Old people

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Your grandparents
How one should treat the elderly.

Old people, or irl-Oldfags, are anyone over the age of twenty five. Old people can remember loads of stuff from the past and won't hesitate to lecture you endlessly about shit you already knew or didn't care to know in the first place. At least they say they can remember, but it's possible they're just making shit up. All old people fought in World War II, and so Adolf Hitler impressions provide immediate lulz when in their presence. Some go down the dark path of the Red Hat Cult.

It is a well known fact that all old men and most old women are pedophiles. Proof: Groups like the AARP are run by Jews and pedophiles and have long argued that poor pensioners should be allowed to order low-priced drugs - i.e. Viagra and Cialis for use in raping children - from Soviet Canuckistan.

The word old refers to something that has either happened at least 100 years ago or never happened at all (like the holocaust). Alternatives to using the word old is olde or Aulde. These are commonly used by Goth(Emo) kids, elitist faggots and pseudo-intellectuals.

Old people form the majority of the Republican Party.

You Are Now Old

Let's face it. If you weren't born in the 90s you are now riding the fence towards the other side of young. The young adults today don't like the 1980s, started playing video games with the Nintendo 64 PlayStation 2, get nostalgic over Korn Miley Cyrus and think Pokémon is the greatest show of all time. Didn't think this would happen to you, huh? Luckily, there are many techniques available to ease you into the transition of becoming increasingly decrepit and irrelevant.

You thought it never would happen to you, but it did. You are now old. Your friends are now all old. The celebrities you used to watch and listen to are now super old. You examine yourself in the mirror and see if you have gotten more wrinkles. You also try to smoothly examine your friends and see if they have gotten more wrinkles. You wonder why you ever envied those who were older than yourself? What was there to envy, their wisdom and maturity? This will not happen at age 30, but at age 21, sooner than you can say "Ketchup". You check out hotties and realize they are several years younger than you. The young teenagers you thought were so grand now seem like little girls. What happened?

Facts About Old People

Statistically, old people are in least danger of this man
  • All old people are basically living like it is still the day they turned 35.
  • Those who are older than you want to live their life through yours, because their life history is filled with epic fail.
  • They will reprimand you for doing what they do, and not what they say.
  • They are pathological liars. The only way to solve this problem is to make them binge drink alcohol over a long time period.
  • They like to scoldingly tell off younger generations, but never take their heads out of their own decadent, individualistic and self serving asses.
  • They think they know better than you just because they have wasted more time than you have.
  • They have already lived longer than you are ever going to.

Some Examples Of Old People

Properly respecting your elders. These Scooters are one of the ways these decrepit people get around.
It's generally not a good idea to fuck with old people on the Internet.
This old woman is shocked by your faggotry.
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Old people: are they a fucking nuisance?
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Over 9000 old people have fallen and can't get up.
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Some old people have a disease known as oldcootism.
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Other old people have a much more cheery life, however.
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Typical old man. Incidentally, also the chariman of the GOP.
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Old and on drugs.
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Old people have weird hobbies.

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Why Old People Suck

Get away with shit like this
With their eyesight the way it is, they'll never know what it says.
They'll never notice it because of the dementia anyways...
  • They shit their pants.
  • They think they have every right to drive even though they cause all the accidents (not just in their pants) and can't remember where they parked.
  • They smell because they crap themselves and don't want to take a bath.
  • They complain about everything.
  • They are unemployed retired.
  • They can never hear you (unless it's something you don't want them to hear).
  • They think they know everything because they are older than you.
  • They're more than likely racist.
  • They steal your carts at Wal-Mart.
  • They walk too slow, holding up the line and speaking of lines
  • They tie up the checkout line by paying in pennies (if not coupons), take forever to write a check instead of a credit/debit card, make small talk with the cashier and often uses the 20 items or less checkout lane with a cart full of 50 items.
  • All they want to eat is sugar (esp. the diabetics).
  • Statistically, old people shoplift more than any other social group, but nobody is ever allowed to call them out on their faggotry because they are old and this is impolite.
  • They wear the ugliest clothing known to man.
  • They need to be warm.
  • They can never get warm.
  • They can't see shit.
  • They can't hear shit.
  • They are slower than fuck.
  • They are slobs.
  • They get old people diseases.
  • They're ugly.
  • They have to put gallons of cold cream on to mask their fugliness.
  • They sleep all day.
  • When they don't sleep they hog the TV and watch boring golf or shitty old shows.
  • They are a waste of the taxpayers' money.
  • They're not dead yet.
  • They are lazy as fuck.
  • They can't remember anything from five minutes to the next.
  • They wear pants up to their armpits.
  • They smell funny.
  • They ruin the lives of police officers, nursing home employees and the paramedics.
  • They forget why the fuck they entered a room.
  • They always 'need' your help.
  • They ride on scooters that are actually made for the morbidly obese, this is completely unfair to these fat fucks.
  • They're old.

Some Stuff Old People Claim To Remember

On extremely rare occasions, some old fucks can actually be cool, like Clint Eastwood.

Old people on the Internet

In Soviet Russia, old people hate you!

Old people are incapable of using the internet for anything but email. They rarely actually type emails; instead they forward emails they got from other old people to absolutely everyone they know. Typical contents of old people email forwards:

Ye Olde Gallery


Behold, The Ravages Of Age... About missing Pics
  • Alzheimers: Excuse to act like a nincompoop.

    Alzheimers: Excuse to act like a nincompoop.

  • Old people are known for their mental abilities

    Old people are known for their mental abilities

  • A ravenous pedophile

    A ravenous pedophile

  • This is what you are going to be

    This is what you are going to be

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

Nursing Homes


The typical sort of caring, understanding staff one expects to find in an old folk's home. My personal favorite is the cross-eyed, parrot-haired chap in the middle of the top row.

They are establishments of solace, comfort and hospitality that old people are thrown into against their will by their families when they put a burden on their budget from their huge consumption of Depends and ginger snaps. They usually have pleasant sounding, pastoral names like Sunny Meadows, Shadow Oaks or Soon-To-Die Acres.

Here, they are forced to live in a small room which reeks of fecal matter, piss, Lysol disinfectant and pus-oozing bedsores (the smell is worse on the Alzheimer's unit) at a comfortable temperature of 115 degrees Fahrenheit. They are given half-assed treatment by disinterested nurses that consist of niggers that don't speak any English and fat white trash who wear their hair in a bun so tight it practically scalps them and they are forced to eat a concoction for all meals most likely consisting of the mashed-up corpses of past residents who have died.

Bingo is the main form of entertainment in these places, though half of all participants end up dozing off or kicking the bucket during the game. Popular TV shows in nursing homes include The Golden Girls, Wheel of Fortune, Jeopardy! and The Price Is Right. Visitors consist of the residents' trashy and abusive families telling them the place is lovely when they really know it's a fucking dump and asking what the food is like, sometimes multiple times on the same visit, as they struggle to find things to say to the disgusting wizened creatures before them that were once their parents. Their grandkids would typically sneak off and play Connect the Dots with the bald guys' liver spots.

Things to do when visiting Grandma
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How To Troll Old People

Old is anyone 21 or older. Ancienct is anyone 25 or older.

  • Bring up a major event that occurred at least 30 to 50 years before they were born and then ask them what they did during the time. For example, ask Granny who is 82 years-old how the Civil War was like, or when she remembered the first automobile. Seriously, asking these kind of questions make old folks shit major bricks.
  • Old people feel entitled to scold you because they are older than you. The best response to this is to treat them as if they did not exist.
  • Old people are very gullible due to their dementia. They will believe anything you want them to. For example, play Call of Duty and tell them it's live footage of World War 3.
  • If an old person falls and they are white, call an ambulance for them, but make sure the paramedic is a nigger.
  • When they ask you for something to eat, give them solid food and leave.
  • Talk really softly and when they say they can't hear you, talk slightly louder.
  • Sit where they usually sit. Most old people have a chair they autistically claim as theirs and will be triggered by this.

See Also

With age, comes wisdom

Oldsex

The Final Solution To The Old Problem
Old people
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