Legend of Zelda
Legend of Zelda is a video game by Nintendo in which you play as a gay elf, usually prepubescent, dressed up in tight green underwear. Considered a masterpiece, this series has spawned an endless stream of unnecessary sequels, all of which have spawned an endless stream of old memes.
Characters
- Link - Our valiant hero. Throughout the series, Link is surrounded by maidens, fairies, damsels in distress, female townsfolk, and he almost gets raped by a fish princess. Despite this, not once at any time in any game does he show any attraction towards any of the aforementioned women. The only sex that Link ever has in the series is with ReDeads, and most times that's completely non-consensual, and ONE time with Princess Zelda in Adventure of Link, but it was behind curtains, sadly. Some argue that it's because Link is an upstanding moral figure, but really it's because Link hasn't met the right woman yet.
- Linkle - The official rule 63 of Link in Hyrule Warriors. Has a special compass that can do shit, dual wielding crossbows, and chickens that she can call in fight. Has no purpose in the game other than being another fap fodder of the Zelda franchise.
- Zelda - Princess of Hyrule and the dumb cow Link has to rescue all the time. He should get a new job because all she does is cockblock him. The series is named after her despite the fact all she does is get her ass kidnapped every game she's in, usually by Ganondorf, not to mention that she is always the character that makes the least number of appearances. The Legend of Plot Device would be more accurate. Attempting to make her look like a strong, independent princess is usually a big waste of time on the creators' part: in Ocarina of Time and SSBB she can apparently turn into a man named Sheik, but this never helps Link and she gets pwned and abducted anyway. In The Minish Cap, she possesses the light force--a shitload of magic--but gets turned to stone anyway. Holds the Triforce of Wisdom, meaning all she does is speak in poetic riddles instead of getting to the damn point. She is decent fapping material in Twilight Princess and Hyrule Warriors. To enjoy her otherwise, you need to have a weird fetish or be a pedo.
- Ganondorf aka Ganon - A Gerudo desert sorcerer slash pig monster and antagonist of most of the games. In Ocarina of Time, he was as tall as Sephiroth with a Jew nose; in Twilight Princess they made him a fat bastard. Has a cult following of killer Sand niggers lesbians to help him steal shit. Due to this his orientation remains ambiguous due to the fact it's common knowledge that any guy with an army of lesbians would be more interested in making them make out than steal shit. Holds the Triforce of Power, which isn't saying much considering battles against him are horribly easy.
- Tingle - Tingle is a 35-year old man who thinks that he is the reincarnation of a fairy. He believes that Link is his one TRUE and HONEST master. In one game, Tingle kidnaps a man who shipwrecks on Tingle Island, dresses him up as a gay, and has him do his dirty work for him. Being so cool, it was only a matter of time until he got his own spin-off games: Tingle's Balloon Fight DS and Freshly-Picked Tingle's Rosey Rupeeland.
- Impa - Zelda's babysitter. Huge ass tits.
- Malon - Although only seen for all of ten fucking minutes of gameplay, people believe that this is Link's bitch forever, due to the fact she called him a fairy boy the first time they met. Seriously, that's all the proof they can muster. One faggot nickname. Appears as a redhead who goes emo in OOT due to the fact her old boss became an hero and she's sick of her new boss violating her when she goes to sleep, and begs you to save her from the awful Luigi ripoff. You do so, which is another thing fangirls of this pairing often bring up (although let's be honest-90% of us did it so we can have our fucking horse back. The other 10% were hoping that she would then show Link her tits.) 11/10 Zelda fanboys want to fuck her in the tits.
- Saria - Lolicon. She is also Link's childhood butt buddy. When Link leaves her all alone in the Forest one day, she gives him a shitty, brown Ocarina, and has a major baww fest. She hopes that Link will think of her, everytime he looks at the Ocarina, and plays her song. It is later shown that Link doesn't give a fuck, and throws her Ocarina in the water, to get the Ocarina of Time. Another popular paring among fangirls, and pedos alike. Oh yeah, and did I mention? She doesn't grow up.
- Dark Link - He is the same fucking thing as Link, except evil. In one game, Link has a nightmare that HE is Dark Link, and that he wants to rape HIMSELF! Gets slashed with Link by fangirls naturally.
- Octoroks, (Cocksuckers, Knob Gobblers, Sack Goblins, Penis Monsters, etc.). are also creatures from the Zelda series. They are amphibious, octopus-like creatures that suck cock and balls with a force of negative pressure so intense (>10-17 Pa) that they don't just tear your dick off. At the critical point, by way of a seemingly impossible reversal--a symmetry breaking phase transition--suction becomes propulsion. Sack Goblins suck your dick and balls so hard that they simultaneously launch your dick and meatballs right back at you. Zelda faggotry at its sickest.
- Kaepora Gaebora - He is an owl who will never Stfu. The developers obviously saw the lulzy potential in this, because after 4 years-worth of dialogue, the bird finally asks you if you understood everything. Naturally, by the time you get to this part, you aren't even paying attention to the fucking game and just mash the A button to skip it all. Well, it just so happens that the developers put "No" where "Yes" normally is, thus causing the owl to repeat his bullshit ALL OVER AGAIN. He also adds "HOO HOOT!" onto the end of everything he says.
- Vaati - He is the pussy bad guy of the Four Swords and Minish Cap games that looks like a bat. He used to be a midget, but now he is a bat. Oh, and he's also a one-eyed monster.
- Majora's Mask - Was used by a tribe in ancient hexing rituals. Manipulates some brat hoping to cast Za Warudo on Termina by summoning a giant pissed-off moon to fall on it and kill everybody, and also fucks a lot of shit up for Link to fix. Would probably be considered a better boss than Ganondorf if the game didn't allow the player the option to make the final Boss Battle a complete joke by literally allowing the player to god-mode. Turns into a tentacle monster and attempts to rape Link while throwing one-eyed exploding spinning tops of death at him in the final battle after fireballs and running around like a chicken prove ineffective. Also, Majora is a female mask... It has three forms (personalities) where one shoots you with lasers from its eyes, another loves to dance, and the last one will whip you to death. It uses other people for what it wants, when you hit it, it screams like a girl, and if you piss it off, it will destroy you in the scariest fucking way ever. Also you have to go through its friends just to get to Majora.
- Old Man - He is an Engrish-speaking genius who saves Link's ass all the time by giving him cool shit and advice, like "DODGONO DISLIKES SMOKE" or "THERE ARE SECRETS WHERE FAIRIES DON'T LIVE." If you piss him off, he will shoot fireballs at you and pwn you.
- Midna: SPOILERS MIDNA IS THE TWILIGHT PRINCESS OMFG!!!! Dumb nigger bitch that straddles onto Wolf Link and grabs shit with her hand-like hair. Uses Portals and magic to fuck herself and Link at the same time. Wears a helmet everywhere and constantly bitches about some "save the world" bullshit (obviously to instigate drama). Also turns into a tentacle monster at the end of the game and rapes Ganon. Is a favorite among lolis and furries alike. Turns into a blue-skinned, marginally hotter Zelda (despite having a really fucked up hood and haircut) at the very last 30 seconds of the game, allowing for some decent fapping material, and people always raging about how "OMG SHE AND LINK DESERVE EACH OTHER!!1". She goes back to the twilight realm to fuck all of her new nigger slaves/minions, thus removing the only chance Link ever got at getting pussy. Hardcore fans think she'll make a return, which is lulz-y.
- Happy Mask Salesman - The creepy pedophile in the game who has some freaky ass pedosmile on his face. Closing his eyes when he smiles. If you piss him off, he opens his eyes, gets his eyebrows angry but for some reason his mouth still smiles even though he's still fuckin' angry. He is known for his pedophilic laugh. One of his masks is stolen by some kid who likes to troLOLOL people and so the salesman sends Link to find that kid. He also gives Link a spell that cleanses people's wounds and turns them into masks so Link can go around looking like and doing shit as them. WARNING!!!! IF A CHILD IS VERY YOUNG OR EASILY AFRAID OF SHIT, PLEASE MAKE SURE THEY DO NOT APPROACH THIS GUY IN THE GAMES, AS HE COULD MOLEST THEM IN THEIR NIGHTMARES!!!!!
- Navi - Hey! Listen! Hey! Listen! Hey! Hey! Listen! Hey! Listen! Hey! Listen! Hey! Hey! Listen! Hey! Listen! Hey! Listen! Hey! Hey! Listen! Hey! Listen! Hey! Listen! Hey! Hey! Listen! Hey! Listen! Hey! Listen! Hey! Hey! Listen! Hey! Listen! Hey! Listen! Hey! Hey! Listen! Hey! Listen! Hey! Listen! Hey! Hey! Listen! Hey! Listen! Hey! Listen! Hey! Hey! Listen! Hey! Listen! Hey! Listen! Hey! Hey! Listen!
- Linebeck - A greedy pedophile who sticks rupees up Link's ass.
- Chancellor Cole - A ginger who didn't kidnap Zelda, but took her body. He is a good man.
- Malladus - A blue skeleton like thing..... or maybe he's a train. No, he's a girl, due to stealing Zelda's body, and he's also gender confused.
- Guru Guru - The music fag in OoT and MM and shit who constantly plays this ridiculously redundant song called "Song of Storms" 24/7 and if you piss him off he hides his pupils and looks like a possessed killer who will be the next but only possessed child killer there could be. He has this tube that goes out his music box and it goes so low on his back that if you look in between his legs it looks like you can see his testicles all huge.
- Byrne - A mexican guy who is hard to please. He belongs in the kitchen.
- Shadow Link A shitty character but a much more eviler version of Toon Link. He'll rape your ass with his special spell.
- Beedle: Annoying-as-shit character that rips you off in his motherfuckin' shop boat.
- Ghirahim:An insane gay character who stalks Zelda for her holy power and btw, do you have any idea how it made me feel inside when I wrote this article? Furious! Outraged! Sick with anger!
Games
Similar to Final Fantasy, every single Legend of Zelda game is the same but with better 8-bit graphics and more elaborate gameplay. In the beginning of each game, Link tugs one out while the princess inevitably becomes the sex slave of some stupid ass sand nigger pig. Having the Triforce of Wisdom, you'd think this bitch would have the sense to stay in the kitchen where she fucking belongs, but instead she decides to run into an open field and let pigfuck snatch her ass up in a crystal. This doesn't just happen in one exclusive title, but in EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM (with the exception of the srsly fucking strange ones). Thankfully, she has a small green retard with no dick come to her rescue every time.
Due to the nature of the plot similarity of many Zelda games, the plot of most can be efficiently determined using the following paragraph, conveniently filling in the blanks with the table. It is well known within Nintendo that using this old Mad Libs trick, one can easily write a whole new chapter of any Nintendo game!
In (1), (2); so Link must (3). He must collect three (4) to get the (5). However, (6). So Link must do moar work to collect (7). He then gets the (8) sword, which he uses to defeat (9). However, it did not end here, as he still had to (10).
| 1 | Ocarina of Time | Twilight Princess | A Link to the Past | The Minish Cap | The Wind Waker | The Phantom Hourglass | Spirit Tracks |
| 2 | Ganondorf must be stopped | Zelda was kidnapped and the Twilight must be stopped | Zelda was kidnapped | Zelda got stoned | Aryll was kidnapped | Zelda's alter ego, Tetra, was kidnapped | Zelda gets fragged |
| 3 | stop him | save her | save her | restore her | save her | save her | tell her where to go |
| 4 | Spiritual Stones | Fused Shadows | Medallions | Elements | Goddess's Pearls | Spirits | or four train tracks |
| 5 | Master Sword | Master Sword | Master Sword | Picori Blade | Master Sword | GPS navigation | plot to advance |
| 6 | this helps Ganondorf | Zant takes the Fused Shadows | Agahnim flees | there's another element | the blade is dull | Tetra's a rock | there's another dungeon |
| 7 | the Sages | the Mirror Shards | the Princesses | the Wind Element | two Sages | the Pure Metals | Byrne tells you about a fucking light compass |
| 8 | Light Arrow | Light | Golden | Four | sharp Master | Phantom | Lokomo |
| 9 | Ganondorf | Zant | Ganon | Vaati | some puppets | Bellum | Johnny Two-hats |
| 10 | beat Ganon | free Zelda and beat Ganondorf three times | listen to triangles | for real beat Vaati | beat Ganondorf | save Linebeck | Kill Malladus |
Note that in Twilight Princess, steps 5 and 6 occur in reverse order.
Spirit Tracks
Link is on another adventure except this time, they are TRAINS. With the annoying Niko around again, Link apparently shares a house with an old pedo. To be a official engineer, Link goes to get his certificate. Instead of ships, Link finds it much better to use a train. When Link gets there, a stupid guard tells him to gtfo. Suddenly, Chancellor Cole comes and tells the fag to stfu. YESH! You have gotten your certificate! But Zelda wants you to meet her in her room. Later: Zelda gets fragged. It's kind of the same people, except this time it's her own Chancellor and a fucking buff random guy. Oh goodie! Instead of killing Zelda completely, they want her to coax Link into getting her body back. And after arriving at the tower of spirits, Anjean tells Zelda about what shit she is. But the thing that pisses most noobs out there is, "OH! THAT FUCKING BOSS WAZ EASY!" or, "Why did Byrne die?!" Who cares? Enjoy the fucking game, you lards!
Fanboys
Just as with every other game series that was invented at least 100 years ago, there are a legion of fanboys who love discussing the game (and what Zelda, Link, and Midna would look like naked) while having a circle jerk.
Nintendo Life and GameSpot's shitty reviews of Tri-Force Heroes
Just take a look at these stellar reviews written by professionals. [1], [2]
Gannon-Banned
A minor GameFAQs meme originating from a guy taking Zelda way too seriously. He started a website detailing all of his "rules" for the Zelda fandom, and threatening anyone who transgressed with a GANNON-BAN. Note that the text at the top proclaiming it to be for the lulz is quite recent, and obviously a reaction to a severe case of butthurt. He also calls /b/ his army to invade Nintendo, which has an inherent flaw.
Timeline
Since the Zelda games are intentionally made out of chronological order, many fans of the series like to discuss their timeline theories. When these people try to "win" a debate, most of them yell, cuss, and analyze every detail of their story to avoid continuity errors and plotholes with other games, as the developers did when writing the games' stories, in order to prove their theory is correct, and all others are wrong.
A certain virgin by the name of ocarinahero10 wasted countless hours compiling a video on JewTube about his take on the timeline while furiously masturbating over Zelda figurines. He sent his video to Nintendo, and asked them what they thought about it. The reply from Nintendo crashed down upon him and every Timelinefag's world and shattered their dreams and years of dedication to this faggotry.
Shigeru Miyamoto and Eiji Aonuma Speak
Regarding the issue of the timeline, series heads Shigeru Miyamoto and Eiji Aonuma have both said that they have documents describing the timeline in detail, but they are top secret and can never be viewed by ANYONE, EVAR!!! In order to mess with Zelda timeline theorists, these expert trolls purposely put contradicting evidence in each game, then sit back and watch the heated debates.
—Shigeru Miyamoto, 2003, Zelda Series Creator/Troll | ||
Zelda Timeline Revealed (Millions Butthurt)
Because Miyamoto and Aonuma were tired of people bitching about how they don't care about the timeline (see above), they actually made a timeline and released it in a book about Zelda with a bunch of other shit that nobody else cars about. Millions (no literally, millions) were butthurt because Miyamoto and Aonuma looked at what everyone thought, said, "Fuck that, let's give the timeline a triple split!" and epically trolled the entire Zelda community.
Timeline Breakdown
- 1. Skyward Sword - It's first, and it has awesome robots.
- 2. The Minish Cap - The origin of Vaati and the sword that lets Link have a 4-way with himself.
- 3. Four Swords - Not many people played it.
- 4. Ocarina of Time - Overrated game that splits the timeline 3 ways.
- 5a. A Link to the Past - Link is defeated by Ganon in Ocarina of Time, which leads to this game, in which Ganon rapes maidens in order to control Hyrule and creates another world that looks like Hyrule except it's all dark and evil.
- 6a. Oracle of Ages/Oracle of Seasons - The Triforce sends Link away from Hyrule because it hates him, but he finds a way back, anyways after controlling the seasons and time or something like that.
- 7a. Link's Awakening - The Triforce tries to kill Link by putting him in a coma, and ends up on an island that's only part of a dream but he snaps out of it and goes back to Hyrule again (what an asshole).
- 8a. A Link Between Worlds - Basically a remake of ALTTP except there's this expy of Hyrule called Lorule and some ginger dork named Yuga is trying to resurrect Ganon and there's a furry that charges you for weapons and items.
- 9a. Tri-Froce Heroes - Link is set to a kingdom that has a fetish about fashion and there's also these two other Links but guess what, they're not even the same person. Nice storytelling from Nintendo, right?
- 10a. The Legend of Zelda - The first game evar made. Ganon only rapes Zelda in this one.
- 11a. The Adventure of Link - Link grows up and starts having weird feelings for other men, but then he's gotta save another Zelda because he's destined to do so.
- 12b. Majora's Mask - Zelda sends Link back to his own time at the end of Ocarina of Time, and then Skull kid fucks shit up with a bad mask in another universe and causes the moon to fall in just 3 days, and Link has to stop him.
- 13b. Twilight Princess - I would describe the plot, but the game was just an excuse to create the character Midna, to give fanboys something else to jack off to.
- 14b. Four Swords Adventures - Less people played this than those who played Four Swords. It sucked. You know why? No robots.
- 15c. The Wind Waker - After Zelda sends Link back to his own time in Ocarina of Time, no Hero can save Hyrule from a revived Ganon, and Link sets out to save his loli sister on a boring ocean.
- 16c. Phantom Hourglass - Looking for an excuse to rehash the plot of Link's Awakening, except Link tries to stop an evil hourglass and some eggplant king or something like that.
- 17c. Spirit Tracks - Link rides a train. It's as exciting as it sounds.
- 18. Breath Of The Wild takes place over 20,000 years after any of the games.
Jim Sterling vs Zelda fans
On the 15th of Mars Jim Sterling made a review on Zelda: Breath of the Wild and gave the game a 7 out of 10. Despite the score being fairly high the Zelda fandom immediately decided to attack him. Please consider for a moment that Islam being offended over you making fun of Muhammad is not even this bad since this is closer to saying "I think Muhammad was a great man and deserves much respect" and still get killed for not saying he is the greatest man who ever lived. The heavy amount of fanfaggatory that has not been seen since the popularity of Twilight has not only shamed the Zelda fandom but forced ED to defend Jim Sterling of all people.
Jims response to all this faggatory
Female Link
The ship has sailed on in! Like most overweight, obsessive compulsive, socially retarded recluses, Zelda fan-tards love their fap fodder! Like most fan-tard communities they've taken it well beyond any semblance of normalcy or decency, to the point that they've spawned forth gender bender characters to role play with in order to try and live out their ultimate fantasy of actually having a girlfriend! Some argue though that it's all just a thinly veiled excuse to try and hide overly obvious homoerotic fantasies and couching them in the guise of boob endowed pseudo normalcy. Also, some fucktard dad modded his daughter's copy of Wind Waker and made Link a girl. Seriously.
Galleries
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He's Link. Early prototype
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Link as an infant in Philop's fucked up mind.
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Link in the now.
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It'll come in handy later.
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Link when you told him you're not gay
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Link's forgotten siblings
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What if Zelda was a girl?
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Advertising the secret drag level.
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The lame get lamer.
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Fanart. Photoshop'd for realism.
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Midna IRL. No really, it is.
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Legend of incest?
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Michael Jackson guest starring as a zombie.
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Fangirls freak out when they find out there's a heavily pixillated scene of Link without his shirt on
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The Skull Kid's(AKA Nigger Kid's)mask
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Skyward Sword concept art.
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Trolling Players
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Link after finding the Master Sword.
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Link likes to fist his fans before each battle.
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Sword so shiny!
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Indeed...
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Considered to be the savior of the series. Fanboys worship and receive orgasms over Majora.
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Destroy that imp anus
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Twilight Princess Secret Ending
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Whatever happened to Veran?
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Just about the most horriblest thing ever.
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Link and Midna escape using jet propulsion.
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Link and Midna on their way to the next dungeon.
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SCORE!
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Sheik sure loves nigger dicks.
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Link is left-handed.
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Not a problem, princess!
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Link is an asshole.
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Videos
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See also
- The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild
- LINK MAH BOIIIII
- Haunted Majora's Mask Cartridge
- Nintendo
- Triforce
- Zelda Universe
- Jim Sterling
External Links
- Piss off zelda fags
- Source of the "Gannon-Banned" meme
- Nintendo.com subscriber exclusive: The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Porn Star
- Troll Zelda fans by linking to this review
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