Cracked
Sylvester P. Smythe was Cracked Magazine's mascot for many years until the Internets happened.
Cracked.com is an unfunny MAD Magazine ripoff that, after years of declining readership, made a few attempts at changing from ripping off more successful humor magazines to ripping off more successful men's magazines before giving up, shutting down and "moving to an online format" (Read: Giving up but still not being able to just let it go) which it is now repeating the same pattern.
Ever since its conception, Cracked has been nothing more but a wretched hive of complete dickass white nerd snark fuckery with 'TUDE, complete with a collection of clickbait list articles, frat boy wannabe "mandom philosophy" garbage about how humans need to evolve to shit pizza and piss beer, "self aware" pedantic myopia with a side of ass to mouth know it all smugness, and manchild levels of "look at the freak" attention whoring that has not been funny for years ever to anyone with even a neuron of brain matter. If future society ever wants to know what killed America, we at ED can recommend them excavating Cracked.com for doing that.
Many say that since Gamergate, Cracked has sunk to a new low with its recent attempts to try and turn back time to when anyone cared about them by catering to the Social Justice crowd instead of just cutting their losses and closing up shop, but truth has always remained, nice, long and hard- It's always been at the bottom of the septic tank. This place has more self pitying hypocrite dick size frustrated geeks of such self righteous indulgence and white knighting that it's practically the suckling fountain wellspring for fatheaded atheists and ego seeking hobby abusing socially inept cringe inducing nerds that attempt to play dress up with the man pants, testosterone highs, and 50 caliber guns.
Content
Much of Cracked's content was generated by its members straight on their flies and out their asses out of the use of smug and complacent "manly White Man/First World self aware superiority and exception". The title of editor also is just a front for the guy who helps supply beer and cocaine to help fuel their loose cannon writing and is simply a yes man. Ironically, you could give a roomful of monkeys the same logistics and you would get a better result over 9000 fold. These contributors would not know comedy if it was sodomizing their virgin ass. But that's alright, because periodically there was some shit that happened to be hilarious, albeit unintentionally. It's sort of like jacking off, you don't know when you'll cum (28 seconds) but it'll feel good until you get there.
It is worth noting that Cracked is condescending, tame, and unfunny, instead choosing to pander to the lowest common denominator of humor, including using stereotypes as facts and focusing on "normalfags" and likeminded immature men wannabees. Their writers would rather poke fun at such easy targets as hipsters, hippies, "weird" things like god forbid, different cultures a border away, anything that doesn't fuel their "cool self aware image", and conspiracy theorists, rather than saying anything truly edgy at the risk of (god forbid) offending anyone and losing precious ad revenue. In return, all of this shit is so passive aggressively two faced and backassed that it feels like it's facetious and pussyfooting that it only appeals to likeminded douchebags.
Numbered Lists
Numbered lists are one of the two main sources "entertainment" that Cracked provides us. Said numbered lists are given in no real order, instead serving as break-points for the Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder addled readers of the e-publication. The comments sections of said lists are equally ADHD addled, but more on that later. Despite the fact that some readers tend to follow the website daily for updates, they somehow missed the memo that lists are not given in any particular order.
Video Content
Videos on Cracked are rather hit and miss. With more misses than hits. One simply needs to stop and take a look at said videos to determine whether or not they are a complete waste of time, breath, and effort. There is no real typical video from Cracked as there is plenty of fan submissions as much as from the regular contributors.
—Agents of Cracked, the Chief | ||
Topics
Cracked Topics are pretty much a complete and total waste of fucking time. The premise was a good idea; short Wikipedia-like entries for a few quick laughs and done in an easy format so retards that can't write could contribute. The problem is the retards that can't write that contribute. By the end of 2010, Cracked ran completely out of topics for articles, but did that stop them? Hell no, it just made them try to pump out more shit. What used to be two articles, and a blog a day, and one weekly craption or photoplasty contest, turned into four shit articles, a pretentious unfunny blog, and daily horribly unfunny photoplasty contest with shit topics. For every 50 Topics that are submitted, 1 of them is bearable, and an ungodly majority of these articles are about World War Two (never showing Nazis in a positive light, because that would be offensive), and about shit you already knew. Normally, you simply end up with graphs and flowcharts that attempt to make amusing quips and observations. Most of the time, these sections are worth skipping. Here is an example of a topic, regarding a subject that us EDiots know and love.
Titles
For a very long time now, Cracked has baited people into reading these articles, by blowing every fucking title out of proportion, no matter how mundane the topic. These titles are as if they are written by a 90's manchild, stuck in a 2007 infinite time loop, as all of them are EXTREME!
Examples
- 5 Shocking Things You Didn't Know About Taxes
- 7 Horrendous Ways People Store Their Food
- 4 Hysterical Incidents Of People Forgetting To Set Their Alarm
- 6 Weird Japanese Things That Are Weird Because Of It Being Japanese (Japanese Are Weird Backwards People Aren't They Weird It's So Weird readourshititssointerestingndweird)
- 12 Humongous objects that you won't believe we can shove into our editors' assholes!
- 6 Insane Places You Should Go To On Vacation
- 9 Appalling Ways Air is Racist
- 5 Shocking Ways People Keep Making Technology Racist (that wasn't parody, that's the actual article)
- 5 Disturbing ways Donald Trump is worse than Hitler, the Antichrist and Satan. (most recent)
- Why *insert movie villain from a movie everyone stopped giving a shit about ages ago* is actually the good guy
- Why this 90's movie is secretly about child molestation, slavery or the holocaust.
- How *insert popular movie franchise* ruined movies FOREVER
Comics
There are two parts of Cracked that make it seem as though they thoroughly enjoy trolling their own user base. One of them is Cody (More on him in a minute), and the other is the comics. The comics that they post are generally submitted from external sources for a run until enough of the fans get pissed enough to mob Cracked HQ and threaten to burn it down. The comment section of most comics will typically be smoking some 50 years after the original posting due to the rabid amount of hatred, flaming, and gnashing of teeth their posted comics typically warrant. Mainly, this is because the humor in them is generally drier than your mother's twat with more text than the unabridged version of War and Peace. (The Google it, retards.)
Craptions
The Craptions contest is simply putting a funny and/or disturbing caption to a strange picture they happen to dig up for the day. They had to put a giant fucking countdown timer on it because of the number of people butthurt over missing entry periods. Though if contributors are so stupid that it even mattered that much, large digital numbers probably won't help. Winners of Craptions are typically fairly varied. Some are amusing, others; not so much. Since 2010, Craptions are being very slowly phased out of Cracked. This may be because the typical winners make fun of other races, genders or religion, and we can't have that, can we?
Photoplasty
"Photoplasty" is Cracked's counterpart to Something Awful's Photoshop Phriday, renamed so as not to offend gimps. A couple of years ago, it was revealed that only the winner is actually picked by the Cracked staff, and everything else is in a random order, meaning you can have a 5 minute MSPaint job ahead of someone's Photoshopped 9th Symphony. Strangely, this hasn't stopped some fail entries from winning the entire competition, and the comments section made their opinions felt at the outcome.
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Yes, nothing has changed in the image from the original apart from the Olive Garden logo.
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What all photoplasty winners should do.
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Can't photoshop? Just stick a random word over something and you can win 100 jewgolds too!
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Two random images put together = Double the chances!
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But three random images put together = Triple the chances!
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For some reason, Cracked holds a burning hatred towards Jeff Dunham. Maybe it's because he's actually funny?
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Oh wow. REALLY hard to see what this is referencing *cough Buffalo Bill cough*
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Put text over image. ????? Instant $100!
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Yes, this actually won the competition. And it produced butthurt.
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GAH! MY EYES! THE .JPG COMPRESSION BURNS!
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Sometimes, you don't even have to Photoshop a damn thing to win.
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On rare occasions though, the winners are funny. Such as this. The only problem is, this didn't win.
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An average Photoplastier at work.
14 Terrible Bloggers You Wouldn't Want Your Children to Meet
The bloggers of Cracked are where one typically will look for funny. Most of the bloggers offer up a warped persona so that the basement-dwelling denizens of the comments section can have someone to relate to. Unless you're Cody, who everyone seems to simply want to crucify. Thus making him an epic troll; since he is getting paid to produce work that does little other than piss people the fuck off. Visit any one of his articles (and most videos) and you can be privy to the death threats and hatred for his humor and writing style.
- Felix Clay: Crazy-ass motherfucker. It is a known fact that he eats anything and everything, from cum-stained sweets to flavored condoms. No, seriously. He has also took it up the ass by fat men at orgies. Again, this is not a joke. His final article may be entitled "1 Reason Why I Learnt You Shouldn't Make a Cocktail From Bleach and Caustic Lye."
- Adam Todd Brown: Used to be funny, many moons ago. Only ever writes about the music industry. As of 2014, his writing has become too edgy for Cracked commenters to handle, and may be shown the door very soon. The two types of his articles can be summed up as: And that's about it. Next columnist.
- Winston Rowntree: The newest addition to Cracked's regular columnists, and was a fairly decent cartoonist before joining Cracked. His style of humor quickly ran out though, and has now degenerated into DESTROY THE PATRIARCHY! and OH MY GOD, NICKELBACK SUCKS BALLS! It's ok though, because cartoons. (It's a proven fact that a typical Cracked reader has so short of an attention span, any drawing worth two cents will be enough to captivate them for the rest of the day).
- Christina Hendricks: Unfunny azn that shares her name with a well known actress. Likes to tell you about her cats. Was supposedly fired from Cracked in early 2012, and one look at her writing tells you why. It should be noted that she really doesn't like being told how shit her writing is in the comment section, and her loyal rabid fanboys, fangirls and fantrans will be sure to let you hear about it.
- Dan O'Brien: EDiot's Note: This is NOT the British pedophile Dan O'Brien. DOB has been with Cracked for quite some time and serves as one of the members of the editorial team in addition to being a regular contributor. He blogs once a week and his range usually scopes from amusing misadventures to utterly mocking the more moronic facets of society at large. DOB is also the first and last winner of the weblog awards webLAME award webSTUPID award for jerks; presented to him after trolling weblog for not including him on the ballot for best blogger.
- Michael Swaim is a blogger cum vlogger (lol; 'cum') with a twisted sense of humor and a propensity for mocking the more stupid aspects of pop culture. His videos typically follow the same grain and make for some amusing material. His delivery always seems to be in the punch you in the face direct variety, but that's okay because S.ex W.ith A.ntelopes I.s M.erry.
- Robert Brockway fits the mold of most of the rest of the bloggers at Cracked as much as any of them. His writings tend to focus on peeling back the stupidity of different facets of society. His version of Choose Your Own Drug-Fueled Misadventures have endeared him to the community, probably because most of the community are too busy to bother hot-railing back some fat rails of crystal meth and going on a multi-day adventure that usually ends in being locked up.
Besides this he receives bribes to write about games that are actually shit (evidence 1 evidence 2). Notice the fellatio he gives. - Soren Bowie surprised many of the readers of Cracked by actually being pretty amusing in his writing even though he was playing the quietly psychotic retard angle of a personality, which is basically what everyone that contributes plays. Sort of like how the entirety of ED is convinced that JEWS DID WTC. As of 2014, he has degenerated into a meme of himself, with even the male commenters admitting that they'd bend over for him.
- Chris Bucholz: The utter chaos that exists in Bucholz creative brain is something to behold. His articles are usually a combination of extremely conflicting topics that he somehow manages to bring together in an amusing fashion. Some of his writings are what the fuck'ish in nature, but that seems to be fairly in line with Cracked's policy of fucking with it's readers.
- Seanbaby: You can find more information on Seanbaby at the link. To be noted is the popularity amongst the users of his 50's style comic book pages featuring such memorable characters as Dick Whiskey and Punch Master. Doesn't write jackshit anymore, although when he does it's usually quite humorous.
- Gladstone: He hasn't contributed much to the site as of late, though did for a long time. Believed to be one of "those" that did 9/11. You know who I'm talking about. Yup, he is "one of them".
- Cody is the proof that the upper management of Cracked are trolls of the greatest variety. Cody became a blogger shortly after the popularity of some of his videos shot him up. His Game Helpin' Squad videos are pretty entertaining for those of us no life losers who will understand obscure gaming practices. His blog posts are almost all terrible. His sense of humor seems to be nonexistent in them, so much so that it is just as likely that he is doing it on purpose for the lulz. Scroll down to the comments of his blog posts for all the creative death threats the 18-30 male demographic can muster.
- John Cheese: Real name Mack Leighty; the fake name is a parody of John Cleese, somebody more funny than a hack like Leighty will ever be. Former columnist at Pointlesswasteoftime.com. He drank for your sins, stepped down to rehab, and now won't shut the fuck up about it. Much less amusing, now that his drunken webcam capers have come to an end. He has recently become a preachy moralfag who, like the father he is, won't stop chewing his audience out to get off their asses and improve their pitiful lives. He was abused as a child by his Daddy as well, which, like his former drinking problem, he also won't shut the fuck up about. Comes off like the one kid at school who tries to be more mature than everybody else and lets everybody else know how mature he thinks he is. Needs to
stop writing articles about how togrow up. His quest for maturity led to him getting married then divorced leaving his three children with a broken family. Lulz are frequent in his articles' comment sections, as everyone and anyone likes to mock his shit writing skills. - David Wong: Another holdover from PWOT, with yet another fake name, this one being Jason Pargin. whose horror-themed fiction has garnered intense interest on the Web. One of his rape stories has been adapted into a feature film starring Paul Giamatti.
Drama
The 5 Major Cities Most Likely to Be Spectacularly Destroyed
On April 15th, 2013, an article was posted entitled "The 5 Major Cities Most Likely to Be Spectacularly Destroyed". The article was relatively non-noteworthy, until a few hours later, something rather significant went down in Boston. Despite the article being about NATURAL disasters and not man-made ones, the article was wiped clean and a message was put up in its place. This remained in place until the 17th. Quite rightly, the comment section went into a frenzy between moralfags who thought it was right to take the article down, and indignant readers who wanted to read the rest of the article (some turned the page at the precise moment the article was took down.)
The Bloody Board
In one article called "The 7 Most Unintentionally Creepy Places on the Internet", Cracked decided to list just that. Among the list were Edarem and John Kerry, but the one that caught most of the internet's attention was The Bloody Board. An abandoned message board that was run and used by one user almost exclusively.
Over the course of a few years, the owner of this forum had amassed about 70,000 posts about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and her obvious desire to be fucked in the ass by Spike. Almost all threads were empty except for her posting and replying to herself.
At the sight of this, the epitome of patheticness, the internet raided the forum and forced it's owner into hiding.
SJW shilling The Quinnspiracy
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BREAKING NEWS: According to Cracked.com admins gamers invented AIDS |
In the wake of their plummeting pageview count, the owners of Cracked had to find a new way to get their hand on that sweet, sweet Jewgold. A solution was soon found and the site dropped all pretenses of not being a Leftard echo chamber and cranked it up all the way to 11 and into Social Justice territory.
Seeing as how social justice warriors were looking for some place other than tumblr that will tell them they aren't a bunch of losers, Cracked stepped up and the site was soon being flooded with more and more articles about trannies, feminism, social justice, how MRAs are a bunch of faggots that are angry because they can't get laid and how air is racist. After a couple of years, an opportunity arose to jump on the bandwagon on the newest hot-button issue, GamerGate.
Cracked, like many websites, at first refused to report upon the Zoe Quim scandal and outright deleted anyone's attempts to create a discussion. This is because in the wacky world of Cracked, it is impossible for a woman to do anything wrong and objectionable. Considering the main topics on Cracked are video games and SJWs, there was absolutely no way they had not heard of this and were simply pretending it didn't exist, a tactic employed by babies during a game of peekaboo.
Needless to say, they soon realized that they could not longer ignore the issue and found it better to go from avoiding the issue of Zoe to full-on doing PR for her and thereby profiting by pandering to their newly found readerbase. They soon wrote not one, not two, not three, not four, not Five (This one out right saying anyone against a social justice warrior is a bad guy), But six fucking articles about how GamerGate is shit and gamers are nerds (6.5 if you count this one which was so shit that The Huffington Post wrote a response to debunk it), one of which was written by Zoe herself and at its end she declares GamerGate to be over as if that will magically make it true and get people to leave her alone.
All of this happened in the span of four days. They shat out an article on #TheFappening before they even considered making an article on GamerGate, despite the latter being a pressing issue 3 weeks before. On the first day they published an article implicitly denouncing GamerGate, on the third they let Zoe write an article herself and use the site as a soapbox and on the fourth, after noticing a spike in traffic unlike their dying site has seen in years, wrote two more articles on the same day.
David Wong was quick to brag about how the Zoe article gained them tons of traffic (further illustrating how far they have fallen), and on the next day say that it seems that he has "lost the GamerGate's attention", not realizing that this loss of attention is a big chunk of what is left of his readership leaving him like rats escaping a sinking ship.
But don't go to the forum to try and talk to them about it because this will happen:
Use scrollbar to see the full image
No deviations from the groupthink prohibited
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(guess who published a sixth article about GamerGate? Not mention of AIDS in this one)
Offering to Write Articles Under Other People's Names
See that guy up there saying gamers cause AIDS? That's JF Sargent. You know what else he does? Offer people to write articles pretending to be them for clickbait.
When some other guy was the center of some internet drama, JF contacted him and asked if he would let him write an article and slap his name on it. This would have stayed secret were it not for him getting involved in GamerGate and the info being exposed by The Ralph Retort. It makes you wonder if Zoe even really wrote that article or if it was JF again.
Cracked's Message to ED in response to Quinnspiracy
—Cracked in its tumblr hugbox | ||
—How ED sees the call-out. | ||
Yeah Cracked, a bunch of hipsters who can't even get a real job are frightening us.
- ED: 1
- Cracked: -4
Ratings
Comments
Top Commenters
Below are the people that all readers of Cracked must aspire to, for they are the übermensch, but to anyone else, they are the cancer killing Cracked.
Reallifegirl Is supposedly a girl in real life, but we all know that's false. Gets highest comment roughly 75% of the time, and has never had a single red-thumbed comment. Ever. Has all the male commenters in a virtual dick-lock as even suggesting you have a slightly different opinion to her will make everyone call you "sexist" and bury you in red thumbs, so don't even try it silly over-privileged cishet white male! |
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Hall of Faggotry
The true lulz behind Cracked however comes from the comments as their target audience migrates over from YouTube. As much as they want to deny it, they aren't much better than the aforementioned commenters they like to make fun of.
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How an average pun thread on Cracked works. A bunch of unfunny people ride on the coattails of people who are very slightly funnier. That's about it.
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The average IQ of a Cracked commenter in action.
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CaptainFajardo spitting the truth.
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More intelligence on display here.
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With a username like "abortionist9", you can't go wrong.
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And yet you're still enough of a moron to be a brony.
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They seriously think their pun threads are better than actual humor. Holy shit.
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As of 22/4, no one on Cracked has reported these to their "Report Abusive Commenters Here" thread. Maybe they think it's a genuine argument?
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I'm 100% nigger.
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CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGE!!!
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Spot the beta.
18 Ways You Can Piss Off The Entire Comment Section
- Call out the female commenters for using their gender as an excuse to thumb-whore.
- Say that you are glad that Roger Ebert died.
- Say that an article sucked and give the author a death-threat.
- Tell them that Jeff Dunham is a better comedian and is more successful than any of the so-called "comedians" ever will be.
- Inform them of the well-proven fact that Die Hard 4 (82%) is a better film than Die Hard 3 (51%).
- Be a teenager. It seems that Cracked has a hard-on for oldfags and their crippling inability to get with the times, while using decade-old stereotypes.
- Everything WASN'T better in the 1990s.
- Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was a good film.
- Call out the readers and writers as White Knighting SJW phony Democrat Liberal pussy seekers and yell out how much you "support" Donald Trump.
- The fact that ALL of the people behind novelty accounts are just forever alone, autistic NEETS who have no life.
- Firefly was a lame series that will never return.
- The Matrix sequels, the Alien sequels and Catwoman were all films that actually happened. Saying they didn't is like saying any of the commenters have lost their virginity.
- Miller > Moore
- Spanking is child abuse. Anyone who practices it is too much of a pussy to hit an animal that can defend itself.
- Claim Obscure Weaboo Japan RPGs made for the Nintendo DS are better than faggot tryhard gorefest military man wish fulfillment FPSes and the shit that Zoe Quinn and her secret society of followers push out as "video games".
- No matter how much time passes and how good they try to cover it, the fact that Transgendered people have the wrong set of chromosomes, and a plastic-moulded vagina/penis will never beat the real deal. Also, anyone who fucks them is technically a faggot.
- Say anything to the effect of, Edison was better than Tesla.
- Rag out everyone and the writer on a "Weird Japan" list for being unfunny racists. See the sparks fly, and then laugh at how pathetic the despondents are by acknowledging that they are keyboard warriors with a shitty quality of life brought to them by their own flawed system.
COMING SOON: The 50 Reasons Why The 18 Ways You Can Piss Off The Entire Comment Section On Cracked List On Encyclopedia Dramatica Is The Product of Satan's Asshole By Cracked On Cracked.com READ TODAY
Gallery
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Cracked: Then and Now
External links
5 Things I Learned From Being Addicted to Child Porn No, this is a legit article on there. We are not making this up. It is not a sh00p. Parody is dead.- 5 Ways The MRA Indoctrinates New Members With Cult Tactics - That's funny, MRAs make up the vast majority of Cracked's readerbase. Way to reveal your bribe, you two faced SJW bitch
- 18 Acts Of Sarcasm That Make Us Proud To Be Smartasses - Cracked user gicusudoru ranked Brianna Wu #4 in the list.
- 5 Uncomfortable Truths About Cracked Magazine
See Also
- MAD magazine — the magazine that Cracked originally ripped off
- Clickbait
- BuzzFeed
- Lulz
- Seanbaby
- The Bloody Board
- Edarem
- John Kerry
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Cracked is part of a series on Visit the Sites Portal for complete coverage. |
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Cracked is part of a series on Visit the Social Justice Portal for complete coverage. |
| Featured article September 25 & 26, 2014 | ||
| Preceded by Feminist Frequency |
Cracked | Succeeded by Leigh Alexander |