Shit that will never happen

This article is about shit that will never happen (referring to the present and future tense).
You may be looking for shit that never happened (referring to the past tense), in which case you might wish to direct your attentions to this article.

[ The introduction of this article is a classic example of shit that will never happen ]

You getting laid

How gamers can stop sexual violence

Moar info: GamerGate.

Some e-celeb nobody has ever heard of called Aisha Tyler was interviewed on some shitty podcast site, claiming she will be launching an e-campaign against basement dwellers, bronies, and assorted sick fucks everywhere, as a direct result of some drama and stalking occurred after she hosted of the E3 Ubisoft Press Conference. Of course, she's overlooked the whole fact that a lot of Girl on the Internet Syndrome ask for it, including Adria Richards.

Everybody noes gamers are never going to cease being sick fucks - because they just move onto the next fetish. Furries opened a Pandora's box, and out came MLP Friendship is Magic and all its fappable wisdom - making being a sick fuck socially acceptable - along with the sort of people who fap to pixels.

The interview can can be read here - includes pictures of some hawt broad!

Boxxy not being a crazy bitch

As is already documented, a demented crack-whore and a webcam will never cease to entertain - and as long as it does entertain, the full effects of Girl on the Internet Syndrome should keep Boxxy on YouTube for many moar years to come - based on the fact that she's already been around for years and still has yet to shake off the same high she's experienced for years:

Global Warming

It is well documented by credible historians and scientists that since the dawn of time, Earth has been hit by meteorites, volcanoes, changes of land mass, and Nelly Furtardo - if it can handle all of these, it will find a way of getting around any problems a little smog causes - namely the trees will absorb CO2 and turn it back into oxygen - as covered in Science 101.

Many make the mistake of thinking it's hippies who are behind this new fad of being fucking scared about the environment. However, anybody with any fucking sense will see the price tags on products such as paying for carbon footprints when buying airline tickets, and solar panels. Smart people will smell Judaism a mile off, and the rest is run by Al Gore - because nothing beats tricking rich and successful people into believing they can't ~~loose~~ spell.

Jews plus hippies equals one epic facepalm - but much drama can be generated through trolling these lefty-capitalists, by asking them things which question their green-religion - such as scientific questions which they dismiss and brand as socially unacceptable.

It's all just asking for drama!

Nelly Furtardo releasing a song which doesn't sound like a car alarm

Sadly, Nelly will never cease to release a bearable song, because of her mistake of thinking that power tools are somehow musical instruments. While she will continue to create some brilliant sound effects for brothels and strip joints everywhere - her 'music' is unlikely to be listened to any music connoisseur.

Apple releasing a product without a crappy intro vid

"Traditionally....notebooks are always made from...multiple parts...but the problem is when they move...I think they're moving me around in small circles...and they make me dizzy...and then the doctor....she....she shocks me with the cattle prod...."

When apple shits out the same gold brick they shat out a few months ago, you can rest assured that Jonathan Ive and Bob Mansfield will make a shit video about it.

This fresh hell begins with a fade-in to sexually suggestive footage to lure macfags, with an overture of the same 'pendulum' music they always use, because it's included with GarageBand and is free to use.

They always start off with Jonny high on the tranquillizers and the other meds his psychotherapists administered shortly before he went on day-release. He pauses between most words, because he's trying to think about happy thoughts, and of course, new words to say about the new product - which is more or less the same product, but 0.000001% thinner than the last version - but by this point in the video that fact has already been heavily over-advertised already, so Jonny has to find a new angle.

Jonny continues his catatonic ramble for another few minutes, gesturing with his hands, and not making eye contact to ensure he doesn't lose control and go batshit fucking insane like he would rather be doing, rather than having to sit in front of a camera talking bollocks for apple fanbois.

Then the music changes, and on comes Bob Mansfield talking about how the display looks even better - despite the fact that most MacBooks use a shitty Intel HD graphics card, which costs them $5 per machine.

They're sometimes joined by other notable fuckwits, including Dan Ricco who explains how apple prides itself on engineering the best products, while footage of a FoxxConn slave-factory is played out.

The rest is a blur when you ask yourself later how the video ended - because your subconscious has more important things to remember - although if you are a macfag, you'll have closed the window just after Bob Mansfield came on, to go and drool over said new etch-a-sketch/toilet seat on apple's website.

THE FULL HORROR! This generic video should be viewed with extreme caution - if you have a bullshit detector, turn it on before clicking 'play':

Apple releasing a product cheaper than anybody else

Apple is for elitist money-fags who don't care about the price of anything unless they're going to be doing some showing off of said product at any time while it's in their possession. They'll sit around gloating in Starbucks that they have a MacBook air which is exactly the same as anybody else's, yet they always exercise their flaunting with precision - ensuring that you don't realise that they're flaunting it, in order for you to talk to them.

Of course, nobody will talk to them, because everybody around them is doing the actual work which they might have done, had they not been busy flaunting their thin laptop which is unusable for even lightweight professional tasks. Their newest operating system is notorious for totalling any of apple's pro products - so in the future, it's likely we could expect to see moar of this sort of thing, as all of the specs go out of the window so that apple can make a machine thinner and with fewer buttons for a reason only the mental patient who designs their products could answer.

Legend of Zelda plotline NOT involving rescue

It could be said that link is the original white knight, so it's obvious that EVERY ZELDA GAME is going to have somebody or something to rescue - proving the entire series to have unnecessary sequels.

The only difference between the games is the technology has improved for the twenty years the game has been around - which is eighteen years too long, because in all that time there has never been so much as one occasion where Link has blown off any of the damsels in distress - despite almost being buttsectioned by the fish princess.

Line of quick-moving piss, passing through California

As everybody noes windmills have the power to make this dream a reality!

The words 'High Speed' and 'California' in the same sentence occurred when Al Gore visited France and rode around on the TGV. He decided to copypasta what the French have, and find some rich buddehs to bankroll the most epic shit which has yet NOT to happen, because nobody has ever paid for a public project out of their own pockets - the reasons for this are clearly stated here.

While the notion of a bright yellow train hurtling between Los Angeles and San Francisco might be preferable to spending six months riding the Amtrak Cascades - it will still be faster, cheaper, and will cost less in fuel to fly - proving any ecological motives to be complete bullshit.

Indeed, the only means of making this project even remotely likely of happening, would be to connect Los Angeles to Las Vegas, and replace piss color with the words 'Hooker-Chugger Express' as a means of ensuring a constant supply of hookers moving ever more freely between the two cities.

Of course, the real people behind these poorly photo-shopped images put together by script kiddies with haxtorred versions of Photoshop, who have no money at all can only be from one clusterfuck of retards - known to most as the US Government, trying to take-off from where Obamacare failed.

David Blaine doing non-obvious stunts

Thought he'd gone after all the heckling? Think again! It seems no matter how boring and unoriginal Blaine can get, and how much people tell him they're bored of watching somebody do the same magic act people have seen on TV for years re-packaged YET again - he is determined to ensure that history will repeat itself.

To put it this way, if people are getting bored with apple repeating things, what chance does that leave Blaine?

He has performed a number of yawn-able stunts, including hanging over the Thames in London in a glass cube, throw cards at glass windows - the only time fun ever comes into the equation is when somebody criticizes his work, and he has to call whine-one-one - unfortunately London hasn't connected a single call through to whine-one-one from their whine-whine-whine system, so Blaine is now starting to perform more in the US, bringing his act with him.

Don't say we didn't warn you.

An end of all religions

A textbook example of the religion 'Emo' being practised

Notice how only old and rich people go to church? That's because the rich worry they'll loose everything, and the old people want a better place in the afterlife. Naturally it's all a load of bullshit designed to take money from stupid people - and so far it's worked quite well, created a lot of dramas, and a quite a few wars as well - just to the Jews/Muslims can get your money, and the Christ-fags can pedo-bait your children.

They also make people believe in miracles which happened thousands of years ago which likely never happened, and implies that said fictional characters can still do the same shit they did back then, today. And people actually believe this shit, including: Philadelphian parents who lost a second child when they prayed their children would get better, instead of taking them to a doctor, the batshit insane people at Westboro, People who own oil wells in Arab countries who look like they could be jews, and Placentafag.

Moreso, they actually force governments to ensure they are recognized as being sane by the rest of the world, who don't give a shit anyway - but get forced to by these schizophrenic fascists.

Here's a list of some of the more troll-able religions:

Christian
Jews
Islam
Apple
Placentafag
God Hates Fags because many Christ-fags point out that
Atheist - including their high YouTube preacher TheAmazingAtheist
Gay Nigger Association of America
Environmentalism - emphasis on the 'mental' here

North Korea setting up da bomb

Have you seen this man? He is wanted for saying bad things IRL!

The ghetto that is Best Korea has neither the moniez or smart people required to build any sort of nuclear facility. The sole purpose of telling the world that they are about the buttsecks everybody is a means of telling its downtrodden ~~rice pickers~~ slave civilians to get back to work. Plus their country is being run by a young 'un who is obviously doing it for the lullz.

Nobody would want a war, because with all the people of the world dead - leaving just world leaders - there would be no civilians to make profits from, and take the piss out of by ordering around. Anybody who has ever set up da bomb historically is somebody who doesn't run their own country and has a feckless disregard for human life, such as Osama bin Laden, Barack Obama, the Faux News, Gay Nigger Association of America, and of course the Jews.

A useable version of Android

The android logo is a 13 year old recolor-artist's dream!

Found on any phone which isn't either a blackberry or iPhone - the sole reason for its success is that it arrived waaaay before Windows released a decent and pleasant phone OS which is likely to buttsecks Android out of the market in years to come, because android sucks ass at any task any other phone is typically used for. Disregard that...

Its failures include:

A shitty keyboard which never types the letters you pushed on the keyboard, forcing you to use its predictive text feature.
Predictive text which never finds the words you're actually trying to spell out, but for the lulz just adds in anyway as soon as you press literally any other key.
A battery which doesn't know what the concept of 'holding a charge' actually means.
Pr0n apps which never update the pics
Social networking sites apps which display statuses from two weeks ago.
Copying Apple's OS - because it's actually no different from the interface of phones which were around waaayyy before the iPhone.
STILL not being able to divide by zero, much to the dismay of Android fags - although in the true spirit of android, it's not achieved what it set out to do - at least it still sticks by its principles!
Google, Facebook, and Four Square use a 'droid phone as a tracking device for further lulz
Using most apps to track its users to market that golf set you never noticed when you passed through some sports shop you never knew you were passing through, as you made your way into the Mall.

Sensible YouTube comments

Since the dawn of the 'tubes back in 2006, not one single comment response posted to any jewtube video has ever made any fucking sense - and that's before we even get started on the spelling. It's because of this, it's likely that the people who comment on YouTube are either wiggers, under the age of 8, inbred hicks, supporting some retard with USI, and ED's old favourite - the Social Media Justice Warrior.

Of course, this makes trolling anybody who posts a video to YouTube all the more fun - because pointless batshit fucking insane flame wars can be caused with much more ease than on DailyMotion or Vimeo, because people are at the ready to post an apeshit flaming response the second they read a comment by anybody who doesn't follow common knowledge or logic.

TheAmazingAtheist explains all in this video:

Monica Punk's new job

Redefining the term 'useless lump' is Monica Punk, putting the 'big' into 'big waste of space'. Around 2013, she hit da tubes with a video telling the world just how lazy she actually is. Social Media Warriors turned up, and told her that she had to get a job and shouldn't be so lazy - even though she had been fired from hot topic - which means she's unlikely to have the mental capacity for any job, because getting yourself banned from hot topic puts you up there with people who fuck up making a cup of coffee.

Subsequent videos from Monica included a Waaaambulance call, asking the police to handle everything, because she was too lazy to even consider that Youtube has Adminz which might have saved her from a 'wasting police time' ticket.

	“	I'm actually too lazy to die	„
	—Monica Punk

	“	I just...don't give a fuck about money	„
	—Despite cashing-in all those unemployment welfare cheques

	“	Personally I'd just rather have things given to me	„
	—Isn't the welfare enough, without you soliciting?

Minecraft Having an End

You think that killing that dragon ended the game? Think again. You still have to kill the wither, build a beacon, and survive forever - or long enough - to be a Yogscast-level crafter of cube-constructed pixelated buildings which never actually exist, regardless of the amount of time you spent building them.

Not only does it lack an end, it lacks narrative, characters - how anybody can find this thing any more entertaining than sim city - which has more developed graphics - beggars belief. Platform games make more sense for the average nostalgia-nitwits - as they usually include some stuff you can kick or hit to kill - so a certain level of skill is involved. However, many Minecraft players act as though you can develop certain block-head buildings and other creations using elements of the periodic table, and many lullz can be had by pointing out that they are talking shit, and that they aren't scientists, and to get a real fucking life.

Shit that will never happen

Contents

You getting laid

How gamers can stop sexual violence

Boxxy not being a crazy bitch

Global Warming

Nelly Furtardo releasing a song which doesn't sound like a car alarm

Apple releasing a product without a crappy intro vid

Apple releasing a product cheaper than anybody else

Legend of Zelda plotline NOT involving rescue

Line of quick-moving piss, passing through California

David Blaine doing non-obvious stunts

An end of all religions

North Korea setting up da bomb

A useable version of Android

Sensible YouTube comments

Monica Punk's new job

Minecraft Having an End

See Also

Navigation menu

Shit that will never happen

You getting laid

How gamers can stop sexual violence

Boxxy not being a crazy bitch

Global Warming

Nelly Furtardo releasing a song which doesn't sound like a car alarm

Apple releasing a product without a crappy intro vid

Apple releasing a product cheaper than anybody else

Legend of Zelda plotline NOT involving rescue

Line of quick-moving piss, passing through California

David Blaine doing non-obvious stunts

An end of all religions

North Korea setting up da bomb

A useable version of Android

Sensible YouTube comments

Monica Punk's new job

Minecraft Having an End

See Also

Navigation menu

Search