North Britain
North Britain 
or England's Toupee (previously known as Scotland), is a small village near Norway.
North Britain is well known for their awesome peps (whom wear a sexually appealing skirt known as a "kilt"), mass consumption of alcohol, drug problems, legally allowing the mass breeding of Gingers unchecked and primarily for hating the English for raping their children. Scotland's national languages are Gaelic and Scottish (a descendant of drunk talk and non-coherent mumbling), which is their very own mangled rape attempt on the English language. Scotland is also famous for inventing English and soccer
The town of Paisley is the death capital of the world. The best damn country in the whole universe. Most Americans think it's all just hills and sheep. They're wrong. There is hills, sheep and IRN BRU - the best beverage known to man!
Relationship with England
If you're some manner of outsider and have trouble understanding Scotland's relationship with England, then consult this helpful guide.
If England was America, Scotland would be Canada.
If England was Australia, Scotland would be New Zealand.
If England was Spain, Scotland would be Portugal.
If England was Brazil, Scotland would be Uruguay.
If England was China, Scotland would be Hong Kong.
If England was The Earth, Scotland would be The Moon.
If England was Russia, Scotland would be Ukraine.
If England was Bald, Scotland would be Wig.
If England was England, The whole world would be Scotland.
If England was Drawer, Scotland would be Kitchen Knife.
If England was Television, Scotland would be Remote.
If England was Coyote, Scotland would be dynamite.
If England was Cyrodiil, Scotland would be Skyrim.
At's Shӕite Bein' Scöttash ken
Scottish people, in their own delusional self-image, personify win. They are the Koreans of Europe; they claim to have invented everything, yet they don't have anything to show for it, and hate any country that makes them realize how flawed they are by producing improved versions. To compensate for this, they have an obnoxious superiority complex towards any country they could manage to remember the name of in between each bottle of whiskey. They pretend to be like this for the benefit of every other country but in actual fact they all have the "Scottish Cringe". They hate themselves and everything to do with their country so they put on a show of superiority as to hide their shame. They are dreadful in every single way. It is widely held in the international community that the Scrots are responsible for AIDS and all of the world’s wars. Here, the Scrottish Parliament discusses issues of Scrottish Identity:
Oh yeah, they hold grudges against the English over retarded shit that happened over 9000 years before they were even born. They also speak a 'language' so abhorrent that Wikipedia gave it a separate fucking encyclopedia.
The Scotsman
A short Englishman with a head-cold and severe mental retardation, most notable for their fondness for animal innards and deep fried anything, which they probably only eat because they've lost so many drinking games to the Irish. They also get sunburn from fireworks and therefore can't celebrate St Patrick's day, something else the Irish can do quite well at. They have an inability to string a sentence together that makes sense or doesn't involve the words, fuck, cunt, "English wankers/French sissies/Welsh trolls" or "got any special brew pal?".
The Scrotsman is also known to be extremely Jew with his money, thus, in the rest of the UK all the jokes you hear in America about Jews being tight-fisted are about Scots. Although more intelligent than their English chav counterparts, nearly all Scottish people suffer from unwarranted self-importance and believe Scatland is the greatest country ever. This is ten times worse than the average American redneck. Many departments of tourism say it is common knowledge to only approach Scrottish people when they are on heroin, as this is their most relaxed state.
Scrotsmen like Sean Connery (who lives in Barbados, btw) always bitch about wanting a divorce from England, but never follow through because they know deep down Scatland is promoted to part-shithole from shithole while being part of the UK. This is similar to the middle-aged fat bitch everyone knows who whines about wanting a divorce but stays with her cheating husband for cock, money or food.
Culture
The Scottish they got culture, over 9000 years of it, they say to you. The local Scotsman will try to tell you the culture of Scotland but when they do simply tell then that they will never be independent from England. Here is some of their latest and greatest scientific products.
- Haggis (moar liek 'faggis', amirite?), which is basically sheep guts inside a sheep's stomach.
- The kilt. They say it's a tradition, but it's really a guy's skirt.
- Using the words 'cannae' or 'wouldnae' for 'can't' and 'wouldn't'. "So feckin' original, I am, lass" one would say in Scotchland.
And nothing beats sex in public!
Scotland's sole beverage.
Scottish Creations
- Bicycle
- Scotch
- Scotch Tape
- The 'box'
- Fat, unattractive women
- A race that manages to hate every other race, including themselves
- Envy of the English
- Irn Bru
- Google Glassgow (patented)
Notable Scottish Creations
- The steam engine
- Velcro gloves
Loch Ness
Snotland is also home to the Loch Ness, a large tepid puddle of piss and rainwater, which, according to a popular Scottish creepypasta is said to be inhabited by the legendary Loch Ness Monster, a strange, sea serpent-like creature of incredible size that has apparently lived in the loch since prehistoric times.
Claims made by cryptozoologists regarding the existence of 'Nessie', as the locals affectionately refer to the monster, have been subject of much debate by the scientific community. Some argue that the stories of the monster's existence are nothing more than fabrications designed to attract tourists to an otherwise boring place like Loch Ness and sell them overpriced plush plesiosauruses in funny tartan hats, but nevertheless there is a wealth of evidence to support the idea that a creature or, more likely, a community of multiple carnivorous creatures of great size could live quite happily and comfortably in a small Scottish lake for millions of years with nobody ever seeing them including many blurry, out-of-focus black and white photographs and written confessions of people who had previously claimed to have seen the monster admitting that, yeah, actually, they just made the whole thing up.
In 1996, they made a movie about Loch Ness starring Ted Danson, but nobody saw it.
War On Terror
Even though Scuntland claims to have invented terrorism, the Scots have become the driving force for the War on Terror. The main reason for this is the Scottish national hero, a man called John Smeaton. He is a racist who hates all sandniggers and other niggers because they are fucking terrorists. He also prefers buttsex. However, when you remember that even the men wear skirts, it makes sense to go in the backdoor just in case you get a surprise round the front. This time it's not Protestants against Catholics, it's Pakis against the world.
John Smeaton, a baggage handler at Glasgow Airport, is famous for having kicked a burning suicidal terrorist in the balls last Thursday, during a terrorist attack. Ironically, after mainstream media appearances and a Bebo appreciation site set up for him [1], he has become a target for terrorists in himself and has thus been pwned by the system and will soon become an hero. He only had one remark in response to his courageous deed:
John Smeaton, king of Scotland for punching a burning SANDNIGGER... yeah, thanks that really helped. The overseer of Scotland can be seen here being an "oan tha' telly" toughguy hes almost as good as shitting dick nipples.
—Smeaton's heroic speech | ||
Glasgow really is the only place in the world where you'd tackle someone who was burning to death.
Survival Guide
Don't come to Scotland. If forced to, gather together the following:
- Stab-proof vest
- A prepapared set of anti-English shouts (or French. Or Irish. Or Welsh. Or German. Or American. Or Japanese. Or African. Or..Just call everyone a cunt)
- A bottle of Buckfast (for tempting neds when they attack)
- A wallet (if no Buckfast available)
- Water proofs FUCKING LOADS of waterproofs!!
A Typical night in Glasgow
The horrors of the Scotch in their natural habitat!
Glasgae is the best city in the world!
Useful phrases
- Hello.
- Whit the fuck are you lookin at bytheway
- Could you help me, please?
- Hey you geez ten quid fae some smack innit ahm pure gwan mental so ah am
- No thank you.
- Ach fuxache gaunnae fuck aff afore ah chib ye, eh?
- I would like these flowers, please.
- Youse keep edgy for the polis whilst ah pan the windaes
- Is this train going to [X]?
- Mah bellend's pure loupin affa shaggin yon manky bud wiz fukn pus drippin offa its pishflaps ahm tellin ya
- What does the chef recommend?
- Wiz fukn mental wi it last night innit fukn five bottles ae bucky nutted a fukn polis n lay in a pool ae ma oan pish in ma close fae sen oors fukn pure dead brewyinnt mate
How to troll the Scottish
- Ask them if Scotland will ever be free
- Ask if England will ever be rid of Scotland
- Point out that Britain's most successful Scottish Prime Minister succeeded in politics by pretending to be English and that Britain's most obviously Scottish Prime Minister never even managed to win a single election
- Call them a jocky
- Ask why the guys have such fuzzy ass eyebrows
- Say that Scottish music is for fags
- Ask why Scotland's two most famous creatures are both imaginary: OR -
- Pretend you think the Haggis is a real animal (it's a famous wind-up among Scots to tell naïve tourists that Haggises are real animals, but if you never let on that you suspect otherwise and keep asking to see one, they will soon get annoyed because you appear not to be trollable by their lies)
- Ask everyone you meet where you can buy some of this world-famous Scottish "smack" you keep hearing about, but pretend you think it's some kind of local delicacy
- Approach drug dealers (available in most Scottish pubs) and repeatedly ask them to sell you some "Haggis" as though you think it's a street name for something more interesting
- Insist that all Scottish lavatories are like the one seen in the film Trainspotting
- Point out that the minute he got Rich And Famous, the star of Trainspotting fucked off to America the first chance he got and never came back
- Ask them why the men wear skirts there
- Insist on addressing kilt-wearing Scotsmen as though they were skirt-wearing women and skirt-wearing Scotswomen as though they were kilt-wearing men (this one is actually quite easy to do unintentionally, given their fantastic Scottish genes)
- Ask a Scot to lift up his or her skirt because you've never seen day-glo ginger pubic hair before
- If they try to troll you back by lifting their skirt and exposing their genitals, troll them right back by acting shocked and apologise because you thought they were the opposite sex to the one they are
- Call them a "Faggistani". It sounds like Pakistani refering to them that they're from a third world country while also making fun of haggis.
- Ask them why the Scottish were regarded as such a feeble threat by the Romans that when they invaded Britain before Jesus was born and built Hadrian's Wall right across England's northern border to keep the Scots out, they decided they only needed to make the wall about five feet tall at its highest point
- Point out that Scotland was an uninhabitable wilderness until the Irish decided to colonise it because they were drunk and had nothing better to do and that all their Mc/Mac clan names, each clan's tartans and even their fucking dreadful-sounding bagpipes are all Irish inventions. Then ask for directions to the nearest Irish theme-pub.
- Make fun of their national football team.
- Make sure you pay for everything with English-issued currency only and insist loudly on not being given any Scottish-issued currency in your change as though the person you're paying is obviously out to swindle you, despite the fact that although they look different the two currencies are one and the same and therefore completely legal tender in both countries. Become outraged if anyone tries to explain this to you, repeating "I know what thieving fucking Jews you Scottish cunts are!"
- Ask them: "If you're so rich in culture, why did Scotland lose its old traditions to the English about 1000 years ago?"
- Point out that if Scotland hadn't Jewed its way into the Act of Union in the year 1706 and the Scottish Parliament hadn't voted to abolish itself, they wouldn't be wanting their fucking independence back from England in the first place, would they?
- Tell them that Her Majesty the Queen (God Bless Her) dislikes the Scottish so much that she lives in London, only visits Scotland to stay in Her "holiday castle" and never appears in public on Scottish soil, and thinks so little of the place that She turned up to Her official Scottish coronation wearing a coat and carrying a handbag like she was just going shopping or something
- Remind them that Her Majesty's husband Prince Philip is Duke of their capital city and fucking hates them for being drunks
- Invite them to celebrate British unity by joining in singing the National Anthem. They will run out of lyrics by the end of verse one, but you keep going until you reach verse six
- Wonder out loud why it is that they can't name a single Scottish king, not even MacBeth, despite MacBeth being one of the biggest murdering cheats in Scottish history, to the extent that England's national poet wrote one of the greatest plays of all time about him
- Tell a Scottish person that the English could beat your ass anyday.
- Tell them how fat and unattractive you find even the best-looking Scottish woman.
- Ask them if they really do fuck sheep
- Always use the word "Scotch" instead of "Scottish", except when referring to a "Scottish Egg"
See Also
- Ginger
- Drunk
- Jew
- Prime Minister Gordon Brown
- Tony Blair
- Sean Connery
- Shrek
- Susan Boyle - A true Scottish beauty.
- Sir Billi
- The Krankies
- Alan Rice
- No true Scotsman
- England
- Wales - Everything Scotland wishes it was.
- United Kingdom
External Links
- Scottish National Anthem - Performed Live at Hogmanay 2005
- Scottish National Anthem - Performed recorded at Hogmanay forEVAR
- Larry King interviews a Scotsman
- Scottish men most likely to flop in bed
 North Britain is part of a series on Culture |
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