Xiaolin Showdown
Xiaolin Showdown is a racist cartoon show about some kids that have to gather Dragonballs to save the world from over 9,000 years of darkness. They also have to collect magical artifacts called Shen Gong Wu, but who gives a flying fuck about those things? Nobody, that's who!
Good Guys
Omi
The main character, at center stage in this pile of shit. He has cancer (hence the yellow skin), is a gook, is electronically retarded, socially retarded, and retarded. He has a large yellow head with nine dots someone drilled into his head for anti-depression voodoo bullshit or something. His mom died from giving birth to him and his father died of AIDs, leaving Omi an emo orphan that will grow up only to kill himself. Oh, and his power is water. His favourite Shen Gong Wu is the Orb of Toonami, which crushes opponents underneath a wave of badly dubbed anime.
Raimundo
A Mexican Jew from Africa. He enjoys not doing nearly as much work as everyone else on the team while expecting an equal amount of praise, just like a real Mexican Brazilian. When he gets on his period, he joins the bad guys and fucks up the entire planet but good in exchange for an arcade full of outdated games. When his period is over, he stops his shit and saves everybody, becoming the hero of the episode when it was HIM that fucked up everything in the first place. He is an attention whore, an asshole, and at the end of the series IT IS HE THAT BECOMES THE XIAOLIN DRAGON. OH FUCK, A SPOILER. His combat skills are occasionally impeded by the fact that HE DOES NOT HAVE A NECK. His power is wind because he eats tacos and burritos and sleeps all the time. His favourite Shen Gong Wu is the Sword of Storm, which summons a character from a superior cartoon action series to do his work for him.
Kimiko
A stupid whore from Tokyo and is every loli-pedophile's dream; a rich bitch, changes her fucking hair and outfit all the time, and has all the fucking Asian technology a fat fuck like you could ever imagine and never have. Her power is fire because she has chronic arsonism and PMS, so she lights her tampons on fire as weapons. Her favourite Shen Gong Wu is the Star Wasabi, which she shoves up her pussy and then queefs out fire.
Clay
A 31 year-old cowboy who took one too many hooves to the skull and now hangs out with a bunch of annoying children and their pet lizard. He likes to rape the shit out of Raimundo and Jack Spicer (a faux gothic schizo). He has Down Syndrome, is from Texas where everybody is fucking retarded, his power is Earth because he is a fat fuck (like you), and nobody likes him because he fucks everything up on a daily basis (also like you.) He is son of George W. Bush and is George W. Bush's brother too. His favourite Shen Gong Wu is the Fist of ManyDongs, with which he fistfucks his opponents into submission.
For some reason everyone on DevianTart is trying to get in bed with him.
The Bad Guys
Jack Spicer
The most pathetic retard you'll ever see in this fucking show. He is whiny and has AIDS. He tries to be evil but fails, and he even fails at life and couldn't kill himself if he tried. He builds robots, but he builds them wrong and they all end up raping him...everywhere. Nobody can tell whether Jack is a boy or girl, but he fucking screams a lot. He looks a lot like that faggy Mexican Jhonen Vasquez, and is also a meme on 4chan mainly because he is just as pathetic as those other fat fucks that live in their parent's basement as he does.
Jack Spicer's power is heart, which the good guys willingly gave him in a clear and blatant attempt to mock him. Jack cried.
Ghost Wuya
An annoying dead crack whore with a voice like a chainsaw. Looking like a puff of marijuana smoke from the 1930's that got hold of a theater mask and stole your grandmother's voice, Wuya was supposed to be the most dangerous villainess in the series. This indicates that the good guys in this show are less of a force to be reckoned with than Pac-Man.
Wuya's power is omitted for the sake of clarity.
Wuya (human form)
A bitchy witch and the only character with any boob in this show (except for the fat fucks and Jack Spicer). Upon getting a human form, Wuya dresses like Elvira, except she doesn't wear any shoes and has hair that looks like a praying mantis egg sack. She is after Shen Gong Wu and makes Jack her personal bitch to retrieve them for her. She never has periods because her eggs were removed at least 100 years ago and so she is suffering from menopause and takes it out on everybody.
At the end of the show, she is defeated when her body is repossessed after her checks to Vampyra begin bouncing.
Human Wuya's power is the closest thing to fanservice American cartoons will approach.
Chase Young
A pedophile that was born at least 100 years ago last Thursday. He is always on his period and can transform into a giant lizard. He loves soup filled with Dragonballs, which means he is constantly after the Xiaolin Apprentice's asses, (whatever the fuck you want that to mean). He wants to have sex with Omi, but as Omi always says, "CAN'T HAVE ANY, YOU SHIT." His presence in the show only makes Jack Spicer look even more pathetic, although there really has to be a bottom to that sort of thing somewhere.
Chase Young's power is having a name like a chain of banks.
Dark Vader
No one gives a fuck-ass flying rat's ass shit about him.
Other Characters Nobody Gives a Fuck About
Jermaine is a black person Jew from Mexico. He lives in the Ghetto, his friends are fucked up, he stole his own bike, and he plays basketball a lot. Oh, and discourages racial stereotypes.
Good Jack, is Jack Spicer's split personality gay side. He tries to help Jack Spicer come out of denial of his true faggotry, but fails and gets raped by everybody.
Katnappe, played by Halle Berry, went bankrupt after that fucking shitty movie of hers failed, and was forced to join Xiaolin Showdown. She steals things and talks/behaves like a 6 year old girl with Autism.
Master Fung is an asshole and bitches at the Xiaolin Apprentices when they are doing it wrong, or when they forget to feed him, or when he can't find his tampons. He's very old, and styles his chest-hairs into a 666 shape. Despite the fact that he teaches the kids, he has no powers and got raped when he tried to fight.
Tubbimura, a fat fuck that cosplays Naruto.
Dojo, grants a wish when all the Dragonballs are collected. He is a Jew who never stops bitching. He can get RLY HUEG and breathe fire but never does it because he's a useless sack of sheep shit.
Vlad, is a fuck from Romania that wants to eat your children.
Hannibal Roy Bean is an evil talking bean from Mexico. No, I'm not kidding. Stop laughing. STFU or he'll get in your head and rape your brain!
Gigi, a giant fucking talking flower from France.
Le Mime, a fucking mime from France. The writers of the show spent a great deal of effort into thinking up his name (see Katnappe)
Yes-bot is a sex toy made by Jack to satiate his hermaphrodite urges, but ends up fucking exploding from failure.
Grand Master Dashi is a Wapanese from the movie Enter the Dragon. Everybody is gay for him; fuck, even I'M gay for him!
Master Monk Guan, a steroid abusing chink who is useless without his magic dildo, which he forfeits to the mini-chink. His name is foreign for "Bat shit".
Swedish Ice Monster, a fucking Swedish Ice Monster.
Jessie Bailey, Clay's sister. Incredibly Jelly at Clay so she became head of the Black Rapists. A texan feminazi biker gang you can become the leader of by defeating them.
Patrick 'Cow Patty' Bailey, Clay's brother. The only one in the family with a skill worth paying for. Also very Jelly; because Clay is just that fucking perfect everyone.
Xiaolin Showdown Dictionary
Xiaolin Side: The Light side consisting of Jesus, Aslan and The Coon.
Heylin Side: The Dark Side filled with evil people, such as Bill O'Reilly and overweight male Sailor Moon cosplayers.
Shen Gong Wu: Ancient sex toys imbued with magic powers because Jesus shoved them up his ass or something. They serve as convenient plot devices.
Dragon (not the stupid lizard, the title): A status achieved by one of the Xiaolin niggers SPOILERS IT'S THE BRAZILIAN CUNT when they've taken so many steroids that their genitals are no longer visible.
List of Episodes
SEASON ONE:
- 1. The Journey of a Thousand Fucks
- 2. Like a Fuck!
- 3. Tangled Shit
- 4. Catwoman
- 5. Shen Yi Boob
- 6. Charmeleon
- 7. Ring of the Nine Drag Queens
- 8. Night of the Raping Dragon
- 9. My Nigga Omi
- 10. Big as Fuck
- 11. Royal Rapefest
- 12. Mala Mala Dong
- 13. In the Ass
SEASON TWO:
- 14. Day's Fuck
- 15. Citadel of Moobs
- 16. The Shit of Lightning
- 17. The Crystal Asses
- 18. Furrytown
- 19. Knocking-up Omi
- 20. Enter the Dragon's Anus
- 21. The Sands of Shit
- 22. Hear Some Niggers, See Some Niggers
- 23. Rapescape
- 24. Master Rapist Juan
- 25. The Pedophile Within
- 26. The Deep Throat
- 27. Screams of the Rape Victim
- 28. The Black Rapists
- 29. The Emperor Scorpion Rapes Jack
- 30. The Return of Furrybubba
- 31. The Last Temptation of the Mexican Jew
- 32. The Year of the Green Niglet
- 33. The Demon Sperm
- 34. The Shit Order
- 35. The Asshole
- 36. It was a Nigga Moment
- 37. Dangerous Cocks
- 38. Kidnapping Omi
- 39. Raping Omi
SEASON THREE:
- 40. Murdering Omi
- 41. Bird of Hell
- 42. The Life and Times of Spic Bean
- 43. Homo Town
- 44. Treasure of a Blind Sandnigger
- 45. All in the Family (with Archie Bunker)
- 46. The Return of Master Rapist Juan
- 47. Congratulations Raimundo!
- 48. Chucky Cheese
- 49. Wu got the Power, then the Money, then the Women
- 50. Mexican Bean's Revenge
- 51. Puffy Daddy's fucking song, Time After Fucking Time
- 52. Puffy Daddy's fucking song, Time After Fucking Time
Kim Jong Wu
- Ants in the Pants
- Black Beetle
- Cum Blaster
- Changing Chopsticks
- Crouching Cougar
- Crystal Glasses
- Vibrator
- Bald Eagle-scope
- Kim Jong Un Scorpion
- Eye of the Demoman
- Falcon's Eye
- White Teenage Girl Sandals
- Fist of Many-Dongs
- Fountain of Yui
- Gills of Hitachi
- Glove of Jizz
- Gold-Plated Middle Finger
- Gold-Plated Tiger Claws
- Heart of the Kim Jongs
- Helmet of the Kim Jongs
- Hoduku Rat
- JetBoot-up-your-arse
- Ju-Ju Flytrap
- Kuzusu Atom Bomb
- Boa Constrictor
- e-peen kite
- Lotus Twister
- Lunar Noose
- Malarian Musca
- Gymastic HAX-Coin
- Madoka Arm
- ESP Conch
- Moby-Dick Morpher
- Kim Jong Un Butterfly
- Nigger Staff
- Katrina Sandals
- Plague of Egypt
- Orb of Toonami
- Reversing Mirror
- Ring of the Nine Dildos
- Rio Reverso
- Ruby of Ramses
- Cosmic Sahara
- Blue Waffle Dragon
- Dick
- Shadow Slicer
- Evangelion Ending Simulator
- Shard of Lightning
- Shen Jarate Wu
- Spy Cloak
- Spider Whip
- Silver Manta Ray
- Jail in a can
- Star Wasabi
- Fusion Ear-rings
- What the Actual Fuck?
- Sword of Storm
- Bondage Comb
- Wanker Sash
- Gun
- Tongue of Saipiss
- Glorified Drill
- Chestplate
- Rainbow Dash
- Magic Weed
- Amnesia in a Helmet
- Over-glorified Armour Helmet
- Orange Portal Gun
- Blue Portal Gun
- Slave Trafficker
The Entire Series in One Sentence
Omi loses, Raimundo wins and becomes ruler of all Asia.
Fact
The little bastards were on a cereal box at one time. They watched you eat to make you feel fat so you can go out and do something with your fucking life. Even that fat fuck Clay was shoop to look thinner to make the fat fucks eating the cereal feel bad.
The Video Game
Has lots of porn, and Clay constantly rapes Raimundo and Jack Spicer.
The Action Figures
Are not your personal dildos to shove up your goatse-sized assholes.
The Cards
Are not your personal dildos to shove up your goatse-sized assholes.
Videos
Are not your personal dildos to...wait. Here are some videos:
A typical scene from Xiaolin Showdown
An actual music video of Xiaolin Showdown that premiered on MTV
An actual clip from a Xiaolin Showdown episode
The fucking spin-off that was created
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Omi
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Raimundo using a huge weapon to overcompensate for something else really small.
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Clay on the right, and George W Bush's wife on the left.
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Jack Spicer at the bottom right.
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Chase Young in his super-powerful lizard form.
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Jermaine being fucking badass.
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Katnappe
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The fucking asshole.
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Dojo
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The REAL Hannibal Roy Bean.
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Gigi will fucking fuck you up.
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Jack Spicer's Yes-Bot
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Pandabubba
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Everybody is gay for Master Dashi!
See Also
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