Nick Clegg
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Nick Clegg, the "stud monkey of Parliament", is the leader of the Liberal and Social Democrat party of the UK, and has brought sex into British politics for the first time since the tragic death of the MP and part time supermodel, The Right Honourable Mo Mowlam (18 December 1949- 19 August 2005.)
As a 16-year-old girl exchange student in Munich, Germany, he performed community service for a minor case of arson: he and a girlfriend attempted to smoke Germany's leading collection of cacti belonging to a professor, in the mistaken belief that they were hallucinogenic, something which he said he was "not proud" of, when it re-emerged during his time as LSD Home Affairs spokesman [1]. His Dutch mother Hermance van den Baked was a hippy with special drug needs who had been interned as a girl with her family by the Amsterdam police, who were quoted as saying "de vrouw was harshing mijn buzz, man". His great-great-great-great aunt was the writer Baroness Mora Budsmoke, who liked to share horse cock with Catherine the Great [2].
The Rise of Clegg
Clegg first sprung to attention on the popluar British pron soap "Last Of The Summer Wine" and then went onto to achieve a nomination for his local LSD coven by allowing his 12' pink torpedo to swing about during a spirited rendition of "Stay on the scene, (get on up), like a sex machine." In an article in Wimmins's Weekly Clegg claimed to have had 'the sexy time' with 'no more' than 9000 women [3]. In a no-holds-barred interview involving handcuffs and babyoil, Clegg recalled being "pretty gobsmacked" on first meeting a when they were both studying in Belgium. "You haven't lived until you've eaten three day old paella out of a senorita's pubic bush," he said. "It's fish heaven." After first mistakenly wooing her in France, he learnt to speak Spain 'for her sake' (although cynics say he was merely shouting in English and putting "O" on the ends of words). "It was then I realised that I wanted to pound as deeply into the European Community as I could," purred Clegg, oiling his torso.
Sex And Drugs And A Fairer Voting System For All
Having deposed previous leaders of the LSD - Sir Charles Kennedy over an addiction scandal and Sir Menzies-The-Newagents over a viagra scandal - Clegg has gradually laid down a bedrock support amoung women of 15-30, personally signing the perter pairs of love pillows with a felt pen and donating a special protein drink from his boy sausage to the most nubile.
The Man, The Policies, The 12 Inch Cock
Swinging himself around like Ninja out of Die Antwoord, Clegg recently "won" a debate against David "Dave" Cameron and a lump of wood in a suit from the Labour Party by promising to be the hard and thrusting vanguard of the progressive centre left. Whilst doing a member of the audience doggie stylee Clegg vowed "The. LSD. Will. Be. The.Party. With. The. Strongest. Mandate.", before coming in her hair.
Policies include;
- Get into Euorpe's frilly panties
- Free drugs on the NHS
- Withdraw from Afghanistan before it gets pregnant
- Cock block the Americans whenever possible
- Raise community pride with games of salty biscuit
- Legalise Donovon
- Legalise public nudity for attractive people
- Bring back the miniskirt for non-fat female police officers between 18-25
- Pay off the National Debt by forcing Wales and North Britain to devolve from England
- One man, one vote
Anna Span
Clegg has encouraged porn actresses to star as LSD MPs, saying of the latest - Anna Span - that "she cares passionately about her area" [4]. The LSD have set up a special site featuring the best of Miss Span's work [5] and plans to feature her and Nick in a special Election Night "love film".
Nick Clegg: The Musical
Last Thursday, some enterprising young Brits created this charming musical tribute to Nick Clegg's political career.
I'm Sorry
Clegg's new single is available in all good record shops now. Not that any of you plebs could afford to buy a fucking copy, now that your tuition fees are through the roof.
Legacy
—Charlie Brooker on Nick Clegg. | ||
See Also
External Links
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