ED Lifecycle

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Many a n00b comes to ED believing that he or she, (but nearly always he - girls write fanfic, not articles) is smart enough, competent enough, articulate enough, and just damn special enough to write something that thousands upon thousands will see and smile upon, and fall in love with the sparkling wit and sheer vivacious language indicating a sharp incisiveness ...

This, as evidenced by the deletion log and random crap which continues to assault ED and drive its admins and users to self-immolate, is not what really happens. This is an attempt to document the dark and unfortunate paths of the ED user.

The N00b Phase

N00bs come in a variety of flavors, including the following:

Vandals

Vandals are generally butthurt, and or doing it for the lulz when they come to ED, and proceed in vain fashion to corrupt the poorly written article(s) they h8.

They are quickly spotted and banned, thanks to the laser eyes of MysteryBot.

Anonymous

Generally /b/tards and other illiterate losers, anon may try to force memes, add nonsense chan-speak to articles, never ever sign their posts, and generally make a fucking mess of things. Rarely, one with actual talent may spring forth, but that is truly a Black Swan scenario.

Anon generally get bored quickly, as they are ninety-eight percent white teenage boys with zero attention span and too much time on their hands. As such, they are worthless contributors with nothing to offer.

College Students

It is widely believed that the vast majority of ED's active and productive users are, in fact, college students. And college students being the silly fools that they are, take things lightly and are deeply susceptible to the causes of drama and lulz. Skipping classes, acting irresponsibly, and substance abuse come naturally to these individuals, which makes them both an ideal audience and ideal editors, as the intelligent ones, having been picked on when they were younger, feel the need to lash out through the power of the written word.

From this pool, a majority of ED's admins are initially drawn, as they are prone to lengthy bouts of editing while hopped up on ED's sekrit stash of blow.

Underchallenged Workers and the Unemployed

The vast majority of individuals who begin editing ED after matriculating from a fine university or dirtshit Wichita community college do so out of sheer fucking boredom. Boredom which is caused by 1) a thoroughly unchallenging work environment, or 2) unemployment, or 3) soon-to-be-forthcoming unemployment. Dark and cynical, they write nasty bitchy things, frequently with sexual undertones, into the heart of ED's best articles. The worst and laziest of human scum IRL, they should not be trusted on or offline.

At the time of this writing it is assumed that during the coming New Great Depression, we will see a large increase in these editors

Development and Hazing

Life on ED parallels IRL, as it is frequently nasty, brutish, and short. Piss off a drunken admin? B&! Keep recreating a shitty article? B&! Leave comments on Joseph Ever's talk page asking to have the furry article removed? LOL'D OFF THE SITE!

All too frequently, new contributors do not take well to constructive criticism, and flounce off after being told the truth, as is common with the younger generation of spoiled whiny brats. This winnows the herd, and over time those who cannot write flee the site, and cut themselves in shame and hot delicious tears over and over until the light of the sun shines upon them no more.

Those who remain are forced to conform to the site's terrible social norms, and gradually slip into patterns of online behavior they would have never considered before. Troll, IRC, e-mailing the Pain Series to IRL friends and calling people fucking nigger jews on Failbook are common symptoms of a mid-level ED editor, who may now be receiving peer rewards on the site in the form of {{approve}}, dongs, and rainbow vandalism in exchange for conformity and subservience to the alpha males of the pack. This is a quick, painless process in which the soul is consumed and the brain made immune to horrific shock images.

Eventually, Chronic Troll Syndrome sets in, and the behavior which is so rewarded by ED's ravening harpies becomes automatic both online and offline, and the dramatician alienates everyone else in his life. This is the shining moment of radical transformation -- the editor has nothing else to live for but ED, and the induction into the hivemind is complete.

It is generally believed that it is at this stage that the editor begins to masturbate to Swap.avi, and it is not long thereafter that the editor is unable to get off by any other means.

What Happens Next

Another ED sysop in the making.

Through a deliberately Byzantine process which seeks to confuse and infuriate the editor, SysOp may be granted after a period of deliberation, human sacrifice, and appeals to the Elder Gods. While in its duties and frustations sysophood differs little from being promoted to assistant manager at a local fast food joint, it becomes somehow desirable to the now fully twisted-mind of the editor. The masochistic desire is mocked and critiqued by other sysops, who though subsumed in the cesspool of the hivemind, have come to realize that it is in fact a cesspool, much as those who live out a nullification fetish come to realize that they have, in fact, just cut off their own dick.

Depending on the cruelty of the sadistic herd, sysop may or may not be granted - and if it is not, the reasoning may not be specific, but it is only to torment the poor fool further. Heads, the admin horde wins, tails, the desperate editor loses.

You've Just Cut Off Your Own Dick!

Sysops are fully in the cesspool, and many regret it once they realize how much respect they get (none!) and how much shit there is to do around the site that they didn't realize before (tons!). The ED curse ... is that you are but a glorified chambermaid.

If (HA) the sysop did not abuse substances before, well, you're never too old or too young to become an addict. If they used before, they spiral into addiction - and usually brilliance. The initial period is described as a rush somewhere between orgasm and a root canal, and it is productive. But for how long?

Oops

On occasion, a new sysop will quickly piss off the wrong person, and will be unceremoniously de-opped and BANNED.

Bad Tricks Leave in the Middle of the Night

Approximately one quarter of new sysops, once their period of initial productivity is over (a week or so), and deeply shamed that they have actually castrated themselves, leave, never to return.

Lesbian Bed Death

The average lifespan of an ED admin is around 6 months, during which time many lulz are enjoyed, dark secrets shared, and pain inflicted upon the damned. And then, the magic fades like the sex out of a lesbian relationship.

LTR

On occasion, sysops and ED cannot be separated, not by trolls, mean e-mails, annoying n00bs. Some of them have been sysops for two years or more, and have devoted far too much time to swimming endless laps in the cesspool, and may never, ever go fucking away. Activity levels vary, from spurts of activity when time permits, to a constant hum and flow. It isn't widely understood why these individuals persist, but it is likely akin to an extra fucking chromosome.

It's Not You, It's Me

Editors and sysops alike don't always stick around - and they don't for a host of reasons, all terrible and dark like the angry maw of the deepest sea.

BANNED

Dude, you got banned. However, banned users usually come back under another name. Or like Amorrow, they come back under the same e-dentity over and over until no one cares to ban them.

The Unemployment Checks Stop Coming

In America, they eventually stop sending you unemployment checks and force otherwise lazy Americans to go find work. This is, or finding a new job in which you are either a) without internets, or b) are forced to actually work, the primary reason the unemployed and underchallenged leave ED, often abruptly and without notice.

Mommy Saw Your Report Card

And now you have to start going to class. Like the previous reason, this is usually sudden. Students, however, are more prone to drop back by from time to time.

Alternately, some students (eventually) graduate and (surprisingly) find their first 'real' job.

Butthurt

Some editors manage to write entire articles and then decide they're unhappy with the nature of some of ED's "content", and proceed to either a) attempt to remove their article, or b) whine about the offensive content on a talk page somewhere, where they are laughed at and mocked until they finally flounce.

Rehab / The Booze Ran Out

This is, perhaps, the only justifiable rationale for leaving ED.

Entering Into A New Relationship

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. No.

Lifestyle change

Thedreadedkettle stopped coming to ED and was eventually seen donating to the furry wiki. Blu Aardvark occasionally tried to quit ED due to moral reasons, but has always came back. Wattage is also rumored to have quit due to his newfound devotion to TEH JEEEEEEEZZZZZZZZUSSSSSSSSSSSS, but this is only alleged. Zenophile disappeared without a trace; some think he may have started taking the cosplay a bit too far.

See also

• Done with ED
• Dying alone
• Wattage

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ED Lifecycle is part of a series on E-psychiatry