Dr. Date Rape

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Jeffrey Marsalis, a true romantic for the 21st century.

In late 2008, a bawwing feminist article brought to light the brave actions of one Jeffrey Marsalis - AKA Dr. Date Rape - who is neither a doctor nor going on very many dates these days, at least not by choice or with the opposite sex. Before he was Party Van then Party Van, "Dr. Date Rape" managed to woo hundreds of women using a strategy based on brilliant logic:

All women are whores
All whores crave money
Therefore, all women must like doctors because doctors have money.

To exactly noone's surprise (except the women, LOL) this worked flawlessly.

I was Raped On a Date Stories

Sheryl, a student, once had a narrow escape with a rape.

	“	I had a very good friend of mine, with whom I used to hang out all the time. We used to occasionally go to his farmhouse an hour away from the city, and have a drink or two. One day, when we were at the farm, he asked me to kiss him. I burst out laughing and told him to shut up. He pestered me for a long time, and finally I told him that I would kiss him just once, and we would forget all about it. I gave him a peck on his lips and then backed away. But he just grabbed me and began running his hands all over my body...	„
	—Date Rape Stories

Let's Learn From The Master

The first thing you need to understand about Marsalis is that he was a very fuckable, good-looking guy. I mean, this dude was handsome. As the prosecution stated, "Look at this adonis of a man. He's hawt. Any woman in her right mind would want to skewer herself on his dick. Hell, I want to fuck him in my ass right now. There's no way this guy couldn't get some willingly, from a woman if he wanted to." Marsalis, unlike you, was not an ugly troll and thus did not "need to rape" to get some. That he was capable of raping so many women due in part to his good looks and charm is a testament to the shallowness of women everywhere. In actuality, this adds to the body of evidence that rape is about lulz, not horniness.

Moving On...

Dr. Date Rape is living proof that all women are asking for it. In point of fact, many of his dates literally asked for it, repeatedly. But don't take our word for it! Their actions speak louder than their accusations:

	“	She was picking at the noodles Marsalis was dishing from a serving plate, trying to muster up her courage to ask: Did you rape me? Then, she says, she blacked out.	„
	—A dumb slut recalling her second date with the good Doctor, after being raped on the first one.

	“	I made the stupidest decision to go out with him that second time!	„
	—Yes. Yes she did.

	“	One 33-year-old woman testified that, after regaining consciousness in Marsalis’s apartment, she discovered his bed was soaked with her menstrual blood, humiliating her; she later FedExed Marsalis a set of sheets.	„
	—Some filthy skank, proving once again that women remaining in the kitchen is best for everyone.

	“	Two of his accusers befriended him. Two others went on to briefly date Marsalis.	„
	—Facebook slut... it just keeps going on like this.

	“	A 26-year-old pharmaceutical representative told the court that the assault left her pregnant — and she allowed Marsalis, of all people, to accompany her to the abortion.	„
	—Match.com's "Pro-choice in Seattle" -- oh wow.

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Getting Away With It

Like kittens 99% of all good stories involving sexual assault and sick fuckery these days, the internets was probably lurking somewhere behind a dumpster, refusing interviews from the media about its alleged involvement.

The facts speak for themselves: Marsalis used Match.com to meet most of his marks. Later, this fact would be used against the victims in a court of lawl to assert that anybody who uses online dating services is pretty much saying, "rape me." In this way, Marsalis was brought to court several times, and let free to rape and rape again.

The Irony

This section was going to point out the irony of the fact that after he had raped hundreds of women, Marsalis is now in prison, being pounded in the ass by some huge hairy black person with shitty prison yard tattoos all over his weiner. You know, sort of like in that Sublime song about date rape. However, as it turns out, the state of Pennsylvania where Dr. Date Rape was put on trial did not convict him of a single count of rape, despite the jury being treated to a parade of dozens of witness-cum-victims. This is because it was clear to the good folks of Pennsylvania that his "victims" obviously had it coming, and, in point of fact, liked it (at least while they were conscious, LOL). Marsalis was put in minimum security jail for like 2 years max for some pussy-ass cop-out "sexual assault" charge. This is not nearly as much time as he would have received for being found guilty of rape - which he was, in fact, guilty of.

In conclusion: God bless America, and freedom for all unless you're ~~a woman~~ a moron who continues to see your date rapist because you're happy you snagged a moderately attractive doctor.