A raver frequents raves, which are large drug-fueled parties where a hippie plays the same song for six hours. They are typically teenagers, twinks or sick fucks who prey on the young'ns. Ravers enjoy listening to house and techno music, taking copious amounts of drugs (most notably ecstasy), and dancing with glowsticks. It is a well-known fact that ravers never live past the age of 25, due to the fact that they all die from trying to put all the drugs in the world into their bodies at the same time. This is why the only people you'll ever see at raves are acne-ridden jobless teenagers and college dropouts.
We are indebted to the Drug Enforcement Agency (DEA) for much of the sooper-sekrit information in this handy guide:
Raver Fashion
There are several different varieties of raver fashion, and most of them were designed to make people look incredibly stupid, and to burn out the retinas of those who dare look upon them. The DEA identifies the primary types of 'ravegoer' and their tricks, noting that many are furries and others are animu-kin. They buy their paraphernalia from highly specialist outlets:
The most familiar and most obnoxious type of raver fashion is that of "kandi," which involves wearing brightly colored over-sized pants, "kandi" jewelry, wings, and a vacant facial expression. The latter is caused by taking too many drugs, and can last for days.
Nobody likes kandi ravers anymore, due to their immaturity and their insistence on adhering to the ideals of P.L.U.R., which isn't such a bad idea after all.
Only hoodies and cargo pants are allowed. Bonus points are awarded for use of "urban camouflage." Junglists don't like anybody. African Americans easily relate to Jungle music because they came from Africa at least 100 years ago. Junglists like to think they're Jamaican, probably because they want to live in poverty apparently.
Cyber Goth
Usually the fat people with the dread falls and way too much makeup that you see at raves. They won't talk to you, because they are 'far too cool'. They wear lots of leather and tight clothes, since they get their fashion advice from The Matrix movies.
Can be seen puffing away on joints in the middle of the crowd. You can identify them by their tye-dye Grateful Dead T-shirts, dreadlocks, festival pants and dilated pupils due to large intake of acid and molly. They're "only here to see Shpongle/Bassnectar/Pretty Lights, man." Usually friendly and willing to share their large stores of drugs and free-lovin' hippie-hoes.
They're wearing polo shirts and khakis. They're not there for the music; they're frat boys looking for drugs. Or alcohol. Or cox. Or to knife you. Or because they think they're United Kingdom even though they're from Wisconsin.
Your normal, average Joe who probably got coerced by his friends into the scene. He can't dance, he can't glowstick for shit, but he likes (some) drugs and probably is more or less there for the music. Given a few months, he will turn into a scene sleaze and go to every party, thus not giving him enough money to pay his bills, and will have his house foreclosed by year's end. Be kind, feed these people drugs in moderation, and show them the ropes.
Imagine a candy raver gone overboard and remove the drugs. That guy over there asking about where to find some acid? He's a cop. Sell him some bad acid and insist he eat it in front of you. The pig can easily be spotted due to their age, as police departments still haven't gotten the message about "sticking out like a sore thumb". Most ravers are late teens, early-mid twenties. Cops will almost always be in their 40s, balding, and in what they think are contemporary street clothes.
If he is in fact a candy raver, keep avoiding him.
Rave music
Whenever you go to a rave, don't expect to see any musical instruments at all. Turntables are not instruments either; don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Thus electronic music takes less talent to make than fucking Black Metal. The only thing ravers listen to is electronic music, which everyone else calls techno. Never call it that though, as you'll have an hours-long argument on your hands, as the raver will try to educate you on the intricate "flavors" of electronic music. The general rule is that the worse the electronic music, the more likely you are to hear it at a rave. Even shithead and well-known wigger, Eminem, knows that raver "music" sucks.
The DEA investigated and found that, despite disinformation put about by beatniks from Shangri-La, there were only a few varieties of rave music.
Since electronic music does not necessarily equate "raver", the best way to troll a fan of any form of electronic music is to tell them it's raver music and ask them if they have any glowsticks or ecstasy on them--unless they actually are a raver, in which case they probably do. Be sure to ask them the differences between the various forms of electronic music, as there are over 9000 and they will be sure to waste their time listing them all.
TIK-TOK!
DA-DA-DANANANAAAAUHN TISS UHN TISS BABY
Click on one of the below categories to expand its content.
Techno •
Drum/Bass •
Hardstyle •
Industrial •
Other
Techno is what music would be if it were made by machines. Poorly programmed machines. It was simultaneously created in Detroit and London, proving that no one who makes electronic music is unique or creative. As techno is the musical form of dog shit, there is a minimalist sub-genres designed to be as stark and soulless as possible--stark and soulless dog shit.
To be fair, Techno is just a blanket term for some music that came before and after it, so it can't be blamed for ALL the faggotry. Not that it's ever tried to stop itself, even in the beginning...
Created in the '80s by gaynigras in Chicago (no srsly), this is the music you get when you use the presets on your drum machine to get a never-ending 4/4 beat. Sometimes producers add bass or bleeps to make it slightly less boring. House snobs are the second worst elitists in the scene, only outdone by junglists. To create house music yourself, dig out your old Donna Summers album and turn the bass all the way up. Then move the pitch up and down. Note: The reason this only works with Donna Summers albums is because they were produced by Giorgio Moroder, electronic music's version of Christopher Walken.
Predictably, rave and house music was very popular in Europe during the late 1980s, where people showed up to fields, took ecstasy and had buttsex every week. This almost achieved the level of a national past-time in United Kingdom until normal people and the police decided they did not like ravers causing anarchy so they they killed all of them by listening to angsty Americans jabbing themselves with heroin needles. Unfortunately, the deformed and mentally retarded raver offspring survived and are now known as chavs.
House music on ecstasy. It's full of six-minute snare rolls, squeally synth lines designed to make your trip harder, and breakdowns which last two days and have absolutely no beat. Trance music is the reason Candy ravers exist, since it's just as cheesy and juvenile as they are. There are a lot of types of trance, each sounding like its own type of crap (i.e., shit snowflakes), but Ibiza is the worst example of trance available. Nobody likes trance anymore, especially trance DJs, junglists, and you. Oh, and DJ Tiesto likes men.
Psytrance was created by whitehippies who visited, and then subsequently decided to take over, Goa India in an effort to obtain lulz. The white hippies enjoyed lots of psychedelics and talking to "Alien" (who turned out to be pedophiles) then created an entire sub-culture of annoyingly similar to shittechno music.
Over time "Goa Trance" evolved into 3981293415.8 sub-genres including, but not limited to: Psytrance, Prog trance, minimal, trauma, France, neuro, Suomi, Aussie, Forest, asshole, scary, evil, morning, shit, fluffy, Raping dead children while forcing your cock down their mothers throat, banging, The Hammer, Israeli, Cult of Gil and most pathetically, something called 'Psydub.' Most of it is unoriginal and spawns a lot of lulz; however, when high on drugs, people seem to dance to it.
A popular genre among English posh kids, who pretend to be hippies after being dropped off at a squat party by Daddy in his Range Rover. Notably distinct from traditional trance because it is not made exclusively by brain-dead gays.
Mostly ignored genre that swallowed up most of the early 90's Jungle attitude. Mainly adaptations of other dance "genres" unless it is goth shit or influenced by jungle. The center of the Drum & Bass universe is Dogs On Acid which is controlled by DJ Fresh, who is worshiped by people that listen to the BBC too much. Curiously, there are more genres and subgenres of Drum & Bass than there are in all other forms of music combined. This ploy is a desperate attempt to breath fresh air into a dying genre that has sounded the same for 10+ years, thus the "styles" of Drum & Bass are constantly debated, much like labels for emo music were in the days before MySpace, except here there is no end. The name is suspiciously close to "Cum on Ass", which is probably no coincidence. Here is a homemade recipe for drum & bass music:
Sample amen break A LOT (seriously, just keep sampling until I say stop)
Somebody sneezed once while programming a drumloop and breakbeat was born. It's stuttery, midtempo music that has way too many cheesy subgenres to discuss. All breakbeat songs use the same drum rhythm. Burned out Candy ravers and orange skins now listen to breaks. Junglists still don't like them.
The sound your brain makes the moment before you die of a massive methamphetamine and LSD overdose, Breakcore combines a clusterfuck of distorted death metal, grindcore and screams with relentless seizure-inducing blast beats played at over 9000 bpm. It is analogous to the crack-fueled triple penetration of your soul by a never-ending line of undead neo-nazi ravers. Listening to Breakcore grants immortality, but also turns you into a huge faggot. Note: Actually making breakcore music comes with a 20% increased chance of dreadlocks, numbs the faggotry with heavy drug abuse, and leaves you immortal to pwn everyone.
The result of stoners having bad trips because Drum & Bass is "too fast man". Dubstep is essentially slowed down, half step, shuffled Drum & Bass loaded with dub and rasta samples and enough wobbly bass to physically melt neurons. The resulting brain damage is evident in that there is only one Dubstep song and the rest of the genre consists of progressively worse versions of it.
For a more accurately description of Dubstep, be sure to read the article on it.
Although you might instantly assume Jungle is simply rap, Jungle is in fact a fast, aggressive form of "music" with elitist fans. When you get tired of listening to all the other shitty electronic music, you turn to Jungle (in the same way that disillusioned goths turn to Power Noise) to listen to more shitty electronic music. And, just like all other genres of electronic music, every jungle track sounds the same.
Junglists hate all other ravers and each other, and usually are on methamphetamines. They're most frequently found in the back room of raves, as nobody wants to associate with them, shuffling around in hoodies, grinding their teeth, grunting f-bombs, and tweaking. While all the other genre descriptions are parodies, this one is completely true.
Hardstyle is what happens when you combine brainless dutch retards with your mother. Basically, take any other worthless sub-genre division, amp the bass hits up to the point where they sound like being hit in the head with a board, and add in some annoying high pitched sirens, and you've got some shiny new hardcore. Half of these faggot genre entries, like Gabber and Hardcore are just sub-sub-genres of Hardstyle. And yet the faggots who listen to this genre think it's the most brutal, epic, ball-to-the-wall batshit crazy audio energy ti have ever rumbled the eardrums of a human. Get over it, you shits. Also known to attract Weeaboos from all over, due to the "J-Core" group DJ Sharpnel, and the fact the dance resembles DDR wankery. It's the same shit described before, but this time done with even less originality. DJ Sharpnel will just add basshits fucking everywhere and crank the tempo at around 400 BPM to popular Animu songs, with occasional samples stolen from Japanese sub-cultures. Yes, DJ Sharpnel is two people. Yes, they're ripping off Vocaloid music. Yes, this is fucking retarded.
how to dance to Hardstyle:
*Have no skill
*Don't move your arms
*Flail around with the rest of your body
*Box-step with your feet
*Jump as many times as you can for extra points
*Occasionally switch legs
*?????
*PROFIT
It should be noted that in the United Kingdom, "hardcore" means something completely different. Whilst 90% of the The Netherlands population were shaving their heads and killing black person for no good reason, the British were enjoying a much happier type of hardcore. Happy Hardcore is one of many great things to come out of Britain. This form is basically House sped up and done with more drugs, so it really didn't deserve a full section.
A typical Industrial fan.This is where industrial music is made.
Industrial is an elitist electronic sub-genre with multiple sub-genres of its own, including EBM and more forms of EBM. Although Industrial is not intrinsically goth, goths have invaded it like cockroaches in the slums, bringing great amounts of fail to a snobbish genre. Particularly, cybergoth bullshit has attached itself to Industrial because everyone knows when it comes to music, they gotta play dress-up. Predictably, most Industrial music is uninspired trash, probably because most of it sounds like the main "instrument" is a trash can.
For further explanation on this "dark" music genre, see one of its demi-gods, Trent Reznor.
Anything you can't categorize; it's probably ambient, or Intelligent Dance Music, or just plain shit, which is redundant. Within five minutes, someone will have devised a micro-subgenre to describe the one song that they're trying to figure out; within ten minutes, a micro-subgenre of that micro-subgenre will form for another song; fans will then smugly declare that their chosen subgenre is in fact the best and the other ones are all emo.
Eventually the Scenester jack-offs had to sodomize yet another genre of shit music, growing tired of destroying the Boy Band and Pop-Punk movements. However, no one actually expected them to set their sights on Electronic music - for all intents, it was the music their parents listened to, or those weird Goth kids liked. That is, until the band that made The Emo Song, Hollywood Undead, started using some synthesizers, and some bands like 3OH!3 and BrokeNCYDE realized they totally sucked without them. And thus, along with other underground hard-as-fuck types, they spawned a genre that would transcend the status of standard Techno music (by being profitable for no discernible reason), while at the same time destroying the validity of every band/DJ/artist/etc. in the last two decades with their popularity. You'll be hard-pressed to have not heard at least of one of the bands who do this shit, especially in modern raves in the last 4-5 years, and the subculture it has created has made it's way out of the clubs and into the public...or out of the public and into the clubs, either way weep for your lost youth.
For more on it, be sure to check out the article, and prepare for nearly every one of your senses to be raped.
Cameroncore
Cameroncore is rave music that is played while British Prime Minister David Cameron is present and having a good time. Any rave music can be considered Cameroncore provided that David Cameron is listening and in the mood to party. Cameron can be spotted in the clip below at 0.13, just prior to the hot chick from that German film Wings of Desire. Thus the music being played is an excellent example of Camroncore.
Daft Punk or DP (double penetration), are probably the most noticeable ravers in the known universe. They are said to have a power level of over 9000 by being able to control anyone's body with their music, mostly the penis and vagina. They are fags who are too shy to show their face in public, but love to blow each other and have furry wet dreams.
Basically, they are a really shitty Raver (a mostly redundant term at this point) duo from some faggot country. Seriously, obsessive fanboys claim that it took them 3 years to write Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger, when in reality it sounds like they took about an hour (most of which was spent blowing each other in turns). The Daft Punk fanboys are more rabid and obsessed than Nintendo fanboys. It sounds impossible, right? It's the absolute truth. They will defend their band to the death and insist that anyone who doesn't like Daft Punk is 14 and listens to Speed Metal (which they probably also listen to as a guilty pleasure).
The cold hard facts are that anyone with a decent musical background can rewrite most of their songs in under 15 minutes using Fruity Loops Demo Version. It doesn't take a genius to write one loop, and one drum pattern and repeat it for 5 minutes while occasionally adding A WICKED SICK Guitar part and setting it all to a shittyanime video that's supposed to represent the downfall of the music industry. They even won a Grammy for one of their albums, or songs, but that just proves how the music they wrote is equivalent to most shit popular songs in the sense of difficulty and talent required to write.
Maybe their intention was to use shitty repetitive music as part of the metaphor. If so, hats off to Daft Punk, the world's most over rated shit "band".
Aphex Twin's logo from "Selected Ambient Works 85-92". Makes sense if you are Aphex Twin.
Attracting scrawny Pabst Blue Ribbon-drinking scenesters everywhere, "Fidget" is a made-up genre that paradoxically consists solely of samples from other fidget songs. It is an excuse for lazy uninspired DJs to sleaze on scene girls and "distinguish" themselves from other copypasta garbage that sounds exactly the same.
The only sub-genre with hipster cred. Mashups are freestyle combinations of disparate dance music genres from hip-hop to hardcore to polka in order to create a purposely weird musical collage. It started in England in the 80s when folks had had enough of the pop crap Brits were calling music. Of course, the Brits used its proper term "Bastard Pop" as it is the offspring of two horrible songs that never should have shacked up. Now it is mostly a furious annoyance to serious music fans who think they are going to hear "Sweet Home Alabama" but instead get some hip-hop shit laid down over the guitar riff intern causing them to kill everyone in the club and get arrested. This in turn had caused a dramatic decrease in serious and intelligent music fans out in the real world thus allowing for twats who enjoy this skank to further support it without opposition. This kind of ironic, half-hearted, nostalgia-driven crapart is exactly what fuels the modern hipster movement. Thanks, post-rave culture!
A few middle-class Emo kids in the UK decided they were sick of how terrible their lives were so they decided to take ecstasy to dull the pain, made a few shitty songs in Fruity Loops, had the most amazing parties EVAR, pranced around holding glowsticks and wore tight jeans. This lead to the NME proclaiming that a new youth movement had emerged called nu-rave. Unfortunately no one gave a shit enough to listen and rave is still dead. These are the sort of bands which proclaim themselves to be incredible new audiorgasms which mix the best of classic and modern dance music but just turn out to be faggots with clangy guitars and NES music playing in the background.
Ravers don't really have culture. They're just hippies with technology. Except for junglists, who hate hippies. Breaks-heads are just trendy, and aren't bitter enough yet to be junglists.
PLUR
P.L.U.R. is an acronym popular with ravers. The letters stand for: Peace, Love, Unity and Respect, which basically means whatever you do, you have no ill intent. Most ravers are far too drugged and strung out to do anything other than somehow provide a well-meant good vibe, so this is kind of useless; unless it's at a chav rave, in which case you'll probably be knifed by the end of the night. Also stands for Pilling Little Underage Raver.
Drugs
The only thing all ravers have in common is a love for excessive consumption of mind-altering substances. Everyone at a rave is high, especially the paramedics. The most common drug is ecstasy, followed by acid, cannabis, 2C-I/2c-b's and ketamine et al. Alcohol is sold at raves to people over 18 (or really hot Jailbait), and spilled on the dance floor by drunk idiots so it's too slippery to dance.
Beware however of anyone trying to sell anything at rave as it's more likely to be crushed up paracetamol than a pill. Recently, the popular drug on the rave scene is GHB. This makes getting laid, the end goal for most ravers, much easier.
Furthermore, would-be rave-fanatics should be aware that mind-altering substances can be concealed in the most unexpected places:
What is even more insidious is the fact that the hypnotic light displays at these 'raves' can be used to design more drugs without anyone noticing:
Ravers and the Internet
All of these people are on drugs.
Since raves are an underground phenomenon, the one way all ravers keep track of where they'll be buying and taking drugs is on internet forums. Typically, half the members of a local raver forum have slept with one another, which usually leads to massive amounts of drama. At least one poster will talk about how much better the scene used to be, and anyone new is mocked, as they are inevitably dirty candy ravers. Junglists talk shit about everyone on the forum no matter what.
Motivated ravers will often begin creating their own music to show off to their cliques on the internet. 90% of this music is made with cracked warez and gigabytes of ready-made loop packages. A rare few will use real synthesizers and talent, but often not enough real skill. The rarest and most elite internet musicians are the ones who make music with old vacuum cleaners (or printers from the 80s), a shelf full of your mom's dildos, and a desecrated furby.
We all know that the 'nu rave' ravers are way too cool to use the internet properly or at all.
Death of the Rave Scene
AJAX
It is well known that ravers enjoy smoking AJAX cleaning solvent powder. In these hard financial times, ravers have been known to use substitutes such as COMET. The common raver can be found mixing the caustic powder with KARO syrup to make rock like substances and will attempt to smoke them. This generally results in the raver to exhibit fists-of-rage and lockjaw. But this is okay when you are listening to some Happy Hardcore.
Meth
It has been established that the death of the raver scene is due to meth. The meth craze left the gay bathhouses of the 90s and entered the rave scene. Not to facilitate gay sex, but because ravers will smoke anything. It just happened that meth kept them awake for days and resulted in them puking blood and selling their bodies for moar tweak. Also, Toronto is blamed for the spread of the death of the rave scene due to retards.
Promoters
At some point during the 1990s, black people realized they could get rich by swindling white suburbanites out of money. By renting two turntables (microphones not required), a sound system, a warehouse and commitments from a dj they realized they could make big money. Money was spent on fliers and promises of "big name dj's" and white children arrived in droves with their adidas on. For lulz, some would call up the police to force a shutdown of a party. This typically resulted in people going to another party, which meant multiple promoters could rip off the same kids in a single night. Oh suburbia!
Accessories and Tricks
Before Jesus made it big, he was a raver.
Glowsticks
The piece de resistance to any rave is a set (or several hundred sets) of glowsticks. These fluorescent plastic-wrapped glass vials of light-emitting chemical compounds produce "trails" to those who may or may not have consumed other chemicals during the night. When spun in rhythm with the so-called "music", they can give other strung out ravers the thought that you have some sort of dancing ability, thus giving you an opportunity to give them what they're asking for later in the morning, probably in the parking lot. LED glowsticks are not good for twirling as they are delicate, though traditional sticks can and have broken upon accidental release into a wall.
The chemical inside is hardly visible in daylight and is easily removed with a washing machine or good old washing up liquid. Colors, sizes and styles vary, thin ones are best left to bracelets/necklaces while thick "lanyard" style ones are good for twirling like a faggot. LED sticks are good for slow lightshows, bringing an airplane into the gate or directing traffic.
Kandy/Kandi/etc.
Overpriced plastic crap worn by Kandi ravers or their hoes; mostly costume jewelry or Mardi Gras beads, or homemade beaded bracelets. And lots of them. A WHOLE LOT. Like if your arms aren't covered in beads and wrapped in glow-tape and Christmas lights or whatever, you're apparently doing it wrong for the Kandi scene. Of course, this isn't always a bad thing, considering Kandi ravers are part of the reason the rave scene is dying.
Poi
Add fire into the mix of drug fueled twenty-somethings and you've got poi. Poi is, in essence, spinning fire bags around your entire body without scorching yourself. It's good fun to watch and at festivals can be quite a trip. The best poin experience is watching a decent poi user while stoned off your ass at a bonfire.
The DEA has it sussed. It's all a scam to sell loads of bottled water at massive mark-ups to hundreds of gurning mongs who are too bollocksed to go to the bathroom and drink tapwater.
