Melbourne
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Melbourne is a city in United States of Australia, capital of the state of Victoria and great place to be completely surrounded by azns and wogs. Known nationally as the birthplace of the gangland murders (a popular sport involving drugs, illegal firearms and alcohol) Melbourners have convinced themselves of being nearly 100% more hardcore than the rest of Australia. Melbourne is also the birthplace of AFL, an even more popular sport involving tight shorts, sweaty men, corporate sponsorship and ass arse taps.
It receives the worst weather known to man, without the forces of nature ever actually flattening the city (unlike Japan, Nawlins or Sydney). It has a secure and reliable public transport network.
In recent times, partying has been outlawed by the government, because too many drunk kids and Guido have been hitting each other in the street with handbags.
Pronunseeayshun
Note that it is pronounced Mel-born, as in "I bet your dad was surprised when you were born, as opposed to Melb-buhn, as in "I sometimes feel like burning down this city" actually for the last five years, it has been pronounced MEL-BURN.
Origin
Founded over 90000000000000mg years ago as a prison camp/buttseks resort by the United Kingdom because of the similar weather to Londonistan (ie, shite), Melbourne eventually threw off the shackles of colonialism by instituting violent gladiatorial combat as the state sport.
This blood sport was played daily at schools across the city until it diverged into the two most popular sports played today- gang warfare and AFL (short for Australian Football Losers, but more commonly called "footy" or aussie rules.) The name is a misnomer, as it does not actually possess any rules and nor does it rule. Players punch, tackle, headbutt and body slam the opposition, rarely utilising the foot during play. Claiming the sport as 'Australian' is also misleading, as most of the teams are only from Melbourne.
Geographically, the city is placed on the mighty Yarra River. Tourists are advised to take snorkel tours so they may appreciate the wide variety of Eastern European gangsters wrapped in fencing wire that litter the riverbed.
Mayor and governing body
Melbourne's enigmatic mayor is Lord John So of China. His sad face is contrasted with his happy one. Confucius says "John So is elected because of the interwebs and because Melbourne is all aznz". As soon as that was revealed Lord So suffered a lulz attack and resigned. He was replaced by Bobby Doyle - a reject from Victorian Parliament. All rejects from there become mayors because they didn't kiss the Premier's arse.
Gang warfare
Considered the less popular of the two major sports of Melbourne, typically because the crowds at gangland killings consist of drunken bums, prostitutes, crooked cops and young children who are there to watch their parents participate. In Melbourne, gangland shootings and their perpetrators are revered. As shown in the recent miniseries Underbelly (AKA cheap, softcore porn) which is, ironically, only allowed to be shown in the other states.
Drugs
It defies the laws of the universe, that in a country with one of the worlds highest drug prices, 100% of Melbournes population are drug addicts.
General population
The population is >90000000, yet this is not necessarily a good thing; Melbourne's citizens are made up mainly of emos, goths, and deformed alternative retards. High Concentrations live on the steps of Flinders Street Station. At one point they migrated to the church steps opposite Flinders Street but in a classic display of Victorian police efficiency they were all implicated as Romanian drug lords, shot for acting with 'dangerous intent' and burnt beyond all recognition to destroy evidence. Survivors went and sat outside Hungry Jacks so that they could sit around all day and be at a convenient distance from food at the same time. There is also a growing population of indie fags who make their home anywhere they can access the over priced retro star shopping centre. Here you can buy dresses your mum threw away for a good reason for twice what she paid in the 80s. That's the price of being hip in Melbourne.
90% of the population are fucking idiots who hurry everywhere on the roads, but walk as slow as a snail. they risk everyones lives on the roads to hurry home. then once they arrive home, the average person will think "oh fuck im bored, im a smalltime loser, why did i hurry home?"
No one in Melbourne drinks any water- because there is none. Everyone in Melbourne drinks beer and/or cum. Everyone in Melbourne goes jogging on Sundays. Not to get fit or anything, but to pick up 'hotties' in the parks.
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Melbourne's Taxi Drivers
Melbourne Taxi drivers are the world’s most courteous drivers on Melbourne’s roads, they always allow other drivers to overtake them and always look after older people with the care and respect they deserve and never rip off their customers.
On a serious note, Melbourne taxi drivers have a hybrid DNA that combines the blood of Japanese kamikaze bombers, niggers and Islamic fundamentalists. Their suicide driving style is second to none, far outranking both Jew York City and Paris Hilton, and offers fantastic opportunities to anyone wishing to become a martyr to Islam. Most Melbourne taxi drivers speak a mixture of Engrish, stupid and “I don’t know what??” making it virtually impossible to explain your destination. In addition, if you survive driving past a taxi driver heading towards Melbourne International Airport at high speed, it is said that you win The Game.
It's a common pastime in Australia in general to mug and shoot taxi drivers; but please be wary of the pungent odours and Indians who scream "racist" when you don't fuck their wives.
THINGS TO SEE
- The Sonic Manipulator
A possible sex offender, the Sonic Manipulator can often be found on the corners of Swanston/Bourke in inner-city Melbourne luring tourists in with his sexy dance moves, pretty glowsticks and a scrawny body tightly wrapped in tinfoil (and only tinfoil). He brings teh lulz back to Melbourne, although it is said that prolonged exposure to his god awful musical stylings may result in suicide. He is noted for once pissing near the Asian Photo Print Club in public, and falcon punching the shit out of that faggot who plays a didgiredoo along to shitty techno music. Rumored to be the third member of Daft Punk, the Sonic Manipulator is also possible aids. After the March 15th Raid in Melbourne against the idiots of the world, Anonymous located the Sonic Manipulator for end of day lulz:
Claims to be related to Xenu.
- Ded ppl
Melbourne is the national capital of getting shot, with its wide variety of ethnic gangs, victims of drug induced psychosis and police officers untrained in asking questions (often leading them to 'shoot first'.) Melbourne, a city that enjoys the VTEC kicking in is home to not one, but two crazy bitch school shootings, the only ones in Australian history. The more memorable incident involved some azns, a university lecture and probably some sort of ragnarok online related offence (assumption made on grounds of ethnicity.) Two azns were shot dead, while the crazy azn went to the crazy azn hospital. All the white people were ok. The other one happened last thursday, but was at La Trobe so only poor people were involved and nobody really cared.
- Melbourne's
unfinished wheel (The Southern Star Observation Wheel)
London got a giant wheel last thursday, so Melbourne decided like 2 seconds ago it wanted a giant ferris wheel too, but don't leave, its not finished yet... FINISHED not finished? indefinite build schedule WHO THE FUCK CARES?
OK ITS OPEN NAO.
It is 120 metres tall, the cabins have many windows and they're air conditioned. Unfortunately the cabins are not equipped with sick bags...and it's like really expensive to go on it.
Update: Due to the last heat wave, parts melted and the wheel is now shut down and falling apart.
- Collins Street
Collins Street is in the heart of Melbourne. It was named after musician Phil Collins (Melbourne has the highest number of Genesis fans per-capita in the world). A stunning shopping strip, Collins Street is where boutiques like McDonalds, Pulse Pharmacy and 7-11 intertwine with stunning dead trees and pink lights in summer. Most pedestrians marvel at the splendour as they are mown down by out of control 109 trams, mostly leaving pools of blood. Not to be missed
Typical Melbournian Retard
Melbourne's new Epic Fail Guy (Not to be confused with MFG, Melbourne Fun Guy who is also a protestfag who provided Anomymous with hours of fun) is a gleaming example of your average Melbournian citizen. He claimed he he could fit in a locker, but, as expected he fails.
Anonymous, always being one who delivers, recently managed to track down Melbourne Epic Fail Guy. Thanks to the powerful stalking tools built into MySpace, it is possible for Anonymous to tell you that MEFG lives in Melbourne’s western suburbs where he also attends high school. It also turns out that he has a girlfriend though it is not yet known if she is also made of fail.
And now Anonymous presents the MEFG gallery:
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Melbourne Epic Fail Guy failing at walking down stairs at Southern Cross Station.
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Melbourne Epic Fail guy with bottle of gatorade, sports drink of all an heros.
Notable residents
- Corey Worthington
- Jake Bilardi
- Jarrad Willis
- Jeremy Geard
- Jodie Gater and Stephanie Gestier
- Kylie Lannigan
- Jodie Gater and Stephanie Gestier
- Steve Irwin
- Tim Robinson
- Tom Wood
- Apex Gang
Melbourne Government Declares "Party Is Over Now"
The Melbourne Government, after long consultations with wise beard man and communism, have decided that it would be a good idea to ban people entering nightclubs after 2am. A move which is pissing off Pill Dealers everywhere. This is meant to deter drunken dumbfucks hitting each other with handbags in the street when they should be in bed with their sisters.
This is after pressure from the local Jewrag The Herald Sun and their l33t skillz in making shit up for profit. Not letting Melbournians into nightclubs resulted in the humble citizens having nowhere to go in the evening so, like the filthy convicts they are, they resorted to what they knew best; fighting, raping and stealing cars. The new law has resulted in an estimated 10,000 rape/murders, 500 cases of arson, 1700 suicides and the lowest barfight count in all recorded history, anywhere. Statistics taken approximately 5 minutes after the law was put into effect.
COVID Lockdowns
Being previously known as the world's most livable city, Melbourne had such high population density and travel throughput that it was hit hard by COVID-19. It became the world's most locked down city. The Andrews government put the entire city in quarantine the moment a single case appeared, with people only allowed to leave the house for government mandated exercise hour and to attend engagement parties. Most of these lockdowns would not end until the government was sure every single case was clear. The final lockdown, however, they just gave up and let the daily new COVID case numbers rise to the thousands while desperately begging people to get vaccinated. Part of this was to legally enforce residents to scan a QR code using their app everywhere they went, along with government issued vaccination registration.
The only company people were allowed were their family, sexual partners, or single designated best friend. For those without any of the previous, they were left to gradually acquire more cats. Booming during COVID in Melbourne was the drug-dealing industry, who were able to distribute by sending merchandise via Uber and a city full of people who had nothing better to do than stay at home doing drugs. The damage done may never fully recover, but at least it isn't Sydney.
External Links
- http://www.2amlockout.com.au/
- http://blogs.theage.com.au/yoursay/archives/2008/05/its_a_lockout.html
- http://web.archive.org/web/20100910041824/http://www.melbournelockedout.com/
