Arizona
|
HOLY SHIT REPUBLICAN GOVERNOR JAN BREWER MADE THE FIRST DEATH PANELS IN ARIZONA! |
—Homer Simpson [1] | ||
ENVY THEM!
Invoking Godwin's Law.
Arizona has:
- Heat (128 Degrees Fahrenheit)
- New Age/Alternative Medicine Retards (Sedona)
- SB 1070
- Marijuana
- Furries
- Wiggers
- Bros
- Weeaboos
- No Accents. Huzzah!
- Sheriff Joseph M. Arpaio who will sodomize your ass and suck your dick/pussy UPDATE: HE GONE!!
- Mostly Mexicans
- Too many laws (except for gun laws)
- Too many Mormons
- Albino people that stay in the sun too long without sun block and have a nasty white-trash look
- People that drive terribly, speeding at the wrong times and going too slow at the wrong times, and always tailgating
- Home to the city with the Highest Unemployment Rate! Higher than the Great Depression!! (Yuma)
See Also
- Jared Lee Loughner
- Jared Lee Loughner
- Old people that hate anyone young, judging by how they vote anyways
- Amphetamines labs constantly blowing up
- People 40, 50, and even 60-years-old that blast pure bass thumps on their home and car stereos wall-shakingly loud like they're teenage thugs
- No accents. Huzzah!
- A grotesque amount of fat people that are too lazy to get off their ass and walk to the bathroom.
- Dirty old men.
- The Grand Canyon
- A surprising number of stupid teenage girls that move to L.A. to try and make it in Hollywood.
- Sedona, a place filled with fucking hippy freaks.
- Lake Havasu City, spring break on the river (and has the original London Bridge).
- Pinal County (you said Penal).
- Desert (HOT).
- The most expensive preschool ever, ASU
- Asphalt hot enough to cook an egg on, and people senile enough to walk on it barefoot.
- And much much more!
Spain, Juggalo and Ebonics are the chiefly spoken languages in Arizona, and white people are severely outnumbered in most of the state, except for the small colonies (aka Truck Stops, Scottsdale, Anthem which is a cemetery and Youngtown now populated by old, cheap Jews) where the whiteys and trailer park trash gather together. Basically every city in Arizona is a Spics ghetto surrounded by white/trailer park trash. What's scarier is that it's IRL. All Arizonans carry guns, even toddlers and the mentally ill/retarded, and most households actually contain more guns than people.
Climate
Arizona is known for being unbelievably fucking hot... and therefore most of its residents are allergic to cold and need to wear a jacket if it gets below 60 degrees . Despite this, nobody wants to live in Arizona, except for the rich fucks who live near Flagstaff, which perhaps is halfway decent. It has been generalized that extremely old people reside in Arizona for half the year once the temperature gets to when all the normal Arizonians get cold. They scorn upon the younger generation. There are also rich snobs in Scottsdale, but they're batshit crazy, too; Scottsdale is a shitty place to live. It's full of morons who can't drive. Every year it's getting FUCKING HOTTER because of the increasing population of liberals. Their constant bitching, smoking weed, and human rights protesting is destroying the ozone to the point where the sun is literally shitting on their faces. Arizona is not supposed to even have liberals; they're supposed to only have conservatives, mainly retired people who vote for things. Things like eliminating vision coverage for the poor so that they could build a new indoor football stadium for a team that was raised on Sega & Nintendo.
Phoenix Valley
The cosmopolitan center of this vibrant state. Let's explore the rich and varied tapestry of suburbs.
The Valley mixes everything that sucks about big cities with everything that sucks about living in the butt-fuck middle of nowhere. It's hotter than hell and the smog is trapped by the mountains/absolute lack of wind. Urban sprawl is rampant, so have enough money to get a car. If you don't, you can explore the city's vibrant and eccentric public transit system, where there will be an at least 100 percent chance you can meet an authentic methhead. The Light Rail opened in December 2008, and, unlike the rail system in other inferior cities, does not require you to provide proof of ticket purchase before getting on the platform. The Rail works by an "honor system", and there's maybe a one-in-ten chance one of the underpaid Valley Metro employees will board to check your tickets. Nice!
Phoenix proper, including parts of Glendale, has many city-run pools that have been closed for several years. Reports of rotovirus, or AIDS, have been found to contaminate the water, and the city shut many pools in the inner city area down. This was probably caused by Mexicans, or that naked dirty old man doing backstrokes in the kiddie pool.
It's been more than four years, and these pools are empty and filled with graffiti and ill-shit. And meth users
Tempe is the Valley's college town. While also being the only half-tolerable suburb, it is overrun by scene kids; anorexic sorority 'sisters' who all smoke and pop Amphetamines; fraternity 'brothers' whose parents are paying for them to go to the business school, party, wind up at St. Luke's with alcohol poisoning, reboot, do it all again the next weekend; and pretentious hippie parents who drag their kids behind their bicycles on streets where at any given time half of the drivers are drunk college students with SUV's. The other half are stoned. Come visit historic Mill Ave. to meet several stoners with dreadlocks who play bongo to wheedle money out of you to buy some ganja. Juggalos. It also has the highest percentage of roaming juggalos in the Valley.
Mesa has Mormon. Really, that's about it.
Scottsdale, often called Snobsdale or Snottsdale by everyone who doesn't live in Scottsdale, is the wannabe fake-ass Beverly Hills of Arizona, with all the vapid fail that entails and none of the win, unless you count low property prices because NOBODY WANTS TO LIVE IN A SHITTY DESERT. Most of the high school students can afford heroin and collectively contribute 1% of Afghanistan's GDP. Scottsdale boasts endless, sweeping plains of McMansions, Hummers, failure, and overpriced resorts that fill up with rich douchebags in the winter. Proud home of the Phoenix Open! At least 100 percent of the Mormonical kids who go to college out-of-state will go to CU Boulder, to smoke, drink, and snowboard on their parents' dime.
Tucson and Pima County
Basically Mexico.
Jared Lee Loughner was from here. Nothing much else to say about this suburban sprawl in the wasteland.
Yuma County
Yuma has the wonderful distinction of having an unemployment rate of 27.9 percent. One of the highest in North America (all of it). For some context, the Great Depression saw unemployment rates of 25 percent. Yuma is fucking hot most of the year, except for January. This time is marked by filthy moosefucking snowbirds clogging up most of the roadways in giant RVs, spending their Canadian Dollars on Medjool dates and Mexican Drug. It is also home of the one and only Yuma High School Criminals. Shittiest "sports team" on the planet. This is poignant, because most of the graduates go on to serve prison terms. Its fucking hot there, and people go there to die. 'Nuff said.
Somerton
A small town that sits next to Yuma that is best known for it's water tower. It has a tiny ass airport and lies only 10 minutes from the borderline. Everyone who lives there is mexican and is most likely working in the hundreds of fields surrounding the town. It hosts an annual event known as the tamale festival where hundreds of Mexicans gather to eat food and listen to music.
BORDERline
Arizona is also known for being the main destination for border hoppers, also known as "Mexicans". Being right next to the border, they cleverly plot out a suicidal mission to cross the FUCKING HOT desert in DAY TIME to get jobs at the local Wal-Mart and be a successful part of society. By doing so, they piss off the trailer trash class of remaining whites for taking their jobs. With this suicide mission to the land of the free, the State of Arizona and the liberals band together to welcome these parasites with various water stations to encourage friends and family to come along for the Pilgrimage. And people wonder why the numbers are increasing!
Eventually some white trash middle aged men got angry enough to get their fat assess off their chairs and tried to do something about it. In 2005, about 1000 rednecks got their little .22's and shot guns and romped around the desert hunting Mexicans. These minutemen as they called them selves were so militant that they drew criticism from President Bush. Quickly Neo-Nazi white supremacist groups aligned them selves with the minutemen project and it ended in disaster and fail. Update: In 2010, rather than be discouraged, they hired attorneys, who advised them to hire lobbyists, and a bill was passed allowing police to question anyone who even looked Mexican and require them to show their social security card (useful for identity theft purposes) or green card, thus successfully trolling thousands of people. Possibly the best thing EVAR to happen in the state of Arizona, this of course resulted in WIN for the skinheads Americans and BUTTHURT for the Mexicans and rich white people who might lose their maids.
Come winter, Arizona is plagued by Canadians, all unwanted transients delicately called "snowbirds" by local businesses catering to them. All "snowbirds" drive far too slow. Most, to put it bluntly, are paler than the whitest cracker could possibly ever be. If actually local, that is. Actual direct sunlight never hits Canada; the sun never rises fully into the sky, and it shows in a Cannuck's pale face and limbs. This year, in order to prevent charges of racism, Arizona is also going to round us up some folks who look way too pale, too, and "check your papers". Presence of a fake tan can result in additional felony charges. Look out, snow whitey.
Education
Arizona is the stupidest state in the nationcontinental united states. Alaska? Hawaii? LOL, get real, give AZ at least that much credit.
The state has 3 main public universities:
- NAU - Located in Flagstaff, is a tiny fail college that no one has ever heard of, nor cares about. Has an excellent herbology program. (But they have nice buildings!)
- ASU - Arizona State University, located in
PhoenixTempe, is a massive STD-filled morass of failure students who don't do shit. It is a proven fact that 100% of students there are alcoholics and have multiple STD's. Lately, however, esteemed university president Michael Crow has been frantically trying to prove to the Valley and all and sundry that ASU is NO LONGER just a party school, and NO LONGER sucks, but is actually "One of the nation's top 100 universities" and "has more student entrepreneurs than any Ivy League school" or some shit. These advertisements are plastered on billboards and on the sides of buses. What reputable university actually has to ADVERTISE how much they don't suck?
- ASU has in the past ten years attracted several high-achieving undergraduates due to their extremely generous scholarship programs. Basically, tons of National Merit Scholars and valedictorian in-state students that would otherwise never dream of attending fAil-SU are bribed to stick around this hell state for four years. This is another Crow initiative attempting to raise the collective IQ of the university from -70 to 0.
- ASU is too fucking big and has four fucking campuses. It actually has good facilities and professors; if they would make their entrance requirements more stringent than the ability to read, write your name, and suck the admissions counselor's cock, there might be hope for the school. Unlikely, given that the school runs on a pile of first-semester money from the 60% of the freshman class that drops out by the end of the year.
- U of A - University of Arizona is the only half decent college in Arizona. It's primarily filled with business students who don't know shit; followed by Engineering students who make fun of the business majors for not knowing shit despite the fact that they don't know shit either. Wait, no, that's ASU. U of A has, um..... lots of cats.
Wildlife
Arizona is home to a wide variety of fucked up wildlife, such as: rattlesnakes, the javelina (a pig that shoots ass clouds at people before mauling their babies), Furfag, Alice Cooper, three thousand species of cacti, and a whole host of plants that fall into the "deadly pointy things" category.
One of its deadliest Cacti is known as the Teddy Bear Cholla. This shit literally requires the use of pliers to remove the hooks from your pathetic scabby lily-white skin.
Also, Arizona, specifically Tucson, is home of the legendary batshit crazy tinfoil hat designer. The only tinfoil hat that protects you from aliens, governments (esp. MONGO), and LJ dramatists who wish to steal your thoughts.
Local Celebrities
- Twilight, author of the paradigm-shattering Twilight series of young-adult novels
- John McCain, Vietnam war veteran, Senator, contender for president 2008, and all around maverick who is not at all the lap dog of the Religious Right. (lol DED)
- Michelle Branch, a pop-rock singer that no one cares about.
- Alice Cooper, a rock singer who uses his raspy singing voice.
- Blessthefall, The Maine, and other shitty emo bands that come out of the boredom of teenage suburbanites. This tends to be common in other places where there is little to do for the teen crowd.
THAT. BIRD.
Generally considered to be the best team in football, Arizona houses the "THAT. BIRD." No team has been so bad on a consistent basis as this steaming pile of shit. THAT. BIRD. has tried everything to make themselves better - getting a new stadium (at taxpayer expense), getting a new quarterback, sending their players to Iraq - except for practice. Anyone driving by the Cardinals' glorious $100 billion stadium can see Cardinals players circle jerking each other. They paid for that stadium by doing away with vision coverage for the poor.
Also, you can be pulled over, even if you are not a car, and even the passenger gets in trouble.
- UPDATE:The Cardinals beat the Philadelphia Eagles at the 2008 NFC Championships by a score of 32-25, so now they're going to the Super Bowl. LOL
- ANOTHER UPDATE:The Cardinals just lost the SUPER BOWL on a last second touchdown by Ben Cocklessberger. LMAO. LOSERS.
University of Phoenix Stadium
Besides being named after an online school designed for half-brains and drug addicts, the University of Phoenix Stadium has served its purpose as being the iron pimple of Arizona since 2006. It also is home to the football team THAT. BIRD. whom still suck at football although they play in a $100 billion dollar iron eye-soar. The University of Phoenix stadium has also effected the housing market, dropping house prices for mountain homes that look over the desert, because no one wants to pay $10 million to look out of their back window and get blinded by a massive iron pimple that just sits there in the middle of the desert.
Sheriff Joseph M. Arpaio
In what is probably one of the most lulzy stories of Amerifail, Joe Arpaio is was the Arizona sheriff whose life story counts as fapping material for most sociopaths.
Along with introducing pink handcuffs and underwear for black persons, and holding them in a place known simply as "Tent City", he "innovated" in law enforcement by: murdering a cripple, beating a blind guy into a coma, letting inmates kill some guy named Flanders, etc. etc. Plus he has employed $cientology tactics in terms of media censorship and intimidation. He raided a news station, tried to intimidate Phoenix governor Phil Gordon because he's a racist motherfucker, and harassed Ray Stern for expressing freedom of the press. He has also endorsed Susan Bitter-Smith, which is a crime punishable by law. Major source of lulz and awesome.
Many failed recall petitions have attempted to Party Van him, but they all failed, probably because he would just shit on the petition and then burn it in the faces of the American people whiney leftards. He finally lost re-election in 2016 and was convicted of contempt of court. Then Donald Trump pardoned him. FOR THE LULZ.
Places to be and die
Phoenix is one, so is Tucson surrounded by stolen wild cacti, Prescott and Flagstaff gets cold, Yuma is fucking hot and Nogales or Douglas for those who want to go Mexican for the night. It has a few overgrown suburbs and dead golf courses in gulches of Paradise Valley, Tempe, Mesa, Chandler, Gilbert, Goodyear, Buckeye, Avondale, Palo Verde, Peoria, Glendale, Surprise, Casa Grande (moar like Casa Ghetto, amirite?) and Apache Junction (whew). Sorry that Palm Springs isn't located in Arizona. Oh, don't forget to visit the Grand Canyon and the Meteor Crater both located on Indian land, where you find red men sell jade gems, trinkets and blankets, so they can buy their firewater mixed with malt liquor and Listerine.
See Also
Basically, Arizona is a hot, boring, desolate State that wishes it was East California. should be nuked.