IMDb
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LOL IMDB MESSAGE BOARDS ARE DEAD |
'The Internet Movie Database,' also known as IMDb and a variety of deeply-unfunny corrupted acronyms, such as (Ignorant Moronic Dumbasses Bitching) is a sprawling website and self-proclaimed "Biggest Movie Website on Earth". Something of a rival to TOW, IMDb catalogues lots of useful information, such as Megan Fox's ranking on Maxim's 2008 Hot List, how long Renee Zellweger's wedding lasted and Gwyneth Paltrow's shoe size. The real horror, however, is the message board forum, where thousands of people with extensive knowledge of cinema gather to discuss topics including, but not limited to: Eminem's asshole, homoerotic Toy Story fanfiction and speculation on Seabiscuit 2. It's basically /b/, except with a profanity filter and no pics.
The Top 250 List
According to IMDb-users, The Shawshank Redemption is the best film evar, a laughable indecency displayed prominently on IMDb's personal all-time best list, called the IMDb Top 250, a sort of cesspool where users can upvote films that must be good because popular opinion says so. Since the average voter has little to no taste in movies and is also a fucktard, crap such as Hotel Rwanda, Finding Neverland, Crash, and Kill Bill is allowed to populate the Top 250 alongside Seven Samurai and Citizen Kane. Rankings and ratings are determined by the Bayesian estimate of a film's average vote, though nobody gives a shit. The top 250 films are then featured in a special area on the site, though given the content the list ideally should be stowed away in IMDb's deepest darkest corner. Conservatism estimates show the list to consist of 65% trash, though mediocrity like Little Miss Sunshine invades the Top 250 at regular intervals. In 2005, an errant sect of $cientology sued IMDb on account of its Top 250 being quote "too gay;" the case was dismissed in the United States District Court for the Southern District of Illinois.
Upon the release of The Dark Knigger, all hell broke loose on the top 250. Within 12 hours, the movie made its way to the top of the 250 list. When Godfather fangirls took notice, they exacted their sweet revenge by rating The Dark Knight 1/10. Since then, the Godfather faggots and extreme fans of the Dead Heath Ledger Show have been at war with each other. Understanding how serious the top 250 list is, fans of the Shawshank Redemption stepped in to attempt to right the situation. Of course, we all know that none of these movies are anywhere close to the greatest movie of all time.
The Top 250 TV List
How the Top 250 TV list works is basically the same way the Top 250 Movie list works. Some shitty miniseries that nobody gives a fuck about is the best TV show of all time according to IMDb users. This list shows that not only do IMDb users have shit taste in films, but they also have shitty taste in TV shows, because Rick and Morty totally deserves to be put above The Sopranos, amirite?
Userbase
The IMDb userbase generally consists of 13-year-old boys who will pick apart tiny aspects of the movie and call the rest of it complete shit, no matter how good the movie actually is. If this doesn't give you an idea of what they're like, try watching your favorite movie with your snarky, annoying friend that will interrupt every goddamned second of the film to point out continuity errors. If you don't think that this is accurate, notice that the trivia, quotes, and bloopers section of any article is longer than the article itself. Their perfect film is one where there are no continuity errors, no mundane details to piss themselves over, no characters they happen to dislike, constant one-liners, and no plot. You might replicate this by simply talking over a black screen, but they will still shit their pants and call it the greatest movie ever.
It is mandatory that each member has a signature that consists of a completely irrelevant quote from a completely irrelevant part of a movie (90% of the time from Goodfellas) that they pretend to have some magical understanding of it that nobody else has, including film majors and professionals, or a signature in which they rate the most recent movies they've seen, because everybody cherishes their opinion.
When not criticizing a movie because of a piece of paper that moved one inch between two scenes in the upper left corner in the other room, partially hidden by some books, hardly even visible to the human eye, these individuals spend their time in the IMDb discussion boards, a cesspool full of virginity, internet tough guy-ism and crap. At least 100 of the threads in these forums have absolutely nothing to do with the movie itself, but are ridiculous attempts of cyber sex between basement dwelling virgin boys and ugly 16 year old cunts who no one would even consider to fuck irl, the latter also notably boasting about being sluts with disorders and a father complex, having sucked over 9000 cocks and daily posting a new thread in every single board of a male actor about how they love teH c0ck.
These boards are also a great source for rage and trolling.
Film General
The Film General board is usually a competition to see who has the most obscure top ten list. The more films you have on your list that nobody has heard of, the cooler you are. For extreme coolness, make a new thread every day about how well-known films like Goodfellas or The Godfather suck. The people on Film General consideres David Lynch to be the best director EVAR and they hate Christopher Nolan movies even before they have been released because it has gotten positive reviews and they want to be different.
Ratings
If a film is Limited, then it is usually considered cool by everyone, and is voted higher. Also, if a film is foreign, it also benefits from a "cool" bonus. See Pan's Labyrinth for example; if this film was not limited or foreign, it would probably average 6.5 or less. Another thing cool kids like to do is throw films that are good but not THAT good into IMDb's Top 250 Films, such as Knocked Up or Grindhouse. This is either because people can't tell the difference between "good movies" and "true classics"...or, more likely, they are simply retarded.
My Movies
Additionally, IMDb is well-known for its ability to allow users to rate films on a scale of 1 - 10, while simultaneously recording their votes in a section called My Movies. It should come as no surprise that this section of IMDb is as poorly maintained and woefully forsaken of customization as the rest of the site, as IMDb steadfastly refuses to allow users to personalize My Movies with additional parameters or information. Of important note, IMDb also fails to provide a search feature that would let members easily browse other users' My Movies, which annoyingly forces people to first enter the IMDb forums then arbitrarily search posts for users who might display enough intelligence to have a relevant My Movies section. (Additionally, most users are dumbasses and fail to make their "My Movies" public, and those who do are usually batshit insane with bad taste). Recently IMDb programmers pwned claims regarding IMDb's lack of customizability, saying that implementation of additional features would be undeserved given how asshatted the majority of the site users are.
IMDb Females Under 18
IMDb users are notorious for assigning favorable ratings to terrible movies, and statistically speaking, the ubiquitous category of females under 18 is largely responsible for this unspeakable atrocity. Women in general have no taste, however, the average IMDb female under 18 is a rampaging hobag-in-training, a ditzy confection of irritating naivety and limited understanding whose lack of maturity and noted ability to be easily manipulated renders them unable to distinguish between quality films and trash, and coincidentally makes them the prime target for surprise buttsecks. In general, the only way to combat the infection of inflated grades spread by this demographic is to downvote particular films, but Last Thursday Popular Science released a series of studies showing proper use of subliminals during Totally Spies and/or My Little Pony commercials may represent a new front in the fight against this teenage plague.
Stupid Irrelevant Threads
At the bottom of the profile for each film, you will find all kinds of stupid threads created by asshats who have nothing better to do with their time.
Common threads include:
- Actor/Actress X: Hot or Not?
- The appearance of successful movie stars are rated by people who will never meet them, be as successful as them, or leave their parents' basement.
- Is he REALLY gay??
- The usual gang of ne'erdowells discuss the alleged sexuality of various movie stars. The more gay an actor is assumed to be, the more likely it is the poster is trying to come to grips with their own failure at life.
- THE ENDING???????????
- Where a bunch of nerdish geeks sit around discussing what happened in the end, mainly because they are too fucktarded to work something out without a big sign telling them what happened.
- Occasionally the resident regulars go in and start telling everybody how stupid they are and outlining their theory for the ending, which makes no fucking sense at all.
- Joe is dead????
- Where stupid nerds wonder whether or not their favorite character is dead. Even if, in the last five seconds, you see the main character blow their brains out, some dumbass will still question whether their character died or not.
- It generally takes a few half-baked theories, such as the person who died was actually a hologram or dummy, before people realize that they are idiots.
- Film Interpretation
- You do know that Ed Tom and Anton Chigurh are the same person, right? [1]
- The Glorious "Schindler's List" Subforum
- Watch out for this one, it delivers the most lulz out of the whole of IMDb. Based on a ridiculous movie about Nazis, made by Steven Spielberg (who is responsible for Star Wars and is also a jew), it is your typical "ZOMG TEH NAZIS ARE SOOO BAD OMG THAT'S SO SAD HOW THEY KILLED THE JEWS THEY WERE EVIL EVIL EVIL" film.
- Because the movie spreads this Zionist crap, it won an Oscar. Anyway, here you can find all kinds of tossers who argue with each other about Israel and Palestine. Basically the same as anywhere else. As usual, any time somebody (usually a troll) says something which threatens the ass-swine jews, they all cry "ANTI-SEMITE". Little do they know that nobody gives a shit whether it's racist or not, and the argument continues. Forever.
- Is this movie okay for my 5 year old?
- IMDb users find it hilarious to go into the forum for every single R-rated film ever made, and ask if it's okay for their five year old to watch. Sadly, many users are ass-for-brain'd enough to fall for this and believe that the poster is actually serious.
- Do you people really like this movie/director?
- Take any film/director that is generally well regarded (ex: Orson Welles, Stanley Kubrick, Terrance Malick and/or their collected works)and at the top of their respective board will be some asshat troll idiot asking if fans really like whatever the subject of said board is or are we just pretending because the elitist film mafia says we have to.
- Worst movie ever!
- Every IMDb forum has at least one thread where someone pretends they are the comic book guy from The Simpsons so they can troll the rest of the gullible IMDb users and piss off anyone who isn't just posting for the lulz.
- Email Address/Does Anyone have MSN?*
- One of the funniest threads, usually made by by horny 16 year old boys lusting after their favorite actress. Because if they had their favorite actresses email then they could meet up then could totally be their boyfriend. Their horniness overpowers their logic because celebrities do not give out their MSN to basement dwellers. Will almost always be followed by an equally pathetic reply by a 13 year old fan-girl claiming to be the actress' best friend, saying that she has her e-mail but wont give it out.
- Boyfriend??
- The most hilarious of all threads to be found on IMDb. They consist of horny geeks postulating over whether or not their favorite actress has a boyfriend, because if they didn't they would totally go out with them instead. Always feature at least one person who claims to have connections or be friends with the celebrity in question. This is of course bogus, because movie stars don't usually hang around in basements.
- Beautiful!
- Threads created by gay men expressing how pretty they believe an actress is, although they still prefer the cock. Feature many people who disagree with the thread's poster and try to scientifically reason their explanations of why the actresses are unattractive. All these threads are profoundly disturbing, because the rejects of the world are passing judgment on attractive, successful people (unless the subject in question is named Lindsay Lohan).
- 100 things we learned from this movie
- Common thread on IMDb, consisting of a list of about 10 things what they "learned" from the movie, typically by butthurt fags because they took the movie too seriously and therefore didn't like or understand it.
- Jack Nicholson said "I warned him!"
- Since the death of the Austrian Tosspot it has become customary to post this at the forum of a recently deceased celebrity. While slightly lulzworthy it can easily become an old meme if used on nobodies.
Cheap Lulz from IMDb
1. Register an account at IMDb, so you can post in the forums.
2. Go into any popular, or recently released movie.
3. Make a thread with the topic "This movie is a total ripoff of...", insert any movie, whatsoever, in place of the ellipsis.
4. Watch them start fighting with one another for fifty pages.
(Note: If one of your threads doesn't work, make another one, with a different movie, they will not remember you made the last one, because most IMDb users are retarded.)
5. Tell Cutenicespoiledprincess that she's a wanker and that she can go bloody fuck herself in her anus with her mother's worn out fuckstick.
How to troll IMDb Like a pro
1. Log into IMDb forums.
2. Log into any profile of a popular teen idol (Eg: Shia LaBouf).
3. Start a thread claiming he's gay.
4. Watch every fucking fat fangirl with a computer shit brix for over 9000 pages.
5. ????
6. Profit!
7. You pay Taxes
8. ????
9. Sucking dicks for money
6. Profit!
For extra lulz, visit forums related to shit bands such as Fat Larry's Band or Fat Larry's Band. Saying anything that isn't along the lines of "OMG BEST BAND EVAR!!!" will result in the butthurt of many 16-year-old girl and many pages of fun at the expense of others.
The Barack Obama Board
Another lulz inducer is to go to the IMDb message board for Barack Obama. Say something like "Hey, maybe Barack Obama actually ISN'T the Second-Coming of Christ", and every uptight leftard will flip the fuck out. Alternately, on this same board, point out that the user AlexisColby calls other people racist but she herself is racist against white people. This will cause her cult followers to, much like fat fangirls, shit bricks for 100 pages. This Barack Obama board has many a lolcow. Including JC-100, DkAngelRulz, RaidenX and kevdurden.
—What DkAngelRulz considers an extremely intelligent, well-structured and logical argument | ||
The IMDb Religion Board
This is the place where atheists exalt themselves as better than everyone else, and make constant "ZOMG religion has cuased all teh wars in the world, look how progressive and counterculture I am, loolollol look what a rebel I AM OMG!!!!1" threads like it's the most original idea ever. Of course, should you be a Christian or other religious person, they'll shout you out and throw strawman arguments at you and act pretty much as intolerant as they claim Christians are. Point this out, and it's probably because you're an intolerant fundamentalist bigot troll. Of course, pointing out this irony is still a great way to troll these people. Many people on this board are 13-year-old boy and fat chicks with daddy complexes who only make constant posts about "LOLOLOMG THEIR IS NOO GOD CHRISTIANS ARE JUST EVVVILLZZ!!1 (the kind of thing they wouldn't dare say about Jews, because it would be intolerant) because they're trying to rebel against their parents. And believe me, there's victim complex rampant like a motherfuck on this board.
Updates
You now need either a cellphone, a bank account or a Amazon account to register a new account to IMDb. This further add to the crapiness of an already extremely crappy site. It also removes from the fun of trolls since they can only use one cellphone once. Lots of whining and bitching was heard on IMDb the day of the transition. Many banhammers were used on the trolls, who now have to settle with masturbating to the new page design, which looks like shit smeared on a canvas. But still there are many trolls on IMDb, doing it for the lulz as always. This further proves that the IMDb administration are retards who fail at life. All you have to do is register many accounts at once and you can last practically forever. Despite what they might claim.
See Also
- The Soapbox
- The Dark Knight IMDb Board
- The Britney Spears IMDb Board
- The Roman Polanski IMDb Board
- The IMDb Politics Board
- Chickaboom
- Roger Ebert
- Dorian_Gay
- goodgirl_666
- Darrentmail
- Wigger
- WickedPrincess
- saucer_magnolia
- Blondie_xoxo
- Buttercup Duck
- Drunk
- My Immortal, who goes by goffikgurl.
- Steve Lake
External links
- IMDb
- The IMDb Top 250
- IMDb shit list
- [2] The IMDb forums on Something Awful's Weekend Web.
- IMDb Flavor of Love Boards
- The IMDb Top 250 TV Shows
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