England
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BREAKING NEWS!! LOL BRITBONG LOST IN SOCCERBALL TO CROATIA. |
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England needs a Dental Plan!
A message from the American Dental Association |
England, Engerland, Merry Olde England, Albion, North France, Airstrip One, Englandistan, Inkland, Britfagland, America's Bitch, Engayland, Britshits, Middle East Jr., US Aircraft Carrier, Crumpetville, Fatland, Scotlands arse, Wales' Abusive Spouse, Tea-and-Crumpet-land, Bongistan or New Pakistan is the largest and the most inbred city within the United Kingdom. (See Wales for above average inbreeding within the United Kingdom).
—Winston Churchill | ||
Geography
England occupies the South-Eastern portion of the British Isles. It begins south of where it is considered for maybe half of the days of the year to be "quiet mild". The South-East of the South-East, particularly Kent, can be considered "pleasant" even, but let's not get too cocky as the whole area is indiscriminately faggged by rainy weather all over. Unfortunately (for the English) England shares land borders with alcoholic free-loaders to the north and inbred sheep shaggers to the west; the Irish Sea is to the north west, the Celtic Sea to the south west and the North Sea to the east, with the English Channel to the south separating it from continental Europe. Most of England comprises the central and southern part of the island of United Kingdom in the North Atlantic. The country also includes at least 100 smaller islands such as the Isles of Scilly and the Isle of Wight.
History
Recent studies on the Human Genetic background of the British Isles has revealed that 90%> of the islands' population is homogeneous and descends from the same group of Ice Age Anatolians who made their way to the semi-defrosted archipelago via Yugoslavia and Spain. This instinctively obvious fact is made apparent in the election of a Turkish as Patron Saint. The hunting gatherer islanders were eventually taught farming and distilling but they could never achieve political union or form less than seven fiefdoms competing for only part of the Island. England was therefore subsequently invaded by superior peoples like the Italians, Danes and even by the retarded bastard children of Norwegian plunderers in France. The winners established the Crown and Aristocracy and imbued in their subjects a deep inferiority complex. After generations of mostly incest, but some intermarriage too, the mostly inbred Yugoslavian-Spanish population developed an "English National Identity" by confusing their own inbred bloodlines with that of the Continental Aristocracy that ruled the land. This mythology is central to all self-respecting English families and is the root for the English projected genocidal hatred on the Ireland who are genetically the same as them. This also explains why the English immediately migrate to Spain as soon as they can buy their freedom from their Germanic Queen and her Jews handlers in The City.
Being English is a choice much like being Homosexuality:
—Prince Charles to Queen Elizabeth | ||
—Prince Charle's admission is why the tampon was renamed a British teabag | ||
Climate
The English weather is a popular talking point amongst those that have not got anything better to do such as old biddies and homosexuals. On the rare occasions that temperatures rise above 21 °C (70 °F), the English take to the streets in order to burn themselves beyond recognition and comment endlessly on how mild the weather is these days.
—Queen | ||
Culture
The English often see themselves on a podium next to Americunts, looking down at the rest of Europe; When coincidentally the only country which likes England is England.
What the rest of the world thinks English culture is like:
Football
Football (also known as Soccer in backwards countries) is the national sport of England. It is a dirt cheap sport made popular the world over by European colonialism and the crushing poverty brought on by said colonialism. In this child's sport, a man with a faggy haircut running 10 kilometers in 90 minutes while tripping over chalk lines and miming injuries is considered to be the height of athleticism and machismo. In the original rules of Football, hands were allowed to be used, however, competitors complained that this left little time to fondle and stroke each other's genitals and so the use of the upper limbs was banned. English football fans are world renown for their ability to smash shop windows, trash parked cars, set fire to police officers and beat twenty shades of shit out of each other before and after football matches. More recently they are known for watching their country finish a team of nigger fucktards in group play during the World Cup. Ouch.
Music
England has produced such musical legends as Rickroll, Depeche Mode,David Bowie, Sir Elton John, George Michael and Freddie Mercury. It is compulsory for English musicians to be arse bandits.
Rick and Roll!
Dogging
Dogging is an English euphemism for fucking in a semi-public place (typically a secluded car in a car park) and then squirting your dirt watching others doing so. Frequently, there are more than two participants; both group sex and gang banging can be included. As observation is encouraged, voyeurism and exhibitionism are closely associated with dogging. The two sets of people involved often meet either randomly or arrange to meet-up beforehand over the Internets.
A typical English cum-soaked cock-jockey:
Multiculturalism
Englandistan is a melting pot of people from many ethnic backgrounds. In England, people from different cultures celebrate their differences by shitting in each others gardens, throwing bricks through eachother's windows, smashing broken bottles over eachother's heads, raping eachother's children and stealing eachother's personal belongings.
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Do's and Don't's in Englandistan
- You are not allowed to display the flag of St. George or the Union Jack for fear of offending ethnic minorities. Such an act is punishable by rape. You are however allowed to wipe your crack on the star spangled banner as Americunts are too stupid to be offended.
- You are not allowed to sing racist nursery rhymes such as 'Baa Baa Black Sheep' or 'Sleep Black Person Child Sleep'.
- You are allowed to rape foreign visitors who are unable to speak English, such as Americunts.
- You are allowed to burn down Mosques providing you have the correct permit.
Language
The English are most recognizable for speaking in any one of their hyper-specialised accents, the most notable being Cockney, Low-bred and Pompous Jackass. Cockney (lol, cocks) is probably the only one worth elaborating on, as it is the most specialized. English sound like a gay baukkake of elephants with down syndrome are having a kinky orgy. The first thing a Cockney speaker will do is replace every "t" with an apostrophe (e.g. apostrophe -> apos'rophe; planetarium -> plane'arium). Instead of placing the tip of the tongue against the hard palate like normalfags do, a Cockney speaker uses the diaphragm to force air through the throat while simultaneously jamming the epiglottis flap over the bronchial tubes. The resulting sound is made deep in the throat utilizing the epiglottis and treating the vocal folds as the threshold of the lungs. The exception to this rule of course happens when that "t" is at the end of a word such as is found in the ever-present ancillary contraction, "innit". The second unique feature of Cockney is that it uses rhyming slang which is more long-winded than the word for which it is being substituted. For instance, instead of saying "stairs" a cockney speaker would say "apples and pears". [1]
Americans acknowledge two British accents; cockney and posh.
Don't forget Scouse, which sounds somewhat familiar to a dog trying to talk round a mouthful of David Cameron's cum-stained dick. It is spoken in Liverpool, with imitators in Skelmersdale, Wigan, and Ormskirk. All of these towns are notable shitholes not worth the price of dropping a bomb on them.
Indigenous ethnic minorities
England proudly is the home of some indigenous ethnic minority groups that are unique on their own and have succefully contributed to the British society :
- Cockneys
The name of the always high-standing inhabitants of the downright luxurious East End of London. Cockneys speak a language with a distinctive sound which is the result of them constantly choking on their own tongue with each vowel they try to produce. Cockneys often claim that they're bloody English unknowing that probably 30% of their genetic markers is Jews, another 30% Ireland supplemented with 5% gypsy and that leaves them about 35% of real English ancestry which really isn't enough to describe themselves as bloody English.
- Scousers
A name given to the proud inhabitants of the glorious city of Liverpool. They often boast that they are 100% NOT English, which is only partly true. While it's true that they in part descended from Welsh savages ( even those pussies had criminals once) and Irish bully victims, they can still trace 50% of their lineage back to what were the Anglo-Saxon forebears of modern day child rapists. That makes them -to their own disgust- ethnically even more English than the Cockneys. Scousers also produce an insanely irritating noise known as 'Scouse'. Hard to explain in words what the language actually sounds like, but I guess the sound of a Viking cornholing a monkey is the closest thing to the Scouse language. Maybe that's also that reason the synonym for Scouser is Northern Monkey.
- Geordies
Probably the only people living in England that -if you exclude the inevitable Irish immigrants- can really trace their ancestry to Anglo-Saxon clans, which isn't really a compliment since the Anglo-Saxons were the genious inventors of 'blood feuds' ( a cultural pastime activity which can entertain not only one but TWO entire families ! Fun times !). A Geordie will very often say that the city of Newcastle is so much better than London or Liverpool, when in reality it's just as shitty. A distinct trait of Geordies is that they always sound like cavemen, whether they're being friendly or not. That's also the reason why not one tourist ever goes to Newcastle, something the proud Geordies don't understand.
Despite their mutual hate for each other Cockneys, Scousers and Geordies share some of the same hobbies. These include robbing banks, producing and exporting MDMA, bringing in cocaine and heroin, torturing rivals and extorting the same pubs they go for a pint every day. Since all three of them are ambitious people they have conducted these activities beyond English borders into the rest of Western Europe. One could say that Mancs are also a distinct ethnic group, but since about 95% of Mancs are in fact Irish immigrants we'll just ignore them.
Industry
The primary exports of England consist of tea, sodomy and faulty appliances. In recent years, a smaller but no less profitable market has arisen in the form of alcoholic expatriates, who are routinely shipped to pubs around the globe where they attempt to inform all within earshot how much better Manchester is than their pleasant, rural fishing village.
Military
England has one of the worst military in the world. This is likely due to the high IQ among the people, and the fact that 99% of Britfags don't even know what a gun is. The British military is famous for the amount of homosexuality among the army, navy, and air force alike , also they shot down a Russian jet by accident and Russia didn't go tits up about it
Throughout history, the British Empire has made fucking retarded fails, such as losing a small colony of themselves over a clearly one-sided war. They lost the game (one that even 419 Nigerian Email Scams could have easily won) due to having gay orgies in the middle of the battlefield, allowing Americunts to kill all of them with a single musket round.
Around 40 years later, they were defeated again by the Americunts in The War of 1812. This war was essentially a copypasta of the American Revolution. Britain made the same mistakes as before, demonstrating a large amount of Derp among the British military.
And 100 years later, in WW1, they made the same mistake of having sweaty oral sex in the middle of the battlefield, proving that Britfags do not learn.
But at least they are better than the France, another well renowned country with a shit military.
Physical Anomalies
The English are asymmetrical along the body, meaning that the left part is not a mirror image of the right. They do not have hardened exoskeletons which results in horrible skin conditions. They breathe via their lungs through their permanently flared nostrils.
English bodies can be classified into three major parts: head, abdomen and limbs. The limbs, one pair each of legs and arms, attach directly to the head.
The Queen is responsible for laying the thousands of eggs required for replacing workers lost in Iraq. The number of males is generally low because only one male (ubiquitously named Steve) is needed for the entire reproductive process. Despite this, all English people, regardless of sex, are referred to as Englishmen. This is probably due to the fact that all Limey females appear to be male.
English males have absurdly curved penises. This has resulted in the banning of Englishmen from babysitting duties in France, Poland, and Jewnited States of Americunts due to vaginal and anal hookings.
English women are famous throughout the world for their fried-chicken scented pussies and gravy scented poo pipes. For this reason, niggers are banned from touching English women. Entry into an English female can only be achieved with the aid of a dragon or an elfin password.
Contrary to what most people believe, the English do not bite. They use their jaws to anchor themselves and then, using their strong mandibles, attach themselves to their food and tear at it with their limbs.
English children are unisex until the age of 15 when they are sprinkled with the queen's fart dust and buried beneath Stonehenge for a fortnight. This process is knows as "Kimping the Wonksey" and ranks among the most hallowed of the world's coming of age rituals.
A typical English child. Please note the fucktarded teeth and the fact that he should have been an abortion:
English Humo(u)r
The English are among the most cheerful and humo(u)rous people in the world. When in England and among the English, whether you'll find yourself robbed, bum-fucked, cheated, scammed, abused, insulted, knifed in the back on the Londonistan subway ('the toob'), or encouraged to commit suicide by them, you can be certain that in every such situation, you will hear many a merry chuckle and amusing jokes and witticisms, spoken in a variety of hilarious English accents.
English Television
Recent research by English scientists has discovered large amounts of a physical phenomenon called "suck" emanating from English Television. English citizens (or people unlucky enough to be in England) must watch one of many channels named with the "BBC (X)" naming convention. If you don't like what's on BBC 1, turn it to BBC 2; they'll have something that definitely is not about redecorating a house or a room therein.
English scientists also learned how to pipe this Vortex of Suck to the USA. The average Dish Network or DirecTV now has an extra channel to skip over in search of mediocre soft core Cable porn or SpongeBob SquarePants. Fortunately, the pipes are a bit leaky, or else Americans would be seeing shit like Little Britain, but are still strong enough to contain the win that is Top Gear.
Channel 4 is another television channel in England where it's main shows are about freaks and filming freaks 24/7. They also air the British version of Big Brother. To become a house mate on Big Brother you must either have the biggest breasts for miles, claim to be a gay or have sucked cock for money. Fucktard are also welcome, and if you have all three qualities you are likely to be jumped and put in the house by force.
The most popular TV show in England is "Rainbow", which teaches young English viewers the importance of taking their twangers out and banging with them, playing each other's pipes, plucking away and playing with their balls. Srsly, watch it here.
Special Note: English comedian Hugh Laurie actually trolled American TV by pretending to be an Americunts and getting a part on the famous Sci-Fi show House MD. He was subsequently charged for his crime of defecting to the filthy, Amerykanz and brought back to England via a Vauxhall Saturn car (We don't want your stinking, good quality foreign cars, Johnny Foreigner--we'll stick to our shitty, outdated ones). (Although, moar hilariously, the English are too dumb to know that the 100% British Vauxhall cars are actually shittier versions of the German Opel models, only with a different badge and the steering wheel moved to the wrong side. But HA! In a twist of fate Opel is owned by GM, therefore making all of that irrelevant!)
The SuperWhoLock fandom gained traction for a brief period on tumblr in 2013-2014. It was very popular for teen girls to openly fantasize about ugly British actors until the events of Dashcon brought them back to their senses.
Guide To Being English
- Visit an Irish pub for an Australian beer
- While at that pub involve yourself in a conversation discussing the equality of rights for all British Citizens or about social mobility as a British Citizen in the modern age while ignoring the fact that you still maintain a system that one man is better than another because of birth or how many of the highest positions in government are inherited.
- On the way home from the pub purchase either fish and chips (invented by Mexican Jews), an India curry, a Turkish kebab, or a Chinese takeaway. Though probably the curry, because they fucking rock and taste better than any fucking thing originating anywhere within about a thousand miles of England, whose national "cuisine" centers profoundly on nasty shit, boiled until at least it doesn't taste of anything.
- Eat said food while sitting on a Swedish sofa while watching American programs on a Japanese television and if, by chance, you do happen upon a British Made Tv Show being exported to the U.S. make no notice that many of the actors speak with an American sounding dialect.
- Steal Genoese flags and Czech coats of arms and pretend that they are yours
- If living in Bradford, Norwich, Gloucester or Dorset marry your cousin
- Be suspicious of all things foreign while forgetting that your gene pool has seen more foreign sperm than Paris Hilton and that your royal family is a closer relation, genetically, to Germans than they are your average Englishman.
- Worship St. George who was a Arab who had nothing to do with England. Then bitch about how Englishness is being taken away from you because sandniggers are restricting your right to worship a sandnigger who had nothing to do with England.
- If you're against people attacking Muslims, you'll probably end up a communist selling Socialist Workers Party outside conventions for Yiffing.
- Before any world sporting event show your pride for Great Britain by proudly flying the Union Jack upside down.
- Believe that England will win every sporting event, and send death threats to someone when it doesn't happen. Riot when you lose or when you win. Travel to international games not so much to see the match as to fuck up the city center and throw bricks and bottles at the local law enforcement officials. Sing ingenious songs on the terraces such as the unforgettable "I'd rather be a Paki than a Turk", premiered while playing Turkey.
- Criticize Americunts for engaging in irresponsible imperialistic adventurism while forgetting that America is the product of irresponsible imperialistic adventurism on the part of the English, as well as the English doing the same to Iraq or the world as a whole At least 100.
- Dress in a tracksuit or other sporting gear but don't actually get any exercise
- Complain about the weather when it rains. Complain about the weather when it's sunny; despite the fact that England invented rain and as such is entitled to it all day, every day.
- Leech off the state
- Listen exclusively to Radio 4. It's a spiffing good listen and a rollocking good time can be had.
- Drink shitty beer.
- Get sunburnt when it's hotter than 10°C outside.
Notable Britfags
- Adele
- Alfred Pennyworth
- Americunts
- Amy Winehouse
- Soviet Canuckistan
- Vagoo
- Retard
- Baby P
- Belle Delphine
- Boris Johnson
- Dangasm
- David Cameron
- David Beckham
- Derrick Bird
- Nurse Who
- Elliot Rodger
- Gail Dines
- Gary Glitter
- Gorillaz
- V
- Harry Potter
- Hugh Laurie
- Spice Girls
- Jack the Ripper
- Jake Davison
- Jared Milton
- Joe Blackburn
- Jonathan King
- Joyce Vincent
- KurtBatz
- Margaret Thatcher
- Mary Bell
- Michael Ryan
- MonkeyGameGuides
- Myra Hindley
- Rosemary West
- OldDirtyBtard
- Richard Dawkins
- Ricky Gervais
- Sacha Baron Cohen
- Shannon Matthews
- Sherlock
- Purple Aki
- Sceptre
- Sir Ben Kingsley
- Stephen Hawking
- The Beatles
- Rolling Stones
- The Royal Family
- The Young Ones
- Tony Blair
- Winston Churchill
- Faggot
- KaijuKraid
- Vanessa George
- Wales
- Potty Pete
English Inventions
- Adjustable spanner
- Carbonated water
- Crimes
- The Police as a means to control the public, minimize what they called defiant crowds or rather any group protesting and help industrialists put an end to strikes through fear and ass whuppings, not for the reason of stopping and investigating crime like propaganda teaches.
- G.I. Joe Was originally called The Action Man and I have a message for him.
- The Court Jew. A name given to a rich Jew or Jewish family who gained favor from a royal family because they were willing to lend them money at insanely low interest rates for exploitable positions like Tax Collector or for favorable titles. A well known example is the Rothschilds.
- Electrical generator
- Bad English Literature like No Shit Sherlock Holmes.
- The Junkie Detective, Doctor - anything white collar and professional story with, you guessed it, No Shit Sherlock Holmes.
- Fire extinguisher
- Incest
- Pain Series, rightfully appropriated from the Indians
- Worchestire Sauce
- Teabags
- The Marine Chronometer.
- Witch Trials
- Shotacon You never asked yourself why an underclassman is called a fag by the olderboys. The English prefer the term Batting and not pedophilia or ass fucking when a relationship develops.
- Crumpets - debated. Emilie Autumn claims to have invented them first. Truth! Most people who have ever had one suspect they are made from earwax, plaster of paris and couch stuffing.
- The Sun Burn
- Full Body Freckles
- Fish and Chips
- Mechanical lubricaton
- Ugly People
- Rotten Teeth
- Mostly-free Healthcare (with the exception of the odd bribe to push you past the elderly woman next to you on the transplant list or being that elderly woman and see being pushed aside as her duty to God and England because some low ranking royal needed that transplant more.)
- Marxism
- The Adult Virgin
- Monty Python
- Ræp
- Refrigerator
- Nearly every sport in the world (which is ironic as they now suck at all of them).
- Most laughable cultural movements; chavs are examples of this.
- Educational youth videos
- The Jewnited States of Americunts
- And, ironically ketchup.
- United States of Australia (WTF were they thinking) They had no choice because they were running out of places to keep their toothless whores.
- Jewnited States of Americunts (Biggest mistake)
- Soviet Canuckistan (Who??)
- Isræl (Another mistake)
Places of Interest
- Any Airport - Fastest way out of England short of suicide or being vaguely ethnic-looking
If there are no planes out of this country, and you're not desperate enough to become An hero, you should try your best to avoid these places:
- Bath - Probably the world's most beautiful city that hasn't been flooded with Pakis
- Birmingham - Pakis's largest foreign territory
- Blackpool - Shitty seaside town with a discount Eiffel Tower on the seafront
- Boston - It's shit, but at least it's not as bad as its American namesake
- Bradford - Approximately half of the buildings in the city centre are cheap KFC-knockoffs. Also where George Galloway tried to ban an entire race
- Brighton - AKA "England's San Francisco" and "Brokeback Beach"
- Bristol - Somehow manages to be weird and boring at the same time
- Buckingham Palace - The Queen's crib. Japanese tourists circle it like sharks
- Cambridge - Site of Cambridge University
- Cheshire - A magnet for premiership footballers and their silicone wives
- Cornwall - Its residents haven't discovered fire yet, and they still have a Celtic language due to their isolation from the rest of England
- Dewsbury - A hilly shithole full of Pakis and Hungarians that Shannon Matthews called home
- Essex - England's Jew Nersey, but with less wops and even more fake tan
- Goole - A shitty port town downriver from Hull with the highest rate of drug-related deaths in the country
- Grimsby - So shit that Sacha Baron Cohen is making a film about it
- Huddersfield - "I'm in me mum's caaaaah, broom broom"
- Hull - With a White British population of 96%, Hull is proof that you don't need ethnic minorities for somewhere to be a total shithole''
- Jaywick - In Essex, but instead of tacky sluts who have ghastly fake tans, it's a ghost-town with pubs and arcades boarded-up, closed down and forgotten. The only people who live in the damp, shitty sheds are those who sit on their fat arses while wearing a vest with egg yolk on it and watching shit on their '90s Philips television as those who work give them cash.
- Lake District - Young middle-class families from the South on canoeing holidays
- Leeds - A large teenage commune in the north of England home to large chav, chavmo, weeaboo and hipster populations. Also the hometown of Jimmy Savile
- Liverpool - Has lost 47% of its population since the 1930s, making it like the English Detroit. Also home city of The Beatles
- London - So much shit to say that it has its own fucking page
- Luton - Goatse, full of Pakis, basically Bradford's southern twin
- Manchester - Home of the easiest sluts on the planet
- Newcastle - Home to easy sluts that rival Manchester and Geordie Shore, a shitty Jersey Shore ripoff
- Norfolk - A giant field full of farmers and incest. Liz has one of her many summer homes here too
- Nottingham - Has a rich history of fictional muggers in tights. Has recently become a haven for Jamaicans and guns
- Oxford - Site of Britain's well educated. By that we mean Marxist SJWs
- Peterborough - Shit no foreigners care about
- Rotherham - Make sure to hide yo kids from Asian grooming gangs
- Sheffield - Where people pass the time by worshiping Arctic Monkeys and burning effigies of Margaret Thatcher
- Southend - Southern clone of Blackpool
- Southampton - Southern clone of Liverpool
- St Helens - Basically a mini-Liverpool sitting just east of the city
- Swindon - Every trainfag's dream
- Stonehenge - A pile of rocks in a field, built by neolithic hippies on mushrooms to tell the time
- Wakefield - Home of some abandoned castle. Not much else
- Thames Estuary - Home to 90% of England's racists, with Thurrock being the standout shithole among this bunch of miserable settlements to the east of Londonistan
- Windsor - Where Liz set her mansion on fire in 1992
- Yeovil - The epitome of weird in the crazy corner that is South-West England
- York - Where students come to get pissed everyday and drown in the local rivers
Trolling the English
- Insult the The Royal Family and the British Empire on this forum.
- Remind them of Prince Charles' Comment to Camilla and tell them that's why we call a tampon a British teabag in the U.S.
- Tell them that they are the ugliest Europeans/people in the world and the only good looking English are the mixed race ones.
- Tell them how funny it is that they take so much pride in being German (Angles & Saxons) yet they are the swarthiest people in Northern Europe and look nothing like Germanics.
- Tell them how unfunny Monty Python is.
- Ask them how it feels to see their once great nation taking the back seat while Germany & France lead Europe's economic and technological advancement.
- Remind them that it was common for their ancestors to commit incest sex and relationships during the medieval periods (that's probably why there so FUCKEN ugly).
- Ask the English men why their women marry only Black and Muslim men? (Maybe because English men have small penises and are too pale and most look like Rowan Atkinson).
- Remind them that while the age of consent may be 16, the average Englishman doesn't lose his virginity until the age of 18. (Most never lose their virginity)
- Remind Englishmen that the average age for a Englishwomen to lose their virginity is 16, because they've already had sex with a Black or Muslim guy before them.
- Remind them that the Muslims will eventually take over.
- Tell them that because of their love of niggers and Tv shows like Nurse Who being used to brainwash the populations, many believe that England will have a nigger Queen in at least 100 years.
- Remind them that their country is the most crime-ridden, fattest, least developed country in Western Europe.
- Tell them that there not important to world anymore and no one gives a fuck about Britain, even their former colonies have more influence and importance to the world now than the UK.
- Remind them the British Empire couldn't beat Afghanistan in the 1800's and got fucked up big time.
- Remind them that their superior democratic, atheist, intelligent, classy society, still has a monarchy run by inbred cousin-fuckers, who believe their ancestor was chosen by God or a magical sword to rule the country, and that their free lifestyle is paid by them.
- Tell them that the shittiest countries drive on the left side of the road.
- Confuse them with Australians.
- Remind them how they not only stole rock n' roll from Americans, but Nigger Americans.
- Remind them how an anorexic Indian fucked up things for them.
- Have a laugh about how their humped-back King was buried under a parking lot.
- Yell "Look out, a pipe bomb!" in a pub.
- When meeting someone, always say "Ello gov'na".
- Remind them that it took them over 9000 years to figure out there was a correlation between their dumping of sewage in the Themes and outbreaks of cholera.
- Remind them that the drunk micks to the west have more money and far less brown people than them.
- Most English car enthusiasts congregate on this forum [2] as well most of the Eurotrash of the Internets. Since they pretend to be serious, a good way to troll them is get as random as you can, something that definitely would not work on Americans.
- Constantly yell "I GOT ME TEA AND CRUMPETS!!1" in the worst Cockney accent you can.
- Call it soccer. Then tell them that it's a "sport" for tossers and children.
- Many English lol-cows congregate on TSR forums, principally to discuss how to survive with the complete absence of oral hygiene.
- Point out that there are nearly six times as many people speaking American English as there are those speaking British English. Laugh at them for speaking a mud-mouthed, minority dialect.
- Spell through as thru, rough as ruff, tough as tuff, though as tho, Americunts as cunt, etc.
- Ask them what periodontitis feels like, since this question will be incomprehensible in all other "English-speaking" countries.
- Remind them that Americunts have the best military in the world. HOO-RAH! Do not be deterred if they start listing numerous "blue-on-blue" incidents where meth-addled US pilots keep accidentally dropping heavy ordnance on allied forces. Simply point out to them that England has as many fighter planes in Afghanistan as you have fingers on your hands because their country is too poor to field a dominant air force.
- Question how a nation with no army (but help from the French) could withstand the super-power of the world and later gain their independence, only for the British to come back in 1812 and burn down the Whitehouse and most of Washington, and steal Detroit (only to return the shithole for obvious reasons). It is because the British Army is so weak they couldn't even beat Fiji in a war if they tried.
- After a heated discussion, tell that you know why they are mad, after a short pause say that is because of the Boston Tea Party. Tell them that they are NEVER going to get that tea back and that it is in our harbor, and it will stay there forever, and then run off like the chuckling history nerd that you are.
Tell them to pick a fucking name for their country: England, United Kingdom, United Kingdom, the United Kingdom, what the FUCK is it? (See Dumbfuckistan.)Disregard, barely any of them actually know or care, due to their intense hatred of every other part of the country. It's easy. England = one part of the island of Great Britain. Great Britain and Britain are the same, Britain is the short form. Britain is the island on which England, Wales and Scotland preside. The United Kingdom is the collection of countries which form a group, which is England, Wales, Northern Island and Scotland.
- Suggest that England, Scotland, Wales, and Northern Ireland are all in fact the same country, a bit like Mexico, the USA, Canada and Puerto Rico. Although they are united under the same government and so by definition are one country, their prior noted hatred of every other part of the country coupled with strong senses of regional pride makes them sure to explode with rage when this fact is revealed to them.
- Tell them they are European. When they go onto the "the English are not European" rant, show them an atlas and offer them some Freedom Fries.
- Inform them that if it were not for 'mericans they would be worshiping Hitler instead of a long line of inbred fucks. Brits will question why the almighty 'mericans waited so long to join them while conveniently forgetting that their limey asses would have starved to death without the aid provided at massive risk by American merchant vessels during the battle of the Atlantic. Then point out that if they knew their history half as well as they pretended to, they would remember that nobody believed the Germans could roll up the English and French lines with such child-like ease. Finally, apologize sarcastically for not saving them fast enough and thank them for all of that help with the Japanese.
- Let them know that the English would not have a slim girlish figure (unlike Americans) if they had women that could cook a decent meal. All British people aspire to not have slim figures and wish that they could resemble the fatass Americans over the pond.
- Remind them their shitty country was conquered by the French, unlike Louisiana.
- Have them extradited for a petty crime under the "no evidence needed" warrant.
- Suggest that Scottish people are equal/superior to English people. This will lead to butthurt and a hate filled response about how pathetic the Scots are for hating England.
- Call them Scottish/Irish/Welsh.
- Remind them that Scotland created the uk
- Tell them that any random Americunts rapper is a better poet than their beloved Ted Hughes. Finish this off by saying that Sylvia Plath's death wasn't a suicide but rather she was murdered by her husband Ted Hughes.
- Have a laugh about the Queen being dead in their presence (queue the seething butthurt).
- Say U W0T M8 every time they try to say anything.
Gallery of England
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A typical British afternoon
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English House of Parliament.
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How to treat an English woman.
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Elton John - the true Queen of England.
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One of England's most beloved monarchs.
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Typical English Youths
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England's gross national product - English humor.
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Typical British citizen in his natural habitat
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Typical representatives of the self-proclaimed Imperial Seat of European Civilization.
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The British are renowned for their high dental standards.
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A kilt wearer exposes his genitals next to the queen of Britain.
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Thankful for being given old rusty junk from US Army surplus, the SAS, British special forces, undergo the strictest training to ensure EPIC PWNAGE by shooting their enemies in the dick.
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Favo(u)rite pastime of young Englishmen.
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Hot (to a typical braindead twelve-year-old white girl) British guy.
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Having allowed themselves to be pwned by muds, this is an example of the standard English male.
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See also
- 6 BONG
- Abbey Road
- BritPol
- Chav
- Dancing Prince Charles - Forced Meme spawned on B3ta in 2012 (disambiguation)
- English Scum
- Labyrinth
External Links
| Featured article March 14, 2005 | ||
| Preceded by LJ user |
England | Succeeded by MySpace |
| Featured article July 8, 2005 | ||
| Preceded by Pedophilia |
England | Succeeded by Anonymous pussy |
| Featured article September 8, 9, and 10, 2022 | ||
| Preceded by Transgender |
England | Succeeded by 9/11 |