Phil Elmore

Phil Elmore is a fat quivering coward and basement dwelling Libertarianism pretending to be a martial arts instructor, while living in perpetual terror of the people around him. He is the Internet Tough Guy other internet tough guys look up to, as he goes about posting his pictures of his knife collection and talking about warriorship on any martial arts forum he can find.

Inside the mind of a paranoid

Its a dangerous world out there. Very dangerous. You never know when someone may attempt to rape and kill your entire family when you walk down the street. Or when terrorists will try and blow you up, personally. At any moment, you could be eviscerated by black person. Because of this, Phil tries to equip his students as best he can for the horrors of teh str33t.

Phil has ample experience in self defence. With no black belt in any martial art, no military or law enforcement experience, and no legal training, he is exactly the sort of person you would want giving you advice.

As Phil's best selling book shows, the samurai sword is the perfect weapon for today's security conscious individual. Afraid of some black person trying to get money from you? Need to slice and dice would be muggers? Then the Japanese katana is the best you can get in street protection!

Self Defence Tips

As Phil is quick to point out, The Martialist is a website for people who don't fight fair. Here are just a few of Phil's dangerous secret moves he advocates in the face of danger.

Waving a flash light in your attacker's face
Draw a cleverly concealed replica Japanese weapon and duel your attacker.
Shout “you're meant to wait until I'm ready, like when we do drills!”
Talk about Objectivism and Ayn Rand until you bore them to death.

Other techniques cannot be talked about, as they are so dangerous they can easily kill people! No-one is sure how Phil knows this, since he has clearly never killed anyone, except possibly by crushing them.

The Zombie Threat

Phil is quite worried about the threat zombies present to society. So much, in fact, he has been posting over at the Zombiehunter forums, where he has made over 9000 posts about his guns and how poor black people threaten him. Phil has also reviewedMax Brooks Zombie Survival Guide, with critical attention to his weapon advice.

Phil and the Internet

For a dedicated martial artist, Phil seems to spend a lot of time on the internet, usually defending himself or banning trolls from his own forum. It could just be that Phil is so advanced in torch-waving and taking pictures of himself holding knives that he no longer needs to train. Or it could be that, like his sensei says, he's a lazy fuck who rarely shows up to practice.

Phil owns and moderates a forum called Pax Baculum, where he and his many skilled acolytes welcomes free and open debate on martial arts and politics, unless you disagree with them. This is a common failing of all Randroids, who think their beliefs are based in logic. If you don't agree, you are clearly illogical. And so deserve to be banned in the ass. On the plus side though, this makes trolling Phil very easy, as virtually everyone is a troll to him.

Letting Phil post on your site is like having a lulz vending machine. All you have to do is push a button and more comes out. However, he will also spam the address to his shitty site every chance he gets, as well as whine continually about how scary the world is.

Phil is also on Myspace, where he keeps an unintentionally hilarious blog. He alternatively talks about the squirrels in his garden and the need to nuke all the Arab, in order to save the Western World.

If any Patriotic Nigras wish to visit Phil, he can apparently be found on Second Life (further proving he is a basement dwelling fag with no life) in the area of Ord Mantell, in Nexcom. He goes under the name of Elmore Philbin.

Finally, Phil's AOL Instant Messenger is Sharp Phil. Add him, you know you want to.

Phil Gallery

Auto-asphyxiating buttsex is a vital part of any martial arts cirrculum!
Torches – Serious Business
I choose you, Phil Elmore!
You have to be on your guard at all times...
Phil is a guru to some on the internet.
But it makes him feel so manly!
Once he's finished fighting trolls on Second Life, he will do his part for the War on Terra.