Phoenix Wright
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Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney is an adaptation of a Japan only Game Boy Advance game for the Nintendo DS, released by Capcom. The player assumes the role of a defense attorney in the court of law in the year 20XX, in a city named Los Angeles where everyone's being killed. The legal system has undergone such a clusterfuck as to allow prosecutors to literally get away with murder, and shorten trials and investigations to a maximum of 3 days. oh joy. And they made six of these fucking games.
Although this game is extremely gay, beware of its incredibly retarded fanbase. All Phoenix Wright fantards believe they alone are capable of comprehending the incredibly deep nature of the game and love to argue about their unimportant opinions with the other fantards.
Gameplay
It's a "Create Your Own Story" game not unlike the old Ken Livingstone books, with each day of each trial split into two bits - Procrastination and Masturbation. The objective is to establish your client's innocence in court and spare them the death penalty, while catching the real killer of each case.
During Procrastination phases, the player gets to flick between five backgrounds and talk to hundreds of characters, getting absolutely nowhere in the process. You're required to throw every piece of evidence you have at everyone, but picking the wrong option always has the same result. 99.9% of the time, you will be reading text that scrolls across the screen without actually interacting with anything except semi-animated full-view portraits.
In this phase, much of the humor takes place. Most of it involves watching the characters act like complete retards and make inane comments about the most idiotic things. What makes it even worse is the games tendency to reuse the same three animations(Happy, Shocked, and Won't-Shut-the-Fuck-Up) over and over, forcing characters to narrate (as if there wasn't enough reading) what they're doing.
Once the Fap stage begins, the player will have to go through many more pages of text. During cross-examination, the player then has to present evidence to refute a witness' statement. Oftentimes the evidence needed will be completely random, because the game often leaves you with no fucking clue about what to do next. This will all be done while everyone points and screams at each other like retarded children to the soundtrack of MegaMan music. Most cases are won by presenting Hitler 50 times.
— Some guy who got 102 thumbs up | ||
Since this is a port for the Nintendo DS, some touch controls were bolted onto the game, as well as a new case and a shit voice command option. Since the voice command doesn't work properly without screaming into the mic, no one uses it.
Further features include:
- A new case bolted onto the first game that caused a time paradox before the Apollo Justice game arrived
- Eye-breaking 3D GRAFIX for the fourth game (the kind that went out of fashion on the SNES)
- Bugger all else
The Games
Phoenix Wright Ace Attorney
Where it all begins. 4 cases in total (5 including the bonus one in the DS version). Your boss is murdered in the 2nd case, and you wind up saving your friend in the 4th case. 5th case just serves to add more context / story for Edgeworth's character, and is the TRUE straw that broke the camel's back regarding why he left his office and declared himself "dead"
Justice For All
Sequel to the first game. 4 cases in total like the previous game. Nothing of note happens until the last case in which Maya gets kidnapped and Edgeworth comes back to save both you and her because Phoenix is still a scrub that can't do anything on his own.
Trials And Tribulations
Sequel to the sequel, and is more focused on the Fay clan than anyone else. 6 cases in total, in which 2 of them are coutroom-only stories from Mia's perspective when she was a n00b. We also learn that Phoenix was even more of a retard as a teenager than he is as an adult, and can't grasp basic shit like telling the fucking truth.
Professor Layton vs Phoenix Wright
You read that right, these two game series wound up getting a cross-over game exclusively for the 3DS. Supposidly takes place between the 3rd game and Appolo Justice. Phoenix and Maya go to britbong land for a court case and wind up meeting Professor Layton back in 14th century times (no dragons, sadly) in which even Layton has to help Phoenix win a case or two and winds up looking more compitent than Phoenix.
Miles Edgeworth Ace Attorney Investigations
Edgeworth's very own game. Investigations are a little more free-roaming and rather than wait to go to court, you just interrogate and hear testimonies immediately. Unfortunately it also means that the game feels longer than the Ace Attorney series. 5 cases in total, with the last one dragging on for fucking ever because the last boss is a sore loser that won't quit even after you've shoved 20 fucking pieces of evidence in his face.
Miles Edgeworth Prosecutors Path
Sequel to the 1st Miles Edgeworth game, and the game that infamously never got a translated version for the west due to Capcom not giving a fuck and blaming it on the OG translation team disbanning. However, a fan translation exists that does a attempt to make it similar to the west as far as continuity goes, but winds up falling flat due to REALLY bad internet "humor" and the word problematic being injected all over the fucking place. Also Lotta Hart is a Social Justice Warrior now, because reasons.
Apollo Justice Ace Attorney
Many years have passed, and Phoenix is now a bum that turned his office into a talent show with his "adopted" daughter whom is a magician. Winds up hiring Apollo after helping him convict his boss of murder. The last case is a clusterfuck that makes you go back to the past to play some shitty games that suck ass multiple times to solve incidents and gain evidence to use in the present. Keep in mind you do all this with Phoenix while Apollo dicks around with Phoenix's daughter.
Apollo Justice is rife with shallow, annoying, inhuman characters that inspire murderous rage in all who have the misfortune of watching them. They make the characters from Dragon Ball Z look like they stepped right out of the grandest Shakespearian drama. Nothing they say or do in any way resembles even the most disturbed or psychotic human behavior. Their mannerisms and speech make the late Michael Jackson's feathery falsetto voice, eye-batting and crotch-grabbing look like the most grounded, natural human behavior ever to have existed.
Thus, in the tradition of the Legend of Zelda series, the Breath of Fire series, and many others, Capcom has ruined a once-great series and fucked over its customers, proving once again that it has nothing but the vilest contempt for its customers, and probably for the rest of humanity as well.
Dual Destinies
Game takes place years after Apolo Justice Ace Attorney, in which the justice system is so corrupt that Phoenix (with the help of Edgeworth, spoiler alert) wind up getting involved to get rid of the corruption. You play as Phoenix, Apollo, and new waifu Athena Cykes. Apollo's past is retconned here.
Spirits of justice
Phoenix and Apollo go to the middle east (or some other 3rd world shithole) to meet Maya whos all grown up and solve cases. Leaves Athena in America until she shows up in the last case (All that character building in the last game went to waste apparently). Apollo's past is once again retconned because Capcom can't fucking figure out wehat to do with this asshole.
Characters
- Phoenix Wright - a spiky-haired ex-raver who wandered into law school one day while he was high and decided to stick around. Then he murdered Mia Fey's boyfriend, or something like that. Needs kids and dead people to help him solve the most obvious of cases. He is not a real attorney, as he doesn't even know how to check his own fucking pockets for evidence prior to the start of the game. He is known for obnoxiously shouting "OBJECTION!" while childishly pointing at the prosecution before being embarrassingly shut down by every character in the courtroom. He's also gay for Miles (waiting 15 years just to see him again). Has a stepladder fetish. In the 4th (or 5th, it doesn't matter at this point) game, he becomes a hobo with a snow hat that truly reveals his hidden bisexuality.
- Mia Fey - Phoenix's dominatrix sex master. She tells him exactly what to do and literally commands his every action early in the game. When she dies, Phoenix is completely lost and has no idea what the fuck he is supposed to do in a courtroom. But don’t worry! her sister will buttfuck you in her place! Her reappearance as main character in 3-1 and 3-4 give gamers a healthy dose of animu cleavage. Good work, Capcom! Also Diego Armando's "kitten" and sex-slave.
- Maya Fey - Mia Fey's younger sister, the human reincarnation of the "I can haz cheezburger?" cat, and Phoenix's partner. Maya loves wearing sandals and eating burgers. Since she is a spirit medium, her older sister contacts her from beyond the grave and informs her of Phoenix's utter incompetence, then tells her to go tell him what to do until he stops being a pussy and can make his own decisions again. Not that anyone cares, because her breasts grow like three thousand sizes in the process. Like the fucking Grinch. It's harder than it sounds - Maya channels Mia in almost every case afterwords. She also has a bulging erection for the Steel Samurai and his Zero-Wing motto "For great justice".
- Miles Edgeworth - The prosecuting attorney that you deal with in EVERY SINGLE CASE (in the first game of course, because of Capcom's fetish with replacing characters with other random, useless fucktards). Was going to become a defense attorney until his mentor shot his dad for speaking out of turn. Edgeworth is obviously a pimp and everyone else in the game is his bitch, particularly Gumshoe. His new game, Miles Edgeworth: Pimp-ass Prosecutor, is slated to sell over 1 billion copies due to both men and women buying it so they can masturbate while playing. He is the only man on Earth who can still get away with wearing an cravat. He could have sex with his sister and not have it be incest, since technically he was an orphan, even if she was really his sister it wouldn't be incest because Miles is that kind of bad ass. Phoenix also burdens him with unnecessary feelings, and he flies halfway around the world when Larry tells him Wright tried to become an hero by setting a bridge on fire and diving into a frozen river.
- Detective Dick Gumshoe - Failure of a detective who, like many characters in the series, doesn't even know how to spell his own job. Gumshoe always leaks secret evidence and has never gotten his facts straight on the stand in his entire life. He has a trusting relationship with Edgeworth and teams up with Edgy for the spin-off, which includes shit fullbody ports instead of the normal severed upper body. Quote Gumshoe: "Mmmmmmmm..." He finally gets his ass fired in JFA but everyone was afraid he'd burn down the nearest building unless someone was around to babysit him, so he was re-hired.
- Manfred von Karma - Edgeworth's morbidly-obese and generally morbid German sex master. He killed Edgeworth's dad, then raised him to be a homosexual douchebag prosecutor. Never lost a case in his 40 year career, until Phoenix Wright shows up and not only beats him in the court of law, but proves that he is guilty of murder through batshit theatrics. Has a bullet in his shoulder because Edgeworth shot him... if you know what I mean.
- Larry Butz - A good-for-nothing lazy ass wannabe-an hero who just so happens to be Phoenix's childhood friend. He somehow manages to get lucky with models often and unlike all the other male characters has 'no interest in dudes'. The main purposes of his character include failing at every job he ever gets, getting cheated on by all his girlfriends, being about as useless in court as Gumshoe, and hitting on Maya. Becomes a CP artist at the end of PW3. Larry Butz comes in many exciting flavors! Normal retard in the jacket, Plus-sized retard with a cop uniform, NEGA GAYFAG RETARD in the pink schmock. With a monkey on it (and a Beret), and Steel Samurai with detachable Iron Infant and wooden shopping cart.
- Winston Payne - The only non gender-curious man in the series. Though he is 52, he exhibits all of the behaviors of a 13-year-old boy, such as annoying the hell out of you with his high-pitched voice and unwarranted self importance, and being generally incompetent. Comes back for every single fucking game as the first prosecutor you face. Mia once pwned him in court so badly all his hair flew away.
- The Judge - A geriatric brainless clueless dickless bag of horse testicles who learned everything he knows about law Last Thursday. Needs everything explained to him over 9000 times before he understands what's going on, then still doesn't know exactly what it means. Naturally he's biased towards the prosecution, as all good judges are, and basically wails on you with legalese whenever you fuck up (read: all the time). He also b& Phoenix's ass from the courtroom 7 years before PW4 for forged evidence. He enjoys talking to those he takes a liking to in his chambers. He also has a somehow Canadian brother, but he doesn't show up until the third game.
- Ema Skye - Ema Skye originally appeared in the first game as a 16-year-old girl who masturbated to science textbooks. The only reason she existed was to serve as a Maya replacement, but she added something new to the bland formula: science. Yes, folks, science. This "science" took place in boring minigames that involved tapping on the screen and screaming into the microphone. Now she's a bitter bitch because she didn't get the job she wanted. She'll show up whenever the game gets bored of itself and decides to mix-up the action with more dull minigames and an eating disorder, because those are always hilarious. She would later go on to become one of /v/'s most annoying tripfags.
- Pearl Fey - Maya's younger cousin and a blatant Nick*Maya shipper, Pearls has to be one of the only people on the face of the planet to not realize Phoenix's (jailhouse) gayness. Which isn't much of a surprise since she's so stupid that she thinks spelling I AM reads as AMI . Then again, her abusive mother's drunken fist probably knocked any common sense out of the kid's brain. Since she's Cody Hackins' age they are automatically madly in love with each other, though they have never met. Has a boner for her artist aunt.
- Franziska von Karma - Manfred von Karma's hellspawn and rejected Castlevania character/BDSM queen. Decided not to stay in the kitchen and left Germany to kick Phoenix's ass for making Miles gay. She carries around a whip to prove she is superior but it always epically phails. Grew up with Miles and calls him "Little Brother", but is somehow paired with him anyways, or Adrian Andrews, which makes for hot lesbian dickings.FOOLFOOLISHFOOLHEARTYFOOLERY!!!112 is pretty much her lame attempt at having a catchphrase.
- Apollo Justice - The Attorney formerly known as Lawboy Fagsgay, Herr Forehead, Sleeves, and "That guy with the hair", and is the brand spanking new main character of GS4. Why? Because everybody needed a break from the old characters and Naruhobo is hilarious and fun to say if you're Wapanese. He's set up to defend Phoenix in a few cases, which is a fucking waste of time due to the fact Feenie starts defending himself since Herr Forehead is a useless noob. Why did they bother replacing him again? Polly is a freaking wimp afraid of heights, panties, loud noises, head-masturbation (see Daryan Crescend), panties, Mr. Hat, panties, salt, unicorn horns, gangsta ABDs, panties, stepladders, panties, and panties. He goes on a magical tic-seeking adventure via putting his nose on his bracelet and inhaling deeply. Incidentally he can use his bracelet to summon magic powers that tell when someone's acting suspicious...which is probably the second-dumbest magic power ever besides talking to fucking FISH. Like Phoenix, Apollo is obviously hungry for penis and therefore and been paired with every male character in the game(and past games).Apollo x everyone is in fact the only canon pairing in the series.
- Klavier Gavin - Easily summed up as "That glimmerous fop", or "The Flaming Guitar". Proof that playing your own theme song makes you instantly hot if you're German. Very, very gay for Apollo, and flirts with anything. Calls Trucy a "Delicious Morsel". Would be creepy if he weren't so damn sexy. Covers his Apollo fantasies by picking on the hungover detective. Has the hereditary Unicorn Hair. His virgin love may or may not have been a jar of pickled onions.
- Trucy Wright - Yet another Loli in the series, she's Phoenix's adopted daughter and Apollo's half sister. Is GS4's Maya, but even more dim-witted, though she's a magician practicing fake magic, whereas Maya summons fucking dead people, most of which are psychotic killers. Is surprisingly enthusiastic about showing Apollo her magic panties.
Shipping
Like anything from japan, this one does not have protection to the legions of annoying weeaboo shippers and fangirls arguing about how their OTP is the best. Not only that, but these are some of the most fucked up pairings I have ever seen. Nercophilia, Pedophilia, Incest-you name it, this game has a pairing for it.
All you really need to know is Phoenix has been paired with EVERY PERSON IN THIS GAME. Seriously, this is no joke. Go look it up.
Trolling any of these shippers is simple enough (except for the Phoenix/Mike Meekins shippers, mind you). All you need to do is say that their relationship isn't canon. This will generate the largest lulz, due to the fact they can't argue against it.
Worst of all are the yaoi fangirls who have repeatedly combed through the games with their enormous amount of free time due to the fact they are fat and ugly and therefore have no social life. This means that they have gathered any dialog that is even slightly questionable and hints that a certain gay pairing is canon. Their arguments are always completely logical, and attempting to call them out on their bullshit will lead to rage and butthurt
Gallery
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This really does happen. See: case 4-2
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Deleted scene from episode 3-5
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UNNGHH--OBJECTIUNNGHHH
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Phoenix's former boss, posing for all the leg amputee fetishists out there.
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IMMA CHARGIN MAH LAWYZERZ
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Real Lawyers starts early with finger pointing.
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Phoenix Wright doing what he does best: Pointing.
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LOL DEAD
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Gay.
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Edgeworth's fat German sex master.
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Phoenix Wright characters are frequently used in Image Macro.
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Nobody knows what this is...
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...but that didn't stop somebody from Rule 34ing it.
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Yeah, they're gay.
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Groudon Wright, lol.
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Moar proof of Nick's Pedophilia.
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Note the coat..
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Kristoph is a faggot.
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Kristoph is also an asshole. So his countless instances of getting raped in the big house are justified.
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EBJAKSHEEEN!
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Dickhead in action
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Jokes about dead babies are fine too.
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Phoenix is just spending some "time" with his GF.
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Phoenix Wright - Boot to the Head
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Phoenix Wright is part of a series on Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage. |
See Also
- Danganronpa - More of the same.
- I Will Beat A Rod Till... A Tank Empties
- Objection
- Hideki Kamiya