Call of Duty: Black Ops

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This page contains spoilers — important plot secrets and/or conclusions may be revealed. For example,
HOLY SHIT WOODS ASSRAPES A SPIC SOLDIER WITH A BOTTLE, YOU ONLY KILL CASTRO'S DOUBLE, THE REAL ONE SELLS YOUR ASS TO DRAGOVICH WHO BRAINWASHES YOU AND PUTS YOU IN VORKUTA, YOU START A BIG REVOLUTION IN THAT PRISON AND YOU ESCAPE WITH A MOTORCYCLE, THE RUSKIE THAT YOU PLAY AS IN WORLD AT WAR GETS GASSED LIKE A JEW, CLARKE GETS SHOT IN THE HEAD, REZNOV IS A HALLUCINATION THAT DIED IN THE VORKUTA BREAKOUT, HUDSON AND WEAVER ARE THE INTERROGATORS, THE NUMBER STATION IS UNDERWATER NEAR CUBA, RUSALKA GETS FUCKED UP BY A AIRSTRIKE, AND MASON IS ACTUALLY BATSHIT CRAZY AND KILLED JOHN FITZGERALD KENNEDY!11!!1!!!!1
Moar like Black Cocks, amirite?
What would have been a much better game.
Select World at War. Ctrl+C. Ctrl+V. Profit!!
80% of Black Ops player emblems are swastikas.
Totally not gay

Call of Duty: Black Ops (AKA: Camp Ops, Nigger Ops,Cock of Duty Black Cocks, Lag Ops, Galil Famas 74-U Ops, Black Cock,No Life faggot ass dick suck Ops) is the latest Modern Warfare 2 mod, from a Camping Trip Simulator, to again, a Camping Trip Simulator. Developed by Treyarch and published by the money-grabbing Jews over at Activision, the mod encourages players to out-camp one another using motion sensors, claymores and camera spikes. Features include lag, blocky graphics made with MS Paint, muffled sounds, buggy gameplay and an emblem system that gives 12 year old kids the ability to draw pictures of Cocks and Swastikas. The mod also has an inbuilt Theater Mode that records your gameplay. This means that every single unskilled Faggot who plays this monstrosity of a game can now create YouTube videos of himself sitting in corners, complete with slow motion effects and a emo soundtrack. If you're the type of Gamers that likes to explore FPS maps and get into gun battles, then Black Ops is not the game for you, as 99% of those who play Black Ops treat it as an Anne Frank RPG and will hide in buildings for the entire match. A few weeks after its release, Activision confirmed that Black Ops was only created in order to make the original game, Modern Warfare 2, look better. Mission Accomplished! Black Ops is so atrociously bad that it makes MW2 look like a playable game.

Showing their dedication and love for Modern Warfare 2, COD Fantard proceeded to migrate to the newly-released Call of Duty: Nigger Ops; leaving MW2 in the gutter with jizz in its hair and a tear in its eye. This proves that the loyal fans don't actually care what they play, as long as they don't have to play it for long. Be assured that when the next COD game hits the stores, they'll leave Black Ops for the game with tighter tits and that new car smell down there. Once again, this shows that almost any game with 'Call of Duty' branded to it will be purchased by mindless kids, basement dwellers and zombies.

Black Ops is proven to be a somewhat effective birth control software. Since its release, birthrates in developed countries have dropped by 9001%.

Treyarch and their fanboys

Call of Duty Lag Ops was developed by a company that is notorious for releasing sub-par Call of Duty games. Since the release of Black Ops, Treyarch have continuously told everyone that they are willing to listen to community feedback. This "willingness to listen" has netted the company a vast army of basement dwelling fanboys who will ferociously defend Black Ops as if their life depended on it. When criticizing this overrated expansion pack, be prepared to listen to scores of irate fanboys making remarks such as "Hey, at least Treyarch are listening to the community! UNLIKE INFINITY WARD!!1!". This is in the same league as buying a broken-down washing machine for $2000; only to say that you're content with it because the person from customer service answered your phone call.

David Vonderhaar tells ED Reporters the truth.

Campaign

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DRAGOVICH.KRAVCHENKO.STEINER.ALL MUST DIE.

Once again, the campaign is short, contains some pointless playable flashbacks to Reznov's days back in World War II while retaining the same ethnic genocide featured in Modern Warfare 2 by allowing the player to kill countless spics, North Vietnamese forces and Russian GRU and Ocelot unit soldiers; all to prevent some toxic gas called Nova 6 from being released onto the American public. Nothing has changed significantly.

Mason being interrogated.

The campaign starts out with your character Alex Mason being tied to a chair and raepd with dildos while being interrogated by darth vader in a room with TV screens showing random 5 second videos of the world. You can actually break free in the main menu, and then go and |33t haxxor a shitty 40 year-old computer (that probably shouldn't even exist) for background details not in the campaign.

The first mission starts out as you accidentalling a Castro look-a-like (whoooops!) and his hooker. This made nerds whine about the mod being unrealistic. It was pretty lulzy when they realized that they hadn't done shit. So you go around shooting Cubans until... You get raped by some cuban and then Castro and a russian gay couple known as Nikita Dragovich and Lev Kravtchenko; who end up laughing at you before pissing in your mouth. So you go on between flashbacks of viewing your porn passwords on a wall to being strapped to a bondage chair and even to pwning John F. Kennedy.

And guess what? Before you know it you're trippin' bawllz! There's your Russian Buttbuddy who helped you escape from prison appearing all over the place! He even saves your life and sucks your cock... but he wasn't even there. Yep! He was an hallucination!! Your carer handler catches you fapping and you swear that you were just getting a blowjob from an invisible man.

The mod climaxes when you realize those fags brainwashed you in jail so that you would kill JFK. Luckily your forgotten oldfag friend brainwashed you to kill them back. This fucks up your unit's operations because you killed a Nazi scientist who made Nova 6, a poisonous gas that kills everyone and is planned to be released by other deluded, brainwashed fucks like YOU across America. Also did I mention that they all must die? Eventually you choke Fagovich and your friend protects you from Kravtchenko blowing himself up to kill you.


And thats it. 60 dollars for bullshit some fag pulled out their ass.

Considerable note: The only Black Guy in the ENTIRE GAME, (Bowman) Dies before even the halfway point of the game, he gets brainfucked by a viet-kong soldier with a piece of pumbing.

Zombies

Based on actual events from World War II and the Cold War.
Average black ops zombie gamer
Average black ops zombie gamer

In a pathetic attempt to add moar value to Black Ops, three shitty new zombie maps were added. There are little differences to the zombie gameplay found in Call of Duty: World at War, other than playable political figures and IRL celebrities being added.

NOTE- This is the only fun part of this game, the Online Multiplayer is filled with Campers, Noobz, etc..HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS Just GAYarch riding their only selling point so throngs of 13 year olds can cream their pants and OHMIGOD MOAR NAZI ZOMBIES?!

Maps

Kino Der Toten

Set in an abandoned Nazi Pr0n theater, this map features the same goddamn characters from World at War because Treyarch is too fucking lazy to make anything actually new other than the Queef Cannon, which was included to piss everyone off since it requires you to use the box over 9000 times to find the shit. The map was purposefully made very large to hide the fact of how much ass it sucks.

Hellhounds

Every couple of rounds of Kino Der Toten, Satan's Furfag will show up in an attempt to rape you, but always just end up shitting out a resupply.

Five

Seeing as coming up with a new cast of characters and settings would be too difficult for their feeble minds, Treyarch decided it would be best if they made a half-assed version of the Pentagon and copy-and-pasted IRL Presidents, Prime Ministers, and nerdy douches into it. This map remains mostly the same as the other one, as characters still won't STFU.

Pentagon Thief

Instead of Demonic Furries, this map features some crazy motherfucker that really wants your shit. It's unknown exactly what the Pentagon Thief actually is, but he is most likely either an albino that needs moar caps to bust in asses or a fat basement dweller that is trolling hardcore. If he manages to get away with your teammates' weapons, prepare for epic lulz.

Dead Ops arcade

Treyarch fucking sends you back in time with a 3rd person style arcade game where you battle a Comsic Silverback and a bunch of zombies you've seen in the other levels.

Ascension

A FUCKING RUSSIAN COSMODROME!!!!11!!ONE!!! 2 new perks that don't do shit and Space monkeys which hump your machines until your perk gets taken away. Also includes a Kassimir mechanism which frees a trapped Russian because he was pushed in there by a possessed group member.

Space Monkeys

Instead of an albino motherfucker stealing your shit, Monkeys which crash land in meteors on earth every 4-5 rounds rape your machines until they've stolen your perks and proceed to thump the ground, causing explosions which will fuck you up.

Call of the Dead

Given Treyarch's aforementioned lack of originality, they decide to replace the original characters with IRL celebrities Sarah Michelle Gellar, Robert Englund, Danny Trejo and Michael Rooker who go on a cool adventure where they encounter a zombified George A. Romero, the "FATHER OF ALL ZOMBIE MOVIEZ!!!!", and they're introduced to Deadshit Fuckqueeri, which is an aimbot in a nutshell.

Shangri-La

Geyarch brings back the original characters BECAUSE THEY ARE FUCKING RETARDED. They travel to Brown paradise where they see a fire zombie wanting to kill you and a bitch that shrieks and all the characters are obsessed with grabbing her tits.

Napalm Zombies and Shrieker Zombies

Instead of Monkeys stealing perks and an Albino motherfucker stealing your shit, Treyarch came up with 2 new zombies just for this map. The napalm zombie is a highly dangerous foe who will explode if you come into close contact with him, though he's always slow, to balance out his dangerous nature because he's lazy, dumbass. And a Shrieker zombie which blurs your screen or some shit liek that when you get too close. It runs fast as fuck.

Moon

Treyarch sends the players to the moon, where Richtofen can commence his fapping simulator using a golden rod and a focusing stone found via the Easter eggs of past maps. As it turns out, the entire purpose of this game mode was to help that gay 50 year old Nazi pedophile recognize his dreams of being the Loli hes been fapping to all this time. Not fucking kidding. Eventuall, the loli in question occupies the body of the insane Nazi necrophiliac. It also features phasing zombies, which are reskins of crawler zombies, except they disappear! Also, theres some type of zombie that disguises themselves as players by taking a random name from the host's friend list to make you disregard them, leading to necrophilian dream situations. Excavators also come down and trap teammates trying to clutch play and they have shitty weapons, potential for lulz.

Perk-A-Colas

Niggernaut

Remember that perk every five year old cried about in "Cock of Duty 4: Modern Gayfuck Stoopid"? Well now everyone of those bitching hypocrites who play Zombies will be whoring points from their team just to fucking buy this shit.

Dick Revive

Good in solo, sucks massive cock when playing with someone else.Apparently tastes like Fish.

Sped Cola

MAGICIAN INA BOTTLE! LET'S GET IT FOR FASTER FAPPING!!!!1!!one!!1

Double Fap

Makes your gun shoot stupidly fast, wasting all your ammo and leading to zombie rape. Useless perk is useless.

Stamin-shit

Lets you run away faster like the fucking pussy you are.

PhD Flopper

Fucking retarded perk that makes no sense. You drink it and somehow you explode everytime you pwn yourself in a dolphine dive. Oh and its a purple drink.

Deadshit Dogturd

Great for all the retards who need a helping hand to just use the fucking gun sights properly.

Mule Kick

Its a perk made of hax, it gives you three guns. EEZ DA BEST PERK IN DA ENTIRE GAME!!!! <- Said reaction of 5 year olds who orgasm over the thought of getting 3 PaP weapons, srsly. But Moon is so fucking difficult to play on you'd get zombie raped before you even make it past round 2.

Trolling on zombies

Trolling Tactics (General)

  • Kill the crawler at the worst possible moment.
  • Throw a Monkey Bomb next to a downed player.
  • Teabag a downed player until they die. Bonus lulz if they have rare/Pack-a-Punched weapons.
  • Refuse to open any doors or open every door before the team is ready.
  • Convince a player with bought perks (preferably all four) to dive on top of you in a corner.
  • During a Fire Sale, run around and use every box possible, but do not pick up the weaponry.
  • Steal other players' kills (Typically only works during the early rounds).
  • Stand in front of players in small, crowded spaces to prevent them from shooting.
  • If you are the last one alive, run straight into the zombie horde. And don't forget to record!
  • If you are the host of the match and playing with someone under the age of 15, tell them that you are going to end the match unless you get parental permission before continuing. (bonus points if your are up to rounds 20+)
  • Cook a grenade and run into a barricade then say "I am legend".
  • If you are the last player, make a zombie train and shoot next to them (but don't hit them) then say "ahh shit, outta ammo"

Trolling Tactics (Kino Der Toten)

  • Use the teleporter before anyone else can get in it. Bonus lulz if everyone has enough points to Pack-a-Punch. Moar lulz if they all die.
  • Grab the Max Ammo before everyone reloads after a Flaming Furries round.
  • Throw a cymbal monkey at a mystery box when someone uses it.
  • If everyone else has died, kill all zombies, leave a gas zombie behind and blow yourself up. Don't forget to record.
  • Throw grenades under the pack-a-punch machine when someone is trying to upgrade their weapon.

Trolling Tactics ("Five")

  • Stand in the elevator doors so they cannot close when someone is trying to use it.
  • In the smaller elevator, lie prone horizontally across the door so players cannot get in or out.
  • Enter a teleporter at the same time as somebody else. You'll see.
  • In either of the elevators, if there is one guy falling behind, hit the elevator right before he gets in.
  • Shoot at the Pentagon thief and lay prone on the floor in the pentagon room, trapping your teammates.

Trolling Tactics (Ascension)

  • Throw A Gersch device next to a downed player. (He'll be sohree) Bonus lulz if your team is far from the starting room.
  • Use the lunar landers before anyone else can get in, bonus lulz if you push someone in the hole left by the lunar lander there, you'll see.

Trolling Tactics (Call Of The Dead)

  • Shoot Romero and block the staircase in the lighthouse thus trapping your teammates
  • If you are the last one standing take out all the zombies, leave one crawler, and jump in the lake and freeze to death, like before, dont forget to record.

Trolling Tactics (Shangri-La)

  • When activating the Eclipse easter egg, dont push your button when everyone pushes theirs.
  • Screw up any step in the easter egg if you dont want to attempt the above trolling tactic, word for word above, dont forget to record.
  • If you completed the easter egg, BTW if you did your a faggot who has no life because it takes at least 100 years to complete, take the focusing stone before anyone else gets it. Prepare for epic lulz.

Trolling Tactics (Moon)

  • When someone gets the hacker, depressurize all cabins and decompress the biodome to make your teammate either trade out the hacker for a PES or die. Teabag as stated in the general trolling tactics if they choose the latter option.
  • Refuse to hack any of the excavators or hack all of them before the team does the achievement easter egg. Prepare for epic lulz.
  • If your Quantum Entanglement Device activates a turret/China Lake/Ray gun, push a teammate in the path of the fire, you'll see.
  • Convince a teammate with Pack-a-punched weapons and with as many perks as possible to dive off the cliffs outside the starting room. Don't forget to record.

NOTE

DLC

Once again, Call of duty fan boys all masturbate in harmony on the sight of DLC. These all new and original DLCs include four new Multiplayer maps and a new Zombie map, but the last 1 is all zombie maps, 4 of them are maps most of you already have.

Berlin Wall: Same as any other map except there's auto turrets on the map, which is extremely gay.

Discovery: An old Nazi Base in the arctic. Will probably never get played because it isn't Firing Range or Nuketown.

Kowloon: HOLY FUCKING SHIT THERE'S A ZIPLINE LIEK IN CAMPAIGN!!1111!!1!1one!11!

Stadium: A Hockey arena. Seriously.

Ascension: The zombie map, new features include a big fucking rotating thing, Space Monkeys, New perks and a black hole grenade. Based on IRL events from the cold war.

Moar new DLC

Treyarch has recently released a new map pack with moar fail, campers and shitty new maps and more unoriginal characters.

Multiplayer Maps:

Zoo: A Soviet Zoo, loads of furries to fap to

Hotel: A huge gay bar which is disguised to look like a hotel

Stockpile: A town filled with spetsnaz vodka drinkers fighting with Op40 soldiers

Convoy: U.S army camp where the americans got ambushed by the russians

Call Of The Dead: A map where you run around as famous actors. Danny Trejo, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Robert Englund, Michael Rooker. You also get George A. Romero who runs around with a Light prjector and hits the guys and tries to grab Sarah Michelle Gellar's Tits


Even MOAR DLC

Treyarch can't stop whoring jew gold from PS3 and Xbox live players, so theyre coming out with 2 new map packs, one of them is maps all players who bought the Hardened and Prestige edition got.

Hangar 18: Fucking hangar where Americans fuck Russian spies up the ass.

Silo: Missile hangar. Srsly

Hazard: Takes place on a fucking golf course. How the shit is it called hazard if its a fucking golf course anyways? Because "Hazard" is a golf term for any sort of trap in which your balls can get trapped/lost. Kthxbye

Drive in: American drive in porn theatre. Copy pasta the map Kino Der toten, but with less zombitches.

Shangri-La: Zombie map that takes place on the Indian-Nepal border where theres 2 new zombies, Napalm zombies which EXPLODE when players walk too close, and Shrieker zombies. Don't even ask about them.

EVEN MORE SHITTY DLC YOU DON'T NEED, thus this was the last map pack due to MW3's release.

Moon: Zombie map which SENDS YOU TO THE FUCKING MOON. SPUFs went into a rage the day this was released because the map is fucking hard as shit, as Zombies can double swipe you and they aren't affected by the map's gravity, so when you survive 1 hit, you get sent flying back into the horde, generating epic lulz for your teammates. Plus an AI controlled astronaut walks around the map searching for you. If he finds you he will twist your nipples and send you back to where you started, I SHIT YOU NOT.

The rest of the maps are the Zombie maps from World at War for the fags that didn't purchase the Hardened or Prestige editions. SO NAO PLAYERS CAN ENJOY THE SHITFEST THEY MISSED FROM WaW CUZ THEY WERE TOLD IT WAS FUCKING CRAP!!!!111!!!!


And there it is. $60.00 total for a bunch of shitty map packs, 4 of which you've all played the shit out of. Like every game that comes out. EVAR.

Multiplayer

How to play

  1. Equip Ghost as your first perk.
  2. Choose the motion sensor for your equipment.
  3. Select the FAMAS, Galil or AK-74u.
  4. Stick a suppressor on it.
  5. Cover it with shitty, garish, retarded looking tiger camo. (Literally half the dickheads in the game have this stupid looking shit camo because they think it looks like the fall camo from modern warfare 2 and thus makes them look l33t.)
  6. Sit in an obscure corner and wait for an enemy player to run by.
  7. "Well you're the one who got killed noob lolololololol!!11!11!!one!1!!11!"
  8. PROFIT

The Nigger Ops mod is remarkably similar to the game its source code was ripped off, Modern Warfare 2. The only significant difference is the price system which shows Treyarch and its Jew nature. Every gun and their associated stats are the same as that found in Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare and Modern Warfare 2. The only difference is that the guns are skinned and named to those used in the Cold War. Oh; and they sound much shittier than before because Treyarch doesn't believe in crisp sounds; choosing instead to focus on annoying ambient sounds.

Black Ops multiplayer still features the same shitty gun research as well as little changes to perks and other multiplayer elements found in MW2.


AND GUESS WUT?! You get to put stickers on your gun! BEST GAME EVUR! You can now put penises on your guns and swastikas! Also. for the 10 year old britfags, you can paint your face! Just like a rapist clown!... No srsly.

Game Modes

Here is the list of the highly repetitive game modes for your "enjoyment".

Team Deathmatch - Point at people on the other team and shoot them. Apparently so skillful.

Capture the Flag - Run, stop running, walk for 3 seconds, run for 2 seconds, walk some more, and then repeat until you obtain the other teams flag. There is a 99.99999 percent chance you will get killed by a claymore/C4/Camper as soon as you touch the flag. The other .000001 percent will have the flag completely unguarded, leaving you to grab it and run, walk, and whatever you did trying to obtain the flag in the first place, only to have you killed by a spawn camper 0.000002531 inches away from the drop point.

Search and Destroy - Also known as trollfest or Search and Dont go for the Objective, this gametype is filled with children ages 8-12 years of age and the occasional 16 year old wigger who think they are the most 1337 3P1C COD PL4Y3R 3V4R!!!!! In this type of game, if you die, you respawn the next round. There is a bomb that you need to carry to a bomb site to make it asplode. Most players don't go for the bomb, because "OMG IF YOU KILL THEM THEY DIE JUST LIKE IN REAL ARMY AND PLUS MORE XP FOR KILL!1!!!11!" Though, some players get butthurt over "WHO GETS THE MUTHAFUCKING BOMB!!" because there's always someone who goes for the objective and plants it, making the game time shorter and the game easier to win. Also, when you kill the last guy alive after he planted the bomb, be sure to jump around the bomb until the last second to defuse it just to look cool. There are about 5 rounds, it may be something else but I don't feel like looking it up so fuck you. Most of the time you will be killed within 5 seconds by a sniper FAMAS camper on the other team. Expect many rages of lulzy proportions. Did I mention its also a copypasta of cunterstrike's bomb defusal gamemode?

Demolition - A game mode where you have to asplode the other teams bombs while the other team defends them. When the round switches, the roles switch as well. If you do manage to get through the claymores/ghost pro campers and get to plant the bomb, you will be killed approximately 0.00001 seconds before you have completed the bomb planting, leading to rage and then suicide. Also, nobody plays it.

Headquarters - Where all the Prestige pros go to gain exp like a rabbit on speed. In this game mode you have to capture a Headquarters that will appear on a random point on the map. When a team captures it, they cannot respawn until the other team destroys the headquarters or when the timer for "reinforcements" counts to zero. During the time in which the headquarters(which looks exactly like the bombs in Demolition and Search and Destroy. Go figure.) is captured, the team will gain random blots of exp until the headquarters dissapears. However, most of the time one team is filled with either a shitload of LMG campers, 8 year olds who play the game too much, 14 year olds who play the game too much, or 18 year olds who play the game to much and a shitload of Last Stand noobs. Your team will probabaly be made out of 8 year olds who suck, trolls, AFK fags, or other people of many different age groups WHO JUST PLAIN FUCKING SUCK AT THE GAME!!!

Sabotage - A game type nobody plays. Basically Search an Destroy except with RESPAWNING!

Domination - Also known as campfest, where 3 points around the map have to be controlled in order to get points. Also, the reason why dogs have surprise buttsecks with your leg!

Combat Training - A game mode where you have ALL OUT FUCKING WAR against A.I. bots! Can be set on any of the previous game modes and can be set on difficulty levels, ranging form the laughably retarded "recruit" difficulty to the aimbot H4x0rz "veteran". Used by 8 year olds who want to be good at SOMETHING!!

Wager Matches

One in the Chamber - THE TENSEST FUCKING THING YOU WILL EVER PLAY IN YOUR LIFE!!!

Sharpshooter - A game where every 45 seconds you receive a random weapon with random attachments. Half the time their launchers or pistols that are useless except for the people that PLAY THE GAME TOO FUCKING MUCH!!!!. Kill people and receive perks, which, conveniently are the most useless ones.

Sticks and Stones - The most skillful, hardcore game mode EVAR!!!!111!one. Where you get a crossbow, barristic knaif, and a tomahawk. Make people go bankrupt by hitting them with a tomahawk. Hate someone you're playing with? Within the final 5 seconds of a match, hit them with a tomahawk, after which they promptly commit suicide.

Gun Game - A game mode where you kill people to advance to the next tier of weapons. For extra lulz, knife someone when their on the last tier. You'll get a funny hate message.

Trolling in Multiplayer

Load video
YouTube
  • See that afk fag? Place a claymore near his feet but be sure that he can see it and wait for him to come back, lulz will ensure.
  • Trap them in a corner, especially in search.
  • Throw decoys at your camping team mates and downed second chance users, moar lulz will be generated if done in Search and Destroy.
  • Tell your fellow teammates your favourite weapon isn't the FAMAS or the AK74u, an hero's should be expected.
  • Follow a teammate around the map, claiming that you're not (Prepare for prepubescent screaming). This will not work, as noone in this game moves more than 5 meters per match.
  • Don't camp.
  • Mention Halo in any possible way shape or form. Record for extra fun.
  • Camp like shit! Then, when people call you on it, tell them your "Tactically hiding."

Camp Ops

Treyarch tried their very best to create a mod that favors casual players who suck at face-to-face engagements. In Black Ops, your regular camper has:

  • An endless choice of buildings to hide in.
  • An endless supply of windows and balconies to peer out of.
  • Motion sensors to detect others.
  • Claymores that explode without any sort of time-delay.
  • Camera spikes.

If you're a person who likes to rush and not sit around in buildings all day, you will be forced to:

  • Swap a rushing perk such as Marathon or Ninja for an equipment-detecting perk such as Hacker. -5 speed.
  • Earn Hacker Pro to escape detection by motion sensors. +5 annoyance.
  • Swap Lightweight for Ghost to avoid Camera Spikes. -5 speed.
  • Stay away from the Lightweight perk altogether, as the retarded dolphin dive will prevent you from dropshotting while sprinting. -5 speed.
  • Play cautiously until you get bored of the mod and quit it for another FPS that actually requires technical ability and not patience. +20 annoyance.

Bring up the topic of camping with any Black Ops fanboy and they will become irate and accuse you of not playing smartly, which is a typical excuse used by somebody who knows that he/she sucks at the game.

While playing Black Cock, don't be surprised to see games ending in a 0-0 stalemate; as both teams camp at opposite ends of the map and refuse to move. Game modes such as FFA consist of 9 players playing hide and go seek. The problem is; nobody ever gets designated to be the "seeker".


   
“ 		 
I don't get all the hate directed towards campers! They're easy enough to kill!
  		„
  		 

—UnderCoverCampers - pretends to be an unbiased observer who doesn't camp his ass off because he has the reaction speed of somebody recovering from a stroke


   
“ 		 
I'M NOT A CAMPER! I'M JUST HOLDING DOWN A TACTICAL POSITION!! IT'S CALLED PLAYING SMART!!
  		„
  		 

—Campzorz2009 - with a typical excuse for his inherent lack of technical ability


   
“ 		 
Soldiers in real life don't run around shooting everybody!!!1
  		„
  		 

—SirCampsALot - Fails to realize that soldiers IRL don't respawn and that stabbing somebody in the foot usually doesn't cause death


   
“ 		 
I'm not camping, I'm patrolling an area!
  		„
  		 

—XxVStDxSkillzxX - Fag who thinks he's pro because he can kill people as they run into a house.

Perks

Black Ops allows players to select three tiers of perks for each class loadout which once again often grants unrealistic abilities or fills the void of stupidity.

Tier One

  • Ghost - Since those who play Black Ops are professional campers, Ghost is easily the most popular first-tier perk, as it prevents the player from showing up on the enemy's radar when a Spy Plane is in the sky. Although Ghost users can still be spotted by the Blackbird killstreak, many of the more experienced campers in Black Ops everyone chooses the Counter Spy Plane, should the need to protect their strategic position camping corner arises.
  • Lightweight - A perk that allows you to run like an anorexic on coke.
  • Scavenger - Lets you pick up enemy ammo and grenades. Why the fuck don't you do that anyway?
  • Flak Jacket - More like Fag jacket. Stops you getting hurt by grenades and fire.
  • Hardline - Lets you get a killstreak one kill early and shuffle care packages. Used with RC Car (see below) to turn the map into a total shitstorm.

Tier Two

  • Hardened (cock) - Increase the bullet penetration on one's gun, to be able to shoot through walls. Why the fuck is it called hardened? Also the pro version stops you flinching when you get shot.
  • Scout - Scout enables the player to hold his breath for a few seconds longer. Without this perk, your character will have the lung capacity of somebody who is dying with lung cancer.
  • Steady Aim - Steady Aim allows casual players to hip-fire SMGs with little to no decrease in accuracy. Thanks to the perk, nobody has to worry about accurate shooting.
  • Sleight of Hand - This turns the player into a magician who can reload his gun before you can even blink. Also allows for faster fapping.

Tier Three

  • Second Chance - Second Chance is a third-tier perk that gives casual noob players the chance to escape death after they've been riddled with bullets. After receiving the amount of damage needed to die, a Second Chance user will fall onto his ass and fumble around on the floor while frantically spamming his pistol in the enemy's direction.

The pro version allows the player to be revived by a team mate so that he can continue on corner camping like a pro, not that it happens often due to the one-man-army mentality of Call of Duty players. If a team mate of yours falls into Second Chance and begs to be revived, be sure to stand over him and teabag him until he dies, other taunts can be used but under no circumstances are they to be revived.

  • Tactical Mask - Turns the player into gasmask girl. This makes the player invincible to Nova Gas, which nobody uses. Useless perk.
  • Ninja - Ninja gives you silent footsteps... which is kind of useless, seeing as the sounds in this game are so hopelessy shitty; meaning that nobody will be able to hear your footsteps anyway. The Pro version is supposed to make your enemy's footsteps louder... although what it really gives you is the pitter-patter of a 2 year old child walking across a concrete floor. Obviously, Treyarch felt as if soldiers carrying hundreds of pounds of equipment would be trained in the art of ballet.
  • Hacker - This allows you to see enemy equipment. A useful perk, seeing as 90% 99% 100% of Black Ops players prefer to camp it out with Motion Sensors and Claymores.

Killstreaks

Call of Duty players can earn certain killstreak awards by hiding in obscure corners (camping like a fag) and killing other players as they run around and attempt to actually play the game.

  • Spy Plane - Requires 3 kills without dying. This Styrofoam plane sucks worse than your mom's ass flaps.
  • RC Car - Currently used by 90% of the Black Ops community; the Remote Control Car allows the player to drive a plastic remote control car around the map like Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone. Once the car is close enough to an enemy, the player can detonate the explosives strapped to the car, which causes what can only be described as a nuclear blast that obliterates everyone in a 500 mile radius. For reasons that the human brain cannot understand, the RC-Car's mini map sprite will sometimes magically transform into a Harrier, making 13-year-old boy rage in harmony. Great for teamkilling in hardcore modes. Oh yeah, flak jacket nullifies it.
  • Counter Spy Plane - This killstreak is somewhat good, but people would rather whore it out for better killstreaks. Used by campers when a Black Bird has been called in to circumvent the Ghost perk's one flaw.
  • SAM Turret - This killstreak can placed somewhere on the map and shoots down enemy aircraft. Don't bother using it, because it's easier to use the M72 LAW.
  • Care Package - Also known as the "skill package". Used by those who don't have the ability to get higher killstreaks and for those who want to kill teammates by dropping it on their heads. Use Hacker Pro to steal enemy packages and turn them into IEDs.
  • Napalm Strike - The napalm strike is basically a plane that swoops in and bombs the FUCK out of EVERYTHING. The flames will incinerate the enemy team as if they were Jews in an oven. Be warned! This killstreak creates invisible fire because Treyarch can't make Call of Duty games anything worth crap.
  • Mortar Team - This killstreak lets you pick three spots on the map to be bombarded with mortars. It's a shame the enemy is too busy inspecting the interior decoration of buildings to be in those spots. Target known areas where your teammates are close to explosive materials for extra lulz.
  • Attack Helicopter - An attack helicopter that doesn't attack; choosing instead to stay in one place and take aerial photographs. Piss easy to shoot down on the rare occasion someone decides to be a good teammate and use launchers.
  • Valkyrie Rockets - Don't even bother with this killstreak. Handles like an epileptic on Ecstasy tablets.
  • Blackbird - This killstreak is the same as the Spy plane: The only difference is that it can't be shot down. It shows the position of EVERY enemy, even if they have Ghost Pro equipped as a perk. You may know where the campers are but can you pry them from their spot avoid walking into their claymores? Useless seeing how all campers use the Cunter spy plane to protect their camping corner.
  • Chopper Gunner - Requires 9 kills without dying. Anyone caught in clear view of the Chopper Gunner has a 99% of being killed on the spot and the onslaught will continue for a full 60 seconds which allows the person playing as a chopper gunner to get dozens of more kills. Only some of the more experienced Every single camper can earn this killstreak. If you are a moron, don't use this killstreak, you get shot down in 0.9001 seconds. Prime example how anything can be unfunny Do it right, faggot.
  • Gunship - This allows the player to fly a crappy Roflcopter around the map and kill enemy players. Can actually avoid rockets by moving, retard. NOPE.

Weapons

As is common in recent times in both Infinity Ward and Treyarch. The guns including in the game are mainly unrealistic bullshit stuck in because the developers were content to just sit around fapping to future weapons and 1980's action movies like Rambo, Die Hard and Predator rather than actually looking up what weapons were used by the forces involved in the times period the game is set in. Most of the weapons featured didn't even exist on a drawing board in the 1960's which is when this game is supposedly set, with some (like the AK-74u) being a complete myth and others (like the PSG-1) being created due to events that happen after the games time period. Treyarch tries, and fails, to get around this problem by stating that because you play as a super special sargant of the super sargants extreme to the max you get access to 'secret prototype' weapons which is utter horseshit for reasons that have already been explaned.

Sub-machine guns

Black Ops has an amazing array of new SMG's (many of which did not exist in the 60's) which are either underpowered, or are way too fucking overpowered.

  • MP5K - The first SMG available in multiplayer. Doesn't work if enemies are over 3 metres away, and all the attachments make it worse.
  • Skorpion - Has the range of a pea-shooter. Requires Sleight of Hand to make this piece of shit even remotely usable. The only good thing about this "weapon" is that it gets you killed.
  • MAC-11 - Quick as hell fire-rate. Gives you the ability to dual wield with suppressors, and Lightweight allows newfags to endlessly spam bullets. Can hit a sniper from around 200 metres away if you're lucky.
  • Uzi - An Israeli SMG that doesn't get used that much in multiplayer at all. High rate of fire, high recoil, and low power makes it the choice for the rare Jews video game player.
  • PM63 - Polish gun with Polish quality. This gun sprays rabbit shit and will blast the enemy's face off if at close range, this gun fails at long range so just fucking kill yourself. faggot.
  • AK-74u - Treyarch continues the Call of Duty tradition of mis-classifying this weapon and giving it a made up name. They added this assault rifle to the SMG category. Now every 13 year old thinks that the AK-74u (it's real name is the AKS-74U) is an SMG. Again, like with most weapons featured in this game, this gun didn't exist in the 1960's with the '74' in AK-74u/AKS-74U standing for '1974' which is the year when the AK-74, the weapon this gun the based on, came into service (i.e. after the events of this game, hear that Treyarch, you stupid fuckups). Also more powerful than a sniper rifle that can shoot as fast as the famas.
  • MPL - A camper's SMG. High rate of fire with a shitty, gay, high pitched sound. One of the most used guns in the game due to its prevalence in Nazi Zombie mode which is the only part of this game that is worth playing more than once. In zombies it has its magazine unrealisticly gimped to 24 rounds from its usual 32.
  • Spectre - Some Italy gun that nobody knows about because they're too young to remember the frigate level of Goldeneye 007. Able to pwn anyone from miles away if the suppressor is put on it.
  • Kiparis - You have to buy the other 8 SMGs first before you can use this piece of shit. It goes through mags faster than it takes a 13-year-old boy to blow his load in Prussian Blue's well worn vagoo, if he can even get pussy in his life, that is. This gun was made in the 1990s yet it landed in a Cold War game.

Assault rifles

MOST used category of weapons besides SMGs, not every surprising considering the shit stats and performance of other weapon categories and the perpetual attempts to try and bring down someone in less than a tenth of a second at all ranges.

  • M16A1 - Despite the full-auto M16A1 being the M16 variant used in the 1960's, the burst-firing M16A2 is in multiplayer. This shit stick takes a magazine and a half to kill a person. Seriously, the fucking Scorpion is better than this shit.
  • M14 - Those lazy ass fags in the animation department couldn't take 5 minutes to move the player character's hand 13 inches downward, so they made this the lmg version of the M14. Not like it matters as nobody uses it. Obviously the worst of all the assault rifles and is made worse in Nazi Zombie mode by having its magazine cut from a reasonable 20 down to a pathetic 8 rounds. This pile of horse excrement should be classed as a pneumatic abortion tool. Don't even try shooting more than one bullet an hour. The recoil on this shit will make you look like a retard trying to do a backflip.
  • FAMAS - Used by every-fucking-body. The camper's assault rifle. Reskinned Enfield. Stick a suppressor on that baby and you can hide in a corner for days. The preferred choice of 10 year olds, and people who like to fire at the hip. But this shit was nerfed, making it a LMG with horrible recoil. Still overused. When irl in sucks massive cock.
  • Galil - This shit will fuck you up. A prime example of Jews flexing their power and control over the media: being the only gun that you can cockmongle over 7000 fuckers with in under 5 seconds in a game that only has 6 opposing players, it is the second Israeli gun you'll see in this mod. For some odd reason, the Jews at Treyarch thought it would be a funny joke to make an assault rifle that's only used by third world militaries be the best gun in the entire game; big mag, good power, good sights. It's a gun made of hax. Put a red dick sight and extended chodes on it, and you have an LMG that's lighter than a COD player's wallet after Activision is done releasing several sets of overpriced map packs. Oh wait, IRL it's heavier than the AUG. Slap on the silencer and watch the Galil magically get ZERO recoil. Put gold camo on it and you're fucking invincible.
  • AUG - Reskinned FAMAS with M14 recoil.
  • FAL - Reskinned M14. Pronounced "fail" because FAL is a fail gun. Used by people with modded controllers or jacked up on massive amounts of coke.
  • AK-47 - The most disappointing weapon in the mod. Used excessively by Russians.
  • Commando - The only Assault rifle worth using, but essentially a reskinned, Americunt alternative to the AK47.
  • G11 - 3-round burst with the RPM of the PPSh-41 from World at War (seriously). It looks like an infected gorilla penis and just looks plain retarded if you stick the scope on it. It uses caseless ammo and has no good attachments.

Sniper Rifles

Anti-personnel weapons designed to kill from hundreds of meters away - which makes them worthless in Black Ops because all the levels are designed for fast spray n pray combat. However if you are a pro player who's looking for those 1337 YOUTUEB CLIPZ!1111!!1!1one, here they are:

  • Dragunov - Moar liek Fagunov. Shit takes at least 100 shots to kill someone. It only kills in one shot if you shoot someone in the head with it, which is impossible, because everyone is running around with Lightweight stabbing people.
  • L96A1 - Apart from the EnFAILED assault rifle this is the only other Britfag gun in the game and the only sniper rifle used in this mod. It's bolt action and can actually kill people in one shot, doesn't matter though because they'll FAMAS your ass from 300 meters away before you even recover from the fucking scope bounce. It's the AWP from Counter-Strike, but called by its Britfag Army name. AWPfags rejoice. This gun was made in the 1980s but Treyarch wanted the fanbois to get those "ZOMG QUIK SCOOPPZ HEADSHOOOTS!!!11!"
  • PSG-1 - A sniping rifle used in a game set in the 1960's that, IRL, was invented because a bunch of Jews got wasted at the 1972 Berlin Olympics. Can actually kill in 1-hit, unless used with a suppressor, in which case it is downgraded into a Fagunov.

PROTIP! Attach an ACOG so you can have a rifle like the M14 or FAL that can actually kill in 1-hit.

EVEN BETTER PROTIP! Just use the FAMAS, Galil or AK-74u like everyone else.

AN EVEN BETTER PROTIP!!Don't buy this shit broken game.

Light Machine Guns

Weapons that give you the speed of a both-legs amputee. LMGs are only good for hip-firing, because if you try to use the sights, you'll be killed by your enemy before you can even muster the strength to bring the gun to eye level.

  • HK21 - The HK21 is the first LMG you get, thus making it shit. It is out of ammo as soon as you start to fire it, and the rear iron sight is pretty much pointless because it is flat. Same stats as the M249 from COD4.
  • Stoner 63 - You must buy every LMG in the mod to unlock this weapon. This LMG has pretty good power, but has too much recoil, and has a fire rate that can unload an entire mag in about half a second, making it unable to hit the enemy.

Shotguns

Weapons that automatically give your target Juggernaut and have an effective range of 4 meters! Just like real life!

  • Olympia - Skeet shooting shotgun used by highly trained and top secret Cold Warriors deep behind the Iron Curtain in enemy territory. Effective range of a fart. Used only by 8 year olds running around with lightweight pro. Most annoying fucking gun in the game! (FUN FACT: The shotgun is called the "Rottweil Skeet Olympia '72" IRL, so it does shoot burning semen)
  • Stakeout - You must be within docking distance of your enemy for this weapon to have a 1-hit kill.
  • SPAS-12 - Shit. Only used by faggots who used this when it was OP as fuck in MW2. Profags get erections over using it with a suppressor for some reason because it doesn't decrease the range or damage it deals out! Iron sights are completely useless, but who aims with shotguns anyways? Can cause spontaneous combustion in single-player and zombies (not that anyone cares).
  • HS-10 - HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT DUAL SHOTGUNS FUCK YEAH!!!111oen!!11. But srs it's also shit. Also IRL version has "CAUTION - DO NOT SHOOT FROM LEFT SHOULDER," printed on the side, once again showing that Treyarch is fucking retarded.
  • KS-23 - The most realistic shotgun in the game due to the fact that it can actually blow off the arms and legs of an enemy with one shot, so why can't the other shotguns do that? Only used by the Russians and anyone who agrees with them in single player.

Pistols

Fuck pistols when you can just use rocket launchers anyway.

  • ASP - The Amazingly Shitty Pistol (better known as the ASP by try hard faggots) is the shittiest gun in the entire game. It's some kinda handgun or some shit. Its sights look like a vagina mix with mustard. It has the fastest reload, though, because luckily your character has a fucking mag taped to his goddamn hand so it can reload faster than someone in Vegas gets STD's. don't use.
  • Makarov - Soviet pocket pistol that nobody uses because it's much easier to use launchers and mass fire them into the enemy team's location.
  • Python - Revolver that will break your wrist if you fire it without Power Gauntlets on.
  • CZ75 - The only pistol CODkids will use because of its high ammo count. Profags use it with Full Auto.

Launchers

The best weapons to get cheap kills with. You could try to take out aircraft only to get killed for standing there while appearing to watch birds, otherwise it is good for killing yourself and others around you.

  • M72 LAW - Not as good as the RPG.
  • RPG - Reskinned M72 but with more damage and the ability to reuse. None of that matters because there's over 9000% chance of you missing your target and hitting a red barrel and killing your team, generating epic lulz.
  • China Lake - Slow as fuck pump-action grenade launcher that is made obsolete by the M203. Seriously: The mod is over before you get to fire this thing.

Specials

Other Shit

Lethal Grenades

  • Frag (Fag grenade) - Obsolete to Semtex in every way, except the ability to cook, but no one uses this feature because they should always be thrown on spawn.
  • Tomahawk (Toma-cock) - Same as the throwing knife from MW2, except in axe form. Profags will randomly throw these across the map over 9000 times in the vain hope of one day scoring a kill out of pure luck so they can put it on youtube with a title like "ZOMG BESTEST BLACK OP KIL EVER!1!1!1!ONE!!1!!1 and generally bullshit out their ass about how it was done through skill and not out of pure fuckin luck.

Tactical Grenades

  • Decoy - A troll's best friend. One should always be at a teammates feet (or chest, they'll probably be in the prone position) at all times for a warm welcome and party.

Equipment

Treyarch has gone to great lengths to encourage camping in this game by equiping players with static area based advantages as their equipment.

  • Camera Spike - Allows you to see around a corner. Whoopdee-fucking-do.
  • C4 - No one uses this. It's pretty much a claymore that you have to set off yourself, which is retarded.
  • Jammer - Counter spy plane but even shittier. Epic trolling machine.
  • Motion Sensor - A camper's best friend used as a portable spy plane, but even shittier. Also an epic trolling machine.
  • Claymore - The only equipment anyone uses. Seriously. Treyarch might as well had made this a fourth lethal grenade option. Besides C4 (which claymores make obsolete), the other equipment is only used by campers. ...So maybe a lot of people don't use Claymores after all.

Quickscopan

Before Black Ops was released, Treyarch decided to bow to the populist opinion of casual gamers worldwide and nerf the shit out of the sniper rifle weapon tier in an effort to put a stop to quickscoping. Optic fanboys worldwide held up their fists in anger at the decision, while unskilled casual gamers everywhere rejoiced and celebrated the fact that the new mod would require less technical abilities than before. And what a great decision it was. Now, instead of having players ruin the game by using different types of weapons, every Black Ops game consists of 6 players on each side using nothing but Assault Rifles, SMGs, and the StonerBoner63. Still doesn't work as Quickscopers can just use L96A1 with an aimbot.

OMG BLACK OPS IS BALANCED

This a typical "Treyarch fanboy" statement made by somebody who is unable to distinguish between the words "balance" and "boring". The multiplayer mode on Black Ops is so mundane and uninspired, that some of the bigger COD-related Youtube channels and personalities have decided to return to previous Call Of Duty games such as Modern Warfare 2 and Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare. The fact that a lot of people are willing to put up with the shit that goes on in MW2 really serves to highlight the fact that Black Ops is so mind-numbingly boring, the player is at risk of having a stroke while playing it. The great thing is: Since all of the unskilled defensive players are too busy hiding in corners and playing with their motion sensors on Black Ops, games such as Call of Duty 4 and MW2 are now relatively fun to play again.

Typical Online Game

Your Team

You

Split Screen Fag

Split Screen Fag

AFK

L96A1 sniper whore trying to get those 1337 noscopezzz!!111one (and failing)

Most likely no one is taking up the 6th spot, as the matchmaking system is ass


Enemy Team

FAMAS Camper

Galil Camper

Silenced AK74u Camper. He has a Motion Sensor.

Silenced FAMAS Camper. He has a Jammer.

AK74u Rusher going balls deep on your retarded team

Silenced Galil Camper getting killstreaks and calling in Dogs 24/7.

Of course, the game will end in the enemy team winning with over 9000 kills, you should probably just kill yourself right now. Fag.

Uninstalling Black Ops


   
“ 		 
You will never escape our cancer.
  		„
  		 

—Activision

Media

Perhaps the best and most logical way to play this mod is trolling or generally being an absolute ass while sitting back and watch other players congratulate you on being an unforgettable player with a high level of sportsmanship and camaraderie.

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Basic template of pretty much every Call of Duty game from Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare onwards.

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Everything else

Anything discussed about Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare, Modern Warfare 2 or even Call of Duty: World at War can be applied to Black Ops to a certain extent.


External Links

http://denkirson.xanga.com/632800688/call-of-duty-4/

http://denkirson.xanga.com/715966769/modern-warfare-2/

http://denkirson.xanga.com/735016527/black-ops/

Use these three links above to compare stats of weapons,etc. See why M249 almost equals HK21 and why Black Ops weapon stats and perhaps the mod itself are simply a bastardised offspring of the few previous titles just like how Solidus Snake is the bastardised clone of Big Boss.

Buttmad guy strangles kid who pwned him too many times

See Also


Call of Duty: Black Ops is part of a series on

Gamers

Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage.

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