but getting there takes a bajillion fucking hours because blocking rarely happens. |
Conjuration: Conjuration is the Skilldo of Wiccans. It has everything to do with using your hands to jack off your magicka penis until you squirt Atronach Sperm or other shit. Usually, you conjure atronachs. Atronachs are shit because they only govern one of three elements: fire, ice, and electricity. Seeing as you are playing either a Dunmer or a Nord (if you are not, then delete your fucking character and start over, chucklenuts), you are resistant to the elements, so they don't do shit. You can also conjure up daedra to go around and fuck shit up. The only problem with this is that the guards are scared shitless of daedra, and are afraid the daedra will baleet their sorry asses. Conjuring daedra results in the guards attacking you. But it's even worse because your daedra don't come in to save your sorry ass until you've actually been attacked, which means that the guards are the sole cause of the daedra going zerg rush on everyone's ass cheeks. In the end, faulty AI fucks everything. You can also conjure up a shit ton of armor, but if you weren't wearing armor in the first place, you are retarded. |
| Destruction: Destruction is the only type of magic (besides Restoration) that mages will spam in your face until you are sick of it. With this, you can use pixie dust to shoot fireballs, ice balls, shock balls, drain health/magicka/stamina, damage health/stamina/magicka/skills/attributes, poison balls, and other shit like that. It's really just the mage's arsenal of kick-assery. The thing that makes this form of combat shit, like all other magic, is the Roll the Dice mechanic. Most spells suck away your magicka much like a Jews sucks the money out of a cash cow's udders. Not only do these spells cost a lot, but most of the time, you fail to cast the spell, resulting in nothing happening. As if that wasn't enough, you usually have a very low amount of magicka to begin with, and magicka doesn't regenerate unless you sleep or take potions. It takes fucking forever to farm but when you finally hit the difficulty curve, shit gets laughably easy. |
Enchant: Alchemy 2: Electric Boogaloo. If you weren't tired of blasting and hacking away fucking everything in your sites, then Enchanting is the thing for you. Enchanting is similar to alchemy only it covers more shit and allows you to permanently boost your stats. It's simple, grab a soul gem, grab an item, get a soul, choose the enchantments you want, and smash that shit together. The actual calculations to enchanting shit is complex as fuck, and the manual on enchanting is tl;dr. So instead of wasting your time reading on how to do it properly, just put in a realistic amount of enchantment and hope to the Divines that you're doing it right. Like everything else, there is a small chance you'll successfully enchant the your object, but that never fucking happens unless you took a shit ton of potions of fortify luck and intelligence, and you have an enchanting skill of 100. |
| Hand2Hand As if Bethesda couldn't create a more broken aspect of a game, they decided to implement their favorite past time as a combat skill. Any Elder Scrolls fan will tell you that H2H combat is gloriously fun. But the reality is that H2H is not fun and your TESfan buddy would think watching paint dry would be more entertaining. H2H combat is notoriously fucked up, weak, and all around a waste of time. Instead of throwing fists around at super sonic speeds and pulverizing your enemy, Morrowind takes the artard's route. Punching a cliff racer in the face does not actually damage the health, but instead damages the stamina. After the enemy loses all his stamina, he falls to the ground, pelvic thrusting the dirt until he gets back up... only to get punched again resulting in falling back down. So instead of having well-paced combat, the player spends at least 100 minutes trying to punch a flying pterodactyl in the face, waiting for it to fall to the ground only to waste another bajillion fucking hours trying to take out its health. Should be avoided at all times. |
Heavy Armor Plain and simple as it is. Heavy Armor is the skill of Strong, Burly Tanks. The leveling is pretty simple as it requires the player to wear tough armor and take a shit ton of damage like a Gundum. Heavy armor has the highest armor rating, which means taking all that damage doesn't really affect you. The only drawback is that it weighs a shit ton, forcing players to carry less items in order to compensate for their armor rating. If you aren't wearing this, or this isn't a major skill, then maybe its time to consider getting off the computer and taking a shower or something of the like. |
| Illusion Another useless school of spells that no one uses. The entire list of spells consists of stuff like Blind, Demoralize, Frenzy, Calm, Chameleon, Invisibility, and seeing in the dark. Some argue that Illusion can be one of the most game-breaking skills available, but because of Morrowind's clunky AI, the spells usually cause NPC's to either attack you directly, sit and stand, run infinitely in one direction, or nothing at all. Chameleon spells are ok, but are a bitch to cast if you want ones that have actual effects that work. Invisibility is a shitty version of Chameleon since interacting with anything causes the invisibility to wear off. Light spells only work if you cast them on an actual NPC, so its entirely useless. Night Eye is the only thing you'll use here since it acts like wearing Night vision goggles. |
Light Armor The exact same thing as heavy armor only it isn't as tough and it doesn't weigh over 9000 pounds. Usually the armor rating is pretty shit, and the conditioning on it is really bad, as well. Its good to use for sneaking, but that would imply sneaking is good and balanced in the game...which it isn't. |
| Long Blade The "go to" skill of all warriors. Long blades are swords that have decent damage and long reach, allowing the player to attack enemies that are a little bit farther away. There are two types of long blade, one-handed and two-handed. |
The Land That Debugging Forgot
Just like every fucking other game shat from Todd Howard's unhallowed bowels, Morrowind is passed around programming classes to show everyone how you don't code. These glitches, bugs, and other abortions of design range from unintentionally hilarious to utterly game breaking. The former includes animation, for which Bethesda is infamous, and Morrowind is their most blatant offender. Walking looks like some nigger is trying to pull off a crazy dougie, while running bears more than a passing resemblance to an aspie flinging his limbs about in a vain attempt to complete a marathon. The latter includes broken quests, broken balance, broken gameplay... essentially, anything that could possibly be broken. These bugs are so pervasive that a comprehensive patch mod failed to fix many of them, requiring an overhaul of the executable file. Yet again, it's tough shit for Steam users, as their executables can't be modified.
BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE!
There are two more races, unfit for polite discussion. Argonians are lizardmen, perfect for scalies. By far, however, the most reviled race is the Khajiit, anthropomorphic cats. In a cruel twist of fate, Bethesda decided to include furries rather than catgirls. You can give thanks to BASED GOD that there are no humanoid wolves or foxes to be found. The game is so dedicated to its furry fanbase that the only "romance" quest involves a female Khajiit. Obviously, Bethesda had no idea that all furries are cock hungry faggots.
Money, Honor, and FUCK YOU
So, you've rolled your furry character, ready to rape anything that moves... but the guards consistently hand you your ass on a platter. What to do? You need a power base, and that's where the Great Houses come in. House Hlaalu is concerned with money above all else, and they would kill their mothers and rape their corpses to get a taste of some precious drakes. House Redoran holds honor above all else, to the point that they humbly dwell in the enormous, chitinous carcass of a colossal crab in the middle of a wasteland. House Telvanni doesn't really give a shit about much of anything unless you try to fuck them over. They are the only Vvardenfel house to openly own and trade slaves (buy a nigger for yourself, if you'd like), and the Mage Lords are perfectly content to sit at the top of their mushroom towers and contemplate the finer points of life for thousands of years. You can join any of these houses and rise to the top, even if you're a furry... yet another bug, I would assume.
Mods
Morrowind is shipped with a Construction Set so n00b friendly that it allows even the unwashed masses who've never heard of Computer Science III to create mods. These typically fall into the categories of nude body replacers, sex slave merchants, and lots of pretty, pretty dresses for sweet, innocent princesses. The rare exceptions to these are mods intended to clean up Bethesda's half finished game, fixing broken quests, fixing broken skill progression, fixing CTDs, and pretty much anything else that could have possibly gone wrong in development. A few of the more intrepid coders attempted to create a mod that would wipe Todd Howard's ass, seeing as he can't do it himself without breaking his toilet.
See Also
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