Bed bug
One of the billions of God's "precious" creatures, bed bugs (Powerword: Cimex lectularius) are one of the many whose sole purpose in life is to troll mankind. Ever since the dawn of mankind, our ancestors had to deal with different creatures who preyed on us, parasites being the lulziest. As time passed and humans evolved from hairy, ape-like mongoloids to the balding selfie-taking mongoloids, we conquered many things. We learned to domesticate certain lower life forms such as dogs and cats, mastered aviation, electricity, invented the internets, cured diseases, created diseases, and discovered amazing technology. But there is one we could not conquer; enter the true assholes of the animal kingdom known as bed bugs. Bed bugs are insects that feed off human blood while the poor fucker sleeps. They make their nests under your mattress, multiplying at a number greater than rabbits and once they're in, they'll never leave. Sound familiar?
Good Night, don't let the bed bugs bite
Remember when you were little, your mom used to tell you that old saying before she tucked you in at night (unless you're a man child and she still does it)? Remember how she said it in a sweet, yet condescending tone? Your mom was just being a bitch, as usual. You might have wondered, in your 60's Spider-Man PJ's, whether or not bed bugs were real. Well, I hate to rain on your parade but the she-wolf was right. The only reason you may have not heard about it was simply because back then, bed bugs were not as prevalent. In the early 1940's, where everything worked according to old timers, developed nations won the war against the little freeloaders thanks to whole-sale pesticides and collective incineration of infested furniture or dwellings. For 40 years, bed bugs, like your sex life, seemed non-existent. However, as time went by, hippies started getting butthurt over pesticides namely DDT because they actually worked at what they did which was kill, even humans (implying that thinning out the herd is a bad thing, amirite?). Through recent years, some argue that the combination of permabanning effective pesticides, more immigrants fleeing their cesspool of a country for a better one, and the bed bugs becoming resistant to some of the pesticides are the reason that they have made an ultimate comeback. Kind of like every shitty 60's rock group. From 2004 to 2009, a spike in bed bug infestation has occurred, and it's getting worse. Contrary to popular belief, the only two diseases bed bugs can spread are AIDS and faggotry.
JESUS CHRIST WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT FUCKING THING ON MY FUCKING BED?!!111
That "fucking thing on your fucking bed", as you put it, is a fucking bed bug. Chances are if you see one, there are at least 100 moar who eat your blood to fuel their nocturnal gangbang while you sleep. They come out at night waiting for an unsuspecting human to go to sleep. The bed bug then senses it's victim's body heat and goes in for the kill. Much like the mosquito, another annoying little fuck, they use a needle-like appendage to pierce their victim's skin. At least mosquitoes know when to bugger off. They leave and die when they gorge themselves with blood; bed bugs are for life. With all this talk about piercing skin, you'd think you would wake up screaming, flicking these things off, amirite? WRONG! The bed bug's own saliva acts like an anesthetic. While the host has long drifted off into sweet dreams of rainbows and lollipop unicorns, he/she won't notice that they're unknowingly attending a late night kegger where they themselves are the keg. In this sense, the guerrilla tactics used by the bed bug are the perfect metaphor of date rape or for vampires. In the morning, the host will wake up with countless little love bites from the night before. These red bumps itch like hell and may resemble syphilis to others. And it doesn't end there. From that one night of feeding, only sweet Allah knows how many bed bugs will spawn. They lay eggs in droves, under the linings of mattresses, undetected. In a matter of days, the house will be infested and will cost hundreds even thousands of dollars to exterminate them. This includes:
- Fumigation
- Buying a new mattress/clothing
- Strategic bombing of areas in the house that may contain possible nests, dogs, disposal, etc.
Once a home has been intercepted, your days of dreaming about hardcore anal sex with Fluttershy are numbered, you sick fuck.
Who's the asshole responsible?
Unfortunately, humans and animals. Many believe that they are found in caves of the Middle East where they suck off unsuspecting bats and terrorists hiding from U.S. drones. As stated before, the bed bugs were once considered to have been wiped out of more developed nations such as Jewnited States of Americunts and parts of Europe that Adolf Hitler failed to pwn. Cases were, at best, very slim and bed bugs became something of a mythical creature in the first world. Only the poor fags of the third world still dealt-ed with them. Fast forward to the 80's, when they began to climb up the ranks for a retaliation. You have many immigrants and people traveling to different parts of the world who didn't travel alone. Filthy foreigners and filthy tourists alike weren't aware that bed bugs hitched a ride with them for a new frontier. They invaded like undocumented migrant workers. Unlike Mexico, who have only been useful for cheap labor, bed bugs not been useful for much but are both equally parasites. Today, anywhere you go that has at least a few bed bugs, you can be damn sure that someone will be taking them home with them. They lurk everywhere from public seats, hotels, motels, couches, beds (like you've been in anyone's bed), car seats, tables, dogs, cats, furniture, clothing, plushies, schools, crack dens, gyms, a friend's house (you have none), or in your case: directly under your reinforced steel ergonomic computer chair. They will hide in the most secluded places such as cracks in the wall, cracks in the floor, cracks in of the ass, mattress linings, pillows, electrical outlets. Let's make the safe assumption anywhere small enough that they can go and hide once the sun rises. Yes, like vampires, bed bugs will hide once light hits the horizon in an effort to make themselves unknown to the Titans. But as mentioned before, they are a less cooler version of vamipire that do not die in sunlight but do not like any form of light. They are at best the Edward Cullens of nature which explains their uncanny ability to spread faggotry.
Diet
Haven't you been reading? They drink blood. They will suck off any part of the human body that they can get to. Any soft tissue is a spot for blood drilling. Bed bugs have been known to also prey on animals, but their favorite prey is human beings. They will especially show up if there is a female human living in the residence for the fact that their periods attract more bed bugs. They can smell the menstruation. For each stage of life, bed bugs must consume blood in order to molt. I know what you're thinking, "What if we starve them?". Good luck with that, dipshit. Unlike your gargantuan, sweaty ass, bed bugs can go up to almost a year without eating. This makes them even bigger assholes who refuse to die.
Bed bug sex
The best way to describe the mating rituals of bed bugs is in detail. Males, who are smaller, will find a female who has just had gorged herself in blood, will crawl on her and stab her in the abdomen with his stabby appendage sucker thing. From there, the male will ejaculate into the wound. The female will store the sperm for when the time is right to lay a couple hundred of eggs that will hatch to be the bastard children. In many cases, males that have just eaten find themselves raped by other males who mistake them for females. This further proves that not only are bed bugs fucking stupid, but are flaming queers. To combat this, males let out a pheromone to deter other males from the gay buttsecks but this method doesn't work all the time.
tl;dr They mate by the Satanic ritual of stab-wound fucking. Thus this is yet another reason to send them back to the pits of Hell from where they crawled out.
How do I know got bed bugs?
Many things can give away the fact that you have an infestation. For instance, you might have bed bugs if..
- You have red itchy welts all over your body
- Blood on your sheets or pillow. You're likely to roll over on one while it's feeding.
- Blood on you.
- You felt something tickling you balls that's not your dad.
- Little dots on the mattress lining. That is bed bug shit
- You're having nightmares. Some have linked certain nightmares happening while bed bugs are feasting on their host.
- You're itchy.
- You're fucking itchy
- Goddamn you're fucking itchy.
- HOLY SHIT YOU'RE REALLY FUCKING ITCHY!
How do I get rid of them? Do's and Don'ts
Ok, retard, don't panic. You want to get rid of them? I don't blame you. Bed bugs are a pain in the ass and cause all kinds of trouble. From the expenses of getting a new bed, extermination, and even psychological effects, these motherfuckers have got to go. There are numbers of ways to get rid of them. Here we have the most common ones such as..
- Get a bed bug sniffing dog to come over to reassure that you do have an infestation. Dog's have better noses than human's capable of detecting even the smallest particles like the cum that use to be on that sock you use to jerk off after you washed it. Dogs can be trained to detect bed bugs and you can hire a guy with one of these dogs.
- Get an exterminator. He will most likely use a bug bomb or spray a chemical that will temporary diffuse the problem because of it being watered down. Srsly, the bed bug extermination business is a racket.
- Washing clothing and bed sheets
There are more ways to stop the infestation, but we here at Encyclopdia Dramatica encourage you to think outside of the box and not take the pussy way out. First of all, it is imperative that you reassure any female at your place not to panic by a swift Gary Oak pimp smack across the face. Here are some things you can do to take the fight to those miserable motherfuckers.
DO's
- KILL IT WITH FIRE
- Burn all the beds, sheets, pillows in your house
- Burn the house down. Your home is lost.
- Allow a menstruating woman to sleep on your bed. Use her as bait for your very own bed bug genocide.
- Inject bed bug pesticides into your bloodstream little by little so you will build up an immunity to them. At night when the bed bugs bite, they will immediately die from consuming your poisonous blood.
- Douse yourself in rubbing alcohol before going to sleep. It's been said to repel them.
- Douse yourself in any other flammable liquid and pretend to go to sleep. When they come out to feast on you, yell "see you in hell!", and light a match.
- Or you can douse your bed with flammable liquids, put a hot water bag on your bed. The bed bugs will be fooled by the bag thinking it's a warm meal. When the come out, turn on a flashlight and say "Ah-ha! Caught you red handed!", light a match and watch them burn.
- Take your mattress, throw it in a vat of water, drop hair dryer. Zap those bastards.
- Catch 2, exterminate the rest. With the two remaining POW's in your custody. Release them in a neighbors house, the house of a person you hate, school, any public place. Lulz will ensue.
- Catch a few, keep them captive, breed them, start your very own bed bug circus.
- Catch a few, breed them, put them in a jar. When the time is right, take the jar and throw it inside a public place where people congregate. Vwallah, you just made a bed bug bomb.
- Donate your infested mattress to charity.
- Donate your infested sheets to the Ku Klux Klan.
- After they've fed off your blood, capture them. Put them on a sling shot to use as ammunition. Fire them at the wall, you now have a paintball sling shot. DOUBLE XP IF YOU SHOOT AT PEOPLE, TRIPLE XP IF YOU HAVE HIV/AIDS!
DON'Ts
- Try to starve them. Didn't you read what I typed earlier about them lasting almost a year without food?
- Sleep naked. Make sure you wear full body armor when you go to sleep.
- Let any one know you have and infestation.
- Sleep in the bed
- Let them get out of hand
- Slit your wrists before going to bed. Do that some other time. But if you are going to slit your wrists before going to bed, DO douse your self in flammable liquid and wait. The bed bugs will go crazy. With the strength you have left, light the match. Take those fuckers with you.
- Do not allow foreigners inside your home.
- Waste your money on an exterminator, don't do it. It's a big business. Why would they stop something that they make a living off of?
I've tried everything, OP. They just won't leave
If all else fails, accept it. Accept the fact that you will always be a food source to these parasites. Accept the fact that the only reason you exist in this world is to ensure the survival of the bed bug and nothing more. Accept the fact that your life had no meaning. Bed bugs gave you only one purpose in life and what a horrible card you've been dealt.
