A frank discussion of mental illness

I wrote this article with the gravitas and compassion required of such things. Now where's my bottle?

Thank you for taking the time to learn more about mental illness here on Encyclopedia Dramatica. Mental illness is a serious condition affecting at least one third of all Americunts in a given year; this figure rises dramatically on the internets, where five out of three people are mentally ill. Some have attributed the rise of mental illness to angst-ridden emos who turn every little quirk into a big disease to effect drama. Whatever the case, there is an estimated eighty-five (85) percent chance you are mentally ill yourself.

Why You Should Care

Crazy people have more fun!

Other than the fact that you yourself are probably seriously mentally ill, chances are quite high that, if you have engaged in any kind of online interaction (always practice safe hex!), you have had to deal with a mentally deranged individual. Usenet and IRC are the psychiatric institutions of the internets. On Usenet in particular, you will find people with anal characters disagreeing with each other on the placement of commas for a good part of their life (see alt.usage.english) and disruptive trolls with severe internet troll personality disorder.

Mentally ill people are also responsible for 99.999999% of teh drama on all of the internets combined. This includes everything from petty self-dramatizing spats to insane ravings. If you find yourself in the midst of a mentally ill person's drama, the best course of action is to stop, drop, and rock and roll!

Degrees of Being Fucked Up

This is what the world looks like to a mentally ill person.

Some people say being mentally ill is not about being fucked up; these people contend that it is about alternative takes on reality. These people, of course, are mentally ill themselves, and so this article will continue only with mainstream psychiatric opinion.

Mental illness is a kinder term for what is colloquially known as the state of being fucked up. That said, being fucked up comes in different flavors and degrees. Emo kids, filled with angst and tendencies towards self injury have classic borderline personality disorder. People with Asperger's Syndrome are robots who, despite loading massive amounts of data onto their brains, are fundamentally incapable of regular social interaction. Cyber psychos will pass themselves off as the perfect lady or gentleman only to find out where you live so that they can come to your home to rape you up the ass while you sleep.

The Internets also regularly exposes people to the risk of developing new mental illnesses. Unprepared boys in puberty who find pictures of Carmen Electra complex risk developing a Carmen Electra complex.

Self-Diagnosis in the Community

Many Internet communities encourage people to fake having mental illness as a rite of entry. Notable examples include the Carmen Electra complex, restless leg syndrome, inconsistent personality disorder and LiveJournal.

How Psychology Can Cure YOU!

And when they run out of loons to "care" for, they try to make a victim of You.

Do you often feel depressed? Do you often wish you were a different kind of person? Do you like sniffing glue and yiffing to furry porn for days and weeks on end? Well, if you do, fear not, for psychology is the cure to all your troubles!

E-psychiatry is a wonderful, insightful branch of science that deals with the mind. It can cure anything from AIDS to autism to the rolls of lard around your midsection through a combination of therapy and medication. Psychology is based on the following sound scientific principles:

1. Bitching to a random person, attention whore style, for 30 minutes to an hour will heal your deep-seated emotional wounds.
2. Getting to know your many, many mental and character flaws will make you a better, healthier person.
3. Assholes with PhDs in psychoanalysis are better mental influences than your closest, most trusted friends. lol, you don't have any friends.
4. Nothing is ever your fault. When you kill ten people in a drunken rage with a sharpened spork, you didn't commit a crime - you were simply displaying symptoms of your illness! But...
5. ...at the same time, EVERYTHING is your fault, including your genes, the time you were in a car accident when you were 3 because mommy was drunk, and the time your ex-best friend killed your hamster with lye when you were on vacation - all due to your negative thinking. THINK POSITIVE THOUGHTS!
6. Everyone secretly wants to fuck/kill their parents, suck massive amounts of cock, save the world, destroy the world, become a tranny, eat delicious cocks with tartar sauce over a bed of lettuce, and rape themselves with vegetables.
7. If you don't like psychology, then it's likely due to the fact that your superego has repressed conscious aggression that originated from libidinal impulses in your subconscious drives that manifested as the Elektra Complex which came about because you lost your green magic marker when you were two years old and couldn't finish coloring your Sesame Street coloring book.
8. Every trainer has a choice, to listen to the voice inside.

Id, ego & SSSSUPER-ego

The id is the part of your brain that likes to get high and drunk then steal a car and drive it to a rich neighborhood to steal a small plane to fly it to the Bahamas. The id is everything that is bad about you. Id wants to murder your wife and children. The Ego is the concerned friend of psycho id. He tries to calm down the id when it convinces you taking that cops gun and emptying the clip newspaper into a crowd of people is a good idea. Most of the time id > ego. Super-ego is the NORP cousin of ego. The super-ego will do everything by the rules. Most anal retentive assholes are controlled by the super-ego. Before the invention of laws, the super-ego did not exist in anyone's brains; they all raped and killed everything in sight because id told them to.

Freud, Jung, and other prescientific bullshit

Why did Freud believe and write such absolute nonsense? Well, Freud's hilariously wrong psychoanalytic theories are easily accounted for. Freud got one thing wrong, and from that flowed everything esle.

Freud was a truly good listener. He ran a business where well-off Viennese could lay on a couch and just dump their internal shit, which over and over was some fucked-up incest-related stuff. Really disturbing stuff which he simply could not believe really happened to nice middle-class people like these.

So he was left with a problem: why do people make this shit up? Why do they seem to be absolutely convinced that it's real? Why do I keep hearing the same stories over and over?

And so he came up with his ideas, that there's something in the structure of human conciousness that leaves women convinced that they were molestored by their fathers, that leaves men persuaded that their mothers did sexual shit. Complexes. Or Jung's idea of a collective subconscious, that somehow we all share common dreams, and these dreams are mostly about sex because - hey - humans amirite?

The simple thing that these men got wrong is that their clients were telling them the absolute truth about what went on in their fucked-up families.

See Also

• Condom Snorting
• Self-diagnosed - find out what illnesses YOU have!
• Hozupindahows00s
• Internet Disease Chart
• Psychiatrists

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A frank discussion of mental illness is part of a series on E-psychiatry

Featured article September 24, 2005
Preceded by Pants nazi	A frank discussion of mental illness	Succeeded by Carmen Electra complex