Programming

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Programming is a form of magick practised by nerds and hackers. It is just sequence, decision, and repetition

On Control Structures Used By Programmers

Bill Gates Revelation. Shit happens...

Windows Control Structures

One control structure used by programmers, particularly Microsoft is a sort of brain sucking device. This device makes it impossible for users to use any products but Windows and makes them incapable of using more sensible operating systems such as Linux. This brain sucking device is linked to the hard drives and to maintain control, the arm reading the disks simply detaches itself from the disks and extends to assault the mind of the user via the ear. This however, means that the arm is not reading from the disks and causes the dreaded Blue Screen. Bill Gates for the most part is immune to the effects of the arm, but rebellious programmers in his basement have been known to temporarily disable his immunity, hence why he was once subject to the effects of Blue Screen during a presentation. The mechanical arm is never noticed by onlookers because its extension causes it to become thinner and thinner as it reaches, making it microns thick and invisible to the naked eye. In its early days, it was a little thicker, causing damage to the ears and this is why the elderly have deteriorated hearing. Not using Microsoft allows the brain to regenerate slightly but long use of it may make the damage permanent.

Apple Control Structures

A control structure used by programmers of Macs is propaganda. If it weren't for the fact that they stole Microsoft's brain sucking device, calling it Boot Camp (Proving the anti-gay stance of Macintosh) and they get viruses less often, they would not have any users. Mac propaganda is why people think they get less viruses. The actual reason Macs get less viruses is that no-one could be bothered to make viruses for them and even if they did, they probably wouldn't work because Macs can't run anything. The reason hackers cannot be bothered to make viruses for Macs is because so few people have them and they'd much rather spend their time looking up strange pictures using Google. Apple users are crazy. They can be easily recognized by the small Apple logo on their left palms. If encountered, by no means steer them to the edge of the room. If placed near the edge of the room, ensure that you are in an underground cement bunker as the mere mention, let alone sight of windows are likely to cause them to froth at the mouth and throw mutated, half bitten apples through them.

Lunix Control Structures

A control structure almost exclusively used by Linux programmers is binary hypnotism. Binary hypnotism is the use of ones and zeroes to make some sort of sense. Linux users actually believe this makes sense as the penguin tells them so. Binary hypnotism works on Greater Windows and Mac users as well, but this soon converts them to the ways of Linux. Linux users, once hypnotized, require a daily dose of monitor rays that is first filtered through the Mother Linux. The Mother Linux is a pregnant penguin and the mother of all Minor penguins that hypnotise Linux users. She is a matriarch bent on controlling the world but has the one obstacle of being only able to speak in binary, meaning that the minor penguins, who speak decimal as well, can translate and attempt to make user manuals for businesses and user friendly Linux products. They haven't succeeded yet. The Mother Linux, however is using those hypnotized by the penguins but yet again is stopped by the fact that those that are hypnotized don't talk to real people anyway. This is why penguins still live in Antarctica.

Quick note on Linux users

Linux user base is known to consist of poor white people who eat fried peas and listen to Nickleback (some have taken to newer musical trends, such as the songs Nyan Cat and "The Real Linux Torvalds"). If a male who does not use vim (or Sublime 2) as his primary text editor is encountered you will have a hell of a time keeping your dick dry as the faggy linux user tries to wrestle your PicRD out of your jeans and into his curry smelling mouth. (Linux user blowjobs burn because they all smoke newport cigarettes which makes their saliva acidic)

Straight Linux Users

Straight Linux users consist of all that use vim; gedit is for pussies.

Female Linux Users

Female Linux users are most commonly seen as a result of severe drug abuse by male Linux users. The "Linux user" species maintains a low population due to a very unbalanced male to female ratio.

Straight Female Linux Users

This takes "severe drug abuse" to an entire new level. If you see a Straight Female Linux user, you should ask yourself the following questions to ensure you are not severely intoxicated:

• Does the sighting have any physical defects?
• Does the sighting only use Linux as result of Linux user parents?
• Does the sighting still use MSN / Windows Live?

If you answered no to any of these, you should contact your doctor immediately.

How to represent these control structures in psuedocode

Windows

BEGIN
If User has Brain THEN
ACTIVATE Drive.
BLUE SCREEN!
Brain = Brain - 1
BLUE SCREEN!
END OF WORLD

Apple

BEGIN? We don't know! At least this stuff works.
Yes I know there's nothing there, but it works.
I have a plan! Let's take what doesn't work, and try to make it work. Bad idea.
BLUE SCREEN!
END OF BRAIN

Lunix

1010111010100110101
110010101010
1010101                               'Mother Penguin Roar
1010101
10101                               'Distribution of monitor rays
110101101010
0101010100010101
101010101010                         'Check if anything makes sense, which it doesn't.
110

Internets

//Both people are represented by an abstract class
public abstract class Person
{
  public bool StrangersToLove { get; set; }
  public bool KnowTheRules { get; set; }
}

//Rick Astley's possible thoughts
public enum Thought
{
  FullCommitment
}

//Rick class 
public sealed class Me : Person
{
  public Thought Thinking()
  {
    return Thought.FullCommitment;
  }
}

//The target of Rick's song, notice that GetThought() can only be called by passing in an instance of Rick
//which satisfies that she can't get this from any other guy
public class You : Person
{
  private Thought whatHeIsThinking;
  public void GetThought(Me guy)
  {
   whatHeIsThinking = guy.Thinking();
  }
}

class Program
{
  //The first verse
  static void Main(string[] args)
  {

    var Rick = new Me() { KnowTheRules = true, StrangersToLove = false };

    var Girl = new You() { KnowTheRules = true, StrangersToLove = false };

   Girl.GetThought(Rick); 
  }
}

As we can see, Windows removes your brain, Apple addles it then removes it, Lunix controls it, and Interbutts owns it. Computer are lovely things really.

External links

• "Programming Sucks"
• Parsing HTML with Regular expressions?

Programming is part of a series on Portal:Softwarez Visit the Softwarez Portal for complete coverage.