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<big>UPDATE!</big> Recently all ads at the bottom of the page are for Gaia. The redesign was mainly fit for marketing, it seems, as there are ads on new submissions and Gaia ads everywhere. Way to go, Tom; you've taken the Jew safehouse that was [[newgrounds|Jewgrounds]], and transmogrified it into the equivalent of [[Nazi]]-fascist MySpace. I'm sure [[Wade Fulp|Your brother]] was most pleased.<span class="co;[-];[+];0;nazi;default"></span> | <big>'''UPDATE!'''</big> Recently all ads at the bottom of the page are for Gaia. The redesign was mainly fit for marketing, it seems, as there are ads on new submissions and Gaia ads everywhere. Way to go, Tom; you've taken the Jew safehouse that was [[newgrounds|Jewgrounds]], and transmogrified it into the equivalent of [[Nazi]]-fascist MySpace. I'm sure [[Wade Fulp|Your brother]] was most pleased.<span class="co;[-];[+];0;nazi;default"></span> | ||
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<big>ANOTHER UPDATE!</big> On the subject of more ads, if you are enough of a faggot to have an account on Newgrounds an ad is placed, without your consent, on your userpage profile. That is, if you haven't posted in [[Shit nobody cares about|your blog]] or haven't really contributed content to the site, you get the benefit of being greeted by Zwinky ads at every waking moment of your sad, female-depraved existence. | <big>'''ANOTHER UPDATE!'''</big> On the subject of more ads, if you are enough of a faggot to have an account on Newgrounds an ad is placed, without your consent, on your userpage profile. That is, if you haven't posted in [[Shit nobody cares about|your blog]] or haven't really contributed content to the site, you get the benefit of being greeted by Zwinky ads at every waking moment of your sad, female-depraved existence. | ||
<big>[[OMG]] [[MOAR]] UPDATE!</big> In yet another attempt to make Newgrounds exactly the same as [[MySpace]], as well as every other site on the [[Internet]], you can now embed your [[unfunny]] videos into your blog. [[Oh exploitable|Mass exploitation]] is expected, assuming NGers can work out how to actually embed them in the first place.</div></div> | <big>'''[[OMG]] [[MOAR]] UPDATE!'''</big> In yet another attempt to make Newgrounds exactly the same as [[MySpace]], as well as every other site on the [[Internet]], you can now embed your [[unfunny]] videos into your blog. [[Oh exploitable|Mass exploitation]] is expected, assuming NGers can work out how to actually embed them in the first place.</div></div> | ||
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Revision as of 17:26, 19 October 2013
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THE HASIDIC HANGOUT[+] |
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The Lulz Era 1995-2004 |
The Imaginary Wars Era 2004-July 17th, 2007 |
The Anti-Lulz Era July 17th, 2007-Present |
The Lulz Era (1995-2004)
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Jewgrounds in its earliest form was little more than a self-glorifying project designed by Tom Fulp (see the Administrator section below). Before 4chan, before MySpace, this now-hopelessly polluted cesspool of a site began life as a pristine pond; a purveyor of purest, holiest lulz, nearly a full decade before the concept was even imagined and mass-produced. To say that Fulp invented internet lulz is to stretch reality, but suffice it to say that among the earliest dispensers of e-justice, Fulp was a noble sheriff of the law and led Jewgrounds into a internet empire made entirely of pure lulz and win that even early 4Chan could not surpass. For example, it's original tagline was "The Problems of the Future, Today!" which shows how far the site has come for it's tagline to now be the faux empowering bullshit "Everything, by Everyone." During this time, entire countries (such as Scotland) were even considering banning Jewgrounds, of which Tom Fulp gloated about was proud (of course, that would be a no-no now, as it would hurt profits).
During the late '90s, Fulp thoroughly pwned several faceless corporate entities with what would now be considered low-brow and halfhearted attempts at humor, ie Teletubby Fun Land, which isn't really funny at all, and looks like complete shit. Nonetheless, Fulp learned that through his shittiness, he could do some serious fucking IRL Trolling, and managed to raise the ire of many an executive at the BBC, as well as one infamous, middle-aged, angry female media-whore known as "Penny Bain, righteous crusader for all things unlulzy."
Fulp also created a page called Assassin, which hosted flash animation and games centering around killing celebrities and crappy cartoon characters, and while these games are complete shit according to today's standards, the lulz they contributed back then was priceless. This was by far the main draw to the website in these days, as it was the most offensive and funniest thing people had seen on the internet, as was a main base for people to vent their rage and frustration against stupid crazes like Pokemon (back when it was a wordwide craze and not just some third rate game franchise) and other shit they were forced to endure from the idiotic masses.
But Fulp's most important e-exploit was certainly the seminal and highly-offensive homage to Columbine, known as Pico's School, which managed to get him b& from almost every seriousfag memorial website dedicated to this or that contributor to the high-score count that was reached on that April 20th, 1999, and wouldn't be broken for another seven years. In this way, Fulp was way ahead of his time, and would have done well to pack it up and quit while he was ahead. But Fulp tasted the bittersweet nectar of money that he had just finished parodying, and was smitten by its power.
Jewgrounds in it's previous lulzy form can actually be viewed here, and it should be noted pretty much all of this material has since been deleted by Jewgrounds staff, in an attempt to make a friendly image of the site and not offend any potential advertisers.
However, probably the most epic video on Newground at the time, and by far the funniest, was the Clock Crew's CGI movie, Juicy Fruit, found on http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/77680. Ironically, while this was during the Lulz Era, this was the only thing of that era that was actualy funny.
During this time, Jewgrounds grew from a minor operation of basement dwellers to a legitimate business, much to the chagrin of the first wave of no-lifers (henceforth referred to as originals) who made up the better part of the Jewgrounds userbase at that time but this advantage that helped nourish the site's originality would soon be the cause of its death.The Imaginary Wars Era (2004-July 17th, 2007)
![](/images/b/bb/Tdy_lauer_phenomenon_050217.275w.jpg)
![](/images/thumb/3/36/KradesException.png/300px-KradesException.png)
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By 2004, Jewgrounds was embroiled in a debacle that would signify the beginning of its new era. When now-notorious fatty Gary Brolsma felt it would be an excellent idea to parade his rolls of subhuman fat around the once-lulz-inspiring halls of Jewgrounds, a new debate arose between the tiny population of original basement dwellers, who were obsessed with the constant generation of new lulz, and would eventually come to reinforce the ranks of 4chan, and the new basement dwellers, who were the precursors of the JewTube-esque userbase that is in place on Jewgrounds today. The debate centered on whether or not Jewgrounds should be allowed to drown in a pool of its own decayed shit, as the new users believed was only right and just.
Obviously, the originals left Jewgrounds, realizing the impending shittiness that was threatening to overcome a site now dominated in sheer numbers, by sensitive and soft users, most of whom had never laid eyes on even a piece of goatse-inspired masterpiece photography, and most of whom were progressively losing any sense of humor to moralfaggotry, and other corruptive diseases to the arteries of the site.
In the originals' wake, was left a path of destruction and idiocy. Seeking to bridge the gap between what was lost and the contemporary state of affairs, Jewgrounders started to become irrationally obsessed with one particular moral cause. For some of them, a mild anger would have been justifiable, but for most, the simmering hatred aroused was completely ridiculous and unparalleled even in the more recent history of Jewgrounds. Eric Bauman, operator of eBaums, stood accused of pilfering flash directly from Jigger "artists" without first paying royalties or earning permissions.
While it was true that Fulp performed this act, Jewgrounders' subsequent demonization, of eBaums was quite ridiculous, especially considering that 99.9% of the users who claimed to hate the man were bystanders who had never been the victim of theft, and who had no real reason to care, other than a faddish desire to appear as a righteous crusader, an ironic parallel to Penny Bain, above section, who was also a righteous crusader, for a similar moral reason. As a result of this artificial rivalry, recognized by nobody beyond the padded rooms of Jewgrounds's BBS, the odd sense of hatred spread to encompass any site that might be seen as even a remote challenge to Jewgrounds's supremacy; YTMND, and later 4chan were demonized in a similar manner. But bizarrely enough, despite their outward façade of hatred, and frequent accusations of conspiracy, Jewgrounders seemed to seek only acceptance from these sites, who barely acknowledged the existence of Jewgrounds:
—Jigger, completely convinced that 4chan is planning to raid his website, but not realizing that nobody fucking cares about Jewgrounds. |
These years were blissfully happy for the majority of the Jewgrounds populace. Unable to detect the seismic shifts that were preparing the way for the next startling era in Jewgrounds's history, they were ignorant and staunchly clinging to what they believed were their moral imperatives, but which were actually the beginnings of a totalitarian regime that was a complete reversal of the original principles on which Jewgrounds was based: celebration of lulz.
Jewgrounds Business Plan
1. Funny
2. Redesign
3. ?????
4. PROFIT
In 2006, in the midst of the Imaginary Wars Era, a few prescient users foresaw the coming destruction of the Anti-Lulz era that was threatening to break the wall of security that they had enjoyed for so long, as Tom began to announce the coming OMG REDESIGN that so many regulars thought would completely rejuvenate Jewgrounds after the somewhat disappointingly-unproductive Imaginary War Era. These users banded together and wrote a lulzy and truthy account of the pitiable nature of the Jewgrounds populace during this time:
The Anti-Lulz Era (July 17th, 2007-Present)
On July 16th, 2007 the site experienced a 'big' redesign with features such as "New Emoticons" (Happy Face, Sad Face, Angry Face), Secret Items (actual screenshot of "secrets"... one has to wonder how Tom's father feels about his son's late-onset prostitution fetish), level icons (including a half-naked male body, golden-tan and glistening with sweat), auras (including the meaning-laced "Fab" aura), and blogs as part of the userpage package (a prime example of which can be found on the userpage of the intellectual heavyweight known as "TheButt"). This event marked the end of the Imaginary Wars Era, and few today even possess a memory of the time before this cataclysmic event took place.
![](/images/1/15/Newgrounds_Idiotic_Increase.gif)
Since the inception of the much-lauded "Redesign" of the website, a general decline, if that description is even applicable to a site that consistently demonstrates its ability to find new depths of oblivious idiocy, has occurred amongst both the user base of this decidedly-virgin populace and the features of the site itself. These new features include, but are not limited to: Wapanese pandering, copiously-sprinkled penis jokes, and a forum that steadily delves into lower cesspools with each passing "Pee in your sink!" thread, "Rate my [hallucinatory] Girlfriend!" thread, or even the occasional, but obligatory "Announcement of Impotency" thread.
The increasing Nazism of Administrators and Moderators (see sections below "Administration," "BBS→Moderators," and "BBS→Community Members→Corrupt Administrator" for moar info) has even caused a downward spiral of idiocy in the Forums, which were already polluted during the Imaginary War Era with disgruntled moralfags.
All of this is damning proof that Tom cares little about what his site used to stand for (angst-ridden teens bent on having a good time at school), and would now prefer to change it into a Gaiaspace clone-cum-Faggot Hang-Out ($$$$) rather than clean out the nobly-named "Kitty Krew" flash group's incredibly thought-provoking analysis of the human condition. It's been a long road from passable social critique to active encouragement of Anti-Lulz in the post-redesign era, but what's become clearer than ever in the past two years is that this cesspool of cowshit sure as fuck isn't getting any shallower.
To this day, Tom Fulp continues to show complete and utter contempt for the casual browser and whatever remaining fanbase he has left by starting an advertising campaign that makes petulant demands to anyone blocking ads to over a bazillion internet RPGS to visit the shop and buy crap nobody wants.
[+]
The Flash Portal
The Voting System
The ranking score of each Flash movie and game in the hierarchy of shit is determined by how highly users rate it. There is a choice of two ratings a viewer can bestow upon Newgrounds movies: 0 and 5. There are also buttons for 1, 2, 3, and 4 but one would have to be a faggot to actually deem a flash somewhere between perfect and total shit.
HINT: There are many surefire ways to make the Jewgrounds public adore your effort as much as or EVEN MORE THAN an average Clock Crew or Barney Bunch submission, but none are more effective than these: an ideal way to inspire the masses to give your Flash effort a FIVE is to haphazardly throw in a bunch of stick figures killing and/or sodomizing each other over a Papa Roach song, as well to include any or all of the words "Sonic," "Mega Man," "Penis" or "X" in the title.
Alternatively, one could reupload the exact same animation 42 times and call it a "series". Ex.
The Review System
}
Flash reviews operate on a similar basis as the VOET FIEV system, except that scores can go up to 10 instead of 5. Once again, and this cannot be stressed enough, YOU SHOULD ONLY EVER GIVE A FLASH EITHER 0 OR 10. Doing anything else would be a waste of voting power and most likely get your review deleted.
You should also make certain you swear as much as you can and always proofread your review to ensure that it's spelled as poorly as humanly possible. Using all caps is also a guaranteed way to get noticed.
But every so often, a user will take it upon himself to crawl and claw his way beyond the humble expectations of stupidity that is a given when reviewing a piece of Flash on Jewgrounds. And if one was to see such a review as that, one would smile and think it a great leap forward for a website famous for great leaps backward.
And then one would glance at the flash that was under scrutiny, and one would weep with sorrow for the reduction of all expectations to exactly the same point as when the whole ordeal had begun: Before one's tear-streaked face, a six-paragraph opus to the letter "B".
[+]The Infamous B? Review
The Teddy Review Spam War
Recently, a group of retards and fags emigrated from JewTube and began to spam the Newgrounds Flash review boards with the same tired copypasta review, over and over again:
Hi, I am Teddy. Once you read this you cannot get out. Finish reading this until it is done! As I said, I am Teddy. I am 7 years old. I have no eyes and blood all over my face. I am dead. If you don't send this to at least 12 people I will come to your house at midnight and I'll hide under your bed. When you're asleep, I'll kill you. Don't believe me?
It goes on for over 9000 paragraphs of spam before ending. These reviews should have been deleted, but Tom Fulp, being the Jew faggot wanna-be-nigger he is, has not deleted any of these reviews(save for mine) and actually disabled his mods from doing shit about it until a few months after it started. Because of this, a bunch of fag users began freaking out about it, causing mass chaos on the portal and leading to Bigbadron killing a negro. As a result of seeing all this go down, ED is now asking you all to add to the super lulz by spamming the entire Teddy review (found at the flash links below) a couple of billion times to piss off the meat-spin lovers on Jewgrounds.
Look for the full "Teddy" review to copy and paste in your own malicious reviews of EVERY SINGLE FLASH in Jewgrounds history to piss off the virgins who have nothing else to do but read through Flash reviews on Jewgrounds all day.
"Blammed "
Although the majority of the content on the Flash Portal is well below the standard for mental retardation, not every piece of shit makes it into the Portal, as several submissions are relegated to the "Obituary" or "Graveyard" section of Jewgrounds on a daily basis. These are rare instances that indicate a true failing at life. If a fucking stationary letter B or a stolen gif of a flapping cock can be accepted - even hoisted on an e-pedestal - but an actual animation you "worked hard" to complete cannot, you may wish to reconsider your choice to continue breathing. It does not take much to impress the 13 year old boys who inhabit Jewgrounds, yet you still proved that you are capable of failing miserably at even the most remedial task.
1# Aruchieve of all time
How to get to "#1 All-Time" on the portal
The Coveted Spot. The #1 slot in the portal was at one time a prestigious award. Now it's just a spot held by video game parody Flashes five-bombed by 13-year-old boys. To achieve this esteemed position through Flash Cartoon creation, the following steps must be followed to the letter:
First and most important of all, the animator must make plentiful use of dick jokes, in order to compensate for viewer virginity. Equally important to step one, one must collect a series of tired images from '70s pornos, and place them artfully together to produce a hardcore porn slideshow that may or may not include child rape and likely spawns pop-ups. Also, one mustn't forget to co-author some well-known animators, to lend an undeserved sense of legitimacy to your shitheap. One must also ensure that all female characters of the animation contribute copious amounts of fanservice and have no personality. Also integral to catching prepubescent attention spans is the use of colorful expletives (that would include, but would not be limited to shit, cunt, dick, fuck, ass, arse (Britfags!), twat, wank, etc.). In this way, the plentiful 13-year-old boys will believe that the animator's flash, and by extension of that, the animator, is hardcore. These sheep will later become invaluable to one's efforts in conquering the Portal. One must also make clever and hilarious observations about popular video games, upon which the Jewgrounds populous draws Life Force. (i.e. What's up with that Mario Guy, and why does he enjoy diving into tight, steamy holes filled with excrement?) It would also behoove one to make an overt reference to the Clock Crew, Kitty Krew, Lock Legion, Uzi Union, Glock Group, Barney Bunch, or any number of these dedicated, alliterative groups. Using emo-,Linkin Park-, or Failure-brands of music in one's animation can never be overestimated in terms of importance. In fact, to ensure universal appeal, why not use all three in the ultimate brooding teenager trifecta? In order to generate nostalgic sentiment amongst the elder teenagers, who would understand such references, throwing in an entire Matrix bullet-time sequence, or anything related to the Matrix is likely to cause instant first-place status. Submissions using sprites from video games that were popular at least 100 years ago, most notably Mario or Phoenix Wright, have a great deal of potential for finding success, regardless of quality. To make all characters in one's animation burst out into Tenacious D anthems at cadenced intervals, and to quote South Park whenever possible is a directive that cannot be stressed enough for the serious exploiters. One must also make sure to steal unfunny jokes from unfunny sites and/or moldy sitcoms. Throwing in a fart joke for good measure can never hurt your chances. Every Jewgrounder intrinsically loves a fart joke. Ha. Ha. If possible, one should avoid using any English, at all. Instead, it is prudent to use the language embraced by the vast majority of Newgrounders. Finally, before one submits a masterwork, it should be made certain that everything looks very "cute," in order that closet-homosexual viewers permeating the Portal can better relate to the work. ???? Profit (srsly, it's an easy $250)
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Jiggers and their Levels | Individual Forums | Community Members | Moderators |
[+] |
[+] | [+] | [+] |
"Abusing and Exploiting Newgrounds," the Book
Unfortunately, this book of lulz is largely outdated, due to its being old, and pre-"redesign".
- http://rapidshare.com/files/26095186/AAEN.pdf.html
- http://www.megaupload.com/?d=FUJGNATQ
- http://www.mediafire.com/?8oooyrgonwf
See Also
- ArtGrounds
- LegendaryFrog
- Alvin-Earthworm
- Livecorpse
- Cross666
- Internet DVD
- Killerjeff
- Clock Crew
- MindChamber
- DragonsGrief
- SardonicSamurai
- nickDaPwner
- gumOnshoe
- cellardoor6
- madcow
- Wade
- Kagoe
- GOTHCLAWZ
- Pube Muppet
- Tricky the Clown
- Dick Neck
- Sirtom93
- Foamy the Squirrel
- Dancing Owen
- Sk8erGirl14
- Why is there a huge cock on the top left corner?
- For mod '09
- Flipnote Hatena
Links
- Newgrounds.com
- An example of how most NG users spend their time.
- An example of how easily NG users are trolled
- The best Flash movie on Newgrounds. (Which has been deleted, of course.)
- The Truth about Newgrounds creator, Tom Fulp
- female douchebag on NG (fix yout portal)
- What the site looked like before it became shit
- One of Jewgrounds old ftps that's still up
- Wadolf responding to some obscure newsgroup talking about him, which probably means he looks through search engines for mentions of him
http://chdonga.newgrounds.com/news/post/118112mirrorAn epic pwning of a thirteen year old boy (NOTE: What was once win and lulz has now been heavily censored over 9,000 months later because he couldn't come up with a comeback when people actually gave a shit).- http://purelymad99.newgrounds.com/news/post/184796 News post with helpful links pointing out the profound faggotry of aforementioned thirteen year old boy.
- A prime reason as to why Newgrounds has a terrible user base.
UPDATE! Recently all ads at the bottom of the page are for Gaia. The redesign was mainly fit for marketing, it seems, as there are ads on new submissions and Gaia ads everywhere. Way to go, Tom; you've taken the Jew safehouse that was Jewgrounds, and transmogrified it into the equivalent of Nazi-fascist MySpace. I'm sure Your brother was most pleased.
ANOTHER UPDATE! On the subject of more ads, if you are enough of a faggot to have an account on Newgrounds an ad is placed, without your consent, on your userpage profile. That is, if you haven't posted in your blog or haven't really contributed content to the site, you get the benefit of being greeted by Zwinky ads at every waking moment of your sad, female-depraved existence.
OMG Moar UPDATE! In yet another attempt to make Newgrounds exactly the same as MySpace, as well as every other site on the Internets, you can now embed your unfunny videos into your blog. Mass exploitation is expected, assuming NGers can work out how to actually embed them in the first place.![](/images/c/cc/Hands_of_God_Bottom_Layer.png)
![](/images/b/b0/Hands_of_God_Top_Layer.png)
Featured article July 20, 2006 | ||
Preceded by Wapanese |
Newgrounds | Succeeded by The Moon |
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Newgrounds is part of a series on Visit the Trolls Portal for complete coverage. |