Paula Goodspeed
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Paula Godspeed: The Man, The Myth, The Legend
Paula Goodspeed aka Sandra May McIntyre was a 30-year-old Idolfag who, from an early age, was entirely obsessed with god-awful singer/Idol judge Paula Abdul✡. She is a shining example of the age-old rule that bad things happen to shitty singers.
Goodspeed's obsession with Abdul drove her to audition for the fifth season of American Idol in order to get closer to her pill-popping heroine, but like the majority of her ambitious colleagues, she got pwnt by notorious britfag Simon Cowell.
Goodspeed was notably butthurt after her encounter with the Idol judges and reacted like any normal person might when met with rejection: she stalked their asses. For years prior to and up until the week before her death, Goodspeed pissed away her hard-earned money sending Paula Abdul flowers, calling her incessantly, sitting outside of her home and sending her over 9000 letters in the mail.
When Goodspeed realized the flowers and being batshit insane could only take her relationship with Paula Abdul so far, she decided to finally do something that would win the washed-up singer's heart once and for all. Goodspeed drove her car to Paula Abdul's sprawling Los Angeles mansion, parked out front and took enough drugs to put down a horse Paula Abdul.
Lulz then ensued when Goodspeed's family reported her missing and her foaming, bloated corpse was found, still in her car, surrounded by drugs and Paula Abdul posters.
Goodspeed's family would later claim that Paula didn't commit suicide, but rather that she had accidentally overdosed. They believe her death was the result of her battles with depression, anorexia, aspergers and global warming, but we all know why she really did it: for the lulz.
— Paula Goodspeed | ||
Coroner Examination, Toxicology Results & LOLSUICIDE note
On January 20th, A Los Angeles County Coroner (moar like black person Colonel amirite?) declared that the Paula Abdul Fan, Paula Godspeed, did commit suicide by means of overdose.
— The LA County Chicken Colonel | ||
Hey Rockstars,
My name is Sandra, and I hate every single one of you. All of you are untalented, unimaginitive, no-style'd EDiots who spend every second of their day looking at stupid ass factual crap stubs. You are everything bad in the web2.0. Honestly, have any of you ever gotten any peach cobbler? I mean, I guess it's fun making fun of people because of your own failures to beat Ikaruga, but you all take to a whole new dimension. This is even worse than jerking off to poster drawlings I made of Paula Abdul.
Don't be a stranger. Just hit me with your best high note. I'm pretty much perfect. I was captain of the football team after-the-big-game-whoring squad, and #3 on my chess team. What sports do you play, other than put the tail on the donkey at your coursin Drazz's 8th birthday? I also get straight A's, and have a banging hot imaginary girlfriend (She just imaginarily ate me out; Shit was SO cash). You are all faggots who should just kill yourselves, but only after I kill myself. Thanks for listening. I'm gonna go back to designing my hot stylez and bangin' out these mixtapes.
Pic Related: It's me and my pseudo-bitch
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Simon Cowell was reportedly unimpressed by Goodspeed's an hero, declaring it to be "quite possibly the least entertaining suicide I've seen since Anna Nicole".
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Flawless victory.
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Fun Fact: Juliana Wetmore actually applied for this vanity plate only to find that it was taken by Goodspeed.
See Also
External Links
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Paula Goodspeed is part of a series on Visit the Trolls Portal for complete coverage. |